Dear Dairy 5

I know that the world is mirror of one's conscious but if being positive could be a universal solution for every problem then women are born with an extra part of brain to turn everything visible in positive cause that's the method how they have been managing to live…. No.. not living….. to pass their life time since ages. And exactly in any mean women are not living, these constant series of unbearable action and reaction of uneventful daily routine of everyday is not a life but unattainable, unstoppable flow of time which is only eternal in general but not for any particular being or thing and they are swimming along it until it leaves them behind to never look back since everything of this universe is bound to walk on path of life and death.

A year has passed still I constantly found myself in vortex of uncertainty as to where do I belong and the turmoil only seem to get worse when a new life found its existence in me. I was freaked out completely, I absolutely was happy but some corner of my heart, I was in a state of terror of not being able to be a good mother and such. The dominating anxiety found new reasons each day to keep on growing to feed the coward inside of me to rise on a whole new level.

The abrupt change in the family members was quite strange and horrifying, which I decided to be another major reason for the extreme unsettling feelings arousing in me. Being on a conflicted position where up till then only got looks of trash and the talks was only over complains or undone work, suddenly interchanged with smiling faces and happy chit chats around me that it could only manage to shook me violently in horror.

I have always been unable to comprehend the true nature and the complicated mind sets of humans around me and that in my opinion should be the reason why the sudden positive behaviour of the ever demanding family members made my fear of society and humans in it even more. I suppose no one out there would dislike being in directions of everyone's good will and happy smiles and to see always pouting mouths of mother and sister-in-law beaming brightly made a few butterfly flutter in my stomach as a true smile introduced itself to my face after I don't remember how much time.

The once grave yard of a house looked a flowery garden then and I could only think of the one responsible for this and to express my sincere gratitude, I brought my hand to stomach and caressed it lovingly "You do know some magic, only news of your coming made everyone go nuts with happiness." I was happy to look at these radiant smiles on everyone's faces, if only I could have made them this happy by my arrival. That was an irrelevant worry, I knew, still I hoped to be a person to be accepted, one would be suffice if not by everyone, whatever, leaving the depressing thoughts aside, it was like the life was coming back on right track, the dark feelings of depression and uncertainty were gradually decreasing as constructive thoughts were slowly surrounding me.

Life for once was sailing smoothly and then it happened, as if the entire universe gathered all powers to punish me for I was not deserved of what we call happiness. One evening mother-in-law passed me a box full of nutritional maternal food which made me extremely joyous to see her care about me.

"Eat it."

"Hum… I will. Thank you, mother." A smile escaped to sit on my lips.

"Don't eat or do anything that can harm the child. That child will be precious inheritor of this family's bloodline." I saw her retreating back and the distance increased steadily but her piercing words were still there, echoing in my ears repeatedly as I felt my legs going jelly and sat abruptly as to not losing balance and end up getting the unborn child killed. My vision got blurry by an amount of unshed tears as the dead butterfly of stomach made a cyclone of acid and vomit, threatening to spill out as the shuttering sound of mind and heart engulfed my ears.

"Ah…. so that was it."