Echoes

Restless and sleepless night beckons another as my eyes gazed at the nearly starless horizon of the darkest hour. As the sheeps in my mind jumped over their fences, I stopped counting; for there are no numbers on the infinite spectrum that would cure me of this insomnia that I seemed to have contracted. A lone sigh escapes my lips as the taste of a bittersweet cocktail of misery and longing paired well with this isolation I felt from the silence of this melancholic evening.

A week has passed and it's now mid October and by God's detestable humor, the familiar sound of the notification of my phone lit up the somewhat dim room that I found myself being stuck in. Too deep into philosophical and ethical questions that I have started to write the ramblings of an Austrian madman; Personifying abstract concepts that one should never rationalize into coherent forms. What drove Lovecraft mad was his fear of the unknown and what that mirrors into me is this dogged determination into trying to scrounge up topics I shouldn't just willy-nilly wander into.

A slow and lazy movement of my arm was all it took for me to grasp my phone to bring it close enough into my purview to see a message that I both seeked for so damn long and detested for so much.

'You awake?'

The image of a woman with that short blonde hair flowing with the midnight breeze as the smell of her lavender perfume fills my nostrils with a scent that's maddening. Vampiric in nature, as with her anemic insomnia drains her skin with the pigment that's required to help her stave off the harsh rays of sunlight. Her fingers wrapping around a lit cigarette as her eyes stared in my direction, a mixture of hopeful sadness and empathetic sympathy hiding this deep seated depression that gives me an impression that there is beauty in brokenness.

As I closed my eyes, for her mirage in the back of my psyche is more clear; her raspy and alluring voice is enough to make me reconsider the status of my life as I stared at the void and heed its calls. It was if Luna herself spoke to me; gently asking me to not callously throw my precious life away.

Oh you damned woman, meddling with forces beyond your nature. Why did you try to capture a star that was on the brink of collapsing in of itself, endlessly consuming gas until it turns supernova. Stay back you vexing woman, lest you be blown apart by my self-destructiveness. The pinnacle project of the concept of self-sabotage wonders why a woman of such prowess and beauty is wilting herself to stoop down to a grass such as me.

It is insanity; Extremely unbelievable. No rational and reasonable mind would dictate such an illogical move for an irrational feeling; yet here you are pestering me with your kindness without a care for your own safety.

Is it strange I find myself smiling? For an emotion so fake that the least I could do is to believe it to be true in order to feed on my sad delusions of grandeur and glory at the side of another. 

Fuck.

Lyanna was it? A name shrouded in a protective layer so that we may never be both responsible for our irresponsible actions as irresponsible adults. 

Maybe she's intoxicated. Maybe she's bored and looking for someone to kill time with. Maybe she needs someone to talk to. Maybe… Maybe… Maybe.

I cannot fathom the way you smile around my presence Lyanna, I cannot think of a reason why you feel so safe and sound in my arms when you're at your lowest. When you walk beside me I feel like the strongest man on earth, ready to take on the entirety of everything and anything that the world throws at me. I wish this feeling would never cease, nor would it ever end; placing a band-aid on a large gaping wound does nothing to solve this pain.

I can never seem to understand why you keep trying to force yourself into my life and yet I can never say no because I am as stupid as they go. Stupid enough to welcome you with open arms; A man can only dream for this is my sickness. An illness that I will never rid of, something that is permanently stuck with me throughout the end of my days. 

Delusional Insanity eats me from within and I cannot stop it or else I'll crumble indefinitely. A palpable sense of deranged ramblings will simply overtake me the more I linger in this bed with you being the sole thought. But then again, It's true. The more I think about women like you crashing into my dreams, the deeper I fall in your arms even if it isn't real.

Damn.

It seems that no matter how hard I run away from this great game of fallacious fantasies, It will always seem to catch up to me.

Like the echoes of the past that keep haunting me in my nightmares. Her words reverberating in the empty caverns that consists of my heart, as the atria and ventricles pump continuously; her words echo:

"I'm sorry."