Days 67 Through 1 - Tara

67.

I slept until the afternoon. I went to the market to buy some groceries, then went to the store to buy some snacks. When I passed by the park, I shared the snacks with several children.

After contemplating for a bit, I sat down on the bench with the groceries at my side and watched the scenery of the park for the entire day.

It was very beautiful.

66.

I saw from a certain book that you can use food coloring to dye painkillers, and it can become like candy.

I silently counted the pills and dyed them like rainbow candy.

One piece, two pieces, three-and-four pieces, five-six-seven-and-eight pieces, nine-ten–and-eleven pieces, all of which remain the same when turned into candy.

Oh well.

It merely turned into a better-looking pill, it is still bitter.

65.

I don't want to recall the past, so I didn't go to work, school, or places I often went with him.

I'm afraid that when I think of him, I'll feel that the painkillers don't work.

Today, I basked in the sun. There's a tree on the balcony. I think that there is a tree.

64.

Sarah sent me a message saying that the company's core projects were taken out for trading, asking whether I knew about this.

I knew, and also didn't know.

I have spent 6 to 7 years on this project. I haven't even fully disclosed it to David. This project needed an opportunity, an opportunity that needed to be waited for, but I won't get to wait for it.

So when David stole the core information I put in the safe that night.

I knew.

But I don't really want to know.

So I pretend I didn't know.

63.

I'm too lazy to cook. I ordered takeout.

Scrolling through Moments on Facebook, I saw the post from David's secretary–

[The restaurant that @David took me to tastes really good <3<3<3]

I canceled the takeout, immediately changed my clothes, and drove to that same restaurant.

I have to try and see how good it really is.

62.

There was too much food in the restaurant yesterday. The food was indeed good. How rare, even across the carved screening, I could still hear David's voice praising the good taste.

I watched him smile at the person next to him, a face full of gentleness. I quickly took out my rainbow candies and swallowed one after another.

Alright, so today I lay in bed. I couldn't get out of bed. It hurts to death. My pill comrade is insensitive and not being devoted to work at all.

It, hurts, to, death.

61.

I posted on Twitter.

A candle lit for myself.

He's the only one I follow on Twitter. I scrolled through his page. I was in so much pain, I really wanted to cry.

But it wouldn't come out.

60.

We're both adults. So how can his heart change so quickly.

When he loved me, he loved me with his all. When he does not, he throws me away with a single kick.

Son of a b-tch.

59.

Ordering takeout.

Eating takeout.

Staring at the balcony.

There is a tree.

My friend told me that there is no tree on the balcony.

I had a nightmare.

There's definitely a tree on the balcony.

58.

No friends.

57.

I came to see the psychologist again, but I still couldn't voice out my thoughts.

I only told the doctor, there is a tree on the balcony, I have a friend, I want to go home, I want someone to care about me, I want…

What do I want.

I also don't know.

56.

Took a nap.

Ate egg-fried rice.

After playing a few rounds of Rocket League Sideswipe, I got frustrated. I sent a link to David asking him to play. He ignored me. I had no more mood to play, so I stopped playing.

I cried again.

Since no one told me not to cry, I cried very miserably and loudly. I wasn't afraid of disturbing others. There is no one in my house except me.

55.

David ignored me.

He asked me to accompany him to get a divorce.

I took a full bottle of painkillers with me and asked him to pick me up. He didn't want to bother with me, so he was very uncommunicative. I wanted to talk to him, I said with a smile, "… Have you made up your mind about Sam?"

He glanced at me, "Why are you acting so considerate now?"

I took and ate a rainbow candy, "No, just asking."

"Originally, I didn't need you to accompany me. It's fine to just send the information over." David pursed his mouth. The profile of his face was cold. I glanced at it, then stuffed another rainbow candy into my mouth.

"But I just happen to have time. I'll consider this leave of the country as a vacation."

I didn't know what his logic was. My heart felt very numb. Mr. Rainbow Candy was very dedicated to work today.

54.

Divorced!

53.

I had a bowl of egg-fried rice today.

I loosen the soil for the tree sapling.

And drank a bottle of soda. It felt suffocating.

I sat on the balcony and watched the scenery.

I bought some building blocks.

52.

I took the blocks and built a house, a car, a tree, a flower, and a person.

And another person.

51.

Can't sleep!

Rainbow candies don't work, sleeping pills don't work.

50.

I still have $5000 in my card.

Probably enough for me until I die.

49.

[Doctor: Mrs. Beckett, do you have any kind of distress recently?]

