Insecurities Hikaru(1) – Insecurities Arc (1)

4 years ago, Tokyo, Japan.

What is this? Why am I here? Sia, can you explain what the hell I am doing here? What is this place?

!It's a place recreated from some memories you still had, not all information here is accurate, but it will help you keep sane while in this world. Scenes from your childhood will replay here every so often. It helps to keep your magic under control and not go berserk!

"Hikaru, how are you?"- Hana asked me in a playful tone. Looking around the strange room I found myself in, it resembled our house in Tokyo when we lived with our parents, well it's more complicated than that, back then I was told that Hana was staying with us because her parents were gone to another country, or so my parents told me. From what I know they are very best friends with each other and they agreed to take Hana under our care. This is what I believed, until after what Sia told me about Hana and me, why did Hana's parents want us to grow up together in the first place? Where are they now?

This is all a memory. Why is it in 1st person?

"Well, I am good"- I can't control what my memory self says. My eyes wandered behind Hana, I don't know exactly what that was but it didn't scare me, it was a distorted shape, it is humanoid but nothing more I can make of it. It's like an unfinished sketch of a human body mixed with other geometrical shapes. Everything about them is black and filled with a black color.

BANG, BANG BANG, a bang sound can be heard from upstairs, from the attic, or one of the rooms.

"I don't really think that. Why are you looking up"- Hana looked at the point where I was looking, I was looking up from where I heard the sounds. Her hands grasped mine.

"I can hear something from the attic. I don't know what it is. Maybe we should call Mom and Dad?"- I got up from the place I sat, I wanted to go to get our parents, but wait, I couldn't remember what our parents looked like.

"Let's go check it out then. Come with me"- Hana grabbed my hands and dragged me to the attic.

Before entering the attic I sense something, like someone is watching me.

"Are you ok Hikaru?"- Hana stepped on the ladder with me.

"Yes, I feel like someone is watching me"- I extended my hand to reach the handle and push the attic door, my hand started to shake the moment I grabbed the handle, and my vision blurred for a few seconds, I kept seeing a shape of red and blue for a split second.

"Are you sure you are ok?"- I didn't answer Hana, I pushed onward despite the weird feeling I was getting.

Once we stepped into the attic, there was nothing there.

"There is nothing here?"- Hana turned her head from left to right a few times looking in the attic, it was empty.

"Meow"- A small meow came from one of the corners of the attic

I turned to see a black cat standing there.

"Ohh, Hana, look, there is the cat that has been making noise"- I pointed to the corner of where I thought I saw the cat.

"Where? I don't see any, wait, let me turn on the light"- Did we have a light in our attic?

Hana's hand reached for the light switch and flipped it on.

She looked in the corner again, I was looking straight at the black cat, but she was looking back at me.

"There is nothing there Hikaru"- I look back at her. I can't think what my face would have looked like.

The scene suddenly changed, I don't know where I am now.

!Per your memories you are at your first psychological examination, not long after the cat incident, the reason why you can here is unknown!

"Come on Hikaru, let's enter."- It seems like I am the same age as I was back then, Hana is there with me, holding my hand.

My mom opened the door to the cabinet, wait. My mom and dad, look like they are all black shapes, a few features that I can make out, they don't look like I can remember their appearance. Who even are these people?

In the doctor's office, I sat on a chair, a black chair. The moment when the doctor first spoke everything was mute, she didn't have a voice.

"Sia, what is happening?"- I can understand why is there no sound

!There is no sound because there are no memories of the doctor talking to you, aside from a few sentences!

"Is my memory really this bad?"- Turning my head to the right the window was normal, but everything outside was just black with different shapes that resembled lights, a pavement but nothing detailed or specific about the world outside.

Turning to the left I can see the door and white wall, some black shapes that look like wall decorations.

Looking back at the doctor she is talking to my mom, what are they saying? Everything is silent.

"So, your child, these things may be the result of an overactive imagination, he is 14 but he may still have that little kid imagination, which is a good thing"- The doctor spoke for the first time, no I heard her speak for the first time. Her face looked uneasy, putting a brave front for my parents or for me. She looked down at a piece of paper and started writing something on it, maybe prescribing me some medicine. I tried to get up from my chair, well, I didn't but the me from the memory did, it's weird to be in your body but not control it. Back then I got the feeling that the walls were closing in on me and were about to crush me, putting my hands in front of my face.

