Chapter 8: No Excuses Part 4

I would nod, but Yrelia has started doing… something with my hair. Tugging and twisting. So I try to avoid moving too much and simply take up the quill and start. It's weird to read and write this way, but I manage. Jevita's handwriting is weirdly sloppy, a sort of jagged wiggly take that I struggle to read, so I just use the old book and translate the first sentence out beneath it. After double checking my work is flawless, I turn it back to Jevita.

She takes a second to read over my words, looks back at the old book, then frowns. "Did you change my writing?"

"No? I just translated the first stanza beneath it." I twiddle the quill in my fingers, "I'm… I'm sorry but your handwriting was hard to read. So I just used the book. Was that wrong?"

She turns the notebook back to me. "What does my line say?"

I look down to read it out loud, trying my best to make out her handwriting, but it's gibberish. "I… don't know? Did you copy it from the book? I thought–"

Her face screws up, and she turns to Tasii, "Can you come check something?"

Tasii was already beginning to rise to move over to help Yrelia, and almost trips at the request.

She changes direction and walks over. "What is it?"

Jevita points to a word on the page. "Can you copy this onto here please."

Tasii shrugs, takes the quill from my fingers, and does as she is asked. Carefully writing out a few words beneath my line. Jevita nearly snatches the notebook from under the quill and holds it out to me. "What about this?"

I try to read Tasii's writing. It's like Jevita's, Gibberish. "I… can't? They're not the same words."

Jevita then turns back to Tasii, "Do it again, same words."

Tasii, a bit annoyed but trusting, does it. She finishes, then her eyes go wide at the page. "The fuck?"

Jevita nods, her face a mix of annoyance and amazement. Then she takes them both up and pushes them back to me. "Don't translate them this time. Just write down exactly what you see on the page."

I do as asked. Confused. As I do I look at the things Tasii wrote. The two are completely different shapes, and still gibberish. Once I'm done I hand the books back. Yrelia pauses to watch at this point.

"That's Arudian." Tasii says aloud.

There is a pause, then I speak up. "I'm confused. Can you read it or not?"

Tasii and Jevita look to me like I've suddenly caught fire.

Yrelia begins to laugh and continues her tugging and twisting. It bubbles out of her, sometimes causing jerks in her work, but otherwise doesn't seem to stop her.

"Fuck." Tasii lets out suddenly. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

The bottom falls out of my stomach. Confusion at the whirlwind of reactions. Arudian isn't anything too special. Even Sangoma could read and write it. Why are they–

Jevita points to my writing, "That's Arudian common." Then to the old tome, "That, I'm almost certain, is Amwellian. To us they look like different languages entirely."

I look back and forth between them. Trying to recall everything I can about Amwellian language. It's… well basically nothing. I've never come across it except in stories that mention it. Some kind of... Ancient lost language of some warriors of the past.

"But… it's not." I argue. "Are you sure you just can't…" I trail off. Realizing I was about to question if she was sure she couldn't just read a fairly common language. That makes Yrelia giggle harder.

Jevita raises an eyebrow at me.

"Sorry. I'm just really confused right now." I reply quickly. "Your saying the words in the book look like Arudian to me, but not to you?

Tasii levels something between a glare and worry at Yrelia, stifling her mirth. Then she seems to study my face for… something? "No. And apparently the words change. Or make us think they've changed."

"Amwellian is a secret language." Jevita finally adds. "Even after years of careful research by hundreds, if not thousands of brilliant women, only one group can write or read it."

She looks down at the notebook I wrote in, then back to the old tome, then back up to me. "It's rumored to be laced with some kind of magic. Neither Alchemy or Cultivation. But something older."

Yrelia pats me on the head, "I knew there was something special about you! You could have just told us you were a Sun Spoken. We wouldn't have asked so many questions. Well I would have asked more, but Tasii would have totally respected your privacy."

My mind goes blank, not understanding the words.. "No. That can't be right. You're just… I'm not… Sun Spoken can't be…" I trial off before I say the last word.

