Part 8
Is it because of this?
Because? Because of what? I don't understand the meaning of this. I can't grasp my own feelings, but my body temperature drops even further. Rapidly. No, worse. My body was already cold to the core, but now it freezes, aches, reaches absolute zero and then completely stiffens.
"I am Aya Otonashi. I'm pleased to meet you."
The 'Transfer Student' almost behaves like a real transfer student and smiles gently, seeming a bit abashed.
"...what on earth?"
I can't understand the meaning of this.
No, to be honest, I understand.
"I'm just as affected by the Rejecting Classroom as anyone else. If I surrendered and stopped trying to preserve my memories, I'd get captured by it right away. I would live meaninglessly within this endless recurrence. Giving in would be as easy as spilling a cup of water that you're awkwardly balancing on top of your head."
—a voice I've heard once before replays in my head.
I look at the girl standing there. I review her appearance, come to the conclusion that it has to be her, but still can't believe it.
She is—Aya Otonashi?
That's impossible. After all, there's no way she'd give up.
Yeah, even if she recognized that the person she's been chasing for more than 20,000 'School Transfers' wasn't the culprit, and everything she's done so far became meaningless as a result—there's no way she'd give up. There's just no way! There's just no way she would ever give up!
That just—wouldn't suit her.
Our class is half its original size because people have been 'rejected'. Even so, everyone remaining is lobbing questions at her. She answers them concisely and simply, but properly. She doesn't coldly reject them like she used to.
She's acting…almost like a real transfer student.
This scene should not be possible, so it must be fake. A lie. Everyone is just a lie. Everything is a lie. Then…is Aya Otonashi a lie as well?
—I won't,
—I won't,
"I won't permit this!"
Even if everyone else permits it, I won't.
I won't let Aya Otonashi become a fake.
"…what's the matter, Hoshino?" Kokubo-sensei asks for some reason. Only then do I realize that I've suddenly stood up.
I sneak a peek at Mogi-san. The glances of my classmates are focused on me, hers included. But as I expected, I'm unable to guess what thoughts lie behind her expressionless face.
She definitely wouldn't respond if I asked her what she thinks of what I'm about to do. We've spent a long time together in this classroom. Despite that, our relationship has come to a standstill.
Tomorrow needs to arrive so that our relationship can move beyond merely being classmates.
Right, Mogi-san is not here.
There is no one here.
That's why…I've had enough already.
I abandon all my classmates who will forget my strange behavior anyway.
I look only at Otonashi-san. I walk toward the platform she's standing on.
The action that I'm about to take is as unnatural for me as that attempted confession was for Mogi-san.
I stand in front of Otonashi-san.
Otonashi-san doesn't show any signs of uneasiness and takes a long, evaluative look at me. I get extremely irritated by her expression, since it suggests that she's seeing me for the first time.
"Hey, what's wrong, Hoshino?"
On the surface, Kokubo-sensei's voice is calm, but I can recognize its underlying uneasiness. My classmates also ask similar questions.
I ignore them all and kneel in front of Otonashi-san. I lower my head and hold out my hand.
"What are you doing?" Otonashi-san asks. She adopts a polite tone totally different from the way she would normally address me.
"I have come to meet thee."
In that case I'll do so, too!
"…what are you saying?"
"I have come to meet thee, m'lady Maria. I am Hathaway, the one pledged to protect only thee, e'en it mean the betrayal of all others and their eternal enmity."
The background noise from the people around us disappears with comical rapidity. Yeah, that's right. In order to take back Otonashi-san, my first step is to make her realize that these people do not exist. Their complete silence should be quite helpful in that respect.
Without raising my head, I wait for Aya Otonashi to take my hand. I wait, utterly still, for her to lay her hand on mine and start the dance.
But it doesn't work out that way.
Otonashi-san doesn't take my hand.
Instead I collapse to the side, producing a dull sound.
"…you're gross."
Since my head was lowered, I don't know what kind of attack I was targeted with. But as I look up at her from the ground, I realize that she attacked me with a knee kick from the right.
Aah, yeah. Totally understandable. Why was I so naïvely deluded, thinking that she'd reach her hand out to me?
"—Heh"
Without a doubt, if she really is 'Aya Otonashi', then there's no way she'd be so kind as to reach her hand out to me.
"Ha, hahaha…"
Apparently unable to hold it in any longer, Otonashi-san laughs. She seems to be amused from the bottom of her heart, to an extent I probably have never seen during those 20,000 recurrences.
I'm still lying on the ground and my head hurts, but my cheeks relax in relief.
"You've made me wait for quite a while, haven't you, my beloved Hathaway? I'm amazed you dared to make a frail lady who can barely lift more than a spoon, wait for so long. I never thought you'd abandon me 27,753 times on the battlefield!"
Otonashi-san leans over me and holds out her hand.
She grabs my hand and forcefully yanks me to my feet.
Yeah, that's it.
That's how Aya Otonashi is supposed to act.
"…but thanks to that you've become quite tough."
Otonashi opens her eyes wide in surprise. Then she smile faintly once again.
"Hathaway—you, on the other hand, have developed quite the silver tongue."
With those words, without releasing my wrist for a single moment, Otonashi-san pulls me out of the classroom.
