Now or Never

It was time to buckle down and write my paper. I won't bore you with ten pages about Delcoph's scandalous reputation. I remember something about "Delcoph being put on the map after a scandal involving illegal substance trade between classes" (insert source here to sound smart). Addiction grew and people drained their wallets, so money meant for safe energy surfaces was redirected to rehabilitation programs. This made air pollution suck. Wildwood High was right next to a lot of busted dealers, which is why Delcoph High students called them "crackheads."

I submitted the paper with an apology for turning it in so late.

✎✎✎

I'd hoped that I wouldn't find her. But the little brunette was in front of the first set of grey lockers I laid eyes on. When I saw her, I charged, for better or worse. Probably worse. Like down in the dumps, I was digging my own grave, worse than worst.

I know. You want to know what this conversation was like. You need to take in my newfound insanity. You're waiting for me to stop stalling and tell you what happened.

I forget this is supposed to be a non-book. I've gotta be careful before I wind up sounding like an author.

Whatever. It's not like anyone's reading it anyway.

"HEY!" I can't believe I just said that. What was I thin- "Hey!"

Well crap.

Coming off a little strong there? Tiny Person yanked on the cell bars. You need me.

Her face pulled down at the corners. "What!?"

Good question. What was I doing here again? I didn't notice the crowd of friends that had gathered. All I saw was her.

"Ben? I got your letter. You don't have to yell."

"Oh. Good. Sorry."

"What's this about?"

My hands fell into my hoodlum sweatshirt pockets. "I think you know."

Her aura changed like a snap of a finger. "Could you please…just go? I don't-"

"No."

"Ben, I've gotta-"

"Now you're busy? What happened to talking?"

She was talking down to me. Which shouldn't be possible since Julia's like five foot four or something. Despite disabling Tiny Person, anger, hostility, brokenness, and chaos grabbed me by the wheel and took a turn for the explosives.

Her words struck the déjà vu chord. "I don't know what your problem is, but-"

"My problem?"

"Yes, your problem. All I did was-"

"Do you know how hard it is for someone like me to feel this way about someone and admit it?" I cut her off. "Do you have any idea how impossible it seems? How impossible it should be?"

Great, I sounded like her now.

"Ben, I was trying to explain how-"

Odd laughter filled my throat. "And that's the problem, isn't it? I'm too stupid to understand anything. Now that I finally do, you've decided it's too late."

"I never-"

I shook her hand off. "You…go on with all this bull-crap that there's nothing wrong with me, but if you really believed that you would've had the common decency to accept that my feelings for you are real." She opened her mouth again. My voice broke. "I never expected a yes."

"Then why-"

"I thought you of all people would've told me the truth! Nobody's ever been honest with me, Julia. Not Kyle, not my parents, not your dad. I can't… don't start lying to me, too."

Her name still felt strange in my mouth.

When her watering pot eyes transformed into a scowl, I knew I was in trouble. If we were on a cruise ship and not a high school full of Delcoph Wolves, I would've jumped. "You think you can handle the truth?" she demanded.

I firmed my jaw and nodded. There was a long pause before she opened her mouth again.

"I don't like you like that. I will never think of you that way."

I managed to raise my eyebrow.

"And if this is how you're going to handle that," she paused. I saw the regret swell with red. "I don't know how we can be friends."

(I should insert two blank pages here. That's how it felt.)

My chest jolted. "You mean that?"

Her voice dropped an octave.

"Yes."

My veins thundered. Not one mention of the why. It didn't matter what she said. She was no different from anyone else.

"Thank you," I said. "Thank you for proving yourself a hypocrite."

Arguing was a fresh adrenaline rush when the consequences of my words seemed a universe away.

"You asked me to tell it to you straight!"

"Yeah, I did," I said. "I'll be waiting when you're ready to give it to me."

It was quiet enough to hear a toothpick drop. I glanced down the hall to find a new baseball cap, red and grey, on a familiar boy's head. It all clicked so fast I thought Tiny person would break lose and grab the control panel again.

He didn't.

Alexander wrapped his hand around her shoulder. "What's going on here, guys?"

Julia's face scowled over. If that was possible. I figured she would yell at me some more, out-insult me. What I didn't expect?

She yanked her bracelet off and forced it into my palm.

"Nothing," she said. "We're done here."

My mouth opened, but I stopped myself. What's the point? I don't know what I'd been thinking. Austin was right. I'd never be good enough for her.

Maybe I never was.

