Chapter 251: Longing (Galmang)

I told the guards that I had the Young Master's permission to leave the residence for a while and that he himself would accompany me in a few minutes so they wouldn't interrogate me and just let me go. I had that spoil witch's hand print wrapped around my throat and silent tears falling down my face as I made my way around the village, starting with the market place. Walked around all the stalls that my bother would usually

take me around with Seon-Ho for years; I saw the book stall that they would alway tease me about endlessly as I tried 100 ways to get there without my bother pulling me back. I saw the stalls that the men would usually hover around whilst I went my own way for a while. I looked over my shoulder and I saw the ghost of my brother looking over my shoulder and telling me that he would make me all these accessory pieces himself back when he wore as a blacksmith only a few years ago. He took such good care of me…and he had my father's eyes. He remembered how my father brought me up and I couldn't be more grateful that he wasn't like other older brothers who sold off their siblings for bread or into slavery to make a living or take advantage of them themselves. My brother adored me and I loved and missed him so much that I wanted to find him right now and just hold onto him and not let go…just like how I used to throw myself at my father whenever he came home from work and I refused to be put down for the rest of the day. I used to wrap myself around him all day long and I would only let go of him when he needed tending to, like washing his face and hanging up his clothes when he bathed son his return…I even used to feed him myself. I took care of him like this after our other died and I took care of my brother the same way since he had inherited our father's work ethic.

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I was beginning to loose my damned mind ever since she walked out of the accomodation, and I could not even go after her in case my father found out and did something to her. All I could do was wait in my study as I had Da-In crying victim in my office waiting to get her revenge on Yeon. It was a miracle that I was able to stop her from running to her father by pacifying her that I would keep her happy tomorrow. Once again I was being pulled into 100 different directions at once and the one person who helped me kept my sanity was nowhere to be found at all. But she was gone for almost an hour and I couldn't take it anymore, so I had so no choice but to send servants to scour the village for her. I was getting more angry as the minutes rolled by and I had to have a couple of drinks to keep me calm and not think of the worst possibilities that could be happening to her right now. She was a calm and subservient girl, so this was so unlike her. What if…what if she had had enough and ran away for good? What if she didn't come back? What if I had driven away the one person who took care of me and accepted me despite everything I was forced to put her through just so I could save her life? What if she hated me because I couldn't protect her more against my father and this delusional witch who just couldn't get the hint and wouldn't just leave us be. It was like the world was conspiring against myself and the siblings that swore to protect when they took me in as one of their own.

"Where is she!" I shouted at the servants who I knew were still mistreating her under my nose. "If you haven't found her then why did you all bother to come back here!" I threw my glass against the wall opposite them in anger since I couldn't get drunk quick enough for some reason. I had Da-In begging me to calm down and ease my anger but all I did was push her onto the ground and I blamed her for Yeon running away as harshly as I could without tearing her apart myself with my own hands. I was thrown back into my dark place al of a sudden and it felt like everything Yeon had done for me had disappeared with her and I was once again the person…monster who could do anything to get what he wanted…and as much as I tried to fight it, distance myself from it, bury myself in work…what I now wanted was Yeon by my side…for the rest of my life.

But before I could even think about doing anything else I had a servant finally tell me that Yeon had come back and that she was safe and sound. I almost collapsed back into my seat, almost shocked by the fact that she really hadn't run away at all. I sat down and I waited for her to come to me and explain herself. And I waited, and I waited, but she still hadn't shown herself at all. This time I didn't hesitate to storm out my room, despite the scene I was causing and I almost ran to find her…conversing with the servant that she had gotten close to of all people instead of explaining herself to me.

I had been through a lot in my 20 years of life, and because of the singular fact that I had been born out of wedlock, I had no choice but to let a lot of people walk over me and hurt me. But when it came to the Seo's that pain cut a lot deeper, especially since it was rare for us to hurt each other at all, so I stayed quiet. But when it came to her…I know it was monstrous of me but I had no problem at all torturing her…because I knew that she would understand my pain…because could never express myself. I was silenced everywhere that I went and no one wanted to hear my voice…but not her…she was different…

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I was just talking to the servant who was completely out of breathe looking for me. Apparently, I had missed the great spectacle that Seon-Ho had displayed since the moment he found out that I was missing and all I could do was tune out there servant who was telling me. I was growing numb with each sentence as I was being torn between the two men who had taken care of me my whole life. One was being emotional blackmailed into keeping me alive and the other was struggling for survival on a daily basis just to get close to me. I was so lost in my thought I didn't even notice the servant's look on horror on their faces until they had stopped talking midway and I turned around to see Seon-Ho soaked in the rain just as I was with a very harsh look on his face…and once again I was a prey to his stare. His eyes were practically screaming for help and love…and I suddenly felt momentarily overwhelmed. Just what the hell was I supposed to do? How was I going to keep living like this and for how long? I wrapped my hand around my throat, pretending that I was still hurt by what his fiancé did and I used it as an excuse to walk around him and retreat to my room but he wasn't having it. Before I could even turn around he gave the order out of nowhere for the servant to be whipped for no reason as all! I could only look in horror as I tried to make my way towards him but Seon-Ho actually grabbed me by my waist openly and had his arms pressed down against mine so I couldn't move. I screamed and I begged him to stop but he wouldn't listen until he was satisfied and then he dragged me into my quarters and threw me inside.