Ignoring homeroom. Ignoring the teacher. Ignoring the students. Ignoring everything. We leave the classroom, ignoring everything I have abandoned.
✵
After dragging me out of the classroom, Otonashi had me sit on the rear seat of a large motorcycle and don a helmet. I'd never experienced such frightening speeds before, and asked her in a quivering voice whether she had a license while wrapping my arms around her surprisingly slender waist. (Well, it's actually not surprising at all since she's just a girl, but my image of her is one of absolute reliability and resoluteness.) She bluntly answered my question by saying "Of course not."
"I had too much spare time due to all the 'School Transfers', so I acquired this skill. I spend my time quite efficiently, don't you think?"
I have to admit that her motorcycle skills don't seem half bad.
When I ask her whether she has acquired any other skills, she tells me "Of course." Driving is within my range of expectation, but she's also picked up various martial arts, several sports, some additional languages, how to play various musical instruments…and the list goes on and on. Broadly speaking, she's tried out just about everything she could within the constraints of the Rejecting Classroom. But Otonashi-san, who'd apparently be able to get a near-perfect score on the National Central Test for University Admissions, also proclaims "Well, I knew most of that stuff already before the 'School Transfers'."
Her basic specs might have started out high, but the amount of time she spent within those 27,754 loops is even more ridiculous. I can't calculate it exactly, but that would be roughly equivalent to 76 years, or a human lifespan. When I think about it some more, the length of time she's been alive boggles my mind.
"Say, Otonashi-san. You're the same age as I am, right?"
Probably due to that train of thought, I've become curious about her physical age.
"…no, I'm not."
"Eh? Then how old are you?"
"That doesn't matter, does it?" Otonashi-san answers in a slightly ill-humored fashion. Is that perhaps a sensitive subject for her? Well, I heard it was impolite to ask women about their ages…so is she old enough for that to apply?
On further thought, there's no way there'd be such a mature student in my school year. She only chose to be my classmate out of convenience in order to slip into the Rejecting Classroom. Perhaps she's already old enough that it counts as cosplay to wear a school uniform?
"Hoshino, if you're thinking rude thoughts, I'll throw you off."
Catching me red handed without even looking at me while she's driving. She's sharp!
"By the way, you learned how to drive a motorcycle during the 'School Transfers', right? If so, this isn't your bike, right? Whose is it? Your father's?"
I don't know much about motorcycles, but this one doesn't look like it was meant for a girl.
"Beats me."
"…eh?"
"Don't you think it's careless to leave a bike alone in front of a house, with the keys still in the ignition?"
Well, I think so, too, but, wait, what? So that means…
"Also, the chain was poorly-built and easily cut with some common tools. It's always the same every time I 'transfer'. Well, that part goes without saying."
Let's not ask for any more details. Ignorance is bliss. Yeah, I have no clue what she's talking about.
"But say, if you lose your memories, then your driving skills, plus the other skills and knowledge you acquired will be lost as well, right?"
That would be a real shame.
"..."
Otonashi-san doesn't respond.
"Otonashi-san?"
She still doesn't answer. Could it be—
"Do you also think it'd be a shame?"
Could it be that she didn't absorb all that knowledge and all those skills just to kill time? Even someone like Otonashi-san would regret losing all those acquired abilities, which is why she didn't want to lose her memories. That's what I think.
In order to produce this feeling of 'regret', she kept on acquiring new skills.
Which reminds me—
Although this is a bit late, I start wondering.
—why did Otonashi-san act as if she had lost all of her memories?
In the end, she takes me to the most expensive-looking hotel in the vicinity. While it's not a five-star place, it's obviously not within a regular high school student's price range. Otonashi-san checks in with practiced ease, turns down the bellhop who offers to lead us to the room, and proceeds with determination.
After we enter her room, Otonashi-san immediately sits down on the sofa.
I sit down on the bed while suppressing the unsettled feelings I get from being in a high class hotel.…actually, being alone with a girl in a hotel room would normally be quite a stunning situation. But with Otonashi-san, I'm surprised to feel zero sexual tension. Being with her is just too surreal.
"You sure are rich, Otonashi-san. That's the impression I'm getting, anyway."
"Whether I'm wealthy or not is immaterial. The money will return anyway when I 'transfer' again."
"…that's true, now that you mention it. So I'd be able to buy up all the Umaibōs in the convenience store. Awesome!"
"That doesn't matter now. We didn't come here to discuss such trifles, did we?"
"R-Right. Specifically what do you want to discuss?"
"What actions we'll take going forward. After all, I lost my focus when it turned out that you weren't the culprit."
"I'm so sorry."
"Can the sarcasm."
But I didn't inject any…
"But, well, wouldn't it be best to just find the real culprit? Don't get me wrong; I know it's not that simple, but aren't you a lot better off, now that you've lost this preoccupation with me?"
"…Hoshino. I have experienced 27,754 'School Transfers'. Are you aware of that?"
"…what do you mean?"
"I've told you some of this last time, didn't I? However overconfident I was of your guilt, it's not like I didn't suspect anyone else. I also tried to come into contact with the other suspects while starting with a blank slate.…of course I was probably negligent to a certain degree, since I mistook you for the culprit."
"But you didn't find any other possible culprits besides me?"
"Yes. Keep in mind that we're on the 27,754th iteration. This means the owner of the box is a person who's been successfully concealing his identity for an immense length of time."
