Chapter Two

ANGER

Anger is an intense resentment of hurts or mistreatments from a divorce. Anger is also a keen displeasure aroused by the hurts or mistreatments and is usually accompanied by a desire to punish.

Example: one lady in a recovery class described this incident, "I didn't know what came over me. I saw his car parked in the parking of some apartments and I knew he was visiting his girlfriend. I got some shaving cream and completely covered the windows of the car and hung this nasty sign on the front of the car. I had never done anything like this before. Then I waited out of sight to see their reaction. I was so angry that to do this made me feel so good."

Anger is a God-given emotion and should be dealt with in the following ways. The first way is to confront the problem. You have an anger inside you and you are approaching the danger of being consumed by its destruction. The possibility of much more anger is greater during the divorce process. You need also to admit where you are, divorced, and alone—nothing is the same anymore. You must come to terms with reality. It is a different kind of anger that usually hasn't been experienced before. This kind of anger can spread like wild fire and keep you from making progress. Secondly you do not need to hold a grudge toward the ex-spouse. To do so can easily turn to bitterness. Not all anger is wrong. It is a legitimate emotion and should be controlled. There is such a thing as righteous indignation. Christ became angry and drove the money changers out of the temple. Most of us were taught it's not permissible to feel anger. Now we have to relearn that it is okay after all. This

may be easy to do intellectually, but is much more difficult with our emotions. Now is the time you need to practice the principle of by the act of you will you can do this by making a choice of refusing to let the anger control you. This choice is made with your intellect. Your emotions or feelings are slow to catch up. Keep in mind there is a difference between your feelings of anger and the way you express it. Your trust and the bond of your marriage has been broken so your feelings of anger are appropriate and realistic for the situation, the feeling fits the event.

Anger that is not controlled becomes aggressive, spreads like wild fire and becomes dangerous. Uncontrolled anger leads to depression and causes you to become a miserable unhappy person. One of the most destructive things to look for during a divorce is when children are being used for expressing anger at the ex-spouse. One parent makes the children spy during the visitation. Another parent will not allow the other to see the children until child support has been paid, which also produces fiery anger.

Anger serves as a place of protection. We are either an overly nice person or a bitter person. The overly nice person or very sweet person protects themselves by not recognizing their true feelings of anger. This causes them to become a silent and closed person. The bitter person gets angry with ease and ends up complaining and blaming the ex-spouse rather than taking responsibility for themselves. You are responsible for these angry feelings because they are yours and no one else's. Taking responsibility for anger takes a long time for some people. It requires maturity and a lot of strength on your part.

Four Responses to Anger

Rage

There are four responses to anger. The first response is

rage, which is very negative. Anger from a divorce is an extreme rage. This response always gets you in trouble. You become vindictive and overpowering. This response shows up in a very brisk walk, quick body language, anxiety and restlessness. You will react to your ex-spouse by engaging in battles instead of responding to them. You will vent anger in a manner that reinforces old patterns. One event after another seems to snowball into each other an you find yourself in a rage which starts to consume you. You will try to change the mind of the ex- spouse. This always fails becase you try to exercise power over another that you don't have. You experience disappointment and begin to feel overwhelmed. Your resistance becomes lowered. You can only think, "How dare them," and you will be obsessively furious for long periods of time. It becomes difficult to rid your mind of these thoughts and emotions. You will easily attack the ex-spouse and become suspicious of them as well as other people. Threats from the ex-spouse can cause you to have a lot of mind conversations which make the situation worse than it really is. The rage reaction of screams and loss of temper can cause wear and tear on your coping system and prevent you from making intelligent decisions.

Repression

The second response to anger is repression, and is also negative. This response to anger comes from blaming your ex- spouse, friends, family, Church and God. You may be smiling on the outside but deep down you are boiling. We often repress anger because we continue to let the problem go on and do or say nothing about it. Repressed anger can cause health problems. Do not deny anger and remember it is a normal emotion.

Redirection

The third response is redirection and is a positive one. You need to direct your anger into constructive energy. Find a sport or hobby you enjoy. Do some things you have always wanted to do. Do anything that is good and productive for you.

