Chapter 6- 7 days later

It's been a week since he’s been gone. A whole 7 days.

7 days with his laugh.

7 days without his smirk.

7 days without his teasing.

7 days without one of his pranks.

7 days without him.

I’ve cried all of these 7 days. It's been the worst 7 days of my life. If this is 7 days I can’t imagine what 7 years is going to feel like.

Tomorrow I have to go to his funeral. Everyone wants me to speak. I have no idea what I even want to say. What would be good to say? It just pisses me off so much. Yes, he was a piece of work some days, but he was my piece of work. He was so much to so many people. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think it should be just me. I think it's the whole class who should do it, but I don’t know; in fact I don’t know anything anymore. I’ve tried to stop crying every night, but it was like the second he was mine, he was gone. This is so unfair. All of it is just so fucking unfair. But I guess stuff like this just isn’t fair no matter who you are.

I sniffle. God even thinking about it hurts. I know he wouldn’t want me to be sad. But it’s hard not to be. Especially because it was something that couldn’t even be changed.

It was just a death sentence. A ticking time bomb. We were just waiting for the bomb to go off. A bomb that exploded my whole world.

The whole class has been asking me if I was ok, or if I needed anything. Most of the time I just ignore them. I know it's not fair that I’m icing everyone out, but I’ll see them tomorrow. I could ask them to speak too. I’m sure Nakamura would. And Karasuma, no maybe not, but he did learn a lot from him. I don’t know anymore. Sugino would though. Maybe even Terasaka. Isogai would probably.

I could just text and ask.

Nagisa: Would you like to speak at the funeral?

Nakamura: Only if you want me to

Nagisa: I think he would like you to

Nakamura: Then I would love to :)

Luckily she will because I can’t even say his name without tearing up. Time for Sugino I guess.

Nagisa: Wanna speak at the funeral? Nakamura and I are

Sugino: I would be honored. He was one of my closest friends.

Sugino: So it's gonna be you, me, and Nakamura?

Nagisa: Yes and his parents of course. I was thinking of asking Terasaka too

Sugino: Oh why him?

Nagisa: Idk I feel like he would have some nice things to say if that makes sense.

Sugino: I mean I don’t think he would be great at speeches but I trust you Nagisa :)

Nagisa: Thanks

I guess it's time to ask Isogai. He always knows what to say. I guess that's what comes with being a great leader.

Nagisa: Hey would you want to say something at the funeral

Isogai: Of course Karma meant a lot to all of us and I know he meant the most to you so I'm honored you asked me

Nagisa: Thanks Isogai

Isogai: Of course

Now for Terasaka and then I could go to sleep; well I probably won’t sleep, but at least it will be something before the funeral tomorrow. I still can’t believe something like this could happen. Or just that it would happen, but then I guess no one does until it actually does happen. I sigh. I can’t start crying again. I just stopped not that long ago. And I still have a text to send.

Nagisa: Wanna speak at the funeral

Terasaka: Of course. I’m not the best at speeches tho

Nagisa: That’s fine I still haven’t wrote mine

Terasaka: Dude whatever you write will be great and I’m sure it will make Karma smile wherever he ended up