"Err, couldn't it be that he noticed you because you acted too boldly?"
"Even if he were wary of me, it would be impossible. We're talking about the amount of time contained within 27,754 iterations, you know? Or do you think that the owner has the fortitude and wit to continue hiding his true colors for that long? Well, to be fair, I still haven't found him. Jeez…the owner must be someone who enters this classroom, so why can't I identify him?"
"…wait a sec. What do you mean when you said that the owner could only be someone who enters this classroom? The owner has to be one of our classmates?"
I'm reminded that in the last loop, Otonashi-san mentioned that there aren't many suspects.
"No. The teachers and the students from other classes that come to classroom 1-6 each time are suspects, too. The range of this Rejecting Classroom is, as the name implies, only the classroom of class 1-6. Only the people who entered classroom 1-6 during March 2nd and March 3rd are truly involved with this phenomenon."
...? But I left the classroom and saw many other people, actually.
"Your face tells me that you're not getting it, Hoshino. Look, do you believe it's really possible to turn back time?"
"Eh…?"
What does she mean? If I say 'no,' then the basic concept of the Rejecting Classroom won't hold up, will it?
"…but isn't that what the box does?"
"I guess so. The box would make it possible. But I'm asking for your opinion. Can you fully believe in the power of this box to turn back time? Do you think such a phenomenon is even possible?"
I have no clue what Otonashi-san is trying to say.
"I think—"
So I just answer her question honestly without dwelling on her intentions.
"—once something has happened, it can't be undone."
Even I have thought 'If only I could turn back time' countless times in my life. But even if a time machine existed, I still wouldn't actually be able to believe in time travel. I probably wouldn't believe in it even if I actually traveled back to the past, at least until I gained absolute proof that I was in the past. And it's possible that even then, I wouldn't be able to accept it.
I don't know if that's the correct answer, but Otonashi-san nods with a "Mhm".
"Your sentiment is normal. And apparently, the creator of this Rejecting Classroom also thinks like you."
"…what do you mean?"
"A box makes the associated wish come true with utter completeness. Thoroughly. Flawlessly. In other words—even the culprit's doubts about traveling back in time will be reified, along with everything else bound up with his wish. You understand what this means, right?"
"Err…."
Wanting to turn back time, but not being able to believe in it. That lack of faith would probably warp the shape of the wish. I get it.
"But haven't you been traveling back in time over and over?"
"Hoshino. Did I refer to this phenomenon as 'traveling back in time' even once?"
There is no way I'd know since I've lost most of my memories of her.
"Let's put it plainly: If the Rejecting Classroom was born out of the wish to turn back time, then it's poorly made. No, it's outright defective."
"Then why did you experience over 20,000 recurrences?"
"Isn't this the very proof that it's defective? If time were perfectly reversed, then there would be no way my memories would be fortuitously excluded from this phenomenon. Not to mention, if these recurrences were so perfect, how could I slip in as a 'Transfer Student'?"
She gives me a snide glance.
"Because it's you, I bet you thought something simple like 'For Otonashi, everything is possible,' and stopped thinking at that point."
I can't object because she's totally right.
"To put it simply, all I did was get into the box. For example, I didn't choose to become a 'transfer student'. It's a position assigned to me by the culprit as he divvies up roles. The stage of the Rejecting Classroom is classroom 1-6, so I guess it was the most natural way to explain my sudden entrance; after all, we're roughly the same age. The culprit's feeling of balance preserved the consistency."
"...?"
I have no clue what Otonashi-san is saying. Why is it necessary to preserve some consistency?
"Why are you completely lacking in comprehension…anyway, to explain it simply—let's assume the Rejecting Classroom is a movie that the culprit is directing. The filming has ended, so only editing remains. But the production company insists that there's a new actor who has to appear in the movie. There's no roles left to cast anymore. But it's unreasonable to just film this additional actor standing idly onscreen without giving him a role to play; that wouldn't be a movie anymore. So instead the director decides to modify the script as little as possible in order to give him a role. That's what I mean by 'preserving the consistency.'"
"In other words he couldn't keep you from slipping in and had to somehow integrate you. So he was forced to make you a sudden 'transfer student' in order to preserve the school life of March 2nd?"
"Yes. And that alone should make you feel that something's wrong with this Rejecting Classroom. It's too bothersome to explain each and every detail so I'll cut straight to the chase. This is not 'reality'. Nor is it a true recurrence. It's merely a small separated 'space'. It's just a clumsy wish that holds true as long the culprit himself continues to mistake it for a true time loop."
"Err…so that's why the recurrences were imperfect?"
"Exactly. The culprit, who at heart doesn't believe it's possible to turn back time, instead won't allow it to proceed. He's choosing to reject it. The owner just needs to keep deceiving himself."
"This imperfection is the reason we can retain our memories?"
"I guess so. The specific reasons we can retain our memories may differ, but there's undoubtedly a gap in the Rejecting Classroom."
But there is something I still can't understand.
"At the end of the day, who are you, Otonashi-san?"
Otonashi-san frowns. Maybe this is a question she wanted to avoid.
"Ah, no…you don't have to tell me if you don't want to…"
However, she opens her mouth, frowning all the while.
