Part 7
As expected, it was raining on March 3rd of the 2,602nd iteration. I went to school a bit earlier than last time and avoided the spot where the accident occurred, although I had to take a detour. I did so in order to ward off Otonashi-san's attack…or, truth be told, I simply didn't want to see that scene again.
Daiya is already present when I arrive at the classroom. He comes over when he sees me.
"What's wrong, Daiya?"
For some reason Daiya doesn't answer right away. He looks deep into my eyes. He's as good at hiding his feelings as ever, but I can still tell that something weird is going on.
"...about the novel we talked about yesterday."
Daiya makes it a point to speak indifferently. He's referring to the 'novel', but he's actually talking about 'my current situation'.
"There's something that's been bothering me. Why doesn't the transfer student lose her memories like the protagonist?"
I can't answer his question, because I don't understand why he's even talking about this.
"Even the protagonist—the creator of that Rejecting Classroom—loses his memories. So even if we assume that the transfer student possesses some special power, wouldn't it be too convenient for her to automatically retain the memories of the recurrences? I think it would be better to have the protagonist and transfer student both be able to retain their memories by employing the same method."
"…you might be right."
I agree without thinking much about the deeper meaning of what he's saying. Maybe I am unable to fully grasp his words because he's still framing this as part of a 'novel'.
"The protagonist was able to keep his memories because he saw a corpse, right?"
"…I think so."
"The corpse was result of a truck accident, right? There's no way the transfer student who's gone through the same day 2,601 times, wouldn't know of this truck, right? If the transfer student was involved with the accident, then it was without a doubt intentional. That's why you said that the 'friend of the protagonist' 'got killed'."
I nod.
"But something bothered me about this scenario."
"Why? Am I wrong?"
"No, not at all. It's certainly an effective attack against the protagonist…but only if we assume that he will retain his memories. There's no meaning in a successful attack if the protagonist forgets it right away."
"I don't get what you're trying to say…"
"The goal of the transfer student is to steal the box from the protagonist, right?"
"Yeah."
"Try to think from the transfer student's perspective. The transfer student finally found the person she's been searching for—the protagonist. Although the transfer student could have kept quiet, she openly explained the situation to the protagonist. A clueless opponent versus an opponent who was attacked and is thus on guard—who'd be easier to steal the box from? Of course it'd be the clueless opponent. So why do you think the transfer student explained the situation to the protagonist?"
"Err…because the transfer student thought the protagonist would forget?"
"Right. She concluded that it wouldn't matter. That she told him at all was probably just a way for her to idly entertain herself; you might also call it negligence."
"But the accident could only occur intentionally, right? So it must have been an attack on me…"
"I guess it was intentional. But try to think like this: the transfer student didn't predict that the protagonist would see the corpse."
In other words, the purpose of the accident wasn't to attack me?
I reflect on his words once again.
"Ah—"
I hastily look around the classroom. The transfer student—Aya Otonashi—isn't here. She's surely still at the site of the accident.
"No way…that's totally abnormal!"
"Of course. There's no way that a person who has adapted to 2,602 loops could stay completely sane."
Aya Otonashi killed someone.
She did so not to attack me, but in order to retain her own memories.
I remember. I really don't want to, but I remember. This accident didn't happen for the first time during the 2,601st loop. She may have already caused it to happen during each of the 2,600 other loops.
So will she continue to kill people in order to 'transfer'?
Will I be forced to silently observe her murders?
Will Haruaki be killed again this time?
"—Haruaki!"
"Mh? What's wrong, Hoshii?"
Haruaki has entered the classroom just now and stands beside the door.
What does this mean? Haruaki isn't the target?…right, there's no need for him to be the corpse, is there?
"Well, enough with your novel, Kazu…let's get to the point," Daiya continues while ignoring Haruaki.
"It seems there was an accident a short while ago."
Daiya takes a deep breath and says, "Aya Otonashi was run over by a truck."
What—?
Aah, I see.