I dropped the bracelet at her feet and gave a little bow. "Yes, we are."

Then I turned on my heel towards therapy.

Rather than the usual mob trying to shove me against the wall, the halls were scattered. I treaded the thin ice. That had been a mistake. A big whopping mistake.

What had I even wanted?

I don't know. I guess a lot of things.

I wanted her to tell me to my face she'd only gone to therapy to fill in numbers. That she'd only saved my life so she wouldn't have to live with the guilt. That even though everything I felt was real, she was in love with someone else.

She needed to admit Alexander was normal. And I wasn't. Tell me I couldn't compete with that.

My feet stopped dead when I heard an extra pair of feet staggering behind me.

She'd come back.

Maybe I'd been wrong. She wasn't ready to throw away the friendship we'd both worked so hard to build. I'm not supposed to understand human emotion. But here we are. I'd never realized how important it was until now. No matter how many times she hurt me, I didn't want to lose that.

But I'm stubborn, so I said this: "I don't want to talk anymore, Julia. Why'd you bother saving my life just to kill me again?"

It still felt strange to say the name. She'd said mine so many times.

"Um…Ben?"

Wait a minute.

I turned around and found brown eyes paired with bright purple eyeliner. Thin eyebrows dipped towards me. Her whole face was framed with bright pink, crinkled hair.

Valerie froze when my eyes pierced into hers.

"Sorry," we mumbled in sync.

She laughed a little. "I saw what happened with you and Julia. Are you okay?"

I banged my head on an open locker. Somehow, I didn't want to lie.

"No."

"Oh, well, that was really brave. A little stupid, but we all knew she wasn't treating you like a human. So, you know, way to call her out on it."

"Thanks."

"Your friendship really is important to her. She's just frustrated. Don't take it too seriously."

My lips lifted an inch higher than before. Well, half a centimeter.

"Um, look." She was even more jittery than usual. "I know that you're hurting right now, and Julia's my best friend, but she can be really stupid sometimes. And there's this end of the year school dance thing that everyone's going to, but my date kind of bailed on me and is going with someone else, so of course Julia's going with Alex and everything, and I know that you're hurting and stuff-"

"You said that already."

I didn't mean it harsh. It was more of a friendly observation.

But I didn't need this. Sit here and get pitied on, asked if I'm alright, hear that I was somehow doing the right thing in all of this. A part of me wondered if that conversation with Julia even happened. It felt like badly written fan fiction.

The presence of Valerie just made it canon.

Julia hadn't come after me.

Her cheeks rosed out a little more. "Yeah, um, but you know you're actually really cute and sweet and stuff, and again I would completely get if you didn't want to, but I already filled out the guest forms and everything and I was wondering if…maybe…you wanted to go with me?"

My heart skipped a beat.

"What?" I choked.

"You know, like, kind of…"

I sighed. I've read this before. "A pity date? I don't-"

"What, no! I just thought that since you're not going with anybody and you're the only other guy who's available who I kind of like or at least, like, tolerate that it might be fun…" She dropped her curl. "That came out wrong. Truth is Ben, I think you'll look really cute in a tux, and I want to go with you."

What?

"Um…why?"

Who in their right or left or center mind…

She giggled. "I wouldn't be asking you out if I didn't like you, Ben."

Woah. What?

Huh?

Who?

No.

Why?

I'm starting to regret tying up Tiny Person.

After reading my face, her breaths came out hysterical. "Alright, so you'll pick me up at eight then?"

"I didn't say yes."

She grinned. "I figured you just forgot how."

Huh?

What is this?

This is not normal there is not a girl talking to me voluntarily what is even happening at this moment in time and oh boy she's laughing again.

"Are you serious?" I said.

"Sirius as Black."

"But…why?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you? You're cute. I'm cute. Let's go dress up and dance instead of sobbing at home like a couple of wimps. If you hate it, we can leave early and go get some ice cream at your place."

Hold on. I don't think this is a joke. But why won't she stop laughing?

"I don't have a license."

"But you do have a car."

"Um…"

Valerie's curls puffed towards the ceiling. "Do I have to throw myself at you? Cause I will do what I have to. You're going to that dance with me. And if you don't, I'll…I'll…oh, come on it'll be fun!"

I glanced down the hall of red and grey lockers. She wasn't coming.

"Okay, okay. I'll just…"

"I will see you at Stacks at eight-thirty," she said. "Don't be late." When I went to object again, she was gone. What…how…Julia…but…who?

I frowned.

What had I just agreed to?