"There's no cool title for my position. I'm just a student.…is what I'd like to say, but that only applied until about a year ago…My standpoint, huh? I have never come out and expressed it, but right, there's probably only one way to state it. I am—"
Otonashi-san, seeming very displeased, spits out her next few words.
"—actually a box."
"You're actually a box? What do you mean?"
When I parrot back her words because I still don't understand, Otonashi-san's frown just deepens.
"There will be various drawbacks if I explain the details, so I can't tell you."
I feel a bit unsatisfied, and this is apparently reflected by my expression. After looking at me, Otonashi-san continues.
"But I'll tell you this: I once obtained and used a box."
"Eh—!!"
"And my wish is still being granted."
Otonashi-san possesses a box?
"You're curious about my reason for seeking the box anyway, aren't you? Very well, I'll you let you know. My wish was definitely granted. But at the same time, I lost everything."
"…everything?"
"My family, friends, classmates, relatives, teachers, neighbors—I lost everyone close to me because of my wish. Everyone related to me isn't…here anymore."
I am speechless.
"That's not…some kind of metaphor, is it? You're speaking literally?"
"Yes. I can't stand to leave everything in limbo. That's why I'm taking action."
She has lost everything. She has nothing left to lose. That might be why Otonashi-san can be so reckless and fearless.
Anyway, to wish for such a situation, heck, what kind of wish did she insert into her box?
"Isn't it possible to destroy the box? Wouldn't the wish be nullified that way?"
"Hoshino," Otonashi-san responds to my reflexive doubt in a strongly admonitory tone, "the box is granting my wish. Do you get it? Don't make me say more about it."
Right. There's no way Otonashi-san didn't come up with that on her own. In other words:
The box definitely took everything away from her. But even so—Otonashi-san doesn't want to abandon her wish.
When I stay silent, Otonashi-san takes the lead once more.
"My wish and the wish of the owner of the Rejecting Classroom can't coexist. His box was created that way. So they repelled each other when I slipped in and the interference against me was reduced. But that's still just a 'reduction' in resistance. Put differently, I'm not immune to the effects of the Rejecting Classroom, either. Even I don't know the extent of its impact on me. If I gave in, I'd also be captured by the Rejecting Classroom…just as I already told you long ago, huh?"
If that's the case, how does the owner view Otonashi-san? At the very least, he's unlikely to be happy about her presence.
"You should finally understand the situation somewhat better now, so I'll return to our original topic. I guess it's not possible to retrieve the Rejecting Classroom anymore and use it. This box is already used up by the owner, so it's alright to just end the Rejecting Classroom."
"So how can we do that?"
"By ripping the box out of the owner. Alternatively, by destroying it along with the owner. That's about it. Another possibility would be…to find him, the distributor of the box, since he might be able to do something. But he's not going to be inside the box, so that doesn't seem like a viable option."
The distributor of the box?
I am about to ask her about him—and stop.
I don't remember this "*" I should have met already, and I don't want to, either.
"...so nothing will happen as long we don't find the culprit, right?"
"Oh? Nothing will happen, you say, huh? So you just implicitly complained that our conversation up until now was completely meaningless, unconstructive and a waste of time, right? You've got some nerve."
"N-No! I was just trying to confirm…"
"Hmph, so you feel that your knowledge and wit can solve a problem even I couldn't solve? I'm sure you interjected your comment with an idea in mind, right?"
"Ugh…"
I winced. There's no way I'd have one.
"Back to relevancy—if I knew that, then there would be no way for the owner to evade me. But, right…unlike the other deaths, the death of the owner won't be forgiven inside the Rejecting Classroom. For example, I died countless times inside this Rejecting Classroom but I'm here now and I haven't lost my box."
"But the owner is different?"
"Yeah, exactly. The owner and the box are connected. The instant the owner dies, the Rejecting Classroom will be destroyed. That should definitely be true, since I know of a similar case. The box will break the moment the owner dies, at the same time the characteristics of the Rejecting Classroom will be annihilated, and the concept of true death will be restored."
"So he'll stay dead if that happens…?"
"Exactly."
"So we can assume I'm not the culprit. Also, you're obviously not the culprit either."
"Well, yeah."
So Mogi-san also can't be the culprit. I mean, Mogi-san met with that accident already.
"Say, some of our classmates have disappeared, right? Does that have anything to do with death inside the box?"
"…I can't tell for sure, but there shouldn't be any connection. I still don't know why it's happening, but it's probably another characteristic of the Rejecting Classroom."
—wait!
I suddenly realize—there's a simple way to identify the culprit.
At the same time, I feel my blood drain away from my face. What am I thinking? This is just too despicable. But, but—
Aya Otonashi. She could do it.
I mustn't tell her. But why isn't Otonashi-san aware of this method? There's no way she wouldn't notice it. But she didn't use it. That means…What does that mean—?
"Hoshino."
My whole body twitches when she calls out to me.
"What are you thinking? Surely you didn't come up with a way to find the owner—"
My body twitches again.
"—so you did think of something, Hoshino?"
"Ah, no—"
"Hiding it is futile. How much time do you think I have spent together with you? I have been chasing you longer than anyone else in this world. Unwillingly, but still…"
I am aware of that. Anyone would realize that I am trying to hide something.
"——"
But there is no way I can readily tell her about that.