Even if she's the target, she doesn't care.
4,609th time[]
"Haruaki was run over by a truck."
5,232nd time[]
"Kasumi Mogi was run over by a truck."
27,753rd time[]
Our class is playing soccer during P.E.
Because I got a nosebleed, I am resting on Mogi-san's lap.
I suddenly start to wonder about her feelings. Could it be that by letting me rest on her lap, she is trying, even if just a tiny bit, to attract my interest?
I haven't the foggiest—she is as expressionless as ever when I casually peek up at her.
"…Mogi-san"
"What is it?"
"What are you thinking about right now?"
"Eh?"
Mogi-san tilts her head, but she doesn't seem to have a response. Her only reaction to my question is a bewildered look.
This makes me start to wonder—if it's so hard to recognize my partner's feelings, can love really progress?
Why did I fall in love with such a difficult girl?
Really—when on earth did I first fall in love with her?
I try to remember.
"...Huh?"
"…What's wrong?" Mogi-san asks when I make a sudden sound.
"N-No…nothing!"
My face probably isn't signaling 'nothing.' Mogi-san is aware of that. But since she doesn't have the social skills to question me about it, she stays silent and refrains from saying anything.
I stand up without warning Mogi-san.
"Ah, um…it seems my nosebleed has stopped."
"…mh."
Our conversation ends with these plain words.
Why did I voluntarily abandon such a wonderful situation? I might never have another chance at such bliss.
But—it's impossible.
Because no matter how hard I try—I can't remember.
I can't remember. I can't remember. I can't remember!…I can't remember when I fell in love with her!
Why did I fall in love? What was the trigger? Or was I simply attracted to her before I knew it, even without any special event?
I should know this; how could I possibly forget, but…I can't remember, no matter how hard I try.
It wasn't love at first sight, and we have almost nothing in common besides the fact that we're classmates.
And yet, why did this happen out of the blue? It can't have been a completely spontaneous awakening of love, can i—
"—no way…"
Although hard to believe, it's the only thing I can think of. A completely spontaneous awakening of love.
"What's wrong? Are you alright?…Should we go to the nurse's office?"
Mogi-san makes her suggestion as calmly as ever. I am indeed very happy that she's worried about me. Simply happy. This feeling is not fake.
"…I'm alright. I was just thinking about something."
I repeatedly ask myself whether this is some kind of mistake. But the more I think about it, the more true it seems.
I wasn't attracted to Mogi-san.
Until when? Right—
—I wasn't attracted to her until yesterday.
"—Ah, I see."
I look at Aya Otonashi, the transfer student who is just standing around in the middle of the yard.
When was the event that attracted me to Mogi-san? —ah, that's easy. It wasn't yesterday. But today I am already in love. So when was it?
It was only possible—sometime between yesterday and today.
During the more than 20,000 loops that occurred due to the Rejecting Classroom.
Ah, I remembered. Only a fragment, but I probably remembered more than usual. Still, it's but a fragment, so most of my memories remain lost.
I have lost my most important memory—how I fell in love with Mogi-san. And I definitely won't regain this memory. I can't share anything with Mogi-san. An unrequited love I can't do anything about, no matter how much time passes; only my feelings will grow stronger.
No, it may be more than that. This love might disappear as soon as the Rejecting Classroom ends. I mean, this love shouldn't even exist in the absence of the Rejecting Classroom.
That's strange. That's definitely strange. This love is no lie.
But still, is this love a fake that couldn't exist in the absence of the box?
A sudden gust of wind blows. It lifts up Mogi-san's skirt. I wonder why I have a faint feeling that I've already seen these light blue panties?
No, I am familiar with them.
I know that Mogi-san is wearing light blue panties today.
Just as I know that Aya Otonashi has sacrificed Kasumi Mogi more than anyone else in order to retain her own memories.
Therefore, I decide—
To defend this Rejecting Classroom.
✵
This time, Aya Otonashi doesn't approach me first.
