Chapter 6

I spend every day of the next two weeks in the main library learning whatever I can about decorum, fashion and anything else that could better prepare me for society. Much like when I tried to study music back in Edmour it's rather difficult to learn such things from books only but it's all I have. If I had money then I'd have hired a tutor alas I have none.

Other ladies may receive an allowance from their husbands but not me. Another casualty of his lack of trust in me but as Humphrey is a well-known spendthrift it's not surprising that he believes that I would be the same. It's a false assumption but an understandable one. With my brother spending so much of our family's money including all of my dowry I've become incredibly careful with money.

That leaves me to learn what I can without the aid of an expert in whatever I want to study. At least I can improve my French through conversations with Marguerite in the morning and evening as she helps me get ready for the day or to prepare for bed. We've fallen into the routine of only speaking French to each other during these times as Marguerite recommended speaking it as much as possible.

Although she's the only servant speaking more than a greeting to me I can feel the others watching my every move. They are reporting back to either Mrs Merrick or Delves the butler and one if not both of them are sending that information on to my husband. I know what they're truly waiting for though. My courses. I haven't mentioned to anyone, even Marguerite, that they should have started last week and that I've not been late in years.

It's nice to have something to myself even if it won't last much longer before they figure out that I'm likely pregnant. Just one more week and then I'll have been at Knole House for a month so they'll be expecting my courses. There's still a chance that I'm simply late rather than pregnant but I'm hopeful that I am with child.

Setting down the history book I've been reading I decide to take a break, all of the time I've been studying has left me feeling exhausted at the end of everyday. I've spent all morning and afternoon reading various books that should make me more acceptable to society, it's everything I should have learned prior to going to London and now it's too late as they'll accept me back. My only hope is to have the Duke at least be more accepting and tolerant of me.

I'm not hoping for love, it's completely out of the question. A friendship is likely the best that I can aim for or at the very least we could come to an understanding with each other. I'll take anything that allows me to not spend my entire life trapped here in Knole House with only the servants for company.

My only true enjoyment here is finally being able to play whenever I want so it's the perfect way to relax after hours spent reading. Walking over to the pianoforte I rest a hand on my abdomen thinking of the child that may be growing there right underneath my palm and how I can't wait to hold them in my arms. Smiling I take a seat at the pianoforte and begin playing, launching into a light and joyful song that perfectly matches my hope for the future.

I transition from one song to another until my hands ache and I can't play another song without them cramping and ruining my playing. It's getting late anyway so dinner will be served soon. I'm still eating meals in my room rather than in one of the dining rooms even though the Duke has left, I find it more comfortable as eating alone in even the smaller of the two rooms makes me feel even lonelier.

Although ever since my husband departed the quality of my meals has decreased, something that I think can be traced back to Mrs Merrick. It's just one of the many petty little ways that she's expressed her hatred for me. The quality of the meals or how often the maids clean my room don't bother me at all, it's not anything that I'm not used to.

Perhaps the only aspect of the inconveniences she's set up that have bothered me is the way the other servants have so easily gone along with her. Even when I pass them in the halls I barely get the acknowledgement that my rank deserves, a barely muttered 'your grace' at most is all I get. They don't even stop whatever it is they are doing as most servants do in other houses, it wasn't something that the few servants at Edmour did but Lady Anne's did. I'd have thought the servants of a Duke would be more disciplined than to let their personal feelings influence how they treat nobility.

By their standards though I likely don't deserve to be treated as a member of nobility, not after compromising and dragging their beloved Duke into a scandal. From what Marguerite has been able to learn and relay to me the Duke is well-loved by all of the servants here with many of them knowing him since he was a child. Even the newer servants greatly admire him as he's a generous employer.

Marguerite arrives with my dinner not long after I return to my room and starts busying herself preparing my nightclothes as I eat. As the newest member of staff I get the feeling that the other servants are keeping their distance from her especially as she's my ladies maid and therefor close to me. It's only served to make the two of us closer despite the short amount of time that we've known each other.

"Everyone downstairs is very curious, your Grace. They're all waiting for the same news," Marguerite states in French sending me a sly smile. Although I'd not outright told her that my courses are late over the past few days I think she's begun to suspect.

