Dear Dairy 6
"Ah…. so that was it."
A humourless laugh echoed in my throat as crushing reality fall on me like thunderbolt to burn even small pieces of any possible doubt at what the elder lady has just said.
How come I never realised the only they desired was baby not the mother, how foolish, how pathetic to be mindlessly happy and closing eyes towards such obvious signs of refusal of my own existence. The destructive incident broke down any hope or need of being happy, as automatic development of extreme suspiciousness towards any positive feeling such as hope or joy began. At that point became obsessive of the idea that I could never be qualified to be a part of community of delight. Everything was clear then, I was able to process why I couldn't make them happy with my arrival and it was properly convinced by both of parties.
Even though I am the one going to give the child a life after bearing gradually increasing pain of every month to turn unparalleled at the last stage, and after me bearing a pain successfully comparable to multiple bones breaking at once to finally convince the child to the world, I got thrown away who up till then was only needed as a medium between two generation of a linage to make it successfully going forward in the course of time.
And it's a must to discuss this stone set rule of society regarding the matter where the child should be the father's inheritor and would carry his family name even though in view of science's well researched facts, the child carries half genes from both parties, then only men gets to taste the sweet fruit which a women worked so hard to sow and raise. It's as if women are just a much needed medium in-between two generation of a linage to keep it moving forward in the course of time, a role similar to that of a delivery boy's from any shop or shopping apps?
The feeling of nowhere to belong once again rushed in lightning speed and embarrassed me completely making me utterly horrified and left me at the expense of my own misery as I felt that of like a ghost who doesn't have or deserve a place in either earth or heaven, not even hell want to provide an accommodation only to leave them wandering around in an unbearable lonely and painfully cold world. Just like a ghost, women never belong anywhere be it parent's or husband's house, even thought tons of laws are provided for women by government but some lines written on paper doesn't change much what goes down deep in veins of a society influence by old dreadful inflexible rules and rituals made by ancestors. No one asked to completely disregard the rules of ancestors but the changes are necessary for both us and the society to move forward, even lord Krishna said the same thing in Geeta.
I hated it, I despised it but bore it, the constant murder of my self-respect. The days passed by and maturing of child also progressed steadily to come at a point where the child had no desire to stay in that cramped space of my womb and started threshing and kicking the very stomach which gave space and life to it, causing me to cry out in pain.