Actually, the same thing might have happened during the last loop. My memories are vague, but I think this situation has persisted for a while.
Aya Otonashi is eating alone during lunch break, chewing her sandwich with great weariness.
This time it is I who approaches her.
Just by doing so, my body stiffens and my heartbeat accelerates. Otonashi-san's rejection of others has become a massive barrier, powerful enough to apply pressure all on its own.
"…Otonashi-san."
I ready myself and call out to her. However, Otonashi-san doesn't even turn around. This close up, there's no way she didn't hear me, so I continue anyway.
"I have something to discuss."
"I don't."
She turns me down without batting an eye.
"Otonashi-san."
No reaction. She just continues to halfheartedly chew on her sandwich.
She seems to plan to ignore me no matter what I say. In that case I simply have to make it impossible for her to ignore me.
The right trigger springs to mind after I think a bit.
"…Maria."
The chewing motions of her mouth come to a stop.
"I have something to discuss."
She still doesn't even look at me. She also doesn't say anything.
The classroom is dead silent. Our classmates are all looking at us while holding their breaths.
Otonashi-san finally seems to lose her patience and sighs.
"I never thought you'd say that name. Seems like you've remembered quite a lot this time."
"Yeah, so—"
"Even so, there's nothing to discuss with you."
Once again she begins to listlessly chew her sandwich.
"Why!"
My classmates focus on me once I suddenly start shouting.
"Why?! Aren't I the person you have to deal with?! So why don't you even try listening to me!?"
"Why, you ask?" she sneers. "You honestly don't know? Ha! Look at how stupidly you're acting once again. You never think for yourself. Why should I associate with a person like that?"
"…I don't know how I've acted previously."
"Previously? How foolish. What's different about you now? You're just the same!"
"How can you say for sure? Maybe I'm going to offer you my help. In that case—"
"It basically doesn't matter."
Otonashi-san spits out these words without even letting me finish.
I am about to instinctively object. But this objection is erased by Otonashi-san's next sentence.
"Because you haven't made this proposal just two or three times already."
"Eh—?"
I am so stunned that my jaw practically drops. Curling her mouth up slightly, Otonashi-san rewraps her half-eaten sandwich and speaks:
"Very well. I'm forced to spend my time on plenty of useless things anyway. This isn't just the second or third time I'm giving you this explanation, but I'll tell you anyway."
Otonashi-san stands up and starts to walk away.
I have no choice but to quietly follow her.
✵
As always, she leads me to the rear of the school building. And as always, Otonashi-san leans against the wall.
"I'll say this right at the beginning. I won't have a conversation with you. You will just listen to my words like an idiot."
"…I can decide that on my own."
I say so to be a bit rebellious, but Otonashi-san just stabs me a cold glare.
"Hoshino, do you know which iteration this is? No, you don't. This is the 27,753rd iteration."
That number is far too outrageous.
"…did you specifically count each time?"
"Yeah, since there's no way to confirm the number if I stop counting even once. If I forget to do so, I'll lose myself. Thus, I'm always keeping count."
It's certainly a bit calming if you know how many steps you've taken towards an unknown destination.
"I have repeated everything so many times. I have already tried almost all possible ways to approach you. I can't even imagine anything I haven't tried yet."
"That's why you think talking to me is pointless?"
"Yeah."
"You're not even trying to persuade me to hand the box over to you?"
"I have already given up on that long ago."
"Why? At some point within these recurrences, I should have been cooperative at least once."
"Yeah, of course. There were iterations when you treated me with hostility, and there were also times when you cooperated. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Either way, you never hand over the box."
I didn't hand over the box even when I was cooperating?…well, it figures. I wouldn't be here 'now' if Otonashi-san had obtained the box.
"Just confirming: you're sure that I own the box, right?"
"That's been a matter for constant internal debate. But my conclusion is always the same. Kazuki Hoshino is, without a doubt, the owner."
"Why do you think so?"
