It’s so disgusting

[WARNING CONTENT: mention of sexual harassment, child abuse, incest]

In the dim room, Selah waited for Aeneas to say something. She could see her fiancé turning pale. Aeneas froze in place.

I've said the wrong thing, Selah thought regretfully.

"Never mind, forget it. You don't have to say it if you don't want to," said Selah. She took a lying position, about to sleep. "Don't forget to close the balcony door again if you want to leave."

Selah accidentally sleeps on her side with her back to Aeneas. She closed her eyes, pretending to be asleep to get Aeneas to leave, but he didn't make the slightest movement.

At all.

"Your Highness?" called Selah slowly. No response. "Prince Aeneas?"

Selah slowly turned around. She found Aeneas slightly bent while holding his chest. He looked like he was having trouble breathing.

"Your Highness!" shrieked Selah. "W-what the–wait a moment, I will call–"

Aeneas' hands that were sweating coldly pulled Selah who was about to leave. With a pained face, Aeneas shook his head.

"But you're in this bad state," Selah said.

"Please… just water," said Aeneas with difficulty.

Selah complied and finally helped Aeneas drink. He coughed a little from it but calmed down after a while.

Selah just realized that Aeneas's body was trembling.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything," Selah said earnestly. She doesn't know why she panicked. "Should I call for Sir Azel?"

"Since when… you know?" asked Aeneas with a slightly short breath.

"Is this the time to talk about that?" Selah is trying to change the subject. "You are in this state because of me–"

"Just tell me, Selah."

After exhaling a long breath. "Since… a few days ago. I found out from my late mother's diary," she finally told him. "I wasn't comfortable having to marry someone hiding something from me, so I found out for myself."

"I can't blame you." Aeneas, who usually looks confident, now looks so fragile. He even hid his face in his knees. "You must feel disgusted because I am too."

"I didn't say that!"

Aeneas snorted in disgust. "Blair and Mother couldn't even look me in the eye," he hissed. "A man who has been touched by other men–especially by his own father. Is there anything more disgusting than that? It's so disgusting. I can't forget it…"

After silence, she doesn't know what to do. She just kept an eye on Aeneas.

"I still remember the pain, his rough hands on my skin, even his whispers… Every time I took a bath, no matter how many times I rubbed my body, no matter how much I rinsed my mouth, they still had traces. Every time that damn old man calls out to me, my body shakes like a coward…

"I've done all I can; poisoning him, doing things I love, cutting my hair… But all in vain. I'm still like this. My body also shrank because I used to be forced to wear women's clothes. I can't eat too much and get weak no matter how hard I try to exercise.

"People say I'm beautiful; I'm God's creation. But they don't know how sick I feel every time I have to look in the mirror. Because of having this face and body, I became a doll to satisfy his lust. I hate people who praise me and fear those who know my secret… I…"

"Is… can I touch you?" Selah asked after a long silence.

Receiving no reply, Selah tries to touch Aeneas. Having received no refusal, Selah raised Aeneas's face. There were tears of anger and blood on the corners of his lips. Aeneas must have been desperately holding back his anger to the point of biting his lips.

"You have fought hard, Your Highness," Selah said, wiping the blood off Aeneas' lips. "Wait a little while longer, and you will see the result of that struggle."

Maybe Selah had gone mad.

Or maybe Selah was still half asleep.

Because without her knowing it, Selah approached and kissed Aeneas first.

After slowly tasting the blood on the corner of his thin lips, she waited for Aeneas' reaction. Her hand searched for Aeneas' hand, then held it, saying that everything would be fine after this. The tip of her nose brushed against the tip of Aeneas's and the scent of flowers blinded her mind instantly.

He, who always annoyed her with the surprises he gave her, was now like someone scared. Arises from within Selah to protect him.

What feelings does Helena have for Catalina and Aeneas? The feeling of protecting fragile and beautiful figures. The feeling of keeping a beauty.

His eyelashes look longer when I see closer, Selah thought as she opened her eyes.

Aeneas slowly opened his eyes. From their distance now, Selah could see her reflection in those gold and sapphire blue eyes.

"Sorry, I got carried away," Selah admits while whispering right on Aeneas's lips.

And as if asking Selah to continue no matter what, Aeneas closed his eyes again. Selah hesitantly kissed Aeneas again the way she once did and from the damned novel that Lady Xavia and the others recommended.

Slow and gentle, full of care. Make sure that there is no coercion or rush. Selah made sure that Aeneas wasn't shaking anymore.

Inhale slowly, feels every inch of his body warmth. Calm your heart even though it's impossible. Aeneas had already suffered a lot of torment, so Selah didn't want to add to it.

"After this, everything will be fine."

***

Selah couldn't remember the last time she woke up late or the last time someone slept by her side. Anyway, as soon as she opened her eyes, the sunlight was already filtering through the gaps in the curtains, and Aeneas was sleeping, hugging one of her pillows.

I must be crazy, Selah cursed to herself when she saw the redness on Aeneas' neck.

She got off the bed slowly and walked out. Janette or Jeremiah should have woken her up a long time ago. Selah was grateful because they didn't have to see Aeneas in her room. But still…

"Sir Azel?" Selah didn't expect to find Aeneas' knight at the door of her room. "Why are you here?"

"Good morning, Your Grace. My sincere apologies for bothering you," said Azel. "I know that Prince Aeneas is coming here. So I–you know–take some precautions so no one finds out."

Yes. Selah can understand. "Prince Aeneas is very lucky to have someone like you. Thank you. You can let him sleep there. I'll send a letter later if His Highness needs you."

"No need to be like that, Your Grace. I can take Prince Aeneas now."

"No, it's fine." Selah felt awkward for a moment. "Things are a little–errr–not good."

Azel was silent for a moment. In a split second, he already knew what Selah meant. "Okay, Your Highness. I'll leave His Highness for a bit, then. Thank you."

"Yes, you are welcome," Selah replied with a heated face.

That one last night… Selah must have gone mad.