Chapter one

DENIAL

The death of a relationship through divorce is the first stage of a process in which the relationship is mourned and then let go to make way for self-renewal.

A new opportunity to improve on the past and create a fuller life can be achieved after picking up the pieces from a divorce. You will come to terms with the past and be willing to change it when you recognize self defeating behavior.

The Emotional Truth of Divorce:

You are faced with many difficult tasks that were never yours. For example: women with the extra responsibility of finances, insurance, etc. And men with household duties, etc. You will sense a feeling of loneliness along with many fears and questions.

You will begin to think, "How could I end up in this predicament?" Your emotional inventory will show failure, guilt, emptiness and uncertainty when you look back.

These emotions and others are normal when the togetherness habit has been broken. This is true no matter who you are and how strong of a person you are. You do not know what it feels like until you experience a divorce. Two people became one, and were always a couple. Now the twosome has been torn in half.

The question most often asked is, who is the divorce hardest on—men or women? In most cases the question is meaningless since divorce strikes at the emotion of all people involved.

Divorce affects each of us differently, so we should not compare our situation with someone else. We need to come to terms with ourselves and where we are now by making the choice to accept us and the situation as it is. The fact of living alone does not mean living lonely. Now we begin to make choices to lay the ground work for our future and any future relationships. Another emotional upheaval is having to meet or contact your ex-spouse. This can stir up enormously conflicting feelings that can leave you shaken for several days. As you approach a meeting with your ex-spouse you are in familiar surroundings causing a bit of nostalgia for the "Good Old Days." You are caught up in the frenzy of a moment in time. You begin to think, "Maybe we have learned our lesson and maybe we could work things out now." "Maybe if I had done this differently or maybe if I had done this or that." You will work yourself up into a mixture of emotions. This causes confusion. You will be up and down like a roller coaster.

There are times when you will feel a driving need to run away. Take this opportunity to get in touch with your feelings and to spend time in free quiet time. Let your feelings surface and don't suppress them even though they are ugly, distorted and painful. There are also times when you will feel rejected, abandoned, victimized and even hostile. Admit each one and make a choice to turn away from them. You will this as a pull from the past. You will also recognize that the present is not the past and today is not yesterday. It is a new day and it is up to you to break the pattern. Now you are able to reach out for new friends and three things can be learned by taking this risk:

1. You will find much more warmth and acceptance than you thought.

2. You will learn to accept rejections not toward you as a person but as a single-again person (because people do not know how to relate to you as you are now).

3. You will be rewarded with new and pleasant experiences when you place yourself with new friends, activities and interests.

DENIAL

Summary

The Emotional Truth of Divorce

You need to remember when trouble started in your marriage.

To what extent was denial a part of your reaction?

• Did you deny there was a problem?

• Did you deny the problem was serious?

• Was denial a part of your response?

• Was denial helpful or harmful as you dealt with the crisis?

What problem or problems caused your divorce?

• Alcohol

• Drugs

• Physical abuse

• Emotional abuse

• Another person

• Emotional neglect