Chapter 252: Guilt (Joe)

I felt Seon-Ho's eyes following me everywhere I went, and his hands went everywhere as well without any sense of shame. The amount of times I found myself blushing when he took my hand so openly was more than I could count on both hands. I was so entirely surprised that the hothead that I grew up with turned out to be…a passionate romantic…an idealistic lover that young girls like myself could only dream of having. He was a man that was true to his word, he knew how to treat a lady…for a man who was abandoned neglected at tortured for his entire life he could be surprisingly gentle…when he wanted to be that was. I knew that him being…forceful and making empty threats were in his nature but there were also times were he was just…everything that I had ever imaged him to be. His kisses were surprisingly tender after a while, as was his touch. Sometimes he just held onto me without any reason at all but most times….I could tell that he was holding back on his…desires and he was suffering greatly for it. In fact…the truth was that it was not him alone that was suffering for it. My goodness I had almost become an animal myself that could not control myself when I was in bed. Even when I was 'keeping my distance' I could not for the life of my help myself from watching him every second that I could…including the times that he…undressed himself for bathing or sleeping. And it was those memories that haunted my every waking…and sleeping moment but it was also a memory that I would keep with me forever now that I had to let go of him sooner or later for my brother's sake. These past few months had been nothing short of a dream for me when it concerned him but I had to help my brother before he found himself dead either by Nam-Jeon's blade or the prince's.

I was still lost in my thoughts when I heard someone running up to my door at full speed despite all of the guards shouting and threats…and then nothing. Then I heard some more screams…and then nothing again. And then out of nowhere a foot had kicked itself through my doors before being torn apart with are bloody hands before Seon-Ho made his way through the room like a madman who had lost al sense and reason as he practically launched himself at me. "Yeon!…Yeon…" "What is it? What has happened to you? Why are you hurting yourself…I…." "Why would you say that?" "What…" "Why would you ask to leave my home? Why? Has something happened? Has someone made you unhappy? Why do you keep all of these secrets from me? Why do you pull away when I finally feel for you what you have always felt for me? Why are you not happy…" "Because of my memories! Because…because I am living with a man that I…am falling for so badly…but he refuses to give me my memories back. And you never will, will you? I am an orphaned, poor and epileptic which is not even recognised as being a woman in terms of Confucius laws at all. We are both from different classes even if you are not legitimate so I would never be welcome in your class. You will be tormented for the rest of your life for taking me on even as a concubine. And I will not have it, I will never become a burden on you and I will never let anyone hurt you because of me. So I must leave…" "You will leave? You have decided? And with who? That goddamned servant that you always follow around?" "Because you have kept me at such a distance when I first arrived here! You dressed me up in these stupid clothing and then you abandoned me all on my own! When I had just lost all of my memories about my entire life! What did you expect me to do? Wait for you to one day throw a glance at me? The nobleman and the poor orphaned he saved and working with my enemy who put me in the place that you are angry about!"

The silence that followed was deafening as he looked so…tormented even though I was the one who was about to loose my mind with all of these secrets that I was holding inside of me. "I…you know that I had no choice…" "Yes I know that, and you never will as long as you bound yourself to your ambitions that clash with my life's work! I am aware of your plans but let us both wake up to reality now; you will never free yourself of this hatred you have that is eating you up on the inside. You have every right to feel how you feel, but you do not have the right to drag it out for so long that you start to bare even more mistreatment just so you can wait for the right time to get your revenge. You have put your life on hold for such a long time that you are completely ignorant to all of the there options you have like moving on temporarily to build us your own success until the right time that you can stroke back! And I know that your father has knocked out all of your confidence over the years but you are really so much more capable than you think! You can just leave this home and your position in the palace and start setting your mind on the goals that you wish to achieve. You can live amongst the people and really figure out their needs, what they lack and help them before you return to the palace. You can do all of these things on your own and build yourself up from under your father's shadow and show the world that these so-called labels and birthrights do not mater! Because everyone of this nation has their own abilities to help build up their country into something much better." I was so lost in my rant that I had no idea how he was reacting so what I had said until I felt him fling his arms around me from behind me with his tears dripping down my neck. "Never…I have never in my entire life been given any support to anything…I…" "you have a future fiance that has fallen in love with you despite the obnoxious behaviour that can help you achieve everything you want. I can only give you ideas…" I was still talking when he spun me around in his arms so fast that I almost fell if he ad not caught me. He was intoxicated and crying…he was so sad and touched at the same time that the look on his face instantly took me back to the time where Hwi introduced him to me and I accepted him as being my brother's friend. He was standing so close to me and he was just so big and so vulnerable…I could feel his breathe on my neck that was completely melting me on the inside to the point where I…I lost control. Of my mind, of my body, of my heart and before I knew it, I was the one who was pulling him into my embrace as I kissed him like I had never kissed anyone. From the moment that my lips found his, he really wrapped his arms around me as we both fell onto the floor. We had kissed before but this…it was like we were both set alight with something that was so hard to fight at this point that it was almost futile. I had never restrained myself from something so much in my entire life, and right now I just longed to hold onto Seon-Ho until he could truly pick himself up and take care of himself for at least a while, if he chose to take me back after everything I was about to do for my brother, that was.