"Hoshino. Even you should be aware that I'm not very patient."
She isn't going to fall for a random lie. Even if I try to evade her question, I'll surely blurt out the method in the end.
But still—
"Hoshino!!"
Otonashi-san seizes me by the collar. Ah, how painful. She's serious. Well, of course she is. After all, she's endured more than 20,000 loops just to obtain the box.
"Tell me!! Tell me this method!!"
I will definitely regret it if I tell her. But can I really keep quiet in such a situation?
"…you just need to kill all of our classmates."
So I tell her.
It's simple. If you can exclude every person that has died at least once from the pool of suspects, then that's easy. You just need to kill every suspect. It's a simple and devilish solution.
But people who die here will be resurrected.
There is nothing to worry about. I couldn't ever execute such a plan, but I'm sure Otonashi-san would be able to.
After all, she even produced corpses in order to retain her memories.
But did this plan really not occur to her? Why didn't she think of killing people in order to track down the culprit, in addition to retaining her memories? And if she did come up with that ultra-effective method, why didn't she execute it when all she needed would be roughly 40 iterations?
She doesn't answer.
She doesn't show any reaction.
I slowly look at her face.
Otonashi-san is still holding me by the collar and stares at me, unblinking.
"That is—"
Otonashi-san quietly removes her hand from my collar.
"That is—not an acceptable method."
"…eh?"
"That would be like performing medical testing on a living person without consent. Of course it's the most efficient way to use a human if you want to know how people are affected. But that act should be immediately rejected as an unacceptable method."
Otonashi-san spits these words out in a low voice without looking away for a single second.
"You want to know why? That goes without saying: such an act is inhuman. The moment someone does such a thing, he isn't human anymore.…yeah, I am a box, after all. Is it because of that? Is that why you are—"
Otonashi-san's eyes are unmistakably burning with anger.
"—treating me as inhuman!?"
Aah, certainly, if she did interpret my comments like that, then her anger is natural. I realize that I was speaking thoughtlessly.
But I still don't understand.
"But you've killed people to retain your memories, haven't you?"
"...what are you saying?"
Otonashi-san seems unable to endure my words and shoots me a sharp glance.
"…a-as I said, you produced extreme events that provoked strong impressions in order to retain your memories, didn't you?"
"Stop insulting me already—!! Didn't I explain it to you just now?! I can only resist the Rejecting Classroom because I am a box!"
Aah, right. That she retains her memories by producing and witnessing corpses was just Daiya's unfounded theory.
But even so, I still can't comprehend her actions.
"What's with that face? If you have something to say, spit it out already!!"
Otonashi-san seizes me by the collar once more and scowls at me again, but this time, I scowl back.
Yeah…I haven't prepared myself. I didn't really consider what it means to scowl back at her; it's a really difficult act for me to engage in.
I am completely under her control. And because I'm aware of that, that's why I'm resisting her in this way.
But I say something that snaps our tenuous bond.
"Then why did you kill me?!!"
And our ability to communicate further is destroyed.
✵
Those words irrevocably broke our relationship.
Otonashi-san ceased speaking to me, and also stopped directing any form of expression toward me. Completely. With Otonashi-san standing before me like that, I was naturally left impotent. In the end, I had no choice but to leave the hotel.
I loiter around near the hotel, but that's just an expression of my foolish reluctance. I aimlessly while away my time. I glance at the 'borrowed' bike we rode in on and walk away. I go to the convenience store. I buy tea in a P.E.T. bottle. I drink it bit by bit. The bottle becomes empty. I notice that I can barely remember what I was drinking.
This might be the end.
Unlike Otonashi-san, I am not certain whether I can retain my memories. If she doesn't consider me necessary to her plans, I might forget everything and before I know it, I'd get spit out of the Rejecting Classroom. Then I'd vanish like a certain person did.
I can't hear any sounds on my path—there are no street lights either, nor any colors.
It's like the person who made all this didn't get around to finishing all the details.
I put the empty bottle against my mouth. I feel like I'll be swallowed if I don't act like I'm drinking something. Swallowed by what? I have no idea.
All of a sudden, the music of my favorite artist resounds on the silent road. What?…aah, I see. That's my phone.…my phone? So someone's calling me? Right. Right! I can't remember giving it to her. I can't remember giving Otonashi-san my phone number, but in some other world I might have!
I take my cell phone out of my uniform pocket.
The name 'Kokone Kirino' is displayed on the L.C.D. screen.
I look up at the sky. As if things would work out that nicely! I knew it. But I can't help having some unrealistic expectations, right?
I get my breathing under control and accept the call.
"Ah, hello…Kazu-kun."
I don't get the usual vibe from her voice, though that might just be me. Or has Kokone always acted like this over the phone? We might be intimate, but I've rarely ever talked with her on my cell before.
"Ah, err—"
I have a hunch that I can already predict this conversation.
Ah, no, I definitely know what'll happen. I just can't recall the details right now.
"Can you come by for a bit? I'll tell you where to meet me."
What was going to happen next? How did this pan out again?
"There's something I have to tell you, Kazu-kun."
3,087th time[]
I'm a huge Umaibō fan, but I still don't like the Teriyaki Burger flavored ones that much.
I am at the deserted park right next to her house. We are facing each other in front of the water fountain while I chew on the Umaibō she gave me.
