Wounds of the past

'Something is not right.' Nakul's mind wandered back to the events that took place just a few hours ago. He couldn't help but feel that sex was used as a means to shut him off from asking some important questions. And he couldn't be more furious. 'My horniness was taken advantage of. That is not fair!' His mind went back to Dhiraj's angered expressions. Even though at that time he felt guilty, looking back at it retrospectively, Nakul noted that he shouldn't have let go of that topic so easily.

'He really doesn't like Avanti huh?.' I kind of want to know more about his mother. And with that intention in his mind he went on Google. He typed in "Ragini Raghuvanshi" and immediately the results popped up. In front of him was a picture of an elegant lady in her 30s. He went on the images tab and started scrolling through them. His eyes stopped at a particular picture as he felt as if he had suddenly found a treasure he didn't know existed.

It was because he spotted a picture of the happy couple with a 6 year old little boy sitting on his mother's lap, laughing his heart out. That smile. It held all the innocence in this world. It was the brightest smile he had ever seen. And looking at that little boy, Nakul couldn't help but smile as well. It was the miniature version of Dhiraj. And Nakul instantly knew from him Dhiraj got his charming smile. It was from his mother. Nakul quickly saved the picture and got back to the task he had started.

He went through the few published articles that talked about how Ragini was diagnosed with a terminal illness and passed away leaving behind a tender child just with his father. On researching more, he realized that there were more articles gossiping about Dhiraj's father's new 'young' wife than his mother.

It didn't take him long to draw some of his own conclusions. 'I guess he really hates Avanti for replacing his mother. But he told me he doesn't hate her. Maybe he's worried that I might judge him for hating Avanti? But then, even if he hated Avanti why won't he talk about his mother.'

Nakul went back to the picture he had saved. Zooming on to little Dhiraj's face, a small smile cracked open once again on his lips. But the next second, Nakul remembered the anger Dhiraj's eyes held just a few hours ago. His heart got a small pinch. For some reason he couldn't bear the look in those eyes. The pain that was hiding behind the anger was starting to seep out. 'I HAVE to talk to him once again.'

And with that intention, Nakul approached Dhiraj. Dhiraj was sitting on the dining counter going through some files related to work. For a second Nakul contemplated if he should bring up the question now or not. But upon concluding that he might not have enough will to ask Dhiraj about this topic later, he knew he HAD to ask Dhiraj now.

"Hey, I think we should talk about the things that we left undiscussed." Nakul stood in front of Dhiraj, arms folded, hinting about the gravity of the situation. Dhiraj will have to take things seriously.

Dhiraj caught wind of what Nakul was trying to say. He knew he cannot escape the topic anymore. He had to face Nakul. And so drawing out a clear boundary, as he too folded his arms, he replied, "Why should we?"

Nakul couldn't believe his ears. 'Just how stubborn this man could be?'

" Why should we? Because I don't want to see you this way." Nakul's eyebrows arched up and concern was clearly visible in his eyes. He just simply couldn't see this man enduring some unexplainable pain that he was hiding.

He went towards Dhiraj and cupped Dhiraj's cheeks with his hands. Looking at the concern in Nakul's eyes, Dhiraj softened. His baby really did care for him.

Nakul steadied his trembling voice and continued, "Do you hate Avanti because she's trying to replace your mom?"

'This topic. Again. Can't he just leave me alone?' Hearing that question Dhiraj was annoyed. Why can't just Nakul let go of that? Irritated, he snapped at Nakul, "Why do you keep bringing this up when you clearly know I don't want to talk about it?!"

A desperate Nakul pulled Dhiraj closer to himself. Their faces were only centimeters apart. If only he could make Dhiraj understand just how much he hates seeing Dhiraj so agitated. "Because I can see how much this is affecting you. I don't understand why you aren't talking about it?!....." A helpless Nakul pleaded, ".....I just want to help"

The breathlessness that had once left Dhiraj returned. He could feel his body getting cold as his throat started choking on itself. "You want to help me?" He MUST get out of this situation. So Dhiraj decided to make his master move once again. He brought his lips closer to Nakul, kissing him in an attempt to distract him from the questions he had. His hand swirled around Nakul's waist pulling him closer as his hands then moved to unbutton Nakul's shirt. "You know there are some other ways in which you can help me." His lips trace over Nakul's smooth chest, kissing the somewhat prominent ab-line.