Male. But I'm not one. I... now I'm really really not sure I ever was, at least not on the inside. The spirit in that sap saw that and changed me. Did she also make me this? No, that's not right. I was already reading the book before she did that!

"We don't know that. She could be lying about being able to read it. Or crazy." Jevita glances between us.

Tasii shakes her head then adds. "She's either the best liar this side of the Weavers Wood, or is so out of her mind she doesn't act crazy. Most likely she didn't know till now."

"I can't be. That doesn't make sense." I wave my hands in odd circles, "Sun Spoken are supposed to be… like…"

I drop my hands. "Special."

Her four purple eyes flash into my mind's eye. Her hatred, her amusement. Yesterday I was less than a person to her.

A pause, this time broken by Kque who has been quietly listening from the other side of the pallet.

"Maybe this book did it." She chimes in, "Maybe that sap you mentioned was from the Weavers Wood? Maybe you became Sun Spoken when it tried to get you too?"

"But… I could read the book before then." I admit.

"Okay. What were you doing in Lyttoral before that all happened?" Jevita leans forward, "You said you liked books, was translating something you did often?"

"It was just a hobby, I–." I cut myself off, then add. "I can't talk about the rest."

"Can't or won't?" Yrelia asks quietly as she continues to work through my hair.

I sigh, "I don't want to lie, and as far as I'm concerned I'm not that person anymore. They're dead."

"You've already lied to us." Tasii settles down in front of me. It's not a question.

"I'm sorry." I try to look down, but Yrelia's work means my head needs to stay still. "It's only been a little. I didn't have anywhere to go, and you were all being so nice, even after I ruined your celebration."

"What did you lie about?" Tasii moves to force me to meet her gaze.

I want to tell them so badly it hurts. Even as I confess to lying and taking advantage of their kindness.

Can't shake my head, so all I can get out is. "I… I can't."

"Are you in trouble with one of the Alchemy Sororitas?"

The question catches me off guard. "I… what?"

"We're not going to hate you for trying to protect yourself. I've been on the bad end of one of their steamweavers before," Kque adds from behind Tasii, "We've seen how they can twist your mind with their brews. If you were pushed into something by them, threatened to keep quiet, we'd understand."

I'm so tempted to lie. To let this be my new past. Fucked over by a nasty Alchemy guild and fleeing their ire.

"No." I can't lie. "I wasn't."

Jevita seems surprised, but Tasii's focus remains steady. "Not a member? Were you working with one at all last night or before?"

"No. I wasn't allowed to learn alchemy, or even join a Sororitas." It just slips out, and I cringe internally.

Tasii just nods, reminding me of someone unraveling a particularly troublesome puzzle.

I pull my legs up to my chest, wrap them in my arms, and press my face between them. Not caring if it messes up Yrelia's work. "Please stop."

Tasii rests a hand on mine, "No, Ina. I'm sorry. This is… Something isn't making sense here. And I'm not comfortable jeopardizing our safety any more than we have."

I look back up to her, "But… I'll translate the book! You can even keep it. Just… please don't…" I trail off. Not wanting to beg. She's right, I'm such a stupid dangerous fuck up.

I crane my neck to look back at Yrelia, hoping she'll help. Hoping she'll get them to just let me quietly travel with them. Suddenly willing to give anything for it. Even this body if she–

She smiles but nods her head toward Tasii, "She's right, and whatever this is, it's tearing you up inside. We won't judge. We'll help. We've come this far with you."

My heart plummets and I sag. Should I just leave? That's what I was planning on doing in the first place. I'm worthless and dangerous to them. They could be in a ton of trouble if the duenna find us and decide they helped me escape.

"You shouldn't have to."

Tasii sighs, but reaches back and takes up my book from Jevita, then holds it out to me.

I just stare at it.

Tasii nods at Yrelia behind me, who I can feel pull back to give me space to rise.

I reach out, hand stopping above the offered tome.

"You've been alone for a long time, haven't you?" Jevita tells me in the silence. "Maybe you've been around people, but that's where we can often be the most alone."

