Call of the Void

Despite the constant vibrations of my phone from the notifications, I can't seem to fall asleep on this cold and rainy fall evening. As the cicadas of the night sing their songs, I lay awake in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering where did things go wrong. But then again what can one do? After running away from everything that caused you pain, you still end up crawling back to the start of it all.

Such stupidity makes me want to laugh at myself for a pathetic display of self-loathing and guilt. Whoever wrote this fucking tragedy of a story deserves praise. It's so real yet unbelievable, living through all its arcs makes me sick. The highest feels euphoric, an addictive substance that clings deep within the very fabric of my soul; the lowest feels as if I was consumed by the darkness of the abyss, the cold and feeble hands of death itself claiming the remaining part of my soul that I haven't gambled away in this stupid game called love.

Like a madman, I've risked so much only for it to all come crashing down. All my cards at the table, all my chips, my everything and anything I can muster up just to get the smallest dosage of this drug called love. I have done the unthinkable, the impossible, and the unattainable; only for me to get stabbed through the heart with a dagger coated in sweet poison as her words kept me second guessing everything I ever said. Gasping for air as she pulled me ever so deeper in this ocean of delusion with her only solution of cure to my flickering spirit is to drain me of all remaining life.

Why does it always happen to me? Is this some kind of sick joke?

All it took was a single photograph of your smile.

From a girl that'll never be mine.

Twisting, turning, tumbling, and bumbling in this bed of mine. As memories of a past I so desperately wanted to forget started springing up once more. Like the dead, it never truly dies, the more I cling on to my past the more I bite the dust. Gathering what little strength I have left to grab my phone from the bedside table, opening it was not that big of a challenge. But once the photo finally loaded, a sharp and sudden pain reverberated within my chest, a bearable yet agonizing pain that I prayed I'd never feel again, a mutilating pain that leaves not a single drop of blood but would scar you for the rest of your life lingered and throbbed with each pulsating heartbeat.

So invested in learning and studying the intricacies of the past that it has consumed me completely to the point that even I cannot bear to stare at my past when confronted by it directly. I don't even know how much more I can endure as every single bittersweet memory comes knocking back. Each painful event, horrible memories, forbidden glimpses of a life that doesn't even exist; This feeling isn't sadness, it's something far greater and worse. A void so dark that no light ever escapes from it, a nightmare that can be described as insanity as you relive the most excruciating moments of your life over and over until the end of time, a dream so distant and impossible to reach that you merely have to stare at a fading star to be swallowed by the infinite and unrelenting cosmos in the cold and unforgiving isolation provided by the vast and empty space that'll you'll float for all eternity..

Weakness, fatigue, loss of energy, mixed with extremely debilitating and crippling depression grips me. Choking me tightly like a noose tied around my neck as I jump from the stool of my ego; if I kill a piece of myself would that even solve my problems? Is the me from today different from the me that'll face tomorrow?

I wanted to scream till my throat gives up, to cry as much as I could, to grab the nearest thing and just slam it against the wall, to bash my head into the fucking floor. But what good will it do? No matter what I do there is no logical reason for her to come back to me. Even if I didn't do anything wrong. It's absurd. A delusion procured by my sick and twisted thoughts that still longed for a love that was artificial. This never-ending cascade of pain and misery that waltzes with this song of lunacy and debauchery, it is only I that witnessed this never ending cacophony of sorrow. It's masterbatory. How much do I have to suffer before I accept that it's unnatural to wallow in this amount of filth.

Fuck.

A single thought of her name brings me right back to the start of it all. It's always like this; every single waking day and sleepless night, the moment I let my guard down, she's always in the back of my mind. With that soothing voice that spoke words dipped in sugar and honey got me entranced with the way she called out my name every night, telling me all the right words that I've never heard in my life, content with the crumbs of her detailed and intricate lies; her scent of lavender perfume and her pink and purple clothes are permanently stuck in my mind as she never changed her clingy ways even up to our final moments.

