Dhanusshi_Sinha

After a long tiring day, Zoya came home exhausted, not only physically but also mentally. She dragged herself to her kitchen and rummaged through the cabinets and took out a wine glass as well as the wine bottle. After collecting the items, she stumbled to her balcony which was illuminated slightly by the setting rays of the sun. The scene before her eyes was so beautiful and peaceful, unlike her mind. The setting sun coloured the sky saffron and the rays peeped through the buildings. The evening breeze was cold. Looking out made her think;
She was done with trying to figure out who was with her, against her, or walking down the middle because they didn't have the guts to pick a side. She was done with anything that didn't bring her peace. She realised that opinions were a dime a dozen, validation was for parking, and loyalty wasn't a word but lifestyle. It was this day that her life changed and not because of a man or a job but because she realized that life is way too short to leave the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket
As she has done her entire life and now, she is reminiscing about her rollercoaster of a life and came up with a brilliant idea to write it down. It can be the most wonderful idea or the biggest disaster that has ever come to her mind.

Long Way To Myself

Last year was still stressful with Amma's (grandmother) operation and the lockdown, but, after the lockdown was eased, Masi had to return to Delhi. I was getting bored staying at home. So Masi suggested that I needed to move away from home, at least for some time.


Fun fact, staying with your aunts is much more fun and liberating than staying at home with your parents. This time, I decided that I was going to meet new people and explore on my own. For the first three days, I was with my family. On the third day, I decided to do to a coffee shop to sit alone and read a book. It was a Tuesday, and my aunt was working on a hybrid model, so she had to go to work. So, I asked her to drop me at the location while going to work. it was a small and cute coffee shop. I chose the seat near the back where it was quiet as I wanted to read my book, I was reading the private down under by James Patterson at the time, it is a thriller novel and is still one of my favourites. I ordered a hot chocolate at the counter and sat down to read the book. even though I had my book in hand, my mind was somewhere else.


Anybody who has gone through depression would tell you that it is not just something in your mind but something you feel in your body as much as it is in your head, it is also in your stomach. Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It is the fear of failure but no urge to be productive.it is wanting friends but hates socializing.it is wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It feeling everything at once and then feeling paralyzing numb. this is a picture of what anxiety and depression at times feels like. Yet what I am learning more and more in life is that it is fear that causes anxiety. What I have learned in these moments of anxiety is that I have to stop listening to myself and I have to start talking to myself.


Fear and sadness weren't the only emotions I felt at the time. I got very aggressive and moody. I did seek a therapist to deal with everything which was like an open wound. During one of the sessions, my therapist told me "Anger is the part of yourself that loves you the most. It knows when you are being mistreated, neglected, or disrespected. It signals that you have to take a step out of a place that doesn't do you justice. It makes you aware that you need to leave a room, a job, a relationship, and old patterns that don't work for you anymore. Learn to listen to your anger and make it your best friend." And that stuck with me forever


I confuse a lot of people. I have a sad soul and a happy personality. I can go from feeling terribly insecure to incredibly confident. I love hard but at times feel heatless. I am outgoing but prefer to be alone. I am healing and hurting at the same time. 


I realised this after a long time; he was a storm and storms devastate, but every time he hurt me, I held my breath and bear the hurricane; repeating to myself, one more chance, one more breath, just one more and I'll fix him. Until one day, I couldn't hold my breath anymore and it was half a stormy evening, one tear-stained night, two and five seconds away from breaking down. And I realised, I cannot fix anyone, not until I fix myself.


Will I ever be able to get over my fears? Will I ever be able to fix myself?


Chapter 9