In our nation, women had the same clothes with the same layers; long flair trousers that were covered by really big skirts and a thin top that was covered by 2 layers of jackets…and I still wasn't used to it after all this time. I wore unattractive rags for a decade but at least it didn't consist of so many layers and my clothes were not fitted to the point where I was almost suffocating…so I didn't bother to wear trousers at all. And I was lucky enough not to get punished in my work on my legs, otherwise my double life would have been exposed and I wasn't ready yet. So when he threw me onto the floor, my legs were completely bare and exposed to him, which completely went against our laws. If a man so much as touched a woman accidentally or if they were seen together, it would cause scandal and it would be grounds for marriage to recover the women's honour. But the minute he saw my legs, his expression and demeanour completely changed. I knew that he generally stayed away from the opposite sex…and I knew why but when he saw my legs, he looked as if he finally registers that I had grown up and was now a woman.

He edged towards me silently like a man possessed and he knelt to my level on the floor…and he grabbed my arm so violently that I fell into his embrace and I was kept there. He…Seon-Ho, he…his nose in my hair whilst I had one hand wrapped around my arms again so I couldn't move. His other hand…he traced my arms until he intertwined my his fingers into mine. It was such an intimate act that I had no idea how to react…until I felt his tears falling into my hands. I distinctly turned around and I just gave him the biggest hug I cold muster since he was so much bigger than me. His shoulders and chest were so wide I could only wrap my arms around his neck as he laid his head into mind and just sat there for a while when it continued to rain outside. I was so engrossed in making sure that he was ok that I didn't even realise that I was sitting on his lap, and he wasn't letting me go. He had his other arm wrapped around me…and then the other hand rubbing my legs under my skirt.

"Where did you go? Who did you meet? Did anyone hurt you?" "Where do you go in the palace? Who do you meet? Does anyone hurt you? Can't you just take off some time to think about what you are doing? You can travel, meet new people and gain a brand new perspective of things instead of everything you have been brainwashed to believe? I refuse to believe the rumours that are circling the village that you have become as cruel as your father is! You have so much good in you that I know you can help the people as much as possible. You know the palace and the officials, so you know who is good and who is corrupt. Please, leave this place and your father as soon as you can to start a new life to carry out your goals and promises." I had my eyes closes this entire time so I could bare these words to him, but when I opened my eyes, I saw him looking at me with such…sincerity that I couldn't help but to hold onto him as much as I could. "I…cannot leave you here alone with my father." "You do not need to worry about me, please just…" it was at this point that he just held onto me a lot harder than he had ever done before…and I just let it happen. I could feel his might under his fingertips and in that moment truly could not help myself but to…trace him, all of him with my hands that were shaking from the moment that I did so. I wanted…despite the sufferings of my brother and how badly I missed him…but in this moment I just wanted Seon-Ho. May god forgive me, but all I wanted to do was to have Seon-Ho hold me forever whilst my brother came to us. I had been suffering such an emotional torment that I could barley eat anymore, all I wanted was the ground to swallow me up with the guilt that was festering in my mind…but being swallowed up in Seon-Ho's arms did not sound too bad either. Maybe this way we would both drown in the underworld forever together for what we were doing to my innocent brother. And I was close, believe me I was so close to giving him what he so desperately wanted as he was showing me by how…intense our breathing had become. But this was not the right time by far, and I could not rob him of his future for my…desires and feelings.

"You should leave my lord, I am serious. Get out and do not set foot again in this room." "You fucking tease…you cannot stop now…" "Leave! Now!" I had never seen him so flustered before and angry before, but it was enough for him to suddenly turn on me and catch my face in the palm of his hands and bring it close to him "I swear to you if you do not tell me what aggrieves you then I will do everything in my power to find out what disturbs your peace just like mine is also being tested right now. Now, come over here." I had no choice but to obey him and he knew it, and he was really enjoying the power that he had over me this time. "What…do you want?" "From now on, I expect to see you in my study every single day to transcribe some Buddhist texts about sins after tomorrow, it may do you some good." He replied quietly after a long moment of silence before he left the room. And all I could do was to collapse onto the ground and cry silently in the face of the hypocrisy I was almost drowning in. He wanted to punish me for lying? Then what about what he was doing to me? But more importantly, now more than ever I had to stay away from him, because clearly it wasn't only my heart that wanted him. I had to almost run to the baths and submerge myself as I tried with all of my might to cool my body down in the heat that was almost suffocating it from just merely touching him before I tended to him.