"There aren't as many suspects as you may think. The full explanation would take me too long to explain so I'll cut it short: it's impossible for the few plausible suspects to deceive me all 27,753 times. Hence, you're the only possible owner. Furthermore, there's inarguable circumstantial evidence that's unrelated to the Rejecting Classroom, right?"
She was right—I had previously met the distributor of the box—'*'.
"Regardless, you never take out the box. Rather, you can't. I marked you as the owner more than 20,000 iterations ago."
"So you've given up?"
This Otonashi-san who spares no effort in order to obtain a box?
"I have not given up. I just cannot obtain the box. Let's assume you're searching for a 100 yen coin that should be in your wallet, but you can't find it however many times you turn your wallet inside out. Searching every corner of the wallet is easy. Still, you can't find the coin. In that case you have to assume that the coin isn't there anymore. Just like that, over these 27,753 recurrences I've come to the conclusion that 'I cannot obtain the box from Kazuki Hoshino'."
Otonashi-san scowls at me for a moment and turns away.
"Well then, the side show has ended. Still want to say something?"
"…Yeah! That's why I wanted to talk to you in the first place."
I have to say it.
I have decided. I have decided to defend the Rejecting Classroom.
Otonashi-san, who has come to kill Mogi-san countless times, I will make her—
"I will make you, Otonashi-san, no, Aya Otonashi—"
"—an enemy?"
"—huh?!"
She easily predicted my bold move to oppose her. And she's still uninterested and wants to ignore me.
When she sees that I am speechless and shocked from the bottom of my heart, Otonashi-san lets out a sigh. She reluctantly turns to me.
"Hoshino, do you still not understand? How much time do you think I've spent together with you, idiot-boy? This is just another pattern that I've already repeated often enough to be tired of. There's no way I wouldn't see through it, is there?"
"W-What—"
I've made such a bold move countless times already?
Why was it completely ineffective every time?
"Incidentally, let me tell you one other thing. Even if your beliefs shaped your decision to oppose me, and you tried to maintain those memories across each iteration: in the end you'd abandon your opposition. I'm dead sure."
"T-There's no—"
After all, it would mean that I'd come to terms with her killing Mogi-san; that I'd choose to erase my feelings for Mogi-san.
"You can't believe me? Want me to tell you the reason that I've heard you state so many times before?"
I bite my lips.
Otonashi-san considers the conversation concluded and turns away.
"Your values could outlast more than 20,000 repetitions without trouble. I'll give you credit for that."
I spontaneously raise my head.
Did she just 'acknowledge' me? Otonashi-san?
"Wait a moment."
There is one more thing I must ask, no matter what.
Otonashi-san turns her head toward me.
"You've stopped trying to retrieve the box from me, right?"
"Yeah. Didn't I say so?"
"Then…what are you planning to do from now on?"
There is no change in Otonashi-san's expression. She still gazes straight at me without averting her eyes.
Her extremely straightforward gaze forces me to lower my eyes in response.
"Ah—"
In that instant…Otonashi-san walks away without saying anything else.
Without having answered my question.
✵
Otonashi-san didn't return to the classroom afterwards—maybe she went home.
My fifth period class is mathematics. I can't understand the formulas right away, although I've probably seen them a gazillion times already. Instead, I watch Mogi-san the entire time.
Will I really abandon Mogi-san? Will I really break off my feelings for her of my own accord?
No. That isn't possible. It doesn't matter what my past self thought.
My current self won't give up on Mogi-san. That's all that matters.
Fifth period ends.
I immediately head over to Mogi-san. She notices me and looks back at me with her almond eyes. My body stiffens like a stone. My heart loses its usual rhythm.
Just from looking at her. It demonstrates that what I'm about to tell her is truly special.
It's an action I would never take in my usual everyday life.
But I can't help it. I can't think of any other way to retain my memories.
I can't think of another method besides confessing to Mogi-san.
"…Mogi-san"
I guess I'm making a pretty strange face right now. Mogi-san looks at me inquisitively and inclines her head.
