Season 6 Chapter 6

As the clock struck 8 in the evening, the ache of betrayal lingered within me, evident in the faint marks etched upon my cheek by delicate fingers. "Why did I succumb to my emotions?" I pondered, grappling for an answer. Lately, I've found myself swept away by turbulent feelings, unable to maintain my rationality. I never intended to confront Emilia in such a manner, to coerce her into stepping down from her position. "What has become of me?" I questioned, perplexed by my own actions and the motives driving them. For whom do I endure such indignities? For the so-called friends who abandon me at the first sign of trouble?

The morning outburst still rang In my ears, each words felt like a dragger on my chest and with the passing seconds, I became more and more restless, pondering on my decision, regret seized me as I started wondering if I did something in vein which will cause the team to suffer. Was I really confident? Or was it just meaningless arrogance. I paced around the room unable to relax, why was I so stressed? I ran my fingers through my hair, and tapped my forehead, calculating my next move. Even cigarette couldn't help, I laid on my bed feeling indecisive and wondered whom should I approach at a time like this. "What would have dad done in this situation?" I thought to myself while closing my eyes and placing my arm over my face. Cool breeze entered the room through the open window, as the street light fell on my face.

I sighed before sitting down on the bed and taking my cellphone in my hand, it was 8:30 now, I contemplated while going through my contact numbers, wondering if I should call or not. It was already too late, but I needed answers. I took a deep breathe before dialing his number, my hands trembled slightly while my heart was palpitating and feeling restless regarding the unpredictable events. I didn't know if he would even bother to receive the call. It's been ages since we spoke properly, and I haven't even bothered to call them since that incident. Now, after so many days, it feels selfish to reach out to him, because of my own needs. With each passing seconds, my heartbeats increased and I started having second thoughts, "I don't think, he would pick up the call", I thought to myself and was about to disconnect the call, when I heard his voice from the other end of the call.

Douglas: Are you out of your mind? Do you even know, what time it is? (He said in an irritated tone while whispering)

Me: Hey…..dad…..(my voice was filled with fatigue and felt defeated)

Douglas: What's wrong? (He asks, his voice was much softer and I felt like he was worried for the first time)

Me: (there was a long pause, before I could muster up the courage to speak) I fucked up….

Douglas: (he sighed) Wait….let me grab my jacket, and go outside. (He says in a low voice) Your mother is sleeping, I don't want to disturb her. I will call you back in a minute.

Me: alright….I will wait. (I said before disconnecting the call) Would he even call back? (I murmured to myself while holding the phone tightly in my palm waiting patiently)

With each seconds, my doubts increased, what was I even thinking when I reached out to him? We never had a daughter father bonding to begin with, and now I shamelessly wanted to get his advice. I am not Angela, why would he even bother to call me back? Was he really worried? No…..maybe he was acting, dad is really good at faking his emotions, I cannot trust him...not after everything….. don't raise my expectations after crushing them mercilessly. Maybe it would be better if he doesn't call back, then...I wouldn't have any confusing emotions. But...what if he calls back? How would he react? Would he be disappointed? Or disgusted? Then again….why am I having such thoughts in first place? I thought...I thought that I don't care anymore…..I thought I have given up my hopes long ago…..then why does it still hurts? Why is anticipation and anxiety grabbing my throat? Why...why is everything so confusing? I wish….I wish…..never mind…..sometimes it's better not to think.

My phone started vibrating, as I realised that he was indeed calling me back. Gulping my spit, and taking a deep breathe, I relaxed my mind before receiving the call.

Douglas: Now….tell me. What happened? (He said, as I could hear him lighting a cigarette from the other end of the call)

Me: Well, I fucked up. Haha…..(I said while feeling awkward)

Douglas: I heard that already. (He sighed) Just come to the main point.

Me: Ah… (I bit my lower lip while hesitating). Recently, I've been letting my emotions control my actions instead of using my rationality. It feels alien to me, something that never happened before. I think I'm getting carried away with unnecessary bonding. I don't know why I'm doing this. It feels like… (I started panting as I took a deep breath) It feels like I'm losing my mind, and I hate it. I hate being carried away by unnecessary emotions. It's overwhelming. (I said while tapping my fingers on my thigh getting restless and anticipating how my father would react hearing my words. I was ready for his disappointment and scolding, but I just needed answers to my concerns. I needed guidance on how to regain control over my game.)

Douglas: Tsk, seriously? I thought something serious happened. (His laughter could be heard through the phone, it was soft and filled with warmth) Gosh… Look, Anne, we're humans, not machines. We have emotions, and you need to accept that and get used to it. (He sighs) I know it would be difficult, but I believe that you'll find a way. Logic doesn't always work in relationships. (He pauses for a second before continuing) Now that you're forming new bonds, it's bound to make you feel confused, but there's no need to get anxious. What you're feeling is perfectly normal. No need to be scared or overwhelmed. At you're age, I also used to go through lots of things that were beyond me. You're doing a much better job at handling yourself. You're in an adolescent phase where many things won't make sense, but they'll work out slowly when you hit your adulthood. (He said before taking a long puff of his cigarette)

Me: But….I messed up. And I don't even know, why I took such a foolish step. (My whole body trembled with anger as I spoke) I have always been calculative with my moves, but this time…..

