Chapter 10: Don't you miss sex?
“Honey, it has been way too long since you’ve had a date.”
Autumn turned towards Ian. “What do you mean?”
He leaned over the table so she could hear him whisper. “A man that sexy walks by, within licking distance, and you don’t even glance at his finely sculpted Adonis form.”
She looked at the man who had walked past. He was attractive. But not her type. “So what?”
Ian laughed. “So you’re not even horny anymore. And girl, that’s a bad thing.”
“I’m still horny.”
“Yeah? Do you miss sex?”
She shrugged.
Ian threw his hands in the air. “Lord help us,” he said. “You need a date.”
Autumn sighed. He was right. She did need a date. But not why he thought she needed one. “It’s not all about sex, you know,” she said.
He smiled. “Oh, I know. Sometimes, it’s about getting presents.”
She glared at him, but he was right. And that was the worst part. “You’re so materialistic.”
“Don’t take that holier than thou attitude with me, sweetheart.” Ian leaned back and took a sip of his drink. “You know you miss the materialistic parts of dating as much as the sex. Maybe more.”
“Shut up.”
Ian got serious. “Really. What is it you miss most?”
Autumn sighed again. She didn’t want to say it. “Don’t worry about it,” she said.
He laughed. “Come on, you can tell me.”
She scrunched her face up. This would be so much easier to admit if there wasn’t another person there. She shook her head.
“It’s the dates themselves, isn’t it?”
It was like he was reading her mind. Almost. She nodded.
“What do you miss?”
“I miss being taken out,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“I miss the guy paying for dinner or for a movie.”
“So it is materialistic?”
“No, it’s more than that.” She sighed and downed her drink. “I miss snuggling into someone’s arms. I miss being handed a coat when I’m cold.” She missed all the stupid bullshit gentlemen-type things that every feminist urge in her insisted wasn’t worth missing. That’s what she missed.
Ian nodded. “I miss that too.”
It was getting bad. And now, with Steven in her life for the next three months, she couldn’t really get a date anyway. What guy would be willing to go out with her when she had no hair? What guy would be willing to believe that Steven was a business associate, a job, and nothing more? She couldn’t even see herself, but she knew she was fawning over him.
Ian is never one to let a silence go on for too long. “So tell me about this Steven guy,” he said.
She knew how he made her feel. It bothered her; it brought back the whole horny thing, but there was nothing she could do. “He’s okay. Nothing special.” The lie sounded so empty to her. She knew she had put both elbows on the table and rested her chin on her hands, eyes wide and sparkling while he talked about all the amazing things he’d done in his life. She knew how much she had blushed in that first meeting. She could have cooked eggs on her cheeks, they were so hot.
Ian laughed. “You’re hot for him,” he said.
“What?” She tried to sound offended.
It just made Ian laugh louder. “You’re totally in love with him, aren’t you?”
She shrugged. “He is hot,” she said.
No guy would believe there was nothing between them.
“Just hot?”
“He’s done so much with his life. He’s incredible.”
Ian nodded like he knew the type. “Been there, done that, looking to settle down? Or do you think he’s a wild stallion that you want to try to tame.”
Autumn looked at him. “Tame?”
“Smell of leather, sting of a whip.”
She wanted to tell him she wasn’t into that kind of thing, that it held no interest for her. But he’d read Judgment and Perversion. Him and about two dozen other people. Ian knew better.
“I can’t date him,” she said.
“Why not?”
“Because he’s my job. I work for him.”
“So he’s the boss? That’s hot.”
“No. He’s my student.”
“Student-teacher.” Ian nodded his head, smiling like a jackass. “Even better. Any other roles you want to go through?”
She leaned over and swatted at him across the table. “Come on, I’m serious.”
“So am I.” No he wasn’t. “You could totally date him. Why not?”
Because she didn’t know if he liked her. “I just can’t.”
“Sure you can.”
For all she knew, he wasn’t interested in her at all. She was too plain, or too freaky, for him. “No,” she said.
Ian shook it off the way he shakes off everything. “Okay,” he said. “Then we’ll find you another guy.”
“I’m not sure that’s going to work either.”
“Why not?” He smirked at her. “Are you planning on switching teams?”
She shook her head. “No,” she said. “No.” It’s not that she hadn’t thought about it before; quite the opposite. Autumn has the very vivid memory of trying to be with a woman, and of being terrified and disgusted when they tried to get particularly active. She has thought about it, she has even tried it. But it is not for her.
Ian laughs. He remembers consoling her afterward. “Then why not?”
“Because,” she said.
Because any man in the world would know she had a crush on Steve. Even Derek had been perceptive enough to pick up on those hints. Even if Steve felt nothing for her, Autumn knew no guy would feel secure enough to date her while he was in her life. As long as she felt the way she did about Steve, she knew no guy would be able to trust her.
“Because why?”
She sighed. “It’s complicated.”