"Hikaru, what happened?"- My mom, the shape that looked like my mom moved near me and put one of her hands on my shoulder

"The walls, I swear they started to move on their own!"- That's all I could mutter at the time.

"There is nothing to be afraid of, walls don't move"- My dad grabbed me by my shoulder and pulled me up with all of his force.

"Thanks, you miss."- My dad dragged me out of the cabinet.

Back at our house:

We got back home after that, I don't remember the road back home, but all I can say is I found myself returned to the same spot I was when I saw the cat

"Hikaru, you don't have to be sad, remember what the doctor said, it must be your imagination, it's the 2nd time you told me you saw a cat"- We are still in the attic looking around to see what was there to see, I don't know when we arrived here but it seems like this happened twice, so the first time that this happened I had to go to the doctor, now it happened a 2nd time.

"Well, yeah, let's get down from here, Mom and Dad will be back shortly and we need to get ready for dinner"- The only thing I could say, or that I said, I don't know the context here but I think I wanted to make Hana feel better about me and make her worry less.

Mom and Dad arrived shortly after, they were out working all day today and they still have time to cook food for us. These are the only good memories I have of my parents, most of the memories I have left aren't good, I don't have many memories left either.

Everything in the memory shifts again, now it seems like dinner time.

We are now having dinner. Sitting at the table there is a tingling sensation at my feet, almost like someone is tickling me, but before long I feel a hand placed on my left shoulder.

"Hana, did you touch me? I felt someone touch me just a few moments ago"- My parents looked at me nervously, it was like they were hiding something and they didn't know what to say about it, I don't know either.

"It's nothing, Hikaru, I want you to focus on eating right now ok? You might be bewildered too as it's happening right now but you shouldn't worry, the doctor said that things will get better for you if you are taking your medication daily"- My mom smiled at us, she wanted to let some tension off but it doesn't work with me, it's not that easy.

"Yes Mom, but... things like these are what is stopping me in my day-to-day life, it's pretty bad already and I don't even know what I have. Can you please at least tell me, I know you 2 were talking to the medic in private? I want to know what my affliction is!"

"We don't want to talk about it with you. You are still young and we don't know how to tell you"- My dad said these words very quickly.

"I am finished. I will be going to my room"- I finished my food and I went to my room.

"Hikaru, why are you so mad at your mom and dad"- Hana walked near me and patted my head.

"I don't know Hana. I don't know, I want to know what exactly I have, why I have to take meds for such a long amount of time, the doctors say it's imagination, but I don't believe them, I have been seeing them for a long time and still no answer to this day!"- I was angry at that moment, angry at everyone, including Hana.

"It's ok Hikaru"- Hana comforted me by hugging me.

"What shall we do next?"

Yes, what shall I do next?

In the otherworld:

"Sia, did you show any of this to Hana?"- I ask her angry at her for what she has done.

!Yes, but it's different parts of her life, those parts are more complete than your life. I make you look back at these memories as a reminder to you, that your past doesn't matter, you are here now, be the self you never got to be!- Sia's tone wasn't mocking but more protective and motherly this time.

"Easy for you to say. My whole will to live is kind of crumbling right now"- I let out a small chuckle.

"I swear, go back to sleep Hikaru, I can still hear you"- I turned in bed to the other side only to Hana starting at me, it was still night

.

"Oh, sorry for waking you up, I should go back to sleep"- I closed my eyes, but to my surprise, I could hear someone sitting on the bed next to me.

I opened my eyes to see Hana on the bed, lying on her side and staring right into my eyes.

"Ummmmmm, Hana"- I don't know, I didn't have anyone be this close to me for a long time, or I just don't remember.

"Just sleep, don't worry about anything."- Hana wrapped her left hand around me, pulling me closer to her.

"um"

"Just sleep, don't worry, I saw a thing similar to what you had seen, I also need this comfort"- I returned the gesture to Hana and wrapped my right hand around her.

At that time I felt that a small smile formed on my face.