Nagisa: I hope so

I smile. Man I never knew Terasaka could be so nice? Or sentimental I guess? I guess I’ve just never really talked to him about ‘important’ things before. Or ‘emotional’ things. I put my phone on my nightstand. I lay down and look up at my ceiling. Damn I can’t believe this is real life. I’m about to go to my boyfriend's funeral. I didn’t think I would have to say that until we were at least 50 or 60. That's the lowest. Not when we were in junior high, his life was gone before it even got a chance to start. I don’t know if I’m even going to be able to make it through tomorrow. I rolled over and shut my eyes hoping that maybe I could get just an ounce of sleep.

~~~~~~

When I got up I took a shower, put on my best tuxedo and left my hair down. Karma said he liked it that way. I wasn’t even hungry and if I waited any longer I would have been late for the reception. I walk out of my room and I don’t see my mom anywhere. I kind of appreciate the space she is giving me. I walk to the subway when I get there I get told the order of the speeches; that was the only interaction I had with anyone. I just sat in my seat and waited for it to start.

His mom just finished speaking. It was Nakamura’s turn. It would’ve been my turn but they decided to leave mine for last. She got up and went to the stand.

She looked around the room at all of us. I can’t believe in a few minutes that’s gonna be me, and I’m completely unprepared.

“Well I wasn’t really prepared,” oh cool, so it wasn’t just me, but she only had one day I had many, “but I figured maybe it would mean more if it was just on the spot,” Wow, that makes me feel a little better.

“So anyway, Karma was so much to all of us. He was one of my best friends, he was my partner in crime. The only person who would help me in my pranks, hell we would come up with them together sometimes," at this point she was on the brink of tears. She wiped her eyes and moved her long blond hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ears. “He was a master at scheming, but that's not all he was, he was the one person who I could come to with anything. No matter what it was. Things I didn’t even want to tell my girl friends. He was the least judgemental person I know when it came to his friends. Yes, he would tell us off when we were idiots or when we messed up, but no matter what he might’ve said, I know he did it for our own good. And the advice he gave was always great. Sometimes we didn’t want to hear it, but I guess that’s why I would always go to him because I knew he would always give me the cold, hard truth no matter how bad it was.” She was crying at this point. I mean I was too. She was right. He was all those things and a million more. “Yeah anyway I guess I won’t take up all the time I can practically hear him telling me to stop crying and get off the stage and let someone else go. I’m sure he’s snickering at us from hell, with that evil little smirk of his,” she said, getting off the stage as Sugino got onto it.

“Hey, I didn’t write one either because how am I supposed to know what to even write? I mean one of my classmates- no one of my best friends is lying in a casket right now and there wasn’t even a single thing we could do,” he sniffled. “I thought of Karma as this cool, smart guy, who was a little too evil for his own good. And one that only cared about himself and if we were lucky, someone who would hurt others, and enjoy it a tad bit too much, to save his friends.” He took a deep breath. “God I couldn’t be more wrong. I didn’t know about Karma’s condition until I saw him,” he started to get choked up a bit. After a few seconds he cleared his throat. “U-until I saw him i-in the hos-hospital; I wish he would have told us sooner. When I found out how long he h-had it. I didn’t know how to feel. He never once stopped playing baseball with me, and wh-en I think about how bad he must have been hurting when he did, it tears me up inside. I just wish he would have told us. We used to think he was a slacker that got to skip class because of his pure wits, natural talent, and a dash of luck. Now I feel terrible for not knowing that coming to training was probably a struggle. Ok well anyway I’m just rambling at this point, so I should just get off and let someone else go,” he said with a sad smile. He walked off.

Terasaka hesitated before walking up.

“So I guess none of us prepared one, well unless Isogai did, but I know Karma probably wouldn't have either. His still would’ve probably been the best though. He was so good at being the best even when doing the least. I always wished I could be like him. He was so arrogant and cocky sometimes, but that was just him. He was always the brains of the operation, so maybe he had a reason to be so arrogant. I never liked the guy in the beginning. He viewed me as an idiot and I viewed him as some jerk who thought too much of himself. But there was one day where we could see past that and work together. And that day I saw him as something more than some jerk who should just shut up. After that we would still mess with each other, but it felt like we were actually friends or at least not just the brains and the brawn. I would give anything for him to call me an idiot one last time,” he cleared his throat, clearly holding back tears, “yeah so anyway that’s all. I hope he’s happy wherever he is." Isogai went up as he was getting off.

"I thought of preparing one, but they're are so many things to say that it can't be fit into just one speech. Um so about Karma; I always wished I had just a tad bit of that confidence. I always thought that he would be a better leader than me, but he never wanted to be in the spotlight leading things. He preferred to stay in the background which is almost more admirable. I wish he would've told us, but honestly I could see why he didn't. He wanted us to be happy," he sniffled trying to hold back the tears, "he was, despite how he acted at times, one of the most thoughtful and caring people," he cleared his throat before finishing, "but yeah I'd say it's about Nagisa's turn."

He got off and whispered quietly in my ear, “you got this Nagisa; just speak from the heart.”

Oh you mean the heart that was chewed up and spit out a week ago? Yeah that shouldn’t be too hard. Man, is it too late to back out now? Probably. I get up on shaky legs. As I walk up to the podium I can practically hear him say, “you got this Nagi-chan.” He was always my biggest cheerleader no matter what the situation was. He pushed me to my limits and always made me do my best.

When I get up on the stage and see the sea of crying people I feel a few tears prick my own eyes. God I really need to get it together.

“So Terasaka was right. None of us wrote one because I didn't write one either. So I guess we all took a page out of K-karma’s handbook,” good just saying his name is gonna make me break down. “Um, I guess people wanted me to say something c-cause I knew him b-best. And I guess they might be r-right, but I don’t k-know. I don’t know a-anything anymore. H-he hid i-t from me too. And he said it w-was because he didn’t wan-na scare me, but I loved that evil little sadist t-to the ends of the earth; I s-still d-do and I always w-will,” I can feel the hot tears running down my face. Oh great, I'm crying now. I try to wipe them off, but there's too many, so after a second or two I give up. “So anyway Karma was the only one who didn’t make fun of me for how I looked. He even said it suited me, he said the pigtails were a huge improvement, but he’ll miss it being down, so that’s why it’s down today. I bet he’d come back and haunt me for not looking my best. I thought that m-maybe we’d grow old together a-as cheesy as that sounds. I know his g-host will come back and throw something at me for that. I never thought that I never thought that I would have to b-b-bury, god I hate even saying it, I can’t believe I’m b-bury not only my boyfriend but also my best friend, the one person who has been there with me through everything, in our last year of junior high. No one should ever have to do that. Yeah I guess that’s all. I just hope you guys remember him in a good light," I look down after getting off the stage. I’m sure they already had seen the tears, but maybe I can pretend they didn’t.

I hope that that was good enough. I sat back in my seat. I couldn’t even look at the audience, but I could feel all of them looking at me.

The priest goes back and says some parting words before it is over. The second it is done I could feel myself leaving; I didn’t even wait for my mom. I almost made it to the door before his mom stopped me.

“Hi Nagisa, Karma wanted me to give this to you. He didn’t say all of what was in it, all he said was to give it to Nagi-chan at his funeral, but to only open it once and put something in it, and that it was only for you.”

“Thank you Mrs. Akabane,” before I could leave she stopped me again.

“Oh and this,” she handed me an envelope which probably held a card inside. God Karma you really had to go the extra mile, even in death.

“Anyway, I’ll let you go, you know. Just know that Karma loved you more than anything, but I’m sure you knew that. Thank you for caring for our son,” with that she turned around and left. I sigh and look at the box. Huh what could Karma possibly have that he wanted to put in a box and give it to me at his funeral as if it was hard enough. I don’t know if I should be mad or touched. I walk to the subway and sit on it waiting for it to take me home.

