Chapter 5

My first week here passes surprisingly quickly perhaps because everyday is much like the one before it. Every morning Marguerite brings breakfast to my room then helps me dress for the day, not that it requires much as I have no where to go or anyone to see. Everyday the Duke has managed to avoid being in my company as much as possible.

After breakfast I typically spend the remainder of the morning walking through the gardens slowly learning my way around them as Mrs Merrick hadn't included them in her tour. And why would she when there is nothing in the gardens that she can use to prove how woefully inadequate I am as the Duchess. These walks give me at least the semblance of peace before I return back inside where only cold silence awaits me.

Like breakfast I eat my luncheon alone either in my room or in one of the smaller dining rooms. I find myself eating less at each meal though so I've been finishing sooner each day but at the end of every luncheon I make my way to the same place. The library. It's not the main library yet it's still become my favourite place here, there are so many more books here than at Edmour all of which I'd read countless times.

The rest of my day would be spent there in the library although lately I've been wishing that I had something else to do. During Mrs Merrick's tour I did see a pianoforte in the larger of the two libraries that I'm desperate to play, Humphrey sold the piano at Edmour years ago and I haven't had a chance to play since. I'm trying to be careful of the Duke though and things between us are already difficult enough without adding in my potentially disturbing him while he's working. For all I know he hates music and only has the pianoforte here because it's expected or, given the nature of the other furniture here, an antique family heirloom worth more than Edmour.

As evening sets in though I return to my room to continue whichever book I've been reading until a maid arrives with my dinner. There'll be a few more quiet hours after the meal until Marguerite arrives to help me change into my nightclothes. Then, true to his word, the Duke arrives to fulfil his duty before leaving quickly so that I can go to sleep. The cycle then starts anew in the morning.

Today will be different though. Last night had been the seventh night that the Duke came to my room and before he left he'd reminded me that it'd be the last time until we know if I am with child. I hope that I am as at least then I will have done something right to at least start making up for trapping him in this marriage. As miserable as I am it's a misery of my own making as even if my plan had gone as intended a life such as this was still a possibility.

Knowing that I haven't anything to do today I take my time eating my breakfast before allowing Marguerite to dress me for the day. In truth the only pressing activity I have to do today is to reply to my brother's latest letter. The first letter had arrived on my third day here and as expected Humphrey was asking for money, which I do not have. Even if I did have access to any money I wouldn't give it to him.

This latest letter is the third one he's written and just like the others the only reply will be a firm denial of any money but also to inform him that this will be my last letter. I fully intent to burn any further requests for money to cover his debts. That's if he even used it to pay off debts rather than gambling with it and incurring more debt.

"Will there be anything else your Grace?" Marguerite asks as she finishes with my hair. Her voice pulls me from my thoughts of what to write to my brother.

"Yes thank you Marguerite. Could you have someone come up shortly to post a letter for me?" I request knowing that whatever I write it won't take long.

With a nod in reply and a curtsy she leaves me alone to begin writing the letter. I don't bother adding any pleasantries to it getting straight to the point that Humphrey won't be getting any money from me, now or in the future. With such a declaration I don't imagine that I'll hear from him again as he's never been interested in speaking to me before my marriage.

Handing off the letter to the footman sent by Marguerite I head to the library skipping my usual walk in the gardens after seeing the rain coming down outside. The halls on the way there are quieter than usual as there is an absence of servants compared to previous days. I didn't think much of this until I reached the library and had still not seen a single servant roaming the halls.

Curious I abandon my intended destination in favour of finding out what could have drawn so many of the servants away from their usual duties. As I get closer to the entrance I find many of the servants moving about and transporting various trunks outside to where a carriage is waiting. I still don't understand what's going on and no one bothers to inform me as they move around me without so much as a greeting.

"Your Grace, is something I can help you with?" Mrs Merrick asks from behind me making me startle slightly as I've managed to avoid her most days since that tour.

"No thank you Mrs Merrick. I was simply curious and decided to investigate," I reply trying to give a small, serene smile to mask how nervous she makes me. As with every other time that I've been around her she looks over me critically and finds me wanting.

