foreign emotions
Ive pov
I found a corner table in the back and wedged in. I was waiting for Gasper in a nightclub. The air around me was thick with sweat, alcohol and irritating smoke from cigarettes. The music was blaring, crushing all other sounds. The thump of the bass was making my headache worse. My informants told me he would be here in some time. I wanted to jump into a life and death situation. It always attracts me like a magnet. Fifteen minutes gone and he was still not here. I was getting irritated. Some waitresses juggled trays and not so friendly attitudes, ready to slug anybody who attempted to grab their ass.
I let out a small sigh, looking away. My thoughts drifted to her. I never minded her touching me. My fingers subconsciously touched my lips. That feeling. I waited before pulling out my phone. I scrolled onto Instagram, looking through her picture on her account where she last updated a picture of her and her ex boyfriend two years back. 2019.
'He gives me hope'. I read the caption.
My hands dabbed on the screen as the picture captured the whole screen. My eyes admired her. Wind blowing, her messy hair, tiny wrinkles formed in the corners of her eyes as she smiled widely. It made her look more beautiful. She was glowing. In his love! Though, her smile adorned the faint amount of lip gloss she applied on her lips.
Her long bob brunette and honey smooth curls ranging from dark honey to slightly lighter shades. Her hand enveloped around his neck while he looked at her fondly. Sighing, I felt my brows crease. His eyes clearly contained so much love, sweetness for her...soothing attention only for her. She looked into the camera, her blue eyes stood out with a little mascara. They were reflecting a sense of security and peace.
The way her eyes never shone with me. They looked so happy. The happiest she's been. He was lucky. Lucky to have her. Or she was lucky to have him. Was I even close to him?
Nowhere close.
Disturbing thoughts started to flood in my mind. I am the lone wolf of course he can't be compared with me. I still felt uneasy. She wanted me to find him. And she was willing to do anything for that. Whatever I would ask her knowing that it may cost her life and humanity. Why so much adoration and affection for someone else who clearly left her? Why him? My eyes were fixed on his shoulder where she rested her hand. Her touch. A dry lump formed in my throat.
Blood pumped loudly in my vessels. My chest heaved. I ran my fingers through my hair. I clenched on the phone so hard that my knuckles turned pale. A foreign emotion reigned in my veins which I've never felt before today...things I never thought of before. Something weird. Being lonely is rather lonely.
The irritation and anger of seeing her happy with someone else, someone other than me, was arousing. He's just an ordinary person in front of me. The desire of me making her smile awoke. I felt uneasy as I reminisced her eyes looking at me, feeling disgusted. I never brought a smile to her lips and this man could make her smile reach her eyes.
Am I jealous? In pain. More than just emotional pain. It's also physical.
Pain tugged my heartstrings as if something was clasping my heart. I hated to admit that I was feeling this way towards her. Maybe, I can't digest the fact that they loved each other so dearly while I am lonely.
She had only three pictures. One with Anse Garfield, second one with Benjamin while the third one when she wore her work uniform for the first time, taking the oath. Speaking of her, I had been wanting to kill her more and more now. I hated her, her mere existence. She started giving me headaches. Would I get the same feeling with someone else?
Before I knew it, a little drop fell on the picture. Twice! I already wasted two tear drops because of her. I felt it after a long time. It made me feel alive. Last time I was disappointed in her but this time I felt pathetic somehow. I couldn't really describe these suffocating and overwhelming emotions.
It was awful. What should I do to comfort my heart? I shut off the device. My face looked ugly with a trail the tear left behind on my cheek through the dark screen. Shoving it inside my pocket, I straightened myself. Leaning forward on the couch, I took another sip of my water from the table. I looked to my left. There were bottles of alcohol lining the bar.
Should I find him? For her? In return I can make her do anything I want. A life for a life.
Long red beautiful hair, someone with pointed curves approached me. She wore shorts that barely did the obvious job of covering people with her breasts spilling out of her tiny black lace top. Disgusting. I diverted my eyes elsewhere as I leant into the couch, throwing one arm over the back.
"Hey daddy" she slurred a little as she sat on my lap. She was reeking of sweat and alcohol. I ignored the nauseated urge I felt.
I was clearly not interested. How stupid is this woman? But she may not be at fault here. Emotions I felt don't bring themselves on my face. I avoid showing them, not letting anyone catch a glimpse of my inner self as far as possible. That was an effective way of defense. Blank. Neutral. Minimal facial gestures.
She had an arm around my waist. She held me close to her, pushing her breasts to my chest. My jaw clenched in pure anger. Keeping my hands away, I observed her. The strap of her top slided down her shoulder. What a practiced move! She can't turn me on. I hate sluts. I ignored her annoying smirk. I wanted to see how far and how low she could get. Her free hand traveled my chest to my lower abdomen. Placing wet kisses along my neck, her fingers inched up my torso, bringing my shirt along with it.
