Chapter 31: Alone

"Why can't she just be happy for us!?!" I shout into the dream.

It wasn't until we'd passed into sleep that I'd begun to cry. That I'd begun to feel weak as our minds and souls began to drift and separate.

She doesn't reply, just… holds me among her mass of tendrils. I sniff, lean closer into Her everything as a sudden terror begins to rise.

"Will you be there when I wake up?"

We already spent over half our Amwella healing, and maintaining the fusion is… damaging. Most of the healing we're doing is on your mind.

"B… but–"

It needs to be saved for emergencies. And you need to gather more Amwella before we do something like that again.

"Fuck." I whimper. "I… I don't know if I can handle that. Handle them alone."

Everything you see is a response to a fear for you, not of you.

"What if it's not!" I sob. "Wh… what if I fucked up everything!?!"

She pulls me tight. They adore you. Your memories lay that clear.

"Fuck." I choke out. "But that doesn't make sense! I'm nothing special!!!"

She laughs, and I can't stop a very small smile as the warmth of it rolls through me as some of her mirth rolls through the dream to warm me.

You are a treasure, My Challa.

"Th… that's not my name. By the way."

It's what you are to me.

"I don't know what that means?"

You will, in time. For now… Settle your lover's minds. Ensure they do not take us near Arudia and the Zeridii.

"I still think you should be the one to go get Kque." Yrelia's voice drags me from sleep.

Our head… oh fuck it hurts so much!

"You're bigger, more intimidating." She continues, "Less likely to get bothered by–

Softness surrounds me, I clutch at it. Then a sudden wash of emptiness sends a shudder through me, the headache like a gaping wound from the void that should hold my other half.

…I'm alone.

I curl in on myself, cry into the emptiness and pain. Please come back. Can't do this alone. I… I'm so small and bad at all this!

"Fine." Yrelia hisses at Tasii's reply. "But just… don't, like, push her on shit if she wakes up before we're back."

Alone… with Tasii…? Her steady glare of cold observation flashes up through my memories, fear and anxiety cutting through the pain.

No! Can't let Yrelia leave, need to get up. Tasii hated us so much last night. Need to–

It's hard. My body feels fine, almost perfect. But so slow to respond! Sluggishness mixes with early morning things. By the time I shove myself to sitting, open my eyes, and prepare people words to–

Yrelia is gone, and Tasii is just… standing. Staring at the door.

I should lay back down. Pretend to be asleep. Wait for–

She turns, and we lock eyes.

A beat, then her expression shifts and she is nearly running across the room, crawling across the bed, and pulling me into an embrace. I would have jerked back, but my reflexes are just… not available at the moment. So I simply sit in an equal mix of anxiety and fear and confusion.

She shudders as she hugs me. "It's you, right?"

It takes her a moment to pull back, takes my face in her hands to look into my eyes. "Talk to me. Is… Are you–"

"Y…Yes?"

Then she's crying, harder than I've ever seen her do. Harder than I thought anyone other than me could sob. She places kisses across my forehead and hair as she pulls me back into a hug. That cracks the shell, and I start sobbing too. Cling to her with slow weakness. Eventually we separate a little, but arms and hands remain tangled.

"Are you alright?" She whispers.

"I…" My voice sounds… wrong, slow. Almost… muffled. "Head hurts."

She brush fingers across my forehead, her brow furrows. "You're still warm, but… not as much as you were just a few minutes ago."

"Our song will–" Pain makes me wince. I… don't know how that healing magic worked. We did, but… It was a reflex. We hadn't taken the time to consider the how last night. So as I reach for an explanation, for… understanding, I'm met with that gaping void where my other half should be.

Alone.

"Fuck." I whisper as I clasp the sides of my head, stomach turning and roiling. "I… I can't. I think it just needs time. Time to finish. The magic we used. The song."

"That… was mentioned last night." She murmurs, hands pushing hair out of my eyes and caressing my cheek. "Ina, there are no song magics. Unless it's…"

She lets the question hang.

"Sun Spoken things, I think." I lean into her hand, her warmth. Savor the touches of affection as balms to my worry, pain, and anxiety.

"Okay." Her voice is so soft, "Yrelia just went to get Kque. Is there anything I can do to help till she gets here?"

"This." I shudder. "Please… don't stop. Just… please."

