Chapter 250: Wretched (Pich-Amhan)

I should have just stayed quiet as soon as The Noble Princess Consort asked me that personal question; why on earth would I torture myself like this? I was already suffering; being torn between my work and my personal life. Seo Yeon was the most beautiful, most kind and most gentle person…woman I had ever come across in my life, and she was bewitching me into almost giving up everything that I had been forced to become. I needed to retrieve Moon-Bok from the palace in a few days time before I picked up Yeon and I brought here back home to her brother…and then what? She knew too much about me for me to just simply let her go, even without my feelings for her. So do I marry her and live a life of pretence once again? I was not alright with her stay in the brothel without me and we both knew it. I didn't like anyone else looking at her or knowing about her in case…in case someone better than me came along for her and took her away from me, which could only happen if she chose to walk away from me. I could only imagine how a room full of brothel men would have fantasied about her in ways that only I had the right to, how they gift her things that I could have in a heartbeat and how they could look upon her all day when I was fighting a war for a country that I was beginning to loose hope in. I never thought that I would carry this feeling inside of me, but I could no longer deny that I was beginning to resent Yeon for everything that she had hidden from me in our past and present. Why couldn't she just trust me to protect her and let me get on with it? Wy did she have to become so stubborn and reckless…just like I was?

But no matter how angry I was at her, or how hard I tried to keep busy, there would always be something that reminded me of her, whether it would be watching girls huddle in groups around new books, jewellery pieces that were in her favourite colours or even watching lovers desperately trying to find places to meet up. Every time Yeon crept up in my mind, so did her brother's reaction when he found out about my…feelings, confused thoughts or whatever they were that was taking up so much of my mind and time. After all of this mess it was still up to me to reunite them…but knowing Hwi, he would most definitely take her away from me just to hide from my father. In fact, I'm pretty sure that he would even go as far as to marry her off just to ensure her safety…

Just that very thought made me break the glass I was holding in my hands in my second brothel that I had stepped into. I was not a man that particularly divulged into pleasure like this apart from my drinks, so I felt disgusted by myself for even stepping foot here…I felt as if I was betraying her. But I had to at least try to move on for her brother's sake, the last thing that should happen was that I take her right back from him after stealing her in the first place…more or less…and she was very on and off with me already. Someday's she would be comforting and other days she would keep her distance due to me still hiding her and not telling her about her memories properly…but no matter what mood she was in she would always give me the same smile that I gave her to tell her that everything was ok. But when I tried to approach her she just used the same cold excuses that that I did to maintain my distance from her, leaving me reeling in my own guilt that I was barely able to survive in. Yeon was having an effect on me that was slowly swallowing me whole; every single day I was by her side she would follow me, but now that she was no longer waiting for me and was doing things without my consultation or guidance I felt completely lost and cold with no path to walk on until Yeon once again turned to me. Now that I got a tatse of what I myself had put her through I had never felt so miserable, sad and almost disoriented in my entire life. Maybe…should I do something? To make sure that she remembers who it was that was looking after her? Should I use the Lady Min? It wasn't like she was giving me any other choice…

So I took another look around at the women who were all either too young, too old, too dense or over-confident in their selves to be here. I had some throw themselves at me from the minute I walked inside and drag me to a spot where could indulge myself as much as possible. But no matter how many women were sent to me, they couldn't make up for her warm presence and secret smiles that Yeon had only for me. I had been here for only a few minutes but she was still the only thing I could think about…and right now, for the first time in my life longed to be home…maybe if I told her everything that was going on, I would be absolved of this emotional torture much sooner, no matter how she saw me after this. I would give her as much space as she needed…but as for her brother's wishes…I had to talk to them, both of them to not only clear up any misunderstandings between us…but to secure our lives together…maybe through marriage. If it kept Yeon safe for the rest of her life, then why not? It would be unfair to her to just keep her as a companion and…and I couldn't deny that the thought of her being with someone else when she had me to take care of her really started to make me feel uncomfortable. And angry. There was absolutely nobody in this village or even the entire kingdom that was worthy of her, that was why her brother only introduced her to me. And Yeon was an intellectual rather than a materialistic woman, and there was nobody in her class that could afford to educate her, never mind allowing a woman to read and write at all. And even if Yeon hated me for the rest of her life I would always have her besides me, where she would surely in time forgive me, and would hopefully give us both a fresh new start and a brand new future to look forward to. I knew she wasn't one to pass time just by being a housewife. If she wanted to be educated, I would work to support that, and if she wanted to take up work…well I wouldn't be too enthusiastic about it, but if that was what she wanted to do, I would only allow it if she worked under me. Now that she was free of her epilepsy, I knew that she would want to make the most of her time and intelligence, but there was no way that I would allow her to work for somebody that I didn't know…in fact I didn't want her working with anyone else at all, and I'm pretty sure that I had her brother's support on that, no matter how strained our relationship was at the moment.

I still had all of these thoughts going through my mind that I didn't even notice that the Lady Min of all people had actually followed me well out of the village with a furious look on her face. I hadn't seen her for a while since the day my father announced her crimes against me in the King's court in front of her entire family and she was left humiliated. And apparently her sister got so angry with her that she had publicly disowned her in front of her husband's harem, her family and everyone else who was in their residence at the time. But before I could fully process her presence, she had actually barged her way past me and grabbed the hair of the nearest prostitute that was standing next to me with her arm wrapped around mine. I hadn't even noticed that but I couldn't say anything either as she actually…wrestled this girl to the ground before she started slapping her aggressively and even started pulling out chunks of this woman's hair before I started pulling her off and trying to push her out of the door. This crazy bitch actually had the nerve to slap me before confronting me as if she was my wife. I could only laugh myself silly at this situation; I couldn't stand the girl who was obsessed with me and she was acting like the woman I wanted to be by my side, who probably hadn't even noticed that I wasn't home at all. I kept laughing until I collapsed to the ground, and I finally decided to humour her, god knows I needed at distraction right about now. "Just what the hell are you laughing at? You actually have the nerve to be caught in a place like this and you're laughing at me? After everything I have done for you, you dare to be unfaithful to me?!" "Are you out of your senses? How am I being unfaithful to a person I had no ties with at all?" And with that, I tried to walk away but she stepped out in front of me, and started clinging onto me in full view of everyone that was outside "are you being serious right now? You know that I only came home just for you when I could have carried on with my travels. I missed you and I want us to finally get married."

My jaw hit the floor and I started to laugh, thinking about all the tricks she would pull in my home when she visited, which was almost every single week. She took over the kitchen a few days ago and surprised us all with a 'home cooked meal' which tasted more rancid than anything I had ever tried, even in the Liadong war. The next day I got sent mismatched and badly sewn clothes with an entirely new scent that I'm pretty sure she had invented herself. Even before Yeon's memory loss she wasn't this bad, in fact she still hadn't done anything like this at all. I could only roll my eyes at this and it honestly made things awkward between myself and Yeon, whom Lady Min was continuously trying to meet after the tea incident. I had no choice but to lock up Yeon myself in case this crazy bitch did something horrible to her. Just like her sister, Lady Min had a reputation of being an extremely jealous woman and had been known 'to deal' with maids to tried to pass themselves at her father or brother; some ended up fired, poisoned, barren or even dead. But what bothered me more than anything was the fact that Yeon didn't even bother pleading for her freedom, or for me to show her mercy…she didn't even look at me as I had to not only lock her doors but I also threw in someone guards to protect her. She didn't wish me good luck on my travels like she used to, or pack up some food and clothes for me….she didn't say anything to me at all.