"You can really do so much by yourself, you do not need to tolerate any abuse from anyone else. And I am no longer a child. I can take care of myself." "You do not know what my father is like…" "Seon-Ho…come over here. You need to calm down and relax, I cannot talk to you like this. Sit down, come."

The poor thing was so shaken that I instinctively went into sister mode as I tended to his bruises whilst I brewed his favourite tea. All he could do was to hold onto me whilst he calmed down as I wiped away all of the blood. "Where did all of this blood come from? And why aren't the guards outside interfering like they always do?" "I killed them." "…excuse me? Why did you do that for?" "Because I couldn't get to you." "When did you last eat?" "This morning." "Are you hungry now?" "Do you know that you are the only who who ever asks me that? Am I hungry, am I cold or too hot, do I have enough close to wear, do I need nothing before I sleep? Nobody has ever asked me those questions since I came here." "Your mother must have asked you these questions as her child right?" "Mother…she asked but…she…" "Seon-Ho, you need to realise something that not a lot of people know. Not everybody in this world is cut out to become a parent or even a good one. Just because everyone has children it does not mean that everyone knows what to do, especially without support. Your mother had no family and despite her having her own quarts here, you know that your father ignored here and most likely the servants as well. Your mother had no support and no help so you cannot blame her for not raising you the way that you wanted. She is not entirely blameless, so do not blame her for everything that has gone wrong in your life. She is dead and free from the torment that this life put her in, so let her rest in peace….what is it?" "I've never…heard anyone defend her before. You make her sound…human…despite her being…" "Despite the humiliating labels and expectations that the men of this world put on a slave girl who has no choice but to accept it. No person in this world let alone a woman dreams about being a slave or a concubine. They all wish for a loving husband and a secure marriage to bring honour to their families and…and…" I had been doing such a good job of keeping my own problems at bay for over a decade but whenever I was around Seon-Ho and especially now I was completely vulnerable around him. For the first time in my life I could not stop my tears from falling down my face before he could see it. "Yeon? What is the matter? Why are you…" "It is nothing." "Marriage, that is what you were talking about…" "I was taking of parenting and not marriage.." "Every girl needs a secure marriage to have a secure life because women have never had their own rights to do anything but finding the right suitor in marriage…" "Stop it…" "Yeon why have you never brought up marriage with me?" "Why would I when you are already…" "Yeon, you have always like me…no, you have always been in love with me. And I was the fool for not recognising this earlier, I have no excuse for that. But…"

"But nothing. I am an epileptic orphan who will never force herself on anyone to marry, so I shall never marry, not even as a concubine. I will not embarrass anyone with my fits and I will most certainly never…bare children if it means that will inherit my disorder. Never. I cannot…"

For the first time in my life I spoke about my burden and fears that I had about my own life. For centuries now all around the world women were always inferior to men and could only survive through marriage…every woman in the the world expect myself and others like me. Very rarely could girls who were orphaned and penniless find a suitable match but as for my epilepsy? It was out of the question and I knew that from the moment that I had my first fit. Courting, marriage, children, a home… I knew that I would never be able to enjoy any of those…luxuries that women were allowed to live through.