She understands, and I can't help but slump into her silent physical affections as they help dull the pain. End up a puddle against her chest, fighting to stop drool from coating her shirt. Her warmth calls to me. The sweet thrumming of her wondrous Amwella pulses and sings such a siren call to my own souls and–

"Tasii?" I murmur.

"Hm?"

"Please fuck me." I sigh into her.

A long pause, a chuckle small and not all joyful, then… "No."

It takes me a moment to… to realize that one of my lovers just… like… refused to fuck me. After I'd specifically asked! They'd delayed before, sure! Moved us to better locations, or wanted showers or food first. That sort of thing. But… never like… just… No.

I don't even… but… what do I even do?!? I reach into the void for the brimming warmth and confidence and just… find–

Alone. Just me. Little, weak, clueless… me.

"Sorry." She doesn't push me away, doesn't stop touching and holding me. "I don't think that would be a good idea. Need to have Kque check you over. Make sure everything is in the right places. Alright?"

No. The rejection just… keeps hurting. Keeps–

Then there is a knock at the door. Solid and harrowing to our silence.

Tasii sighs, murmurs. "What did you forget?"

I squeeze her tighter, hating the idea of… of losing the little warmth and comfort I can take.

"I didn't use the inside lock." Tasii calls out.

I sag a little more in relief. Glad to not lose her comfort and touch at least.

Three more solid knocks.

Tasii pauses, glances back through the darkness.

"Use your key." She calls.

Another pause, then another three knocks. These are even harder than the ones before.

"Did she forget her key?" I whisper.

Tasii tenses, pulls me closer. Then…

"Ina." She whispers. "Wait here please."

Before I can reply she is releasing me, sliding off the bed, moving toward the door.

A few beats pass after she reaches it. "Who's there?"

Another pause.

"I'm here to speak with the Sun Spoken." Comes a rough voice. Deep and husky and–

Cold runs down my spine, and I clutch at the warm covers. I'm… I'm not a Sun Spoken right now. Not without my other half. I'm just–

Tasii glances back at me. In the darkness I can't see her expression. But… to whatever her face is asking I shake my head.

No, I don't know who this is.

No, I don't want to speak with them.

No, don't leave me alone.

She nods.

"Wrong room." Tasii replies, but doesn't move.

A gruff chuckle echoes from behind the door. "No… No I don't think it is. I have business with her."

"It's the middle of the fucking night." Tasii sighs, but I can tell it's all tired anxiety. "Maybe if you wait in the common room downstairs for morning she'll–"

"The thing she killed tonight wasn't alone." The voice interrupts.

That… oh fuck. No. No no no no, I definitely can't fight another one. Not like this. Not alone and small and–

My Amwella stirs though, roils at the idea of more things to–

"Great. Morning would be the time to discuss it."

"Sun Spoken," They speak past Tasii, directly to me. "Meet me downstairs once you gather yourself."

Then heavy footfalls mark their departure. I wait for the distant sounds of someone descending the stairs to breathe again.

"Ina… Why didn't you mention…" Tasii whispers. A hardness back in her voice. "Whoever the fuck that was, last night?"

I shake my head. "We didn't talk to anyone else."

That makes her pause, considering... "Did anyone see you last night? When the… the thing attacked?"

"No… I don't think so." I hiccup. "Not till… till back in the street and coming here."

"Perfect." She hisses, seems to glare at the door. "Just… perfect."

"I'm sorry." I whisper.

"It's not your fault." She murmurs, "Just…"

"What do we do?" I shift, fight to keep a rising panic down as memories of Emarial's morning meeting begin to surface. "Do… Should I go talk to her?"

"Huh?" She glances back at me, "No, absolutely not. Even without seeing her face I know that she's bullshitting us somehow."

"Wh– What?" I stammer, "How? Why would she–"

"Not sure. But…" Tasii moves back to sit on the bed's edge. "I can think of a few, and none of them are good."

I muster the courage to crawl up and sit next to her, even pull the blanket with me to wrap around our shoulders. She welcomes it, wraps an arm around me and pulls me close. Even places a kiss on my forehead.

"What if… What if she won't leave?"

She lets out a long sigh, but doesn't answer. "How's your head?"

I pause, focus on it. "Better, but… still hurts."

She gives me a little squeeze. We sit in silence for a few moments. Soon my eyes adjust to the darkness, and… I can't help but cast about for the–

"Can… Can I have my bone back?"

Tasii pauses, "Um… what?"