"…How is it?"
"...Hm, err, it's not a flavor I don't like, but well…"
"…I'm not really asking about…the Umaibō."
I know that. But really, how should I respond?
"…So, will you go out with me?"
I don't have enough experience with matters of the heart to avoid getting flustered.
But she should be just about as flustered as I am. At the very least, I've never seen her like this before.
Maybe it's because of the new mascara she told me about this morning, but her eyes look even larger than normal. And those eyes are looking straight at me….there's no way I can hold such a gaze.
I don't know what to say, but I can't just keep silent, so I open my mouth.
"So…are you in love with me?"
Her face blushes crimson right before my eyes.
"…may…be"
"Maybe?"
I unintentionally parrot back her response.
"...I-It's pretty mean to ask such a question, you know? You know my answer, right?…O-Or do you want me to say it out loud?"
"Ah…!"
I finally notice my insensitivity and drop my head in shame.
"I'm…sorry."
I reflexively apologize. She looks at me with upturned eyes and murmurs.
"...I love you."
Then she pulls herself upright and says straight to my face.
"…I love you."
I can't help but avert my eyes because her face is stunningly cute. My heart is definitely beating faster—just from her display of affection.
I think she looks cute.
Her personality is bright, and there are always people gathered around her.
I also know that many guys have confessed to her, only to end up being rejected.
It'd be great to go out with her, for sure.
But—
"Sorry."
But I answer her thus—so bluntly that I almost surprise myself.
I know that turning her down is a real shame, but I just can't imagine us going out. Somehow, the notion doesn't seem realistic.
The sense of expectation vanishes from her eyes and is replaced by tears instead. Even though I know I'm entirely to blame, I can't look directly at her.
I can't say anything, because I'm sure that all I could say would be 'sorry.'
"...you hesitated quite a bit, didn't you?"
I nod in response to her murmur.
"…say…you like Umaibōs, right?"
Words without context. I nod once more.
"But you don't like the Teriyaki Burger flavor that much?"
"…yeah."
"Which flavor do you like best?"
"Err…Corn Potage, I guess?"
I have no clue why she is asking about Umaibōs, but respond awkwardly anyway.
"I see. U-huh, U-huh…"
She nods repeatedly.
"Ahaha…I failed, then."
What she says seems absolutely trivial, but for some reason, her words send a shiver down my spine. I get the eerie sensation that I'm watching a poorly edited video.
While looking up at me, she asks, "Could you possibly have accepted my confession if I'd chosen a different approach?"
I don't know—maybe? After all, I'm already wavering… No, that's not true—I know.
I would definitely turn her down.
I would definitely give her the same answer over and over, unless I were to change, or some external condition were to change.
As long as it's today, I cannot imagine myself going out with her. Therefore, as long as it's today, there's no way I could accept her confession.
"Your face tells me that you don't know."
I have no response.
But she takes this as a 'yes' and smiles sweetly.
"Aah, okay. So I just need to keep confessing until I succeed, right?"
That may be a good idea. At least I can take a little responsibility for rejecting her feelings.
But still—you have to wait for a different day to confess, you know?
27,754th time[]
I am probably worn out after the complete breakdown of my relationship with Otonashi-san and the sudden call from Kokone. …I'm really just making excuses, though.
I had entirely forgotten.
That an accident would definitely happen at this intersection.
I am safe. I instinctively remembered once I came near the intersection, due to the immense shock I suffered from dying there once. So I have no problem ensuring my own safety.
But that's just not acceptable. After all, that means someone else is going to get run over in this unavoidable accident.
I had forgotten about it. And because of that, I was too late to save that person. Even though I knew that someone would get run over, I didn't stop it. 'Because I had forgotten about it' doesn't even qualify as an excuse.
I'm horrible. It's as if I killed that person myself.
Kasumi Mogi is there.
The girl I love is there.
As always, the truck is driving toward her at breakneck speed.
I am unable to save her from where I'm currently standing. No matter how recklessly I try to rescue her, there's no way for me to do it from this far away.
She is going to get stained in blood. The girl I love is going to get stained in blood. The girl I love is going to get stained in blood because of me. The girl I love keeps getting stained in blood, over and over, and it's my responsibility, over and over, because I keep overlooking it, over and over.
"U-UAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"
I run towards the truck. In order to save Mogi-san? No. Certainly not. I can't endure my feelings of guilt and just wanted to feel like I did something. It's merely self-satisfaction.
Horrible. Just how horrible am I?
Then I see it.
"Eh…?"
The girl who I thought was past all hope of being saved gets pushed out of the way.
I didn't do it.
I am too far away to reach her in time.
Thus, there is only one person who could have saved her.
The girl who continued fighting even when I abandoned my memories and acted like I didn't know her.
Even though she wouldn't make it in time to save herself.
But yet, she—
—Aya Otonashi jumped out.
Ah, right. I remember.
I've already witnessed the exact same scene countless times.
This will all repeat anyway. Even the fact that she saved someone will disappear. All that will remain is the memory of the pain she suffered while dying. The fear of encountering death. The despair that emerges from knowing that she will have to repeat that experience.
And yet, Aya Otonashi jumped in the front of the truck. In order to save someone else from getting run over.
Over and over. Many thousands of times.
Right.
How could I forget?
