Displacement

[Author's Note: This chapter will contain numerous themes concerning suicide, suicide jokes as a coping mechanism, guilt-tripping, and a mentally deranged Midoriya like you've never seen before. Be warned.]

This time, it's the younger boy's turn to gawk.

"What."

"I know it's a bit sudden," Midoriya waves his hands up, shaking them. He doesn't even let Todoroki gather himself and proceeds. "but I've been meaning to tell you this for a while now. However, my realization of my feelings for you coincides with my recurring feeling of despair--"

"Are you saying I caused--" Todoroki's expression morphs into horror, heterochromatic eyes dilate while his lips are slightly agape.

"No, no, God, no, Todoroki-kun! It's about my other existing issue aside from my ailment," He dramatically takes a deep breath, before proceeding. "my past."

Dark red eyebrows deeply furrow together, but he doesn't say anything. Midoriya takes it as his cue to continue.

"My doctor that I'm unconsciously feeling guilty for having romantic feelings towards another person when I have yet to settle things with my previous relationship. So--"

"Did he advise you to talk it out with that bastard Kacchan?" Todoroki spits out the name with venom. "You have a goddamn shitty doctor for telling you to go back to your abuser."

Midoriya looks at him with his wide, forest-colored eyes. He notices a stir in them upon hearing the word 'abuser'.

"How did you...?"

"You said his name that night," Todoroki grits his teeth together, and his hands balled to a fist. "You were saying his name while you were touching me, Midoriya."

Midoriya swallows the invisible lump in his throat, yet he doesn't dare look away.

"I'm sorry," Sadly, that's all he can say.

"Iida told me while you were in a coma, about this Kacchan person and how you're the only one calling him that and he's the only allowed to call you Deku."

Midoriya purses his lips upon hearing his childhood name. He might not remember what happened that night, but he can already imagine what could have occurred to have him slip out Kacchan's pet name for him.

"His real name is Bakugo Katsuki, your childhood friend that bullied you severely throughout your childhood to the point your grades dropped down and you lost your chance in getting into a prestigious high school. You also dated him in college where he continued to abuse you until you dropped out."

"You got the latter part wrong," Midoriya frowns.

"That he didn't abuse you?" Todoroki scoffs. "Iida told me that you used to say the same thing years ago, and up until now you're defending him?"

"That's not what I meant--"

"How is that not abuse?" He seethes, shaking his head in disbelief. "Iida said that he used to monopolize your social life, he was despicably against you interacting with other people that he can't keep his tabs on. Whenever you're in a fight with him, he resorts to public humiliation and breaking things because he's a sadist with anger issues. He's physically, verbally, and psychologically abusive. He likes ordering you around and doesn't like it when you get the upper hand in your relationship. He's--"

"Iida-san really made him sound like the bad guy, huh?" Midoriya sighs, interrupting Todoroki's tirade.

"He is a bad guy!" Todoroki shouts, his writer-self feels slightly disgusted for his abysmal choice of wording.

Midoriya looks at him with dark forlorn eyes, the usual bright emerald eyes of his are crushed and dead. The eccentric eerie vibe he was emitting earlier completely came back. This unusual side of Midoriya seems more plausible to commit suicide rather than his usual self.

But what if this is his real self?

"Have you seen in the news where an alleged abuser still has the sympathies of their friends and family when the public and the media have already publicly prosecuted the person?" He asks, out of nowhere. "You can often hear them defend the person, 'He wouldn't do such a thing, if you know him personally he's a good and charming guy!' and all that crap."

Todoroki tenses up on his chair, a shiver runs down his spine at that moment. "What does it have to do with anything?"

"Oh, Todoroki-kun, it has to do with everything." He replies eyes half-lidded like a devious villain. He never would have thought that he'd describe Midoriya with a word so vile. "You know the answer? It's because the person is completely different in front of their peers, compared to when they're alone with their partners."

Todoroki sweatdrops. "What are you trying to say? That you're the abuser in your relationship?"

As soon as those words escaped from his lips, the author couldn't help but laugh at the sheer stupidity of the notion. But Midoriya continues looking at him with his strange expression, it was increasingly making him perturbed.

"You never really questioned how I learned to tie you up."

odoroki pales. The whole room felt completely colder for some reason, yet beads of cold sweat run down his face. "I thought you don't remember--"

"I don't," He affirms, and thank God, it feels slightly warm again. But the weird aura in the room remains. "I saw the marks on your wrist the day after."

"You're just saying that to protect him," Todoroki insists, more of to convince himself than to Midoriya. "This is a sign that can be found from some victims of abuse, they defend their abusers as an effect of how utterly broken they are."

I would know, that's what happened to Mother.

"I would admit, at first, he really was abusive," Midoriya confirms, at least. "What Iida said was true, partially."

"Partially?"

Midoriya nods. "After the spring break, the one when I attempted to commit suicide, Kacchan became... Docile. I guess someone intervened with his treatment towards me. However, up to this day, I'm still not sure who it was.

"This was the time I started drinking meds after I was diagnosed. I don't expect you to know but antidepressants have this ironic tendency to make you feel worse the first few months of intake... So I started drinking more than what was prescribed."

"What?"

"Don't get the wrong idea," Midoriya raises his hands up and waves them, sweat dripping down the side of his temple. "I didn't do it to kill myself. I genuinely thought it would make the feeling go away, you know. Maybe if I drank more, it would stop. The emptiness. The numbness. The feeling of worthlessness."

"Did it?" Todoroki leans closer to the bed, empathy evident in his eyes. "Did it ease them?"

Midoriya laughs hopelessly, slowly shaking his head.

Todoroki grabs the chair rest with such intensity, he wouldn't be surprised if his nails left their marks unto them.

"I don't know if it's the result of overdosing myself daily to a non-lethal amount, or maybe it's the side effects of the medicine itself... But it did something to my body. Effects that... Ruined my academic career, and as a normal human being in general."

Todoroki is aware of the side effects of those kinds of meds. After all, his mother is also taking them. In fact, the reason why Todoroki found out what kind of drug Midoriya overdosed on is because his mother drinks the same type of meds. If the effects of taking the prescribed dosage are horrible enough, he can't imagine how dreadful it is when Midoriya took more than needed.

"Back in college, I was aiming to be on top after failing to do so in high school. And my sickness, my medicine, my own doings, maimed my chance." Midoriya smiles, melancholic. "Todoroki-kun," He calls his name out, suddenly. "Do you know about displacement in psychology?"