clouded mind

August 2020

"We were getting too close to Barnes' illegal shipment and they definitely weren't going to let that happen. That's why they leaked information to keep us off their backs. Perhaps, Ronny is just following her blindly"

"Duty comes before friendship, agent"

I clenched my jaw, slightly irritated at the tone Owen used.

Of course, duty prevails over personal attachments.

I had to leave before he got back inside. Certainly, it had been over fifteen minutes since they were gone. My head snapped at the faint noise.

Damnit.

Ronny's face appeared from around the corner, stopping me in my tracks. The way his body blocked the entrance and the smirk playing on his lips spoke of his intention aloud. 'I can't let you escape'

"Do you see yourself? Ronny. This is not you!"

I almost couldn't recognize him. His eyes appeared so off and distant. He shook his head, sighing as he took a step closer to me.

"I'd do anything to be with her"

"Do you even know what she is planning to do?"

His eyes softened.

"She wanna pin everything on me"

He knew. Yet…

I wanted to say so many things to him. I wanted to knock some sense into his head but the friend I once knew was long gone. She molded him into the kind of person she desired as she approached his inner demons and took him further into the darkness. He could have been so much more.

"I've got to be the one in whom she seeks comfort and finds the solace only a home brings. I can't let her lose herself. She is cruel. However, she is mine. When she'll get hurt, at that moment I'm the only one who must be with her"

She had no one because she was evil. It can be exhausting to love a bad person while it is as easy as breathing to love someone kind.

"Don't do this. You swore to protect your country, our home"

"That's why I'm explaining why I'm willing to cheat on my home for she is my heaven"

He wasn't ashamed and stared into my eyes as he spoke.

"The fuck are you babbling about! Ronny, she'd kill innocent people with those weapons. Be against us but don't be with her"

He looked elsewhere but I could clearly notice the unshed tears in his eyes and the vulnerability in his voice.

"Being around her is hard but not being with her at all will probably be the…hardest"

As he uttered those words, his voice cracked at the end and a drop of tear rushed down his eyes. He is repaying her favors and love in the wrong way. Maybe he forgot that love is never meant to be a favor for someone.

I pitied him. She was just using him and worse, he knew.

Annabelle is evil. She doesn't deserve good love.

'Nobody is born evil. You know it Lisa. So, who are you to judge her?' A voice whispered deep inside me.

Maybe she was in pain and lost but she can't be fixed at the cost of others.

Throwing a last look at Ronny's face, I spun and tried to run away but all I got was a deep ache in my temple. He couldn't have… I noticed the rod in his hand. Ronny was Annabelle's puppet now.

I should have expected this.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

My head hurt so bad when I opened my eyes. The sudden stiff ache in my temple burnt my whole face. I found my hands and pushed my body up from the ground. I swayed a little when I sat up. The slamming pain in my temple which I could feel beating in my ears made me dizzy. I whimpered softly, squeezing my eyes close and breathing hard. I blinked twice and tried to focus my vision. My whole body was sore though it didn't stop me from getting up. I steadied my body and shook my head.

The last thing I remembered was Anse's face as he looked at me with a creased forehead and frowning. He was so worried. I remembered I told him to leave. I remembered as his finger stroked my lower lip before relaxing his facial features and sighing. I remembered Ronny hitting my head so hard that I lost my consciousness. I had no idea how much time had passed. I touched my temple slightly. The blood clotted. Maybe one or two hours passed by provided that it was still aching terribly. The pain would have ceased. Owen must have already told the team everything. They must be coming to get me and the proof. The proofs were no longer in my pocket nor my cell phone. My stomach twisted upside down.

Gradually, my vision came back into focus and I realized there was no light in the room except for the one breaking in through the gap under the door. Four dirty walls separated by a few feet distance with no window, no space, no mattress, no water and a dirty toilet sitting in the corner of the room. He just threw me on the floor in this prison like garbage. My anger spiked up.

I fucking hated everything already.

"Fuck you Ronny!" I muttered under my breath.

I dragged my body to the door. Of course, it was locked. I couldn't hold back the groan that escaped my lips as I sat down on the ground. What was I going to do? I was on my own right now. Ronny already removed the tracking devices on me. But I knew him well. He was soft hearted. I can still escape. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. There was a lack of space. The small room kept appearing smaller. The throbbing intensified. Damn the concussions. I can't lose my consciousness again. I counted my breaths.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

The door suddenly burst open, slamming against the door. The intense abundance of light illuminating the whole place sent a shot of pain through my skull. My eyes burned while my hand covered them as I stood up.

"Woah you look like shit" he scoffed.

I held my head high, removing my hand from my face when another wave of dizziness hit me.

"Where are we?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.