'He's trying to get away with this again.' But Nakul wasn't going to give in this time. He WAS going to get answers. And so, he pulled himself apart from Dhiraj. "Don't try to use sex as a way to divert my attention."

Now Dhiraj was at the end of his wits. He abruptly stopped and got up. The furrowed lines that had vanished, were back again. And seeing them, Nakul's guts twisted.

"Why are you so focused on unwanted things? Everything is going good between us right? We both are happy. So can't we just focus on good things that we have and can do?" Dhiraj snapped in a venomous tone. He had never ever talked with Nakul that way. And hearing that, Nakul was stunned too. A part of him was....hurt. His eyes weren't able to hide the effect those words had on him. And Dhiraj hated that look. That look of his baby being hurt. But it felt to him as if he had no other option. He desperately wanted to avoid that topic. But Nakul just kept bringing it up.

'How can I make you stop talking about it? I don't....I don't want to say these hurtful things to you. But you are making me say them.' Dhiraj felt torn apart as if he was splitting into 2 people. One who just wanted to leave and the other who wanted to hold Nakul into an embrace so badly. Hold Nakul because he simply didn't understand how to explain these god awful feelings. Hold Nakul because that might be the only way he could communicate how he felt.

He needed someone who could steady him. So Dhiraj's hand instinctively went to Nakul's, wanting to hold him just so that he could steady himself. But Nakul mistook that as another attempt to lure him with sex. And so, he violently shrugged off Dhiraj's hand.

"No. This is different. You will have to tell me what's wrong." Nakul demanded.

Seeing his hands shrugged off so easily, Dhiraj felt... he had no one to rely on. Maybe it IS best to avoid this discussion. All of his body and mind directed him towards one option only: Cut off this topic, no matter what it takes. And so an equally pissed off Dhiraj blurted out, " Why are you doing this? Trying to start an unnecessary fight?! Why do you want to know it?"

"BECAUSE YOU MATTER TO ME!!!!" Nakul finally said.

He said the thing that he tried not to say. He said the one thing that will seal the fact that the "thing" going on in between Dhiraj and Nakul was just in fact not a 'thing'. It meant something more.

Upon understanding the words he had just spat out, Nakul couldn't help but get conscious. A flush of crimson red was visible on his cheeks. And he could feel the warmth spreading across them. He wanted to hide it. But there were more important matters to take care of. So ignoring the embarrassment, he continued, "Because... I can see that this is something that hurts you. And that you struggle to contain something inside. And I just don't want to see you struggling....."

He takes a step towards Dhiraj, closing in the distance that made him feel as if they were miles apart. He once again cups Dhiraj's cheek and whispers in a soft voice, " Tell me what's wrong and let's solve this together".

'This isn't something that you can just solve together.' Dhiraj looked away with solemn eyes. The feeling of being torn apart returned. But anxiety won over. Dhiraj decided, 'It's best not to assign some meaning to this...discomfort.' He must remain adamant. " If I really matter to you.....You will let this go. And never bring it up again...." He removed Nakul's hand from his cheek and got up to leave.

Now Nakul had enough.

He was at the end of his wits and the only option that seemed to left to try was to MAKE Dhiraj say it.

"Dhiraj. I'm just gonna count till 5. Tell me. What you are hiding. Or else. I'm going to be real mad. Really. Really. Really. Mad." declared Nakul in a serious tone. He was not kidding this time.

'Cute.' Dhiraj let out a small smirk. And this time he was the one cupping Nakul's cheeks. He replied, "Thanks for your concern-" He placed a quick kiss on Nakul's forehead and continued, "-But it's nothing." Saying that he picked up his laptop and turned to leave.

Nakul couldn't believe what had just happened. 'The audacity of this man.' He couldn't help but say, "Don't go Dhiraj!! I'll be really mad at you."

Dhiraj paid no heed to him as he walked away leaving behind a fuming Nakul. And Oh boy, was Nakul REALLY mad.

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