There's a loud crashing sound, but the truck just smashes through the wall with a huge roar. I approach Otonashi-san while still half-overwhelmed by the noise. Mogi-san is lying next to her, completely frozen. Apparently she's suffered quite a shock.
I look at Otonashi-san.
Her left leg is bent the wrong way.
She is covered with a cold sweat, but speaks with such resolution that she seems completely uninjured.
"Last time, I killed you."
Although speaking should be painful, her voice is clear.
"I thought everything would end by killing the owner. I didn't want to do it. But at the time I believed that it was the only way to escape the Rejecting Classroom. I was willing to throw away my humanity. I don't want to admit it, but I didn't mind back then. I thought that the shame I brought upon myself would also get reset and disappear after I escaped from the Rejecting Classroom."
I finally understand why at the beginning of this loop, Otonashi-san acted as if she forgot everything.
She couldn't forgive herself.
For accepting my death when I got killed in that accident.
She was so repentant that she was about to abandon her escape from the Rejecting Classroom and the box she was so fixated upon.
'Then why did you kill me?!!'
So very regretful that she wasn't able to object to these words.
Just how cruel have I been?
And those words weren't even true.
Last time around, I jumped out to save Mogi-san and died in the accident. I thought it was Otonashi-san's fault, just like I always thought Mogi-san's death was Otonashi-san's fault.
Because of my biased views, I blurted out something like 'You killed me'. I should have noticed this misunderstanding the moment she renounced the act of murder. In truth, she was merely unable to save me.
For some reason, this accident always occurs. Someone gets run over for certain. It's just pure coincidence that I was the one to die that time.
"Hmph, I can only laugh at my own stupidity. Guilt doesn't just disappear through forgetfulness. And to top it off, the Rejecting Classroom did not end and I now have to cope with having become a shadow of my former self. I can't think of a situation where the word 'retribution' would apply any better."
As she says this, Otonashi-san coughs up some blood.
"Otonashi-san, don't speak if it hurts…"
"When will there be another chance to talk? I've already become accustomed to this level of pain. This is nothing. It's just momentary pain, so it's much better than slowly but surely getting eaten away by a disease."
You don't "become accustomed to" something like that!
"I didn't lose my memories, nor did I escape from the Rejecting Classroom. Fufu… I probably knew deep down…that I wouldn't be released from the Rejecting Classroom."
"…why?"
"It's simple. My tenacity won't release me that easily."
Otonashi-san stands up while tottering back and forth. She could have just stayed lying down, but I guess she can't stand to have me look down at her.
Her left leg is completely ruined. Otonashi-san coughs violently and blood flies forth. But she then stands upright using the wall for support and looks at me.
Probably because Otonashi-san got up, Mogi-san escapes from her expressionlessly petrified state and starts to move as well. She then timidly looks at me.
"Are you alright, Mogi-san?"
"...!!" a delayed shriek escapes from her mouth.
"W-What were you talking about… just now…? Mmhm, not just now, since yesterday… what are you two?"
…what? Who are you looking at with those eyes? Who are you looking at with those fearful eyes?
…I know. Her glance is directed at me.
For some reason, I'm unable to leave her alone. Without thinking, I reach out to touch her cheek.
"D-Don't touch me!"
Aah…you're right. What am I doing? Why am I reaching out toward her, even though I'm the one who terrifies her? Did I think that it would soothe her? How could I even think for a moment that I'd be able to make her calm down? …There's no way I'd be able to.
"…what… are you…?"
I clench my fist. I can't explain anything to her. Thus, I have no choice but to endure her stare.
I'd love to explain the entire situation right now. Maybe she would even understand it.
But—I mustn't do so.
After all I have to fight. I have to fight against the Rejecting Classroom.
And for the sake of that fight I have to refuse the fake everyday life produced by the Rejecting Classroom.
I came to that determination when I took Otonashi-san's hand back then. So I reject it. The smile Mogi-san once gave me, her blushing face, letting me sleep on her lap—I reject all of that.
Mogi-san gives up on trying to understand what's going on when I refuse to break my silence, and she fearfully stands up.
She staggers backwards on shaky legs, begging us with her eyes to not chase after her. Then, she escapes.
I stare at her as she flees.
And make sure I don't avert my gaze.
Because this is supposed to be the outcome I desire.
"—I now grasp how determined you are," Otonashi-san says after observing our interaction. She's still leaning against the wall. "Thus, I came to a resolution as well. I shall give up on my goal of obtaining the box."
"…eh?"
This troubles me. This definitely troubles me. I need Otonashi-san's power. Without thinking, I open my mouth to try to stop her.
Just as I do so…
"—Therefore, I shall lend you a hand."
"…eh?"
I didn't expect that.
Lend me a hand? Aya Otonashi-san will lend me a hand?
"Why are you gawking like a gibbering idiot? I just said that I'll lend you a hand. Are you deaf?"
But this is as impossible as the sun coming up in the west and setting in the east.
"I lost my way. Your criticism was spot-on—by killing you, I became sub-human. No, even worse. I am a coward who abandoned my own goal and tried to run away because I didn't want to admit it. To put it plainly, I gave in to the Rejecting Classroom. And I continued to run away while telling myself that there's nothing left to do for someone like me who's merely a defeated box."