"Err, there's something I'd like to—"
'Please wait until tomorrow.'
"—ah"
An image passes through my mind. A voice starts arbitrarily replaying in my head. I feel a sensation so clear and bright, it hurts as if glass were thrust into my eyes, ears and brain.
My chest is pulsating aggressively as if it were being beaten by a hammer.
N-No—
I don't want to remember. Even though I don't want to remember. Even though I repeatedly wanted to erase that memory, it doesn't disappear. Even though I can forget any other memory, no matter how significant, this is the one I cannot forget.
Yeah, that's right—
A long time ago—I already confessed to Mogi-san.
"…what's wrong?"
"...sorry, it's nothing."
I put some distance between us. Mogi-san raises her eyebrows in suspicion but doesn't question me any further.
I return to my seat and let my upper body fall across the desk.
"...I see."
Now that I think about it, it's obvious. After all, I've come to repeat this day over 20,000 times.
I confess to Mogi-san. But I forget. So I confess again. And forget again. In order to resist the Rejecting Classroom, I've made this confession I didn't even want to make, over and over and over and over again, and forgotten it just as many times.
And each time I received the answer I most wanted to avoid hearing.
It's always the same one. It's always the same answer. Well, there's no way it would change. Mogi-san can't retain her memories and thus her answer can't change either.
That answer—
"Please wait until tomorrow."
That's awful. That tomorrow you're speaking of will never come.
I made a peerless resolution, plucked up the courage I'd normally be incapable of, stretched my nerves to the limit—but in the end, my earnest words vanished entirely into oblivion. And then I'm forced to interact with Mogi-san, who has forgotten about my confessions countless times.
…I see. They aren't just voided.
There hasn't been anything to begin with.
This world was empty from the very start. There's no value to be found in a world where everything that happens becomes void. There's just as little value to be found in beautiful things, ugly things, precious things, shabby things, beloved things, hateful things.
For that reason nothing exists. There is only emptiness.
The elusive emptiness called the Rejecting Classroom.
I feel nauseated. I am being forced to breathe in a dreadful environment. While I feel the urge to empty my lungs of air, I can't, as I wouldn't be able to continue living here anymore. I can't live without breathing. But if I continue to breathe in emptiness, my body will become empty as well. I'll become as hollow as a sponge.
Or—was it already too late for me long ago, and have I already become empty?
"What's wrong, Kazu-kun? Are you feeling sick?"
When I hear a familiar voice, I raise my head slowly while still slumped over on my desk. Kokone is standing in front of me, frowning.
"You had a nosebleed during P.E., right? Maybe that's why? If you don't feel well, should we go to the nurse's office?"
"There's no need to worry about him, Kiri. I bet the origin of his illness is the lap he slept on rather than his nosebleed," says Daiya. I hadn't noticed him, but I guess he'd been standing nearby.
"Lap…?…ah! I see! So that's it! Whaaat, just love-sickness…"
Then she grins and slaps me on the shoulders encouragingly.
"Yo-u! You you! Isn't this a bit saucy for you? Please don't get involved with something mature like looove."
"Swayed by such a plain seduction—ludicrous."
"N-No! I've always loved—"
I stop midway. That was a verbal slip on multiple levels. For one thing, I'd admit my feelings for Mogi-san by doing so, but beyond that—
"Ha? You didn't have any special feelings for Mogi until yesterday, did you?"
—it would not be true.
As a matter of fact, I fell in love with her today. It was a sudden awakening on my part, at least from the point of view of Daiya and everyone else. And that's why no one knew of my fondness for her, even though my attitude makes it clearly visible.
"Hey hey, Daiya, it looks like this guy just admitted his unrequited love for Kasumi. Uhihi."
Kokone grins and jabs at Daiya with her elbow.
"Yeah. In the best case scenario this might provide me with some extra entertainment."
"Uhehe…the love of others is fun after all! Mh, Mh. Don't worry. Onee-chan is supporting you! I'll give you advice and help you! If you get dumped, I'll even console you! But should you succeed, I'll kill you, since I'd get irritated."