[Patient: …I, I saw a tree growing on the balcony, like a dream. Someone talked to me. He said there was no tree, but there was… I saw it. I saw many moons on the tree, no, they were stars. I counted them many times, but couldn't give a count.]

[Doctor: Who were you talking to?]

[Patient: It's… it's, I don't know. I thought it was David, but David wouldn't talk to me. He hates me, he went to find someone else!]

[Doctor: Who's David?]

[Patient: …Him? He's my lover. I liked him since the first day of high school. We have been married for ten years. He said I don't love him… How, how can that be?! How could I not love him… (sobbing) I have loved him for 18 years. How can he say I don't love him? He hates me, (sobbing) he says he can't feel my love…]

[Doctor: Did you tell him about the 'tree' and the 'friend'?]

[Patient: (shakes head) He doesn't talk to me, he ignores me.]

[Doctor: Besides these, are there any other troubles?]

[Patient: I have nightmares, many nightmares, I'm very scared… My mother only knows to ask me for my money, she loves my little brother. I have many nightmares. I'm very scared. I cry every day, but no one comforts me. I'm in pain. David doesn't want me… my friend is fake. I have a stack of building blocks. I want someone to accompany me, but I don't have anyone… (crying in a quiet voice)]

[Doctor: Anything else?]

[Patient: …I'm terminally ill. I won't live for long.]

[Doctor: …(stunned)]

[Doctor: Mrs. Beckett, what kind of nightmares do you have?]

[Patient: Roads, they're so many roads, they are so long… there's also a bridge, it's so tall, I can't see the edge. I keep walking, I'm so tired, so tired, I couldn't stop. There are also things chasing me. I don't want to run, I want to be eaten.]

[Doctor: Did your lover say anything to you recently?]

[Patient: He said he hates me the most.]

[Silent]

48.

I attended a concert.

It rained on the way back. I got wet. I bought a large bag of cold-proof medication at the drugstore and went home.

47.

Sarah said she would come see me. She learned through the doctor that I was ill.

I bought a lot of food and happily cooked a big table of food.

Sarah was my secretary at the company. She is a real cute girl. When she came, she brought me a bouquet. It smelled very fragrant.

I happily patted her on the shoulder. She took a sudden breath and looked at me tearfully.

"Tara, how could you hide it from me? Wuwuwu…"

"It's not even a big deal. There's nothing to hide. Isn't it better to tell you after it's cured?" I comforted her.

She asked, feeling aggrieved, "Really?"

It seems that the doctor really didn't tell her what the illness was. I was relieved. I patted her head and said in a warm voice, "Really."

"Then did you tell David?"

I smiled, "No, I'm afraid he'll be worried. He likes to fuss about things. You'd better not tell him, wait until I'm better. The doctor said I'll recover soon."

She nodded and began to smile.

I smiled, too.

46.

When I went to the hospital for an IV drip, I met a child, he gave me a rainbow candy.

Feeling the real rainbow candy, I couldn't help laughing. The real candy tastes pretty good, sour and sweet.

When I went home, I bought a big bag of it. I mixed it with my fake rainbow candy.

Planning on using my luck to pick out the real and fake rainbow candies.

45.

Slept all day.

44.

I had a fever and took some medicine.

Have no strength to hold my phone.

43.

I put my phone flat down and scrolled through Moments on Facebook.

David showed off his overtime lunch box. I rubbed my stomach that hadn't had a single drop of water, suddenly feeling hungry.

I don't have the energy to get up. Might as well starve to death.

42.

I'm really hungry.

I'll sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep.

I'm dying from hunger.

41.

Can't bear it, I booked an auntie from a housekeeping company to cook for me.

I asked the auntie to help me up and feed me a bowl of rice. I feel a bit better.

Then closed my eyes and went to sleep.

40.

Today, I can get up. I made myself a bowl of egg-fried rice.

Actually, I want to eat curry rice, but I have no strength to go out. Maybe I'll try tomorrow.

39.

Saw someone saying that counting money could kill time, I stared at the $4000 in my balance.

Forget it, I don't have the strength to go outside and change it into coins.

I could only sit on the sofa and play with building blocks. I made a panda, and a kitty.

The panda's name is Little Black.

The kitty's name is Little White.

Little White loves Little Black, so she chased after him. As Little White ran and ran, she suddenly noticed that Little Black didn't catch up. She was shocked and ran back to find Little Black. It turned out that Little Black was hiding.

When he saw Little White nervously searching for him with his tail cocked up, he jumped out with a whoosh and scared Little White.

Who knew that Little White would immediately hug and kiss him.

It turns out, Little White has long fallen in love with Little Black.

38.

Little black doesn't love Little White.

37.