~~~~~~

When I get there, my mom is there. She was going to say something, but I hurried to my room so fast she didn’t get a chance to. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little curious at what was in this box.

I see the envelope. It had open first on it. What I saw on it broke me to the core.

Dear Nagisa,

Yeah so if you're reading this I’m dead. I bet you’re wondering what’s in this box. ;) But you’re gonna have to wait just a bit for that. So anyway, I’ll keep this short because I have two more letters in there. I know I’m so extra, but hey I’m dead so if you want to yell at me you’re gonna have to find a psychic I promise I won’t pick up.

Love, Karma

By the way, read the letters in order because yes they are also labeled. I know I’m so extra, but I’m dead so I can be as extra as I want.

Love, Karma.. again

I could feel the hot tears streaming down my face. He was the only person I know that would do something like this. Part of the end was written in a different color, as if it was an afterthought or if he ran out of ink. What a goofball. God, I don’t even know if I can open this. This is all I have left of him. I waited almost 20 minutes until I opened the box. I gently take off the lid and place it next to me. I picked up the first envelope. It was labeled Read First. God I don’t know if I can. I gently take it out and start reading.

Hey its me again,

So I guess you read the note. I knew you would be curious. ;) So I have a lot to tell you. I hope I got to tell you some of it when I was alive, but as of writing this note I haven’t. So if I don’t it’ll be in this letter. Nagia Shiota. The one boy who saw past my sadistic personality. It might sound dumb, but some days I would dream of a life together because, yeah, I liked you. Like A LOT as dumb as it sounds or seems. I know you probably don’t like me back, but I figured I can’t feel rejection if I’m dead. Or maybe my ghost can.