"Have a seat" he said and walked further into the room.

He clicked his tongue and was invading my personal space. Somehow, he had a hint of guilt on his facial features.

"There's no chair unfortunately. So on the floor it is" he smiled lightly.

Bastard.

"Stay away"I warned him.

He stopped and took a step back. Still, he was too close.

"Don't make this more difficult than it already is"

I pressed my back against the wall behind me, exhausted to argue back. He was not worth it anymore.

"Believe me or not but I care about you. You're my true friend Sef"

What a dick.

"Is it hurting?" He asked as if worried though his face was quite annoyed and his shoulders appeared relaxed.

I remained silent, ignoring him as he approached me and his finger touched my chin making me look into his eyes. I looked at the door behind him for a chance. I moved my head away. I need to get him talking, distract him.

"Do you think she'd be happy to love you back?" I asked.

He flinched and blinked.

"You are doing all this for her and you aren't even sure whether she's going to accept you and appreciate your efforts or she's going to discard you?"

He flexed his hands open and close as if he was trying to control himself. I watched the muscles in his arms flex and ripple as he glared at me.

The door was still not locked. I still had a chance. Was he alone?

"I caught you on a call earlier while you had sneaked into my office. What exactly did you tell Owen?"

"You caught me right when I dialed his number"

He shook his head, his eyes hardening with every word that fell out of my mouth.

"Come on I saw you holding the cell phone next to your ears"

"You caught me right when-"

"Lie. The call lasted for more than three minutes"

He snapped.

I curled my fingers into a fist, frustrated and growled.

"Trace the fucking call then if you already know this much"

"Sefa what did you tell him?"

"Don't waste your time plus my energy"

I rolled my eyes.

My hand flew to his shoulder to grip him hard as I stared dead into his eyes.

"She'll be so disappointed in you"

Now, for the dramatic effect, I breathed in a deep breath to roll out the name I've been meaning to give him.

"Puppet"

He frowned and I let go of him, relaxing back into the wall.

His hand shot up to grip my face tightly. The warmth radiating from him dissipated long enough for him to act this way. I wanted him gone so much that I felt like throwing up right then. He was disgustingly too near. I pushed his chest with both hands but he wouldn't budge. I guessed he was much stronger or maybe this concussion wasn't helping. He gripped my shoulders tighter, stopping my attempts from getting away from him. He had caged me in and this was happening again. The room was getting smaller and I felt it on my skin. It was hard to breathe. My eyelids got heavier.

"Get off me you sick man"

"I thought you'd understand how I'm feeling since we are friends. You knew how much I needed her. She was always there for me in my darkness. I'm addicted to her now. Can't you put yourself in my shoes for once?"

"You are not justifying why you're betraying your team, your uniform and your oath"

"Wouldn't you have protected Anse?"

"My Anse is not Annabelle"

I had no ounce of doubt about my statement.

He wet his lips and looked at me angrily. His entire body pressed me against the wall. I couldn't free myself and that made me angrier. His breath was uncomfortably touching my face.

Never have I ever felt this way about him but right now I felt repulsed and uneasy with this proximity. Maybe because he wasn't my buddy anymore.

"How so?"

"Don't you compare them"

"Sef, listen to me. She is broken. I need to fix her. We're family"

"She doesn't consider you family"

"If I can fall in love with her darkness, I can for sure love her lightness. I want to free her"

His entire demeanor changed. He scooted his face closer to me with a ray of hope glistening in his face. He looked fragile.

"I know I can help her Sef. Once she'll realize her worth and understand the peace in loving, she'll be a completely changed person. Just give me one chance"

His eyes were red and glossy and his teeth chewed his bottom lip. He is going insane and I can't do anything for him. He is trying his best to go against his common sense and see positive in her monstrous actions. He wants to camouflage her viciousness. That was how much he loves her.

He was willing to cut ties with everyone, everything including his principles. He would be heartbroken in the end. Betrayal would wound him to the brink of death.

I furrowed my brows as I felt my ache crawling into my eyes.

"Let me go" my breath swallowed my voice.

Tears strained my eyes and I felt my vision blurry. I was dizzy, choking on my own breath.

"Ronny I'm your friend"

His grip loosened a little. He rested his forehead on mine, muttering a soft apology.

"One day you'll understand me. I'm just desperate" his voice laced with sadness.

'I would never betray my uniform or would I for my family?'