Although she is abasing herself, there is still fire in her eyes. I actually feel a bit relieved.
"But there's no reason to waver. I definitely did something to be ashamed of, but that's no reason to draw in my horns. Nothing will come from empty regrets. Therefore I won't run away anymore. So—"
She shuts her mouth, reluctant to finish her sentence.
But since I am almost scowling at her, she opens her mouth and states.
"So please—forgive me."
Aah, I see. That's what she meant.
This weird speech was supposed to be an apology to me.
Her entreaty is completely meaningless.
"I can't forgive you."
Upon hearing my blunt words, Otonashi-san looks momentarily surprised, but then her serious face returns right away.
"I see… getting killed is definitely something you can't forgive. I understand."
"That's not it."
Otonashi-san frowns, failing to comprehend my words.
"What I mean is…I don't know what there is to forgive anyway."
Right. It's not like I won't forgive her. I just can't forgive her. Because nothing needs to be forgiven to begin with.
"…Hoshino, what are you saying? I…"
"You killed me?"
"…Right."
"Are you kidding?"
I smile spontaneously.
"I am here!"
Right. This is plain and obvious.
"I am right here, Otonashi-san."
However much responsibility she may feel, she didn't do anything that can't be undone.
I don't understand why she's feeling so much responsibility anyway. She is not the creator of the Rejecting Classroom after all. Otonashi-san just got involved in it—
—no, that's not correct.
Otonashi-san isn't just a victim. She is a ruler who grasped our personalities and analyzed all of our behavioral patterns. She knows how the ripples in the pool will expand by throwing a stone in a particular place. She is a ruler of at least the same degree of power as the creator of the Rejecting Classroom himself.
But because of this power, she feels responsible for the events that occur. Because she thinks that bad things could be prevented if she acts properly.
Therefore, since she couldn't, and didn't, prevent someone's death, she feels like she's the killer.
But Otonashi-san said it herself. Death within the Rejecting Classroom is just a show.
"I really don't mind. But if you insist, how about using a certain magic word?"
Otonashi-san freezes with a frown on her face. After a few moments, she finally moves again and looks downward.
"Heh…"
Her shoulders tremble. Eh? What? What does that mean? I get nervous and sneak a peek at her.
"Hehe…haha…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
—She's laughing! On top of that it's some really explosive laughter!!
"H-Hey! Why are you laughing? Sorry, but I don't get it!?"
Otonashi-san continues laughing out loud for a while, my protests notwithstanding.
Geez… what's this about? I'm actually confident that I said something 'cool,' but it seems that my words are no more than a laughing matter in the end…
Otonashi-san finally stops laughing, returns to her usual gallant expression and speaks to me with pursed lips.
"I have experienced 27754 school transfers."
"…I know that well."
"I was convinced that I had grasped your behavioral patterns completely by now. But I couldn't predict your statement just now at all. Can you imagine how amusing this is for someone accustomed to eternal boredom?" she says, looking delighted.
I still can't grasp her intentions and incline my head.
"Hoshino. You're truly amusing. I haven't met anyone like you before. At first glance you look like an ordinary person with no special beliefs, but actually there's no one who is more attached to everyday life than you. For exactly this reason you're able to clearly distinguish this fake everyday life from the real one-even better than I can."
Better than Otonashi-san?
"That's not true. I can't distinguish it clearly at all. After all, my heart hurts when the accident happens, even though I know it's going to be reset…"
"Of course. That has nothing to do with your special trait. For example, when you watch a movie or read a book, you also feel discomfort when the characters experience misfortune, don't you? It's the same here."
Is it really like that? I wonder.
"—Hoshino."
"What?"
"I'm sorry."
It's so sudden, I don't understand what she's apologizing for. Before I know it, the delight has disappeared from her face.
"Really, I'm ashamed of my own impotence. I'm sorry."
"I-It's alright…"
I just feel uncomfortable when someone so obviously my superior apologizes earnestly to me. I falter as if she were criticizing me. I'm really pathetic.
"That was just a simple apology, but you're okay with that, right? I just have to continue to understand you, grasp your motivations, and direct you. This is what you desire from me, right?"
"Y-Yeah…"
"Apologizing, huh? It's certainly necessary, but I feel like I haven't done it in years."
…I'm sure she really hasn't.
"Well then, it's time."
"Time?"
"For the end of the 27,754th school transfer. And the beginning of the 27,755th one."
"Aah, I see."
I accept this strange phenomenon with surprising calm.
I look around and see that people have gathered about because of the accident. Many among them are wearing very familiar uniforms. Kokone is present and is watching us. Otonashi-san and I have been talking with each other while ignoring everyone else. Well, I guess I can understand why Mogi-san was so scared. A casual chat between me and a blood-stained Otonashi-san must certainly appear disturbing.
I offer my hand to Otonashi-san.
Without hesitation, she takes this hand; the same hand that someone else has refused.
My heart gets crushed by an overwhelming power, like it's being squashed by a vise. The sky starts to close like a coin purse. Despite being closed, the world turns white. White. White. The ground becomes unstable and tastes sugary for some reason—not on the tongue, but on the skin. That sensation doesn't feel bad, yet it feels disgusting. Finally, I understand that this event marks the end of the 27,754th iteration.
We are surrounded by soft, sweet and pure white despair