"No worries. When the two of them start going out, I'll steal her from him."
"Uwaa, that sounds funny! The misfortune of others and muddled love triangles! Superb!"
Those two really are cruel, ignoring my under-the-weather condition.
Well, fortunately XX is not here. If he were, then he'd tread on this opportunity and lead the conversation in a way that would end in a—
"—huh?"
"Mhh? What's the matter, Kazu-kun?"
"No, just…I was wondering where he is. Is he taking today off?"
"Who are you talking about?" Daiya asks with a suspicious look.
That's odd. I thought Daiya would know who I was talking about when I said that.
"You don't know? Naturally it's—"
—err, who?
Huh? Wait a sec! I am…I am about to say a certain person's name. So why have I forgotten not only his name, but also his face?
"…Kazu-kun? What's wrong? Who were you talking about?"
I feel sick, as if I had swallowed something half-liquid and slimy that makes me want to rip out my gullet. But I am lucky to still be able to feel that disgust. If I gulped it down completely and excreted it, then XX would disappear.
"H-Hey…Kazu-kun!"
No problem. I can remember it all. I can remember thanks to that feeling of disgust.
"—Haruaki"
The name of my dear friend. The companion who pledged to be my ally forever.
…I'm only grasping at straws, but I hope anyway. Hope that I'm the only one who forgot about Haruaki for some reason. But I really am an idiot. That hope—
"Hey, Kazu. Who is that 'Haruaki'?"
—could never be fulfilled.
I grit my teeth upon feeling this vexing sensation. Daiya and Kokone frown at my strange behavior.
Those two have forgotten about him—even though as his childhood friends, they've known him far longer than I have.
The fact that 'Haruaki' does not exist here is thrust at me mercilessly, and—
"I'll go home."
—causes a fatal wound.
I stand, pick up my bag, turn my back to them and walk out of the classroom.
I can't endure being here any longer.
Why isn't Haruaki here?
I know why. I know that Haruaki has been 'rejected'.
By whom? That's obvious. He was definitely 'rejected' by the protagonist who created this Rejecting Classroom.
I got it all wrong. I thought the Rejecting Classroom was going to preserve the flow of everyday life forever. How foolish. There is no way that things would work out that way. Everyday life is called everyday life because it flows continuously. If you stop the flow of a river, then mud would gather and paint it black. It's just like that. Sediment has gathered here as well.
Aah, I see. I guess I've noticed this phenomenon many times already. No matter how many loops I endure, I always rediscover this fact. And then I stop opposing Aya Otonashi.
Aya Otonashi will destroy the Rejecting Classroom.
And knowing what I know now, why would I stop her?
The bell rings. Most of my classmates should have returned to their seats by now.
So before leaving the classroom I turn around.
An empty seat. Another empty seat. Another empty seat. And another one over there. Aah…I already realized this, but no one else finds the large number of empty seats unusual.
✵
I probably could've figured it out, but I didn't do so because I didn't want to admit it.
Aya Otonashi has come to the conclusion that it is impossible to retrieve the box from me.
It should be easy enough to end the Rejecting Classroom as soon as you identify the culprit. She's gone through over 20,000 iterations in order to retrieve the box.
So…what should she do?
Isn't it obvious?
My limbs whirl around as I am run over by the truck. It's kinda comical to see my own right leg lying far away from me.
"So it ends here…"
I get 'killed'. I let myself get killed.
"27,753 meaningless recurrences. So all this time ends in completely wasted effort? I have to…I have to admit that even I am getting tired."
To be precise, I'm not dead yet. But lying in a pool of blood, I know: I will die. I will not be rescued. And I've indeed been killed by her.
"Ugh…! I've spent this outrageous amount of time and this is what I get. I've never hated my own impotence more than right now…!" She murmurs with bitter regret.
"…let's move on. Since I couldn't find the box here, I'll just have to seek the next one."