"I have no news for them at the moment. Perhaps next week, if nothing changes, then I will inform Mrs Merrick," I reply also in French as per our arrangement. "I'm sure that Mrs Merrick will then write to the Duke to inform him. Then he'll probably send Dr Blundell to examine me."

"If I may ask, what do you hope for?" She asks watching me carefully for any reaction. I'd thought when I first met her that she was at most three years older than me but it turns out that she's actually six years older. This also wasn't the first time that she's served as a ladies maid although I am her first English lady.

She hadn't said what had happened to the other ladies that she's served as sometimes when we've spoken of her past she's become upset so we'd change the topic quickly. It's left me with the impression that something terrible has happened to at least one of the other ladies that she's served.

"I do want a child. Things should become easier when I provide the Duke with an heir."

"Hm. That's what all men want. An heir. No matter the consequences," She takes away my tray handing it off to a footman to be returned to the kitchen. The annoyed expression on her face lends more evidence to my theory that one of her ladies suffered a terrible fate, one caused by childbirth.

With nothing else for me to do today she begins to help me undress and get ready for bed. I've taken to early nights so that I can get back to the library as early as possible. There are so many books to read but there are only so many hours of daylight in which to read them hence I try to start my reading as early as possible.

"Is that so surprising?"

"Not surprising but uninspired," Marguerite flashes me a teasing grin in the mirror from over my shoulder as she unlaces my dress.

"Well, the only other man I know is my brother. And his only desire is to spend as much money as possible. That's what drove me to this in the first place."

We fall quiet after that as talking about the compromise is still difficult. Even though Marguerite seems to be at least slightly sympathetic towards me I still don't want to talk about it with her. I'd prefer to forget about it although society won't allow it. This potential baby may be the only way that I'll be at least tolerated again.

Another week passes without my courses coming so for the first time I summon Mrs Merrick to come and see me. Not in my room though but rather in one of the sitting rooms, my room is the only place I feel truly safe so I don't want someone who hates me violating that space.

"You summoned me, your Grace?" She says coming to stand in front of the settee that I'm sat on without bothering to knock as she entered. As always her tone gives away her clear disdain for me as though the very idea of me having to summon her is the worst possible thing she can imagine.

"Yes. I know the Duke has asked you to watch over me and to report back to him on one particular subject. By now you must be getting impatient waiting for what I'm sure you hope for but I've called here because it won't happen," I inform taking a strange joy in watching her try not to grimace as she realises that I may be carrying the next Duke of Devon.

"I will be sure to send to the Duke of this matter. I'll await his instructions," She replies before leaving with her mouth pinched in distaste. It wouldn't surprise me if she'd praying for me to be barren so that his Grace could be rid of me perhaps now she'll hope that I die giving birth. And for the baby to be a girl all so that no child of mine will inherit the title.

With the room to myself I breathe a sigh of relief that at least I won't have to write to the Duke myself with this news. As much as he hates me on our wedding night he'd at least seemed to come to terms with me being the mother of children. But we'd not discussed what would happen once those children are born.

One of the things that I've learnt from the many books here in Knole House is that it's roughly a nine hour carriage ride from London. So it won't take Mrs Merrick's letter long to reach the Duke as a rider can reach London much faster than in a carriage and as she'll likely deem the letter urgent the messenger will ride even faster. Perhaps around midday the letter will reach him and then either a reply will be on its way or the Duke will.

The thought of his return startles me even though it'd always been inevitable that he'd return at some point. Whether to see our child or to resume our efforts to conceive one, both will require him to be here rather than in London. Needing something to distract myself with I return to my room where at least I can feel like I'm preparing myself for my husband's potential return.

There isn't much that I can do except summon Marguerite to determine what dress might be appropriate to greet him in if he is to return. Not that I think that I'll be told of his return, just as I wasn't told of his departure. Nevertheless I want to be as prepared as possible so together we go through all my dresses and the few pieces of jewellery that I have until we're satisfied that we've done the best we can with what I have. I'm as ready for the Duke's possible return.