Days 100 Through 68 - Tara
100.
I'm ill, David doesn't know.
I don't want to tell him. It's not that I want to hide it from him. I just don't want to tell anyone.
The doctor is a friend of a friend. He's quite polite. He says that I can live for more than half a year on the premise that I treat it properly.
Sometimes I want to treat it properly. Sometimes I just want to die early.
99.
David said he would come back a bit later this evening. I waited for a bit. When I saw that the clock on the wall striked 11, I stopped waiting.
I didn't want to die today, so I can't stay up late.
98.
The sunshine's beautiful today. It shone in from the windowsill. My feet became a little warmer.
I don't want to go to work today. It'll be the same with or without me anyway.
97.
David bought me a bouquet today.
I haven't gone out for half a month. He said spring arrived and our tenth wedding anniversary will be in two days.
I let out an "oh", I did not know what to say, so I cooked him egg-fried rice.
He didn't seem to like it. He slammed the door and left after about two mouthfuls.
96.
Sarah sent me a message on Facebook, saying that David and his new little secretary were getting along well.
I don't know what to reply, so I laughed.
I feel a little sorry for taking the kindness of others for granted.
In the afternoon, I changed into my sportswear and went to the nearby university's basketball court to play basketball. I was a little happy, I even ate at my favorite restaurant.
95.
David lost his temper at me. He thought I was being spoiled. He asked me why I became so lazy, was it because I had complaints about him?
I shook my head. I don't have the energy to speak. I also feel that I'm becoming lazy. But gathering up energy is so tiring. Having to dream every day is so tiring. Thinking about things is so tiring.
Living is so tiring.
94.
Today I went to work for the first time in a while.
To be honest, the company's current business performance is at its peak, and David's position as president is stable. In fact, it doesn't really need me as the vice president.
Although this is the company we made great efforts to start together.
It's just, I think that both the company and David don't need me anymore.
After sitting in the office for a while, his new little secretary came in to see me several times. Full of excuses each time. I couldn't gather enough strength to deal with her, I could only drop it.
I hurriedly ran back home.
93.
On our tenth anniversary, he took me to a fancy restaurant. I heard my favorite song from 10 years ago, When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars.
I hummed along with a few words in my mind. My nose felt sour and astringent.
I really don't feel comfortable.
When we returned home at night, I made love with him. He suddenly asked, Tara, do you miss me?
Yes.
94.
Today, my parents called telling me to come home. I went. When I returned, I brought back a big bag of food my mother made.
Most likely, my mother doesn't hate me as much as before.
95.
I went to see the doctor today.
He still said that same line, that I will have more than half a year if I treat it properly.
I asked him, if I die tomorrow, what's the difference between that and dying six months later?
He was stunned for a moment, and then told me that I could bid my goodbyes.
So I can have less regret.
94.
I found my high school diary. I never told David that as the freshman representative standing on stage, I fell in love with him the first time I saw him during our first year of high school.
There were so many people. Only he stared at me while eating a bowl of sweet potato noodles looking like an idiot. In order to applaud, he put down the bowl first, and after he clapped his hands, he picked it up again.
It was too cute.
I couldn't help but fall in love at first sight.
93.
I don't really have any friends. Most of them are clients. Today, I asked a client that I worked many times with to come out for tea.
David was also drinking tea there with his little secretary.
My head really hurts. I really don't like his little secretary.
I could only take out medicine to eat, and bring the client to a private room to hide.
The client smiled and said, "I think I saw President David just now?"
I raised my chin, "Yes, he's taking his lover out for the weekend."
"…President Tara?" The client looked at me in surprise.
I laughed, "This matter is hard to talk about. It's a household issue. If I talk about it, it's a topic that even dogs will despise."
So the client stopped talking and could only looked at me sympathetically.
In fact, I also want to say, it is better to sympathize about me being cheated on than to sympathize about me dying.
Forget it, forget it, they're both no good topics.
Even dogs will despise them.
92.
David came back and explained about taking the little secretary out for tea to me. I didn't want to hear it, but he wanted me to listen, so I listened.
It really wasn't pleasant to hear. It was nothing more than taking care of the juniors.
Juniors? Are you her husband or father? If you take care of her, who will take care of me?
Too lazy to say more, saying more is useless.
After dinner, he dawdled around. When I asked him whether he was going to bed, he summoned up the courage and asked me, "What's the relationship between you and Sam Bennett?"
"What do you mean what relationship?"
"I saw you enter a private room with him."
"…"
"Say it."
"Client."
As soon as he heard this, his face darkened, he said sarcastically, "You have been doing nothing for more than a month. What kind of client needs Vice President Tara to come out personally?"
I'm, really, too, lazy, to, respond, to, him.
Head hurts.
91.
I ate medicine.
90.
Hurts.
89.
I had a dream. I dreamed of a long long time ago, a time when I didn't fall in love with him yet.
My heart hurts.
88.
I went to see a psychologist today.
I have a lot of things I want to say, but I couldn't say them.
In the evening, I called my mother. She said she hopes I can bring David home on May 1st this year.
I answered vaguely, I didn't agree nor disagree.
After hanging up, I called David again. He answered it. He said he was busy at the company. I said I wanted to make love.
He almost maliciously taunted me, "Do you even have love? You can find a stick and do it. I really don't dare to touch you."
I didn't speak.
Unable to summon up the energy to refute his words.
It's just, I taunted him before. I told him, don't come back to f–k me after f–king someone else, that I was afraid of getting diseases.
