Chapter Five

GUILT

Feelings of guilt are natural because we tried our best to make a significant contribution to the marriage. Unjust guilt is what we feel simply because the marriage failed and because divorce is socially and religiously unacceptable. When your ex- spouse asked for a divorce can you think of an area where you were guilty of tearing down the marriage? If you can, you need to admit it and make restitution if necessary. Now you can turn this into a constructive way to grow into a better person and be able to enjoy better relationships in the future. Now you have seen a weak area and can turn it into a strength. False guilt comes in several forms. Usually from the words and actions of other people, and more likely from a manipulative person. It is important to establish a new place for us to fit into and be able to understand where our identity is. We need to know WHO WE ARE! ! ! We need to understand and feel comfortable with being a divorced person. We feel guilty when the ex-spouse attempts to justify themselves before old friends or family members in order to look good in their eyes.

When there are old friends that you haven't seen for a while, it can be difficult for us to relate to them. You feel a need to explain things to them. This will cause guilty feelings.

Another form of false guilt comes from the incorrect opinions and beliefs of other people. We tend to carry a bag of guilt that isn't necessary. We feel the humiliation of being the "odd" person in a couple oriented society. Remarks such as "you should be married or should have stayed married because you are the kind to be married." Society stresses this kind of thinking because it's functional to be married and it's pleasing to God to be married and not divorced . . .

This kind of thinking threatens our stability and mind conversations will start such as "if I had not gotten a divorce?" etc.

Learn to recognize guilt game attitudes (Examples: "I give up! I am not going to try anymore," "I feel worthless so therefore I am guilty").

The rebellious attitude: "I'll show you." When we adopt this kind of thinking we soon become a closed person. It will show up in the way you walk and the way you look. Your whole countenance will shout this attitude. This will cause you to lose rewarding relationships. Another example is "I'm not that bad of a person." This attitude denies any wrong doing on our part and automatically blames the ex-spouse. This is an unrealistic view of ourselves. Still another example is "I'm sorry." When you say this all the time we acknowledge superficial faults in order to get rid of the pain. We become well-adjusted when we recognize the difference between justifiable and unjustifiable guilt. When we face and examine our true and false guilt we no longer play the guilt games. We become open to the wrong that we have done. We become willing to make restitution when necessary. We become willing to be honest and forgiving. We try to build a civil relationship. At this point, you need to stop and think back in your mind where the guilt lies. Would you have done things differently? If so, you have no real guilt. You need to realize that you are a different person now and you think differently.

GUILT

Summary

Discover if guilt feelings are natural or false. True guilt—the good or bad contribution you made to the marriage. False guilt—words of others, actions of others. Recognize the guilt games: defeated attitude, an attitude of rebellion, acknowledging your superficial faults.

Describe in your journal what kind of guilt you had and how you have dealt with it.