I think I might be in love with you

[Author's Note: This chapter will contain numerous themes concerning suicide, suicide jokes as a coping mechanism, guilt-tripping, and a mentally deranged Midoriya like you've never seen before. Be warned.]

"Stop joking about this," Todoroki frowns.

"But I'm not! I'm stating a fact!" It's hard to take Midoriya seriously when he's heartily laughing. "If a person tried to kill themselves, it means they've been thinking to do it for a long time and they just... finally pulled the trigger. Nothing really changed with the person, it just means no one noticed what he's going through in the first place."

Midoriya finally stops when he sees the look on Todoroki's face.

"Oh no," He sits up from his hospital bed, dragging his IV fluids with him, to crouch closer to his friend. "hey, I'm sorry. That was a bit crass of me--"

"Yes, you fucking moron!" Todoroki shouts, taking both of them aback. He then speaks lower on his next set of words, afraid that a nurse might kick him out of the room. "I've been worried sick about you, we're all worried about you. And yet here you are, laughing that you failed to kill yourself!"

"Technically, that's not what I said--" The glare Midoriya is receiving made him stop talking.

"This whole month was a living hell for us, there were lingering thoughts in our mind that you might never wake up. We all blamed ourselves for what happened because we didn't know what could possibly cause you to do it. We never tried asking you because we're afraid it might trigger you, yet here you are, joking about it."

Todoroki covers his mouth in shock as soon as he finishes his outburst.

"I"m sorry, Midoriya." His voice quivers, quietly. "It sounded like I'm blaming you even though it clearly wasn't. I'm sorry for not being a good comrade and not seeing the signs--"

"It isn't your fault," Midoriya finally speaks, moving his hand in order to clasp Todoroki's, just like when he woke up from his coma. "In fact, it's nobodies fault. I'm actually grateful that you told me about your thoughts. It finally made sense why Iida-san and Uraraka-san seem stiff whenever they visit me..." He says, more to himself than to Todoroki. "I promise to apologize to them the next time they visit."

Todoroki nods, not knowing exactly what words would befit their current circumstances. And also because he ran out of words after his raging frenzy.

"I think, it's finally time for me to tell you why I did it," Midoriya says.

"What?" Mismatched eyes widen.

"Why I tried to kill myself," Midoriya says with a tone like he's just talking about the weather. "Though I'll be honest, it's not just a single reason: it's a matter of problems piling up together plus my already existing issues prior to anything else. Hope you can catch along to what I'm going to tell you."

Midoriya's nonchalance about the topic is almost frightening. However, Todoroki doesn't say anything about it.

Instead, he nods.

"First of all," Midoriya starts, his tone unchanging from before. Apathetic. "do you remember that incident with your mom...?"

"When she hyperventilated and you calmed her down," Todoroki asks.

He nods. "Didn't it strike you as odd that I was there?"

His face remains blank for a few seconds before Todoroki shakes his head. "You told me you were visiting from the children's ward because you volunteer there during weekends,"

"Yes, I did. I go there every time I finish my session at the... psychiatrist." Midoriya pauses, scrutinizing his companion's expression. "Well, that was anticlimactic. You don't seem the slightest bit surprised!"

Todoroki tenses, realizing it's his time to speak. While Midoriya wonders if Todoroki is actually capable of looking shocked.

"Your mom told us," Todoroki speaks slowly, choosing each word carefully. "that this is the second time you committed suicide."

Midoriya laughs.

He fucking laughs.

"That was an uncalled-for move made by my Mom," His tone was joking, yet his moss-green eyes were brewing something dark. "I can't believe my Okaa-san is embarrassing me while I'm unconscious."

Todoroki acts like he didn't hear what Midoriya just said.

"I also took into account your... Interesting choice of literature stowed in your apartment." He continues. "all of them had prominent dark themes relating to suicide, depression, and anxiety. Your medicine cabinet also contained different types of prescribed anti-psychosis, antidepressants, and mood stabilizers. And just a few minutes ago, you just referred to yourself as mentally deranged.

"It wasn't really that difficult to connect the dots. In fact, I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't heed the signs before me much earlier."

"I have almost forgotten that you're a renowned crime fiction writer. Of course, you'd also have the wits to solve this tiny mystery." Midoriya claps his hands like a child that saw a cheap magic trick."Though, I do have to applaud you for noticing my medicine cabinet. I don't think a person with no pharmaceutical knowledge would take note of such detail."

"You did overdose yourself," Todoroki points out. "it's not a detail you can overlook at the scene of where you overdosed."

He was about to say 'scene of the crime' but thought against it since it doesn't really fit.

"Touché," Midoriya appears genuinely amused, pointing a finger gun at him. "anyway, since you already figured it out, I don't need to expound it: I am mentally unstable."

Like my mom, The young writer notes to himself.

"However, lately," He pauses, biting his lips as if contemplating if he should be sharing this info or not. "I've been... increasingly erratic over the tiniest bit."

Seeing the confused look on Todoroki's face, Midoriya sighed (is there a hint of annoyance?) and begins to explain.

"For example, a customer at Café Perry could've been slightly rude to me. It a normal to feel offended but usually, they'll carry on with their lives because hey, there are probably more customers like that and there's no use crying over spilled milk. But for me... I won't forget about it, and I also won't forget about the next customer who swears at me. Then the next, and the next, and so forth.

"The feeling of people doing me wrong, each and every single one of them, piles up around my chest, like a heavy but hollow feeling that keeps me up at night with of lingering thoughts of what if I told them off or what if I did this instead so they wouldn't have gotten mad at me. But in the end, I always end up getting stuck with the latter because I know I'm a shitty person who deserves the treatment I get."

"Midoriya," Todoroki reproaches softly. "don't think of yourself like that."

"Sometimes," He continues, completely ignoring Todoroki's rebuke. "no, most of the time lately, I don't even need a 'customer' to feel that way! That feeling, that fucking horrible feeling," He gnashes his teeth together, his right hand clenching on his chest. "it's just there."

Midoriya shakes his head, laughing in self-pity.

"And that's the hurdle I face with my psychiatrist, Todoroki-kun because I usually go there with a problem in mind and we talk about it in order to find a way how to fix it. But lately, there's no 'customer'. I just feel like... There are mornings when it's literally so fucking difficult to get out of bed. And it's not because I just want to catch a wink of sleep. It's because I know that there's no point for me to keep on living--"

Against better judgment, Todoroki finds himself wrapping his arms around Midoriya. A soft gasp escapes from the older man's chapped lips, the chair behind Todoroki topples over and lands on the floor with a loud thud.

"You don't deserve this," Todoroki's grip tightens. "I know my words won't magically heal you and stop your pain. But I just want you to know I'm here. I'm always here. And I'm sorry for shouting at you a while ago when I was utterly oblivious to all your inner turmoil."

He feels Midoriya's lips move against his chest: he's smiling. "Thank you, Todoroki-kun."

Todoroki hesitantly let go. He awkwardly stands the chair up and he resumes his previous position.

"Shall I continue?" Midoriya asks, politely.

With a blush, Todoroki gestures for him to do so.

"I think I might be in love with you."