Scott comes to find me in my room a few minutes later, and I can see from his expression that he's displeased. "Were you going to actually let him in?" he ask me and I look to the ceiling.
I can't seem to get a hold on my emotions these days, it seems the moment Arom broke my heart, my emotions were broken too and I can't seem to differentiate which person I love, or who I hate, or who I want to be with, or who I don't want to be with. It's all confusing to me.
I can't seem to understand what I'm feeling at the moment, so I just give him a look that tells me he should please leave me alone for the time being, he sighs and comes to sit down near me and that's how we stay for the rest of the day. Oakley and Eras are playing a game downstairs and I can hear Oakley's excited giggling, Eras's voice makes me warm up, and I almost get up and go down to go play with them, until I remembered I'm supposed to be grieving right now, supposed to be grieving for all my life which will become no doubt messed up after this moment.
Why am I falling for two people you met me after I just got broken by one of their kind?. Why is my heart this way and why does it seem to always deceive me?. I want to close myself up, I want to lock myself out, but I can't seem to have the resolve to even when I try my best, it's just seems impossible.
Scott's sighs and get up from the seat he was occupying before "Come down for dinner, at least" he says and I nod to him. Food isn't something that i can ever refuse and I wonder where it all goes. I eat like an elephant and yet I don't seem to add up an ounce of weight. I wish I did. I wish I ate so much that I became so fat that nobody ever looked at me again. I wish I ate so much that I became so unattractive that when people saw me on the road their gaze will not linger on my body. Their gaze will not make them have filthy machinations about me, I wish I was so fat that I would wear baggy clothes and cover up all this beauty because I sure as hell don't need it.
It has only ruined my life up to this moment, I sigh loudly again as that seems to be the only thing that I do for the rest of the time that I spend up in my room.
My stomach grumbles in hunger and I imagine what is making it hungry, we just finished a buttload of food downstairs and yet it hasn't been three hours later and I'm hungry already.
Well no need for postponing what is going to inevitably happen, I think I brace myself and mentally wear a new suit of armour, not going to fall for anybody, not today not tomorrow, not ever, not until I'm sure that they won't break me. I'm going to hold myself like a diamond and I'm going to treat myself like the diamond I am. I'm not going to allow anyone toy with me or my emotions because they are precious to me, and so I can't allow anyone to toy with them. I will not be some objects in a foolish person's eyes who doesn't see the real value in me.
I'll see the value in myself and I'll live my life the way I want to.