He was angry. I knew he was angry.
I think my mind is broken. I don't want to make love at all. I just miss him a little.
87.
Bought medicine.
Bought sweet potato noodles.
Went to make food alone.
Lost my key.
I cried.
I can't go back home.
86.
I didn't call him. I sent someone over at 6 in the morning to change the door lock to a password lock.
Then I went home to shower and took my medicine.
And then sleep.
85.
Had nightmares.
84.
I thought of what happened when we first dated. He, a broke man, bought me ice cream and let me eat all of it. In the end, he licked the bits of ice cream off my lips and was satisfied.
I knew that he liked sweet potato noodles. I often bought sweet potato noodles and went to his dorm to find him. Every time he saw me coming, he laughed and fell onto the bed, sighing, "Oh Tara–"
"I love you so much–"
83.
I asked him why he doesn't love me anymore.
He was still angry. He only looked at me and sneered. Then he told me, you are always on your high horse, acting so conceited and noble. You don't take me seriously in a relationship, it's uncertain whether you really love me or not, especially after marriage. Sometimes I can't figure out why you decided to get tangled up with me. Your affections always change so suddenly. You put on an expression as if people owe you $8 million every day. Tara, do you really love me?
I panicked, the pain almost felt like being struck by thunder.
I grabbed onto his hand and struggled as I asked him, "Do I… do I not love you enough?"
He withdrew his hand in silence.
I continued to ask him, "Why, why would you think that I don't love you? I… I started a business with you and accompanied you for so long. We have already been married for ten years…"
He raised his head to look at me almost as if compassionately, he said in a raspy voice, "Whatever you want, I have to want as well. If you don't want it, I can't even think about it. Sometimes I wonder, Tara, what part of you deserves to be liked by others? You don't love me. You never expressed that you love me. I have no idea why you decided to be with me. Whenever I'm with you, I feel that it's hard to breathe. How can you force me to this point?"
I was speechless, I stared at him dumbfounded.
"Do you think that starting a business with me is loving me? Have you ever thought about taking me back to see your family? After ten years of marriage, I haven't even seen your parents. Have you ever thought about how I feel? You're also like this in the company. Have you ever given me respect? Whatever you decide to do, it's the final say. Whatever you say is the law. It's even more so these days, you're too tired to even lift your spirits, feeling uninterested. Isn't it because being with me is so uninteresting that you can't lift your spirits?"
"Look at other people's wives, then look at yourself, what can you do? I'm only asking you, what can you do? Lose your temper? Give the silent treatment? Or give orders?"
I shook my head and asked him in a raspy voice, "After five years of dating and ten years of marriage, this is the conclusion you reached?"
He sneered, "So you also know that we've been living together for 15 years? You're tired and annoyed. You should have said no sooner. Acting like I've wronged you all day, even I'm annoyed."
I really don't know what to say.
Hurts.
It hurts everywhere.
Where did I put my medicine?
82.
It hurts. It hurts so much.
I don't want to take medicine. It hurts.
It's both bitter and painful.
81.
I am reading my diary today.
[I think David drugged me with ecstasy pills. Why do I want to smile whenever I see him? I like him so much.]
80.
[My stepmother doesn't like me, and neither does my dad. After Marrying David, my stepmother beat me out of the house. Something about marrying a broke liberal kid from Seattle. When I came home afterwards, I saw David nesting on the sofa watching TV. I couldn't help but be cheered up.]
79.
[I'm thinking that, with him, we must definitely grow old together.]
78.
Had a good dream.
Don't want to wake up.
77.
Had a nightmare. I woke up from fright. My side was empty.
He's not coming back.
My hands shook as I took some sleeping pills. I fell asleep.
76.
I went to get medicine again. The doctor said that I lost a lot of weight, asking why wasn't I treating this properly?
I felt helpless, even if I treat it properly, I will still lose weight.
He said that a good treatment would lead to a longer life.
I didn't respond to him.
I don't want to tell him what I'm thinking.
If there's a button that will let me die immediately, I will press it a hundred times. In the next hundred lives, I don't want to be human.
75.
I went to the park. When returning home, I looked through my emails. I received the dismissal notice from the company.
The time showed it was sent that night we last quarreled.
74.
I planted a tree in the yard.
I named it Tara's tree.
73.
I went to see the new movie. It was boring, but I had a good time. There were many lonely people like me.
It turned out that everyone was lonely.
72.
David came home today. He hadn't been home for a long time. He didn't know I changed the lock. He could only stand outside the door to wait for me.
When I came back from grocery shopping, he saw me and smiled. He shouted, Tara!
I made him a bowl of egg-fried rice.
Eat it or not, I don't care.
In the evening, he bugged me to record his fingerprint for the password door. I recorded it for him. He felt wronged and said, how could you really get mad at me? You even changed the lock.
I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say.
I lost my key. I called you but you didn't pick up. I couldn't go home, so I had to change the lock.
71.
I probably know what he wanted to do.
So I didn't go home today.
70.
I made a friend. He sometimes talks to me.
I said I had a dream. I dreamed that there was a tree on the balcony.
He smiled and asked me, how can there be trees on the balcony?
There is. It grew up there. Look.
69.
My mother came to see me today, she said I was too thin.
I ate her cooking, smiled, and asked how my little brother was doing lately, was there any part of the family that needed money?
She said that my little brother had recently invested in a project that required a lot of money.
I said okay.
Then she praised me.
68.
I am very tired.