Douglas: Always walking on egg shells is stupidity. Unwanted events will come out of syllabus, so instead of crying over spoilt milk, it's better to take everything into consideration before planning the next move. (He said sighing) If such a minor inconvenience is making you have self-doubt, how will you stand up against the mountain? (He says in a calm tone)

Me: Yes….dad…..(I said still contemplating if I should tell him or not)

Douglas: What are you hiding? (He asks)

Me: N-Nothing….(I hesitated)

Douglas: Go ahead and tell me. (He urged)

Me: Our football coach is a bitch. She keeps on criticizing the team and hurt their confidence. Initially she tried her best to ruin the football club by dividing it, now she is trying her best to demotivate us and doesn't even bother to train us. (I sighed) So…..today I snapped and raised my voice and she used the chance to shift the blame on me and she punished me to train my team members. (I said while feeling restless)

Douglas: And you are scared? (He scoffs)

Me: What if I mess up? What if my teammates starts hating me? (I said as anxiety seized me)

Douglas: Remember, football runs in your veins. Whenever you're uncertain, close your eyes and take a deep breath. (Sighs) Regarding your teammates, people often change their opinions. If you believe your methods will benefit the team, proceed confidently. When they see it's for their benefit, they'll come around.

Me: (I felt reassured after hearing his words) Thank you dad.

Douglas: Anne, I might have never told you. (He hesitates) But, I am proud of you. (He said in an awkward yet nurturing tone) You have always proved that you have high potential than your siblings, I can understand that you are in a phrase of life, where everything seemed to be overwhelming and confusing, but don't be scared, everything will fall in its places when the time comes.

Me: Thank you dad….(My heart raced at his words, sending a surge of emotions through me. I was at a loss for words, overwhelmed by the affirmation I'd always yearned for. Could it be true? Was my dad actually proud of me? It was a revelation I never dared to hope for, filling me with a mix of disbelief and joy.)

Douglas: Also…..it's better to reach out for help at times, instead of keeping everything in yourself and suffocating, it's advisable to share your pain and sufferings to those who truly understands your needs. (He says before taking another puff of cigarette to relax his mind) Your brothers are always beside you, so stop hesitating to show your vulnerability. Even our vulnerability has its own strength, so sharpen it, and don't feel embarrassed to open your wounds. (He sighs) I have already went through it once and warning you from personal experience. There is no point in keeping everything in your mind, or someday those emotions will either burst or slowly eat you up.

Me: (I bit my lower lip) I understand. I will keep that in mind.

Douglas: Do you still smoke cigarettes? (He asks, as there was a long silence from my part. Instead of urging for an answer, he quickly changed the topic) Don't forget to call your mother, she had been worried about you, since past few weeks.

Me: I see…..(I said while feeling bitter) I will call her in the morning.

Douglas: Alright, goodnight. (He says before disconnecting the call)

After my conversation with Dad, I was flooded with a whirlwind of emotions. There was a profound sense of relief coursing through me, like a weight had been lifted off my chest. The fact that Dad had taken the time to listen to me, to offer his guidance and reassurance, filled me with a renewed sense of confidence. It was a rare moment of connection with him, one that I hadn't experienced in a long time, and it left me yearning for more.

As I lay on my bed, replaying our conversation in my mind, I couldn't shake off the lingering sadness that tugged at my heartstrings. I craved more moments like this, moments where I could feel seen and heard by Dad, moments where I could revel in his affection and approval. It made me wonder if this was how Angela felt whenever Dad doted on her, showering her with attention and praise. Did he truly feel proud of me, just as he seemed to be of Angela? "fool" I thought to myself, getting my hopes high again, just because of few encouraging words, when I knew well enough that at the end of the day, I would be met with disappointment.

Despite the encouragement and reassurance I received, there was still a nagging fear lingering in the back of my mind. The responsibility now rested squarely on my shoulders, and I couldn't afford to disappoint Dad's expectations. The pressure weighed heavily on me, fueling my determination to prove myself and succeed, but also stirring up a sense of apprehension about the challenges that lay ahead.

With renewed determination coursing through my veins, I rose from my bed and reached for my notebook. With a pen in hand, I began jotting down a series of strategies and plans, each stroke of the pen a testament to my resolve to take charge of my destiny. It was time to step up, to face my fears head-on, and to lead my team to victory. With my mind focused and my heart filled with determination, I set out towards the deserted football ground, ready to put my plans into action. Only to find the ground empty, not a single person showed up. I sat down on the grass and started contemplating, what went wrong, I at least expected few of them to show up, so what happened?

To be continued.....