Chapter Three

BARGAINING

Bargaining can best be explained as trying to find a simple solution to a complex problem. You want a change to take place now! ! ! There are times when you feel like you would do almost anything to make things different and to make the pain go away. You start to think, "Maybe it would be all right if we go back and try again." "Other people had it worse than I did." "Things weren't so bad after all." Your mind will start the conversation games that everything will work out and we will all be happy again.

Some of the effective or ineffective ways of bargaining:

Perhaps you contact the ex-spouse and make an offer to try again making all these promises, or maybe the ex-spouse called you to come back and made some promises such as: "I promise it will never happen again." "I promise not to drink, run around on you or do drugs if you will come back or take me back." Will the bargaining work out or fall apart? The following can and perhaps will happen. You and your ex-spouse have gone back together in hopes of reconciling and you find that each of you are no longer the same person. Changes took place in you as it did with your ex-spouse. You discovered trust is no longer there. You each want to know the whereabouts of the other when one of you is the least bit late.

Shouldn't you work for reconciliation at any cost? You need to realize at this point you just can't walk back into each others' lives and move back in together as though you were the same people. You cannot pick up where you left off. You cannot pretend things and feelings did not happen. You need to meet

each other on a different level and build from there, if there is a chance of reconciliation. At this point you need to take time to be able to trust again and find respect for each other. Bargaining is still a stage of the non-acceptance of the divorce and can be one last attempt to change circumstances so as to avoid pain. There will also be times that you can't work anything out with your ex-spouse. Bargaining can get ugly if your ex-spouse starts to take action to try to control and head off the process of the divorce. Example: one party did not want to live with the other one, and each time they went to sign the papers he either would not show up or cause a problem. There are threats from the ex- spouse as to what steps they will take to prevent the divorce from taking place. You or your ex-spouse cannot continue to live in a world of fantasy. For example, if your ex-spouse continues to say they want a divorce, it is a fantasy to suggest counseling to them. The plea here is merely a ploy to avoid dealing with reality.

How do you feel about yourself or your situation now? Angry . . . humble . . . confused . . . doubting . . .

sympathetic . . . mistrusting . . . hopeful . . . cynical . . .

Describe any other in your journal.

When you realize you can't bargain your way back into the marriage, you will probably go up and down the slippery slopes of your emotions, from denial to anger, then eventually into depression. At this point you will realize all of your efforts are futile. True reconciliation requires changes in attitudes and behavior. It's not merely a matter of moving back in together.

BARGAINING

Summary

What is bargaining?

Bargaining is a denial of feelings. Bargaining is manipulation.

How can bargaining be effective?

Bargaining can be effective when you learn to come to terms with reality.

How can bargaining be ineffective?

Bargaining can be ineffective when you try to change the ex- spouse. Recall ways that you bargained with your ex-spouse. Examples: it will never happen again, things will be different, I will never drink or see anyone else again, if you will come back to me or take me back.

All the bargaining falls apart when:

• Your plea was denied.

• You discovered trust was no longer there.

Describe in your journal any bargaining tactics which you have used.