i am that i am
I proceeded to depart, witnessing the structure's current state of desolation, utterly decimated... Engulfed in flames, though I anticipate the arrival of individuals who will promptly quell this conflagration.
After a few moments of traversing, I emerged from the encompassing woodland...
SOME TIME HAS ELAPSED.
Presently, I am strolling along the city thoroughfares, exuding an air of tranquility, yet my ruminations are fixated on that introspective counseling session... I sensed an inclination to articulate further, perchance unveiling a more intimate aspect of my being to Eve, divulging additional facets of my existence...
Internal Dialogue: Ah... perchance it behooves me to engage in another discourse with Eve...
And after a brief interval, I commenced my journey towards the destination where Eve plies her vocation.
Following a few minutes of perambulation, I eventually caught sight of the edifice where Eve conducts her professional endeavors...
Internal Dialogue: ...
Subsequently, I proceeded towards the entrance of the aforementioned structure, and upon reaching the grand doors, I proceeded to open them...
Thereupon, I stepped into the edifice.
Internal Dialogue: ...
A sense of unfamiliarity engulfed me as I found myself in this place, a haven where one could engage in discourse with knowledgeable individuals well-versed in matters of mental well-being...
The environment triggered memories of Eric... that eccentric doctor whom I had regrettably taken the life of.
Recollections resurfaced of our conversations, delving into the depths of my afflictions... and it feels like a lifetime ago, a span of approximately sixteen years...
And now, once again, I find myself on the verge of consulting a therapist, the very same being named Eve.
Within the confines of the building, I observed a multitude of humans, deities, and celestial beings, diligently carrying out their respective tasks.
After a brief interlude, I embarked on the path leading to Eve's office...
While traversing, my gaze was captivated by the awe-inspiring beauty of certain human females... Some of these remarkable women stood at least ten feet tall, boasting alluring curves and adorned in exquisite garments...
A few of them diligently performed their duties or found respite in their surroundings, while I continued my journey toward Eve's office. After a few minutes elapsed, I arrived at the door that granted access to her sanctum.
Promptly, I tapped on the door's surface, and within moments, it swung open, revealing Eve's countenance...
Upon seeing me, a faint trace of bewilderment flickered within her eyes...
Eve: Liran? What brings you here?
Me: I desire to engage in another therapeutic session...
Upon hearing my words, Eve exhibited a sense of surprise...
Eve: Are you alright? What troubles you?
Me: Please, may I enter your office?
Eve: Very well...
Eve gracefully stepped aside, allowing me to pass through.
Within a matter of seconds, I found myself within the confines of her office.
As I entered, Eve closed the door behind me, and after a brief pause, she made her way to the couch situated on the opposite side of her office. Once she reached it, she turned towards me, casting her gaze downward.
Eve: Come hither, let us converse...
I began my approach toward the couch, yet before I could reach it, I paused...
Eve: ?...
Me: Might you create a diminutive chair upon which I could rest?
Eve: Certainly.
With a mere thought, Eve conjured a small chair into existence, materializing right before me on the floor. I carefully lifted the chair and placed it behind me. After a brief moment, I settled myself onto its cushioned surface...
Eve: Very well...
Eve settled herself onto the couch, her gaze focused upon me.
Eve: Are you feeling alright? Please, share with me how your day has unfolded...
Me: Well, it has been tolerable. I encountered some challenges with a few individuals, but nothing out of the ordinary...
Eve: Understood. Is there anything else that has been weighing on your mind recently?
Me: You know, even when life seems pleasant, it can still be accompanied by a certain degree of stress...
Eve: I comprehend. However, what specifically troubles you? Are these feelings you describe as "strange" and "distressing"?
Me: I'm simply uncertain...
Eve: Hm... I have a question to pose...
Me: Please, go ahead...
Eve: Have you considered the use of medication, perhaps?
Me: No, I have not...
Eve: I see. And what about spirituality or religious beliefs? Do you believe in a higher power? Do you think that such a deity could offer you assistance?
Me: I am unsure... Why do you ask?
