Chapter 4

On the day of your birthday, back at the field filled with maple. I was there, searching for you. With flowers in my hand and a letter in the other. I saw you along the falling leaves, making me call out your name. Yet you did not turn. As I walk closer to you, I saw something that you never wanted me to see. I dropped the flowers, and I gripped the letter, destroying it. My eyes were as wide as an owl, and my chest was tight as a drum. For I saw you, standing still in an open space. But you were not alone. Your feet were at their tip, as I saw your head in front of somebody else's. The sound of lips rang clear in my ears, and it was him. Jared… and you, deeply kissing as both your hands explored your bodies. You were not stopping, you loved it. And I got to seat in the front seat. I couldn't do anything to stop it, so I ran away. Tears fell from my cheek as I arrived at the bathroom, staring at the mirror before I place my fist at its center. Blood dripped from my fists as I slowly sat against the wall, screaming my lungs out. That was the last memory and my first torment.

"… I know everything, Ingrid," I said glaring at her with flared eyebrows, standing still beside the fire.

"Why did you have to bring Jared into this? This is about you and me!" she declared, waving her hands as she angrily argues, "I didn't have control over it, Jared forced me!"

"… And you're denying it? How dare you…"

"Please listen to me, Mika!" She cried, stepping closer to me, "All I want is you, I don't need anyone else. If you could believe for just one second…"

"Just stop — please Ingrid, just stop!" I turn around, pacing steps away from her.

"Why are you making this hard!" She grabbed my arm, forcing me to turn back around, "Tell me, why don't you believe me?!"

"You said you were always going to wait for me, you swore!"

"I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. The cabin door swung open. The strong wind of the blizzard extinguishes the fire between us, plunging the room into darkness.

Silence flows into the room. My chest pumped heavily as I saw my breath through the air. Ingrid's face widens, her hand on her chest. Her pupils turn small as she couldn't believe it. There are no more words left to say. I turn around, walking away towards the door before going through it. I couldn't take another second inside the cabin — not another with her. I pass through the door, grabbing the knob. I take one last look at her as she stood beside the empty fire behind her, shocked and afraid. But I don't care — not anymore.

"Mika! Please don't leave m-"I shut the door behind me, taking a deep breath before heading back into the storm.

I needed to get away from that place as far away as possible, enduring the brunt of the blizzard. I held my hand over my face as the wind fought against me, dragging my feet through the deep snow. The directions were obscure, and the path blurry; I was blind in the midst of it all. As I took one more step on step, my body fell. Rolling down a snowy hill as I tried my best to recover, but the speed kept rising. I couldn't stop. And after a moment, all I saw was darkness.

Then a light appeared in the middle of the dark, I reach my hand out towards it. But as I clasped my hands around it, the light disappeared; but a figure passed by me. I quickly turn my body, trying to see who it was.

"… Ingrid?" I saw her face walking towards me. Did she follow me?

I took one step backward as she got closer, stopping in front of me, "… How did you?'

At first, she didn't speak; she only stared into my eyes silently. But it held an unknown cold. I couldn't move, not even an inch as we stayed still. I glanced at her eyes, and they moved; lowering down at my chest.

"Is there… something wrong?" I lowered my eyes as well, towards my heart. I got down on my knees suddenly, moving my hands towards my heart as I panted in a silent voice. A dagger was plunged deep through my chest, but somehow, I couldn't feel anything. I lifted my eyes to look back at Ingrid, and she stared me down.

"… I'm not her." Ingrid said, her voice not quite as soft as before, "I'm the image inside your head — well, used to be."

"What do you mean?" I said confused, my eyes baffled.

"Look around you."

I slowly turn my head away from her to look, and to my disbelief, I was back on campus. In the middle of the plaza under the light of the sun. The blizzard and snow were nowhere to be found, "How… How is this possible?"

"That is the last thing you should worry about." The figure of Ingrid said, going down on her knees to level with me, "Look behind you."