Long have I wondered if these feelings would pass, if it'll stop completely. If the two of us didn't make all those bittersweet memories straight out from a tragedy that's disguised as a romantic comedy, would I be able to stop clinging onto every single fragment of what's left of her in the remnants of my broken psyche. That woman whose beauty was Aphrodite's envy; Her tender face, her Rosy cheeks, her soft skin, and her warm embrace, I could see it all and I hated every single second of it.

This was my life, a bleak and endless cycle of never ending self-pity; alive but not living.

A quick glance on my phone revealed that it was already 3 in the morning, I need to get all of this off my chest. It's probably time I do the only thing I'm good at.

To run away.

To run as far away as possible.

To run until I've forgotten why I'm running.

Even if there was a small voice calling out for her to return and come back.

—

The early morning was chilly, the cold digs deep within my skin and sinks into my bones as I walk towards a destination unknown to me. Lost in thought, like a walking corpse that rose from the dead, I wandered through the streets with messy hair and in clothes that look hastily cobbled together. Earphones in my ears blasting music that I never pay attention to as my brain screamed at me from the confines of my head to keep on walking.

Step by step, inch by inch, each passing breath of mine restores my sanity.

Do not stop. Do not look back. Do not trip. Do not fall.

The sound of passing cars of the early morning commute, the stars above that witnessed this sad man's parade, the moon in all its full beauty and captivity watched on as this wretched soul of broken dreams and unfinished memories marched ever onwards with time. Despite the aching of my feet, the cramping of my calves, the soreness of my thighs, and the shortness of my breath.

I'll walk. I'll run. I'll crawl. I'll escape this misery that's destined to consume me whatever it takes. Even if I'm tired. Even if I wanted to end it all. Even if my life is nothing short of a tragedy. I'll live on and march.

Reaching a bridge that leads to somewhere I didn't know, I stopped and tried to get my bearings before I got lost in this city in the countryside. Feeling the breeze that used to be a glacial gust to now a soothing chill made me slowly snap out of this state of instability.

Staring at the edge of the bridge, down to the running water of this river that seemed to be awfully clean despite the situation of this forsaken nation. As the distance between the edge of the railing and the water seems to get lower and lower the voice in my head gets ever so louder telling me to do one simple thing.

"J u m p."

The call of the void is tempting me to erase all my worries, it was by this time I realized what I was doing and finally snapped out of this insanity I was slowly transforming into.

Someone that isn't me.

Something else entirely.

It's disturbing.

As the sound of flowing water, distant cicadas, passing cars, and the occasional breeze of wind. My heart rate slowly started to fall back down to its normal levels before being stable again.

This bridge. It's new. I just realized that.

A moment of cathartic peace overcomes me as my insanity slowly resides.

"Surely you're not thinking of jumping?"

A voice called out to me as it broke all the coherent thoughts in my head. As the footsteps grew louder and louder, the call of the void started to recede within the depths of my psyche as a woman as beautiful as Aphrodite started to approach this lonely and lost soul standing at the edge of his own insanity.

"Wanna talk it out?"

Wearing a pink oversized hoodie that barely concealed her somewhat lightly tanned skin, she smiled slightly as she buried her hands deeper in the pockets of her hoodie, with a stare that reeked a mixture of curiosity and intrigue; Her dark orbs stared deeply at my soul, observing me, analyzing me, identifying each and every single thing I've tried to speak out loud. But despite it all, not a single word escaped my lips; it's as if my voice was suddenly pulled deep within the confines of my body. Being in a state of unhinged delirium that's currently in the middle of severe delusions.

Each step she took as she approached felt like miniature earthquakes that shook the core of my already devastated world, a girl looking so carelessly carefree holding a lit cigarette in her hand as she attempted to disarm me of my supposed thoughts of the ceasing of my very existence.

"You alright?"