Aya Otonashi's eyes aren't perceiving me anymore. No, surely those eyes have never perceived me properly in the first place.
From start to finish Aya Otonashi has just been looking at the box inside me.
Will this day also be rendered 'void'? No, it won't. If the box called the Rejecting Classroom is inside my body, then it will get smashed when I die. And like my flesh was smashed by the truck, this box is already smashed as well.
This day won't repeat anymore.
Aah, what irony. If this were the only way to end the Rejecting Classroom, then death is the only thing that's been preordained from the start. Well, naturally it's empty. This world was surely—the world after my death.
But with this, our battle comes to an end.
It was a one-sided fight with no surprises, but it has come to an end here.
Yeah…that's what you're convinced of, right? Otonashi-san?
I pity you. I really do, Otonashi-san!
I guess it's because you kept ignoring me. You wouldn't have made such a mistake otherwise.
That's why you wasted so much time.
Listen, Otonashi-san. It's simple enough if you think about it. There's no way that a regular person like me could be the protagonist.
I want to tell her that, but I'm unable to do so anymore. I can't even move my mouth.
My consciousness fades away. I die.
Which—ends nothing.
I am inside a scene that I can only remember within my dreams.
I have accepted the box from him.
"Please be at ease! Usually such a thing comes with a catch, but this one has none. You won't lose anything precious, nor will your soul be stolen. You know, it's not the nature of the box that causes such tragic consequences, it's the nature of the human who uses it. If you use it correctly, your wish will come true without any risk."
If you use it correctly—
Is it really so easy to use it correctly? I don't know. I don't know, but even if using a box is risky, it's still an extraordinary opportunity. It's like a winning lottery ticket. There's always the possibility that you might ruin your life with your sudden wealth. But you wouldn't normally worry about that, right?
So who would ever refuse to accept this box?
"—What's the meaning of this?"
Because here's a person who chooses to return the box.
"Are you holding yourself back for some reason? Do you not believe me? Or—do you fear me?"
Of course I'm worried about all of these issues.
But my primary reason for rejecting the box lies elsewhere. I simply don't need it.
You see, my wish is for my everyday life to continue. I have already attained this goal without any need for that box.
I'm like a trillionaire who doesn't bother to strive for an extra million yen. Of course I'm aware of its value. Even so, I don't need to accept the box from such a mysterious person.
Right. I rejected the box.
Thus—
Even if I did wish for this recurring world so that my everyday life would continue, there's no way that I could be the culprit.
27,753rd time[]
*rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp*—
What is this sound? It's coming from inside me, and so, so soft that I almost fail to notice it—but overlooking it would be a fatal error.
*rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp*—
There's a tiny little rasp being applied to me. Where? Well, the sound comes from within me, so it's shaving away at my insides, of course.
*rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp*—
I have to cover my ears because the sound feels so unbelievably noisy—even though it's not—but doing so just makes it seem even louder. Aah, naturally. Of course I'll hear the sound coming from within me even better when I block off outside sounds. So I can't even cover my ears. I'll never ever be able to escape from the sound of myself being abraded.
And it hurts. Getting abraded always hurts. I bet this is what it feels like when your heart turns into a blowfish—a continuous prickling pain. Are these feelings of guilt? They are more stubborn than I thought; I was sure that guilt would be the first feeling that I'd lose.
*rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp*—
I'm getting abraded.
My heart.
My self.
Aah, if this continues, my insides will lose their shape and crumble into small pieces like wood shavings. No…It's already—too late. I've already been reduced to small fragments.
Over these 20,000 iterations, I lost my sense of self. I'm aware of this. I couldn't endure this boredom and lost my heart. I can't even communicate properly with others anymore.
This world is rejecting me.
Well, of course. From the very start, this was never a place where I belonged. I've forcefully thrust myself into it. Their classroom is constantly rejecting me.
I know how to obtain relief.
But I won't choose to do so.
That is because—my wish hasn't been granted yet.