I turn my eyes around to look behind me. It was me, and another Ingrid. It was another memory. Ingrid and I were sitting on a picnic mat on the grass, eating snacks and drinking coke as she lay on my shoulder.

"Thank you for being with me, "Ingrid said sweetly, caressing my hand before holding it."

"Don't mention it, I would never get tired of spending time with you," I said, placing my chin on her head as it lay down, "But… have you decided to answer me yet? About becoming more?"

"I have, but…" She took her head off my shoulder, looking towards the east, "I'm still afraid of what would happen… you know my past, and you know more than anyone else how love gave me trauma." she said, a deep sadness in her voice, but I moved my hand to hold hers.

"Take your time, I'm not in a hurry," I said softly as I rubbed her palm, "I will wait for you… no matter how long it takes — I will always choose you."

She turned her gaze towards me, slowly uttering a smile on her face as she moved closer to my face. She kissed my cheek. And I could see myself blushing.

"Thank you…" She said softly in my ear, I could remember every breath and every feeling that coursed through me back then; but now, it held a different meaning.

My attention went back toward me, and the figure of Ingrid beside me. I lowered my head towards the grass, averting my gaze from the view, "That feeling… it has come back again, hasn't it," said the figure sitting beside me

"…What feeling?" I ask, looking toward her.

"Love… you know better than anyone else how that feels, no matter how fake it could be," she said bluntly, making me tongue-tied, "She felt like home to you, and you held on even after everything you've been through because of her. And only now, you decided to stop, but is it true?"

"It is! I don't love her anymore," I argued loudly.

"… If it was true, you wouldn't have that dagger inside your heart," she replied, making me look down at my heart where the dagger was plunged.

"Don't you remember? That memory was made after you found out, and despite the pain, you still loved her and cared for her," she explained, and I couldn't speak back.

"You are stubborn, and you're proud of it; even if it means you mean you'll drown in her deceit." She pointed at my heart, having me listen, "Her so-called love is the dagger embedded through your chest, and it is there because you are still afraid of what would happen if you lose your feelings for her."

"And so, I give you a choice." She stands up, stepping in front of me, "Let that dagger stay and suffer the pain in the hopes that she would change for you — in the hopes that she would be the one to take it out and heal you."

"Or… grab that dagger with both of your hands and take it out yourself. It would hurt like wildfire, but you would heal on your own, giving you a new beginning — but it is your choice, I suggest you choose wisely."

I look back at the dagger in my chest before I closed my eyes, contemplating inside my head. Every memory, both happy and painful rushed through my head. Every sap of feeling bolted in my heart, weighing everything down. All the moments she made with me; all the kisses she gave me… and all the pain she forced upon me rang deep in my core. I know what I must do.

I place both my hands on the dagger, taking a deep breath. I pulled as hard as I could. A stinging pain engulfed my body, making me scream as I pull the dagger. The scenery around me began to disappear, along with the figure of Ingrid that stood in front of me. I gripped harder as I pull, my veins popping out of my skin. As I take one last tug, my eyes open. Snow entered my vision once again.

I stood up quickly, paving away the snow that covered me after I fell. Slowly standing as I shake uncontrollably because of the cold. I held my hands closer to one another to warm myself, but I took a glance at my chest before I did. The dagger was gone; it was never there. I walked slowly through the thin snow, gripping my coat tightly around me. The blizzard had ended, and a light shined atop a peak. I drag my feet towards it, climbing the mountain as I originally intended.

I reach the top. I could see the sun shining at a distance, slowly coming out of the darkened clouds. I survived. My hand reached to grasp it, and a warmth passed by me. I Endured a blizzard, of both storm and her, and came out a new man.

The snow has fallen, the light has come,

Winter has ended, and so tomorrow I welcome,

A new day of a new year and new memories to hold dear,

For the past has gone by, and the present is here,