I sat on the balcony and looked at the little tree in the yard.

The sapling sprouted.

My eyes hurt.

Did Little White secretly cry again last night?

Made my vision all blurry today.

36.

Couldn't get up, slept for an entire day.

35.

Couldn't get up, slept for an entire day.

34.

The pain is unbearable.

33.

My voice won't come out of my throat. My body doesn't hurt that much anymore. I'm so hungry.

32.

I could finally get up, I went to the living room to watch TV.

It felt like David was watching it with me, so I watched until 3 in the morning.

31.

Staying up late really does hurts the health. Today, it hurts so much again that I couldn't get out of bed.

30.

I gained some strength. I found my phone and started playing Rocket League. David used to play with me. I'm already at Platinum Rank, he's still Mid Gold.

I scrolled to 1v1's and played many Matches.

29.

Went outside, which is rare. I bought a new set of clothes and a pair of shoes. I went to that restaurant that David liked very much for lunch. When I went to bed at night, I fell asleep before dawn.

28.

A picture of the little secretary was in David's Moments today. I wrote a comment, she is really good-looking.

After waiting for a bit, I saw David deleted it.

27.

Today, I noticed that David blocked me on Facebook.

When eating, I vomited blood and made the floor dirty. After mopping the floor, I felt dizzy and light-headed. I couldn't help covering my eyes and cry.

Jeez, I'm already so tired that I could hardly breathe. How come I still have the strength to cry.

What are you crying about, what are you crying about.

He has long since stopped loving you.

He has long since stopped loving you.

26.

Friend-requested him on Facebook. After waiting all morning, he didn't accept it. I couldn't help but send another request and wrote a plea, but he still didn't accept.

I have no appetite to eat. I vomited a lot of blood.

25.

I requested to add him again.

Didn't accept.

I hate eating. I keep vomiting blood.

24.

I kept begging him.

I sent him a text message, saying I just want to see his life, no other intentions.

My phone number also got blocked.

I have no more strength. I went back under the quilt and lay down.

23.

The sheets are full of blood. Water won't go down my throat. No strength.

22.

I scratched my thigh until it became unsightly. Hurts so bad.

21.

I want to dream.

20.

I'm a bit better today. I got up to shower and wash the bed sheets. I made myself a bowl of noodles. I ate two bites and began to cough up blood. I still finished eating it in the end.

I turned on the TV. The variety show was very noisy, but very lively. I cleaned the table and placed a box on it. I planned to put my will in it, but it needs several drafts to be finalized.

19.

I called the doctor and asked him to send over some painkillers. He didn't listen, he said I'm taking too much medicine.

I pretended to be pitiful, saying it's so painful that I can't even get out of bed, that I kept vomiting blood. I'm already about to die, so what if I take too much medicine? If I don't take any painkillers, I'll die from the pain.

It took him a while to agree to send it to me.

I secretly made a peace sign at myself.

18.

I searched up David on Twitter and found out that he was recently part of the ribbon-cutting ceremony in the neighboring city. He looked thinner. I watched it for a bit, then didn't dare to watch more.

17.

I suddenly remembered about Facebook. I logged in to see him, but found that he had emptied all other content except for the one text post "When I loved you, you pose to be delicate and behaving. When I don't love you, you pretend to be pitiful. Tara, do you always not think you are in the wrong?"

I'm wrong.

I'm indeed wrong.

I couldn't hold my phone. It fell to the ground and broke into several pieces.

I was wrong.

Absolutely wrong.

16.

Vomited blood, hurts, can't sleep.

15.

The TV is so noisy, I couldn't get up and turn it off.

14.

Little White has already cried my eyes swollen. Useless guy.

13.

Vomited blood, hurts, fell asleep.

12.

I don't remember what happened.

11.

Today, I took a look at myself in the mirror.

I look like White Bone Demon #3!

So ugly!

10.

Missing my mother who loves me.

9.

I went out, bought curry, and hurried home.

I'm scared of people looking at me. I'm so ugly right now.

8.

After two mouthfuls of congee, I vomited it. Don't feel comfortable.

I went to lay in bed all afternoon. I couldn't sleep at night. I counted the stars on the tree.

There were so many, like the stars in the sky.

7.

The first draft of my will is finished!

6.

I thought about my entire life, there weren't really any good days.

5.

I suddenly want to go to the supermarket to buy a bag of potato chips, the cucumber-flavored one.

4.

The tree has grown a lot taller, it's to my shoulder now.

3.

Today, I made a bouquet of flowers with lego. Hahaha, aren't my skills good?

2.

I sent a private message to David on Facebook.

–Take good care of yourself. Good night.

1.