"Ah yes. The Duke has decided to return to London for the time being. He left early this morning and ordered us to send along his belongings after," She informs me with a pleased glint in her eyes as she delivers the news that my husband is leaving. And without a single word to tell me so himself. If I hadn't wondered about the lack of servants then I wouldn't have known that he'd left, perhaps it would have been days before I found out.

Shocked I turn around and leave without another word retreating once again to my room. For once I'm glad that it's so far removed from wherever it is the Duke's rooms are so that I don't have to see or hear any more of the preparations for his departure. With what he'd said last night I'd imagined that I wouldn't see much of him until we know if I'm with child but never had I expected that he'd quit Knole House altogether.

I try not to let my mind turn to what he may be doing in London but the thoughts creep in regardless of what I want. While I'd managed to find out plenty about the Earl of Bedford prior to that fateful ball I know next to nothing about my own husband. Perhaps he has a mistress waiting for him in London or maybe he intends to find one now as many men do after marriage. It wouldn't surprise me if he did after all he can't stand even the sight of me but the thought of him taking a mistress hurts nonetheless.

Is this how we will live our lives? Me living here alone in Knole House without a friend while the Duke lives in London with a mistress only returning so that we can fulfil our duty, something that will stop completely on the safe delivery of an heir. My courses are due sometime next week so then I shall know if our current efforts have been successful or not. I wouldn't be surprised if the news reaches the Duke regardless of if I write to him about the news myself, I'm sure Mrs Merrick will be thrilled to inform him.

And even if I am with child what will happen when said child arrives? With how I'm regarded by the Duke and society itself I wouldn't be surprised if the Duke would prefer for our children to be raised away from me and the scandal. Knole House isn't likely to be his only property so he could send the children or me somewhere else. The very thought of such a separation is painful especially as if I have a son and heir the first time he's likely to be my only child unless the Duke wishes for a spare.

I'd like to think that any daughters, if we have any prior to the needed heir, would be allowed to stay with me but the Duke may fear my influence on them. Not that I would want any daughters of mine to have to the same lengths that I've had to for the sake of a good match. They'll be Ladies and the daughters of a Duke with only Princesses being more eligible than them.

Thankfully I still have an unread book in my room so I can spend the morning alone reading without needing to go and find something new to keep my mind occupied. At least with the Duke absent I can browse the larger library without fearing that I will disturb him. Perhaps I will even spend some time playing the piano now that I'm alone apart from the servants. And regardless of their feelings about me and my fear of Mrs Merrick I still rank above them so my worries of disturbing the peace with my playing are gone.

I finish the book by early afternoon having skipped luncheon altogether due to a lack of appetite in the wake of the Duke's callous way of leaving. My sadness and confusion over his departure have morphed now into a strange sort of anger along with a desire to not spend the rest of my life hiding away from everyone. The chances of my being allowed to return to London are practically non-existent but I'm determined to find some happiness here.

Filled with a desire to at least regain some control of my life I stand up and leave my room with my head held high. This is my home now I won't scurry around it like a frighted little mouse as I did at Edmour and Lady Anne's house, that part of my life is over. I may have spent years planning a way to marry someone who could protect and look after me so that I'd finally have someone to rely on but by one simple accident I've ended up with a husband that cares not as to how I'm treated.

The confidence that I have as I make my way to the main library is entirely fake but perhaps eventually I will feel truly confident walking the halls of my home. On another day I will look through the books here to see if there are any that may help me be more deserving of my new title but for today I intend to play the pianoforte. There is already some sheet music set up which thankfully is within my range to play so I don't have to go searching for something else.

Taking a calming breath I begin to play feeling myself begin to relax with every note. It's as though all of my problems are being carried away by the music leaving feeling more at ease than I have been in years. Not since I was a child have I felt so peaceful.

This sense of peace only furthers my resolve to improve myself until I'm worthy of title as Duchess of Dorset. I believe that even if I do improve it won't make the Duke any fonder of me than he currently is but perhaps it will ease things between us. And it may help me remain involved in the lives of whatever children I have if I can show that I wouldn't be a negative influence on them.

Finishing the piece I can't help but smile, my first genuine smile since before the ball all those weeks ago. I browse through the available sheet music to select a new piece to begin playing again. Today is to rediscover some happiness but tomorrow I will get to work. By the time the Duke returns I hope to be more like he imagined his future Duchess to be so that at least he will speak with me.