That is when Noah and Sefa's picture flashed. When I had seen his tongue licking her neck lustfully once and twice. My heart was thumping fiercely inside my chest with anger. I felt a tear drop rushing down my cheek. It was cold. Feeling such strong emotions towards someone, towards her was foreign to me. I didn't realize how much it affected me until I felt that ache. I didn't even want to remember when I cried last in the past. She allowed someone to lick her, there, her neck, twice, the pain bubbling inside of me. Have I ever been angrier? I was so disappointed.
♡♡♡
I just couldn't understand. I knew she was not a virgin but could sensual desires be that crazy to pounce onto anyone. I just couldn't understand. She hated my touch. I knew it. She had shown me how much she despised it. Still, she thought Noah deserved to touch her. I remembered how soft she felt. Her lips were so soft. I remembered how she called my name to calm me down. I remembered how I seeked comfort in her arms. I also remembered how she put me back to sleep in my bed.
His hands were on the small of her back, about to lift her shirt up. My feet couldn't move. I could feel something breaking inside of me as I peered intently at their figures flashed on the screen. Why wasn't she stopping him? Was she enjoying this?
I realized her hands were clenched so tightly that they had turned a livid red. There was insanity in her eyes. I noticed the displeased frown pulling down the corners of her lips. She wasn't liking it. She despised his touch. This weighed over my patience. I needed to protect her. I knew I had to. This affirmation had eroded any restraint I had on myself and my temper.
♡♡♡
Disgust filled my brain cells as I heard her soft moaning. My eyes snapped open. This slut was still licking my neck like a fucking animal. It felt wrong. Dirty. This was nowhere the feeling I felt with her. Sefa. I hate it. Despise it. I grasped onto a bundle of hair, tugging on it. She couldn't stop the pained whimper leaving her mouth.
She looked wasted. Her lipstick smeared, mascara smudged, dark brown eyes looking like two black raccoon eyes. I couldn't help but scoff and it only encouraged her to hold onto my neck. I had seen life leave many eyes. My hand was still ripping at her hair harshly. I imagined her cry and emotion she would show through her eyes when she'll beg for her life. Fear.
I have something for you in mind. I'll save it for later. My eyes sprayed past her to make sure if Gasper was still not here. She tightened her grip on my neck, yanking my gaze back to her as I let go of her hair.
"Oh come on" she pleaded as her tongue snaked out to touch her top lip.
She was trying too hard but I didn't feel anything. I was empty inside. She leaned her head on my shoulder. I was beginning to feel agitated and angrier.
"Keep your hands off me unless you want a bullet in your head"I smiled at her, a clear threat in my voice.
She started to sense something was wrong. There was a chill in my voice, a danger that terrified her. Deadliness. I was not a normal human being. Of course I was not. I don't think anyone needed a constant reminder of who I was. Being with me for some time, people begin to sense something was off. Maybe the vibe, that strange aura that my body radiated off.
All semblance of comfort left her as panic and fear replaced everything inside of her. She flinched, pulling her hands away and got up at once, moving among the sweaty dancing bodies to exit the place. A drunk guy gripped a long legged brunette's hips. Instead of smacking his hands off, she smiled and kept dancing, pulling him closer. Another girl was licking her dancing partner's face, pushing her bottom against someone else.
One could say rapists, throwing themselves on vulnerables are inhumane but what are these people who themselves put their body on display and crave lust from anyone. So fucking unbelievable! People groping and grinding each other in the name of dancing. Can people be dumber? Draining the rest of my water, I wished the liquid was something much stronger. I felt all the more agitated with myself as I thought how I could allow someone else to touch me.
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
I scanned at the people surrounding me. A man took out a small vial out of his pocket, opening it. He tapped it and divided the white powder into three parts. Without hesitating, a woman accepted one part. Covering her nostril with one finger, she snorted it. Then, the man did one too. Another man, smoke billowing out of his mouth, came to snort the other remaining row.
Weed.
Cocaïne.
In some time, their brain would go all wrong. They bursted into laughter for no reason at all. In another corner, a dark haired man in his early forties, drank the whole beer can. Opening another can the next second, he jerked it in the direction of the man and woman making out close to him. Maybe he emptied half of the drink on them.
The woman appearing to be offended, hopped into his arms leaving her make out partner. She stripped off her strapless blouse and tossed it somewhere before sitting in his lap. Wanting to throw up as a bile climbed up my throat, I averted my gaze elsewhere. Instant regret was what I felt coming here in the first place. Filled with abhorrence, I gave a sigh of disgust. How can they call 'these' enjoyments?
Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and prostitution could never tug me. I always felt disgusted and repulsed by such sights. I liked control over myself.
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
"Where was that bastard?"I muttered angrily, impatiently.
My watch showed past twelve o'clock. I've been here since the past hour. I had never been good at waiting. I stretched my arms a bit. I was angry, damn angry and that was my weakness. My ability to quell my impatience and impulse rarely worked. I would not be able to keep myself under control, more chances of fucking up. I tugged at the neck of my shirt.
I wiggled my back along the too stiff couch. I've been doing this scene for too long. My lungs burned with the need to breathe fresh air. I could no longer handle these shitty sights around me. I stood up and turned to a smirking someone.
Gasper. Welcome!
I smirked.