Resolution

The fourth response is resolution and is also another positive response. You need to resolve any and all differences that are possible with your ex-spouse. Most broken marriages are not reconcilable so make every effort to be civil when possible.

Describe in your journal three things that have devastated you through your divorce. Examples: dreams you made with your ex-spouse; loss of a complete ex-family; having to start over. Now make the choice to let each of them go by the act of your will. You must do this in order to grow past this place in your life and become a whole person again. Your ex-spouse may have been the major cause in your divorce but you will need to stop blaming them for their actions. Don't expect family and friends to provide your happiness at this point. Let go of the anger you have for yourself for not performing well in your marriage. Accept responsibility for the mistakes which contributed to any problems. Turn loose of responsibility of trying to change the mind of your ex-spouse. Example: you try to tell them how they think, how they should feel, how they should act in certain situations.

The following suggestions could be a turning point in your life. Learn to apply these positive principles of controlling your anger.

The first principle is to wait. This gives you time to formulate an active rather than a reactive response (Active being positive, reactive being negative). Focus on the positive action of making the choice to let go of all the thoughts and statements that were made by the ex-spouse. Taking a positive action can

prevent you from returning to a state of anger again. The second principle is to communicate. Do not use sly remarks, poisonous or hateful words or gossip for protection. We have words available for negotiation. Verbal withdrawal on your part leads into one-sided conversations with no end. Speak honestly and frankly with your ex-spouse and let them know how you feel and what you have been through without the emotions of anger or rage. The third principle is to become active when you are faced with an enraging situation over which you have no immediate control. Do something constructive. Exercise, swim, paint, etc. until you are so tired and relaxed that the rage has passed.

Constructive anger is an emotion that gives us strength to get through the situation of divorce or to face an otherwise intolerable situation. You need to get angry enough to make the necessary action in some situations. Taking action when you need to will pull you up from any type of depression. When you are a passive person, self-pity will start to set in and everything will be "poor me, why did this have to happen to me," "maybe everything would have worked out," or "it wasn't so bad." These kinds of thoughts will lead to depression. Anger that is constructive and not so destructive must be dealt with openly and quickly. It is important to let your ex-spouse know that they have hurt you. You must not take responsibility for their actions. You need to exercise forgiveness and not be accusing. This is done by the choice of the act of your will. When this principle is followed through correctly your ex-spouse will not be able to strip you of your self-esteem. You need to realize that the experience of anger is a result of the experiences of intimacy. The moment we permit ourselves to get close to another person we become emotionally dependent. You also need to be aware that when you confront your ex-spouse you expose yourself to disappointment, but at the same time you also expose yourself to growth. When you grow in the experience of a divorce you receive benefits from them. One of the benefits is being clear in your thinking of

how to handle yourself with your ex-spouse. What you need to say and do not need to say. You are now better equipped to make wise decisions that perhaps you were not able to make before. Example: one participant in the recovery program was a passive person, but once they confronted the ex-spouse as to how hurt they were through the divorce they were able to sleep in the bedroom they once shared again. She also was able to discuss the issues at hand. This is what we mean by growth. Constructive anger is also the kind of anger that leads you to take positive action and become a balanced person again.

ANGER

Summary

1. What is anger?

Anger is an intense resentment of hurts or mistreatments. Anger is also a keen displeasure aroused by hurts or mistreatments.

2. Is anger wrong?

Anger is a God-given emotion. Not all anger is wrong. Anger is a legitimate feeling but must be controlled. Anger serves as a place of protection.

3. There are four basic attitudes of anger.

*Rage *Repression *Redirection *Resolution

4. Were you the active or the passive person in the divorce?

The passive one is when the divorce happened to them. They hang on hoping the ex-spouse will return, and when confronted they are shocked and then the grief starts. They are confused and bothered by the attitudes of the ex-spouse.

The active person is one who instigates the divorce. They began the grieving process long before the marriage was over. After the grieving process is over, the active one seems carefree and has already reached the point of acceptance.

Describe in your journal the forms your anger took.