I look at her, and nod. Her eyes drift amidst the little group.

"I know what that's like." Then her eyes move back to me, "It's hard to find people you can trust. Who will accept you and even love you in spite of your bad bits."

I bite my lower lip, holding back tears, and nod.

She smiles at me, such a rare expression from her. "They will."

Not about this. You'll all hate me. You'll see me for the fucked up lying stealing selfish piece of sea trash who isn't worth the air h–

"It was me." I cut off the thought.

Tasii sets the book off to the side, but still between us.

"It was just me last night." I barely get out as a whisper.

Confusion.

"I… I was the breeding male. The book changed me." I fight to say aloud. Instantly regretting it. Stomach churning and muscles beginning to shake as I barrel ahead. "I didn't know what to do. So I lied till I could run."

I bury my head between my knees and squeeze my eyes shut as the tears begin to fall. "There… there was someone in the book, in the sap. I think She was going to kill me. Then she saw my memories and that I wanted to be…"

I swallow, then take a deep breath, and admit the truth aloud for the first time.

"That I'd never wanted to be a male. That I'd always wanted to be a woman. That I was trapped."

Yrelia moves up to sit beside me. "Oh! so you're transgender?"

"I… I don't know what that is." I reply, confused.

"It's… So you were born in a body that didn't match who you are on the inside, right?"

I peek over at her, still expecting… Well not this. Anger and condescension and wanting to drag me back to the city. Not a word. Like… That's exactly what I am. Which means–

"There are other people like me?"

She nods, "Plenty, especially out in Arudia. Though, it's pretty much all transgender males. Men whose bodies were originally female."

"What about. Transgender women. Like me?"

Yrelia looks to Jevita, who shrugs. "Not that I've seen. But it had to happen eventually. Just is less likely with so few born in a male's body. There are only one or two non-transgender men out in Arudia. Most of their breeding males are actually transgender, made fertile with an Odlok gemstone."

"Really?" I look up amongst the group. "People can change their bodies like that?"

"Yup. Pretty often actually. I thought you read a lot?" Yrelia teases, bumping my arm with her's.

Tasii frowns as I nod and wipe at my face before it can stain the clothes given to me, "I… I never told anyone. I don't think any of the men at the temple are like me."

"Lyttoral is… pretty unaccepting of it." Jevita adds. "Peaceful trading and commerce with Arudia has to happen. But they don't let our Academy scholars or anyone with Cultivation marks anywhere near their men."

"Why?" I ask, still reeling from all this.

Jevita shrugs, "Superstition and fear mostly."

She doesn't offer more, but instead moves to stand. Tasii does the same. "We should pack up and move. We still have distance that needs walkin'."

My heart skips, "So I can travel with you? You're… You don't think…" I can't help but hope as I see the calm in their stances and movements.

Tasii and Yrelia both go to speak at once, meet eyes.

"I can tell you're not lying." Tasii says, then turns to help Kque pack the bags.

"Inamatorii." Yrelia moves to sit in front of me, my name causes a happy flutter amidst the whirlwind of emotions. "Are you happy with this body?"

I nod fiercely. "Yes. More than happy. It's perfect!"

She pokes my knee, suddenly serious. The most serious I've ever seen her. "Good. Then that's that. I'm so fucking sorry you were surrounded by people who couldn't see that you weren't happy, didn't let you discover the words to express that, or help you change things. That was really cruel."

I don't even know how to begin to process all this. I'm a jumble of nerves and anxiety.

"They had to. They needed me to–"

"Nope." Yrelia stops me. "Fuck that. No excuses for them. You don't owe them or anyone anything. It's your life. You deserve to live it."

"But–"

"No butts." She moves behind me, "Now, be a good girl and let me finish the rest of the up before we leave. Else you're going to look like a lopsided Quelikita."

Her calling me a 'good girl' sends my heart and mind into a stuttering and tittering mess. Eventually Tasii ends up helping Yrelia while Kque and Jevita finish packing. Their soft but deft hands spin my hair into amazing shapes that I can't wait to see reflected back at me.