…Huh? But I have already crumbled into small pieces. So how come the only thing I still retain is this wish? Is this even possible? My wish was abraded along with my heart. As proof—
—I can't remember it.
"—ahaha"
I laugh unintentionally. Right, I can't remember. Ahaha, I can't remember. What was my wish again? Come on, let me remember! Ahaha stop joking with me! Why did I endure the endless torture of these loops? I can only laugh. Though I can only laugh…aah, I have already forgotten how to truly laugh long ago, and so I laugh emotionlessly.
So—I might as well just end it.
An extremely simple conclusion. Why did it take me so long to think of it?
I just have to kill him. Right, I just have to kill him. I just have to kill Kazuki Hoshino. After all, he's the origin of this agony. If I can obtain relief by doing so, then I just have to kill him quickly.
But somehow I know.
These 'shackles' that were once my 'wish' won't ever release me.
27,754th time[]
My body rapidly became cold and then empty. I should have become empty as well, but I open my eyes like normal. Unable to endure the freezing cold that should already have dissipated, I embrace myself on the bed and tremble.
I was killed.
On March 2nd of some loop.
Right, even if I die, the Rejecting Classroom continues unchanged. After realizing this, I feel as though I'm really becoming empty. The frost doesn't seem ready to fade anytime soon.
I can't stand to stay here for very long, so I leave early for school without eating a proper breakfast.
I see the familiar cloudy sky. Tomorrow it's going to rain. I wonder when I've last seen the sun?
Nobody is in the classroom. Well, that's only natural since I'm an hour early.
A question suddenly occurs to me. Why do I so stubbornly revisit my classroom? I've witnessed the recurrence of the Rejecting Classroom many times already; I'm aware of it even now. So can't I just avoid going to school to resist this recurrence?
No…I'll go! Yeah, I'll still go. If I'm healthy, I go to school. This is my everyday life. It's definitely something I wouldn't even dream of changing. An act I'll pursue at any cost; maintaining my everyday life. My one and only faith.
Ah, I see. That might be the reason I'm still here. I don't understand the underlying logic at all, but that's just how I feel.
Even if I end up alone in this classroom.
"——"
I move to the center of the classroom. I climb onto someone's desk without taking off my shoes. I try to silently apologize, but when I attempt to recall whose desk I'm standing on, I can't remember the person's name or face. Still, I really am sorry.
I look around. It's not like I expected to trigger a change by standing on a desk, but there is no one in the dimly lit classroom.
There is no one in the classroom.
There is no one in the classroom.
"...Hm, I'm kinda cold."
I embrace myself.
The classroom door opens with a slight sound. The person coming in immediately spots me standing on his desk and frowns.
"…What are you doing there, Kazu?"
Daiya gives me an uncomfortable look.
After that simple, everyday interaction, my face relaxes.
"...Aah, really, I'm relieved," I murmur, and climb down from the desk. Daiya continues to frown as he watches me. "You know, Daiya, seeing you really calms me down."
"That's…fortunate."
"After all, you're definitely the real Daiya."
"…hey Kazu. For the first time in ages, I'm feeling scared of a human being."
"But you know, even if you're the real Daiya, this world is still a fake everyday life. I can't share anything with you. The next Daiya won't know the current me. It's like I'm the only one outside of the T.V. It's a one-sided relationship. So can I really claim that you're here?"
That's why there is no one here.
—no one?
"Ah—"
No, that's not correct.
There is just one other person here.
There is just one other person who can share memories with me. There is a person who can't escape as long I make sure to retain my memories.
Aah, I see. All this time, only the two of us were inside this Rejecting Classroom. We've been next to each other all the time, unable to break out and not even bothering to try, confined within this tiny, tiny space the size of our classroom. But I never had the chance to realize this because she's been treating me as an enemy.
I sit in my own seat.
Her seat is the one next to mine.
…I can't believe it. Just by imagining her sitting there, I've calmed down a bit—even though she was the one who killed me.