"My… the um… The thing you took last night."

A long pause. Tasii pulls me back, clicks fingers. The Everlight in the room pops and sputters to illuminate us.

I can't help but wince as I see her expression. Controlled, flat, focused.

"Two questions." She turns to regard me, "First. Bone? Like… Bone of what? You mentioned you stabbed and killed something, but not where you got the knife."

I look away. "From, like… us. It was one of ours."

She just… waits for me to explain.

"Um… When… before… uh…" My confidence withers. "Nevermind."

"Na uh, nope." Tasii takes my face with both hands and pulls me back to meet her gaze. "You need to explain that. What do you mean from you? From your body?"

"Yeah." I whisper, tap my chest. "When we… merged. The thing was already hurting us. Was biting into our chest. So we… We just… had a few ribs break out to stab it."

Her eyes widen, hands tighten and shake once.

"It broke them off though… so we just…" I shudder, recounting things aloud makes it all seem really insane and horrible. But… I love remembering these parts! "We started healing things better and decided to use the leftover piece to kill it."

I don't mention the second one we broke off before our chest closed up.

"Why do you want it now?"

"We… We gave it to ourselves. A memento of our first joining." I bite my lip, look past her. "And…" My voice goes quiet, cold seeps into my spine. "In case another one attacked. It would be better than trying to make another."

Her jaw clenches, stare intensifies. "Ina, You said you agreed to Her merging. Last night. Is that true?"

"Yes!" I nearly shout. "She saved me."

"And it's just you right now?" She presses. "This other person, the Weaver, isn't pushing you to–"

"No!" I do shout then. "I'm alone. And I fucking hate it!"

That breaks her cold stare, melts it into confusion and concern and…

I pull from her, Caught between anger at her and… relief at seeing expressions that make the dream words swell back into my memories.

Everything you see is a response to a fear for you, not of you.

"It's just me."

A long pause, then Tasii reaches out to touch my hand. "I'm sorry." She whispers. "I just… need to make sure you're not… that She isn't hurting you."

"She'd never–" The words die as I realize the lie.

Her fingers tighten around mine. "Ina?"

I shake my head. "She… No. The head pain is just… healing."

"Pain from the separation?"

I nod. "Exactly."

I look back to her with hope, and do find it. She still has a guarded expression, but it's overwhelmed with worry and contemplation. "Will you be merging again anytime soon?"

"No." I can't stop the wince at the pain of my next words. "She… She said it has to be saved for emergencies. That it costs a lot of my Amwella to do."

She nods, and doesn't even try to hide her relief. Tasii looks away then, expression becomes guarded as she considers her next words. "Back in Deledita," She murmurs, turning just her eyes to peer at me. "You'd called Her scary. Even from barely recalled dreams."

I remember them all now. The weeks of torment during sleep. How the more I'd enjoyed Yrelia, and eventually Tasii's, attentions the more real her attempts at… at…

"I… mean she can be. But…"

At merging! At giving me the wondrous and perfect thoughts to go along with this fucking amazing body. The pain was just… encouragement. I'd totally earned that for being so stu–

I wince as a flair pricks at me from the void. Punishment for disobeying the command She etched on my mind.

"Sorry. We should talk about this later." Tasii sighs, misreading the source of the pain. Then squeezes my hand. "Yrelia will be so grumpy with me when she finds out we spoke about this without her."

I nod, "Okay."

Tasii insists I curl back into bed and drink some water while we wait, encouraging me to try and sleep more. But I'm too awake and filled with worry. About an hour later, the door's lock rattles, then clicks and opens. Yrelia enters, followed by Kque and…

"Jevita?" I call out. Surprised and concerned and–

"Thanks for coming." Tasii nods to them.

"Will… What about Lule and–" I start to ask, but Yrelia is already crossing the room, crawling across the bed, and pulling me into a big hug.

"Ina, you're awake!" She squeezes me, almost too hard.

"Fever is down." Tasii supplies to the room, "Might be gone by now."

Yrelia pulls back, touches my brow. Nods. "Think so. How're you feeling?

"I… um. Okay. I guess?" I murmur, overwhelmed by the sudden mass of people.

"Yrelia…" Kque steps up beside the bed, lays her bag of healing things on the little table beside it. "You mentioned multiple chest wounds. And now you're hugging her?"

"Right… yeah. Um..." Yrelia pulls to the side, but keeps one of my hands in hers.