Eve: Let us imagine, for a moment, that this "god" possesses the ability to aid you. What are your thoughts on such a proposition?
After Eve posed the question, I slowly raised my gaze to meet her face.
Me: So, this is the purported function of a deity? To provide assistance...
Eve remained silent, offering no immediate response to my query.
I then directed my attention towards the ceiling, contemplating for a moment, before shifting my gaze back to the couch upon which Eve sat.
A contemplative silence enveloped the room, until I eventually spoke again:
Me: Why did this supposed god not come to the aid of my mother when she inexplicably disappeared? While the guilty party remains at large...
Eve: ...
Me: Very well, let us set aside my mother for now...
What about my dear friend, an innocent soul violated and brutally slain for no discernible reason?
Eve appeared profoundly taken aback by these inquiries, yet she remained silent, unable to find words to respond.
Me: Very well, let us also cast that aside...
What about the myriad of futile and devoid-of-meaning conflicts and casualties that were waged in his name?...
.
.
.
What about all those individuals with racist, discriminatory, and sexist inclinations, shaped by such ideologies... solely attributable to him?...
Eve: ...
Me: I am not exclusively referring to a particular religious doctrine; I am encompassing every existing religious belief...
Religion, indeed, presents itself as a bane... conceived with the intention of exerting control over the human psyche... its inception was driven by the purpose of instilling hope within those individuals who experience a deficiency of dopamine in their cerebral faculties...
Its creation serves the purpose of endowing these deluded individuals with a semblance of "purpose" in their lives, as they harbor an aversion towards the veracity... that there exists no absolute truth!
That there is no meaning!...
Im a crazy and a delusional man, but im not crazy and delusional enough to believe in that bullshit!
Eve: If existence lacks inherent significance... what is the rationale behind our existence?
Upon hearing that, I proceeded to rise from my seat and directed my gaze towards Eve's countenance...
Me: Allow me to rephrase and modify that inquiry slightly...
.
.
.
Why didnt i kill myself... when i could have easily done so?
Eve: i... dont know...
Me: i didnt kill myself, because i wanted to live...
I have witnessed the demise of individuals whom I hold dear... I have experienced a juncture in my life where I was stripped of everything I possessed, and yet... I endure, alive, with breath in my lungs and words upon my lips...
.
.
.
So you see... the presence of a deity is not a prerequisite for imbuing one's life with purpose. It is entirely within our capacity to forge our own significance...
Hence, I do not subscribe to the belief in a god or adhere to any religious doctrines. Regardless of the existence or non-existence of an actual divine entity, it holds no significance to me, for the ultimate issue lies in the construct of organized religion...
So fuck religion...
Eve: I comprehend your perspective. Now, I am curious to learn about your other endeavors...
As I diverted my gaze from Eve's visage, my eyes fell upon the couch upon which she sat...
Me: Individuals often burden themselves with excessive concerns regarding the future and dwellings of the past, oblivious to the fact that they hold little significance...
What truly matters is the present moment, the here and now.
Subsequently, I shifted my gaze upwards, meeting Eve's eyes once more...
Me: There is no future ahead of me and there is no past before me,
I exist because im simply here,
.
.
.
I am that i am
.
.
.
After uttering those words, I averted my gaze from Eve's countenance.
Following a brief pause, I directed my attention towards the door through which Eve had initially welcomed me into her office.
After another short contemplation, I spoke once more:
Me: I apologize, but I think I should take my leave now...
Eve: That's alright. You can go and find some rest. I understand your frustration, and I appreciate that you came here to express what's been troubling you...
I genuinely value our conversation.
Me: Thank you. Could you please open the door for me?
Eve: Of course... I'll see you later...
Eve then snapped her fingers, causing the door of her office to swing open.
A few minutes have elapsed.
I now find myself outside the building where Eve practices. I begin walking back to my residence...
Me (in my thoughts): Wow, that was quite an experience... and it was strangely liberating to express myself in such a manner. It was an intriguing encounter indeed...
.
.
.