Except if I’m anything I’ll be a demon and we both know that. Maybe a poltergeist. Either way I promise to torment people. Anyway, back to what I was saying. So yeah you were there for me when no one else was and I hope I get to tell you that. I would like to see your face even if you don’t feel the same. I’ll let you look in the box now. There are also some note cards in there. You can read them before or after you look at the stuff. I mean I can’t really say anything about it. But if something ever randomly falls off your shelf just know, it was me ;)

Love, Karma

God he was SO actually I don’t even know what to call him. He was just Karma. I just know I have no idea what I’m going to do without him. My rock is gone and I’m falling. And I’m falling hard and fast. I look inside the box. I wiped the tears out of my eyes and tried to mentally prepare myself for whatever I was about to read. God, why did you have to do this to me. I looked at the letter for a few minutes before I opened it.

I know you probably can’t believe there is another note. ‘Like oh my god shut up and let me see inside the box already.’ I bet you’re DYING(see what I did there?) to know. But I’m the dead one and I get to choose the rules. SO ANYWAY, I wanted to tell you that I love you more than anyone in the world and I’m really happy I got to tell you that. And when you said you loved me back I knew that it would make you sad when I was gone. I don’t know if I say this when this to you before I die so I figured I should write it too.

Nagi-chan you’re right next to me when I’m writing this. When I go, which could be today or tomorrow or in a year or two if I’m lucky; I know it won’t be though. I know it will be soon, so I don’t have lots of time. I won’t make it longer than it needs to be.

Nagi-chan I don’t want you to be sad so don’t. I hate it when you cry. It hurts me more than any sickness ever could. I hope you can find someone out there that will love you as much as I did, and I hope you love them too. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was sick sooner;

I was scared it would make you worry too much. I mean I wasn’t wrong, was I? Anyway this is all. Oh! Actually make sure to look on the back of the stuff and the tags. Ok I love you with everything in me

Love, Karma

God, I can’t believe him. This made him both the best and worst person at the same time. I don’t know if this gave me closure or if it broke my heart even more. Karma always knew how to surprise people in the strangest ways. He should know I won’t find someone better than him. Nobody was him, and nobody could ever replace him. Not ever.

I looked inside the box. I couldn’t choose between looking at the cards first or looking at all the stuff there was a decent amount, so I guess I'll leave those for last.

I picked up the notecards. There was a decent amount of those too. I must've taken him a long time to do all these. I take off the first one and read it.

Hey these are all the things that made me fall in love with you, or the times that made me fall in love with you again. Oh also I don't know if you remember this, but that day I yanked my phone away from you. I was writing ideas on what to write on these. That's kinda what I was doing every day.

Oh Karma, why did you have to do this to me? I slowly pick up the note cards one by one.

So first and foremost, is how you never judged me, you accepted me for me. Not a lot of people did that.

I picked up another one.

Another one is the way you stick your tongue out when you’re really focused. Especially when you get really focused on playing that game on my phone that you love so much.

I didn’t even think he noticed that.

I love your icy blue hair and how you learned to embrace it. I hope you keep doing that. It’s not something to be embarrassed about Nagi-chan. Don’t forget to leave it down a little bit of the time, and when you do, think about me, will ya’ ;)

He was the first to not make fun of me for it; well other than the continuous times he used me for pranks, which now that he's gone, I wish I could do one more with him.

The day I saw you at the store buying the new Sonic Ninja Magazine, I knew you were the one for me. I don’t know if that’s dumb or not y’know since I didn’t really believe in love at first sight, but when I saw you I could tell why people did.

I’ve always been one to believe in love at first sight. I also believed in soulmates. I just thought it was nice to think about there being the perfect person out there for you. I would like to think that Karma was mine because I couldn't imagine anyone better for me than him.

And I don’t even think I have to mention that cute little laugh of yours. And the way your eyes crinkle up at the ends when you smile really wide.

I knew I was crying, but how couldn’t I? He pointed out stuff I didn’t even notice about myself. I would do anything for him to be here right now. Or to at least be with him.

So I love the way you blush at even the smallest things. You might think I don't see you blushing, but I do, and it's the cutest thing ever.

Wow, so he did notice. It always made me more embarrassed when he pointed it out so maybe that's why he never said anything. He can make the things I