Chapter 118

"I don't know really have an answer to give you" he replies and shoots his eyes to the floor.

I only realise now that I am not the only one who has lost something here. I feel ashamed that I have never actually thought about my brother as much as I should have. It seems Scott was comfortable enough with his lonely secluded life, that I had thought that was exactly what he wanted. That was exactly the kind of life he always wanted to lead, and he was comfortable enough with it.

I thought there was nothing wrong with him, or there was nothing he didn't believe an malicious and annoying glare he couldn't drive away. I had always wondered why he always seemed to give everyone around him a glare, but now I see it is not true.

I know each and everything about the jokes that girls play with each other. I know everything about how mean high school can be for some kids.

I seem to have been that girl myself once, a few years back when I still had friends who wore the tightest sets of mini skirts, and high up knee length boots. I was that sort of girl when I still had Aron, a guy whom I always wanted to make sure felt special and wanted in every way.

I don't know if I had done it intentionally, or unintentionally, but I'm pretty sure I had been mean to some people. I had been mean to those whom I felt well beneath me, or not matching the standard of the calibre of friends I followed.

I had been mean to people whom I didn't know at all. What I knew was all based on gossip that had carried their stories into my ears. The stories of a new girl with dreadlocks and pimples all over her face, the story of a fat boy who couldn't see well and had unintentionally spilt a cup of smoothie over Bryce.

All those stories had come unsolicited and so I knew exactly who to stay away from, I also knew who to stay with to keep my circle of Friends. Even up to this day I still feel guilty of the things I had done.

I feel guilty of the things I had done just to be with Aron, and just look how he was rewarding me. With three good days of heartbreak, and an unsolicited confession on the 4th. I don't know exactly what to do with his confession. I also don't know exactly what I would do with the guilt that is eating me up, thinking about exactly how Scott's life, my brother's life might have played out these five years we had been here.

Guilt eats me up that I do not seem to know anything more about him than the little snippets and rides we went out to catch occasionally. As much as, as much as I would like to think I know some things about my brother, I find out I do not know enough, as the insecurity that glints in his eyes, I had not seen it in the eyes of anyone else before.

I had not even seen it in my own eyes, and yet I'm pretty sure I was the only person who will be able to sympathize on such an insecurity with him.

"I'm sorry" I say clasping his hands, and he doesn't give me a reply. Just rubs his thumb over the base of my palm.