I desperately fought the sleep which was engulfing me slowly and searched his vest for his pen he always carried along and pretended I was trying to understand him. My fingers wrapped around the pen. The tip of the pen bruised my thumb and that made me feel better. I stabbed myself with the pen in my forearm hard enough to wake me up. My brain woke up, active. Then, I stabbed his thigh with it. I never wanted to hurt him. He was still Ronny. I couldn't have aimed for his neck or his eyes. As he took a step back letting out a pained hiss, I raised my knee and using my foot, I kicked his stomach so hard that I staggered a bit backward. Stabilizing myself, I stabbed a right into his face, set myself and whipped up a left uppercut to the body. He gasped.

He swarmed through the air at me. I dodged left and put an elbow in his face. He connected with his left hand and knocked me sideways in the stomach.

"Shit" I groaned.

My sternum seemed to crack. I rolled over twice. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. I fought through the blinding pain as I got back up to catch a huge roundhouse punch on the right shoulder. I held my stomach with both hands, unable to bear the pain shooting up in my entire abdomen. I pushed with my hands and levered myself upright. It nearly paralyzed my arm. He caught me and hurled me into the floor with such force that I coughed and rolled, gasping for breath.

I have to fight.

I have to fight.

I have to fight.

I scrambled to my feet, and lunged, kicking him in the chest.

"You're one tough nut...to crack as always" He arched one eyebrow as if impressed.

He came at me with no hesitation.

I hit him with one solid elbow smash and threw two hard punches. From the second punch, blood oozed from his lower lip. I felt weaker than I've felt in years. He should have been unconscious. I knew deep inside that I wasn't giving it my all. I saw him as my friend and not as an enemy. I looked at him and he looked at me as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. He pressed his lips but regained his composure quickly.

'Think of him as your adversary. Come on. Come on.'

"I'll help you. I was the one who ambushed Anse and Ben the other day"

He was smiling and relaxed. My blood sizzled. I gritted my teeth, clenching my jaw, frustrated. I tried to balance on both feet and hunched my shoulders down low and held my hands out in front of him like claws.

"Come and get it!" I sneered.

I circled, then smashed him in the body with a right, then another and another and another. My fist crashed into his temple and he staggered back and I followed up with a colossal right to his jaw.

"Fucking loser can't even fight me" I said, panting.

But he was breathing a little heavier than I was. I was beginning to feel I had some kind of a chance, long forgotten about the concussions. 'Come on Lisa'.

He charged at me again. I jumped back and sideways and dodged a straight drive that would have killed me. He was fast but impulsive. I came straight at him and he dodged right. But I was ready for that maneuver. I landed a left hook in the center of his chest. He came up off his feet and went down on his back.

I backed away three steps.

"You're just trippin', PUPPET!" I spat.

I wanted him to make a mistake and it worked real well. His face darkened. He seemed to swell up. He stood there, breathing hard. I landed the punch right, solid bone-to-bone contact where his jaw narrowed under his chin. I came up on my toes. The blow rocked him inches back. He just launched himself forward again with his left arm scything around in a huge roundhouse strike. I sidestepped his body and ducked under his arm. I bounced up again and spun around. He whipped back toward me. We had changed places. Now, I was nearer to the door than he was. Then, taking a step back, I tried to see what damage I had done.

His jaw was hanging open now, his face battered and bleeding from abrasions. His breath was wheezing, yet he kept coming. My arm and my stomach hurt badly but I dodged whatever he threw for about a minute. His head on attempts had only fueled my frenzy. I allowed him to tire himself out though I was dead tired myself.

I was thinking, steady on my feet. I may be small compared with him but I'm a woman with lots of training.

He rushed, swinging a powerful left. I met him halfway, and lashed out with his own left. My punch was faster. He took it on the mouth and spat blood. I got an elbow in his face. It cracked his nose and it started bleeding. He opened his mouth to breathe. Then, he near-missed with a right and for a fraction of a split second, his stance was wide open. Because of the blood in his nose, his mouth was open.

Superb!

I wound up and landed a huge uppercut under his chin, giving it everything I had. It slammed his mouth shut, most probable breaking his jaw. It was a crazy blow. Maybe he bit his tongue off and busted his teeth. In that state of mind, I might have ended his life. However, the realization that he might indeed die finally snapped in me. I unclenched my fists, breathing hard.

As he whimpered in pain, I gave him a last glance. He was once my friend otherwise I wouldn't hesitate towards a criminal. He had once made me laugh. We had shared happiness as well as our pain. He was there. Since we shared some beautiful and sour memories once, I'll be your courage for the last time.

"If I would have been in your place-" I said, my voice cut short as I groaned when the sharp pain returned. It was nauseating but I endured.

I took deep breaths.

"I would have done the same thing for the one I cherish as his shadow"I continued, panting.

I watched as he took in deep breaths, overwhelmed.

He remained still, no more crying. Panicked and terrified, I knelt beside him and felt for a pulse. A strong throb met my fingertips. A wave of relief coursed through me.