"I'm fine." I huff. "We… We took care of those. I… I don't think that–"

"Get your shirt up, or better yet, off" Kque snaps out, not unkindly. I recognize the tone from her time with me in Deledita and immediately begin to obey. Then, without even looking at Yrelia she points to the foot of the bed. "Off."

Yrelia kisses my hand, but moves away without argument as I shift about to get the big warm sweater off. The cold air makes me shutter, but I can't help but go still as the room goes a bit… quiet at the sight. My chest is clear of blood, and most of the wounds are completely gone, but… there are little scars of violet and silver traced in their wake.

Even Kque pauses, seems to.. Flounder for a moment.

"Okay. This is…" She swallows, then motions for me to lean back so she can look over them. "Go ahead and tell me what happened while I look these over."

I do, and begin retelling the events from the alleyway. I consider not mentioning where I got the bone knife. But Tasii gives me a fucking look, one of… concern and warning and… and I sigh and continue.

Everyone just… stops. Kque's fingers pause over one of the thicker cuts, while the foot rubs Yrelia had started giving me turn into just worried grips. Even Tasii seems to stop breathing.

"Like…" Kque whispers, moves to gently tap the skin above a rib. "One of these? From your chest?"

I nod, then continue. I leave out the details of the dream and most of our thoughts, try to stick to the physical events. Kque has moved from my chest to peer into my eyes, when I mention the healing song. Pauses.

"Wait. What?" Jevita nearly snaps. This is the first time she's spoken from the wall she'd started leaning against. "You… sang? And like… it healed you?"

The interruption surprises me. But I need to remain still as Kque works.

"Ye… Yeah." I murmur.

"How?" Jevita presses.

"I…" Reflexively I reach for the methods, wince and squirm at the pain the void echoes into me. "We're not together anymore. I can't… I don't know how it works."

"Can you do it again? Right no–"

She goes quiet as Kque looks over to her. Blank expression… but…

"Not like this." I sigh. "But… that's basically everything. Then we came back."

Kque touches my head one last time, testing its heat, then pulls back.

"A little warm, but nothing worth worrying about."

"So…" Yrelia presses. "What do you think?"

Kque huffs, "Honestly, this was all beyond me back in Deledita. Now…" She looks at my scars. "I don't even know what I'm looking at. If I didn't know her I'd think this was some botched Cultivation tattoo… but…"

"They're not gemstones, right?" Jevita asks, eyes locked on my scars.

I'm starting to sit up, pull my sweater back down over my head and body.

"No." Kque shakes her head. "But I have absolutely no clue what it is."

"We also have another problem." Tasii sighs.

Everyone turns to her.

"Did you see any strange women in the common room downstairs?"

Yrelia tilts her head in confusion, Kque shakes her head. But Jevita… She goes stiff.

"Why do you think she's here for Ina?" Jevita murmurs.

"She was pretty clear when she was banging on our door." Tasii runs a hand through her hair, "What did she look like?"

"Who are we talking about?" Yrelia turns to regard them.

Jevita grinds her teeth. "A… type of duenna. Armed with serious Cultivation changes, and… I think… some kind of weapon."

"She said there were more of those monsters." I take a deep breath, uncurl myself. "I… I think I do need to go talk to her."

That gets like… six different outcries from the four of them. All only slight variations of 'No' and 'Fuck No'.

"Not…" I sigh when they've quieted, "Not to do anything. Just… Just to explain! Let her see that I'm so useless and–"

A spike of pain rolls through my mind. Ugh I… I think I'm going to– I curl around myself, end up almost vomiting out a rush of the water Tasii had me drink. I just barely hold it in. When I regather myself Kque and Yrelia have moved to my sides.

"I'm fine, just… just need to–"

"What's wrong?" Kque touches my head again, then flits a finger down to my belly. "Are you certain everything in your chest is healed up?"

"Yeah, it's not the chest. Just… a headache got my tummy upset."

I look up, Tasii's eyes are locked on mine. I give her my best smile, but I know she sees the lie, or… or worries there might be one. "I… I need to do this. Need to… At least show her that."

Her words dance through me, the memories of the slaughter and elation of the entire thing. How… how good it felt. I'm… I'm surprised how the fear lessen a bit. How something inside me begins to shift…

"If she's the kind of person I think she is…" Jevita murmurs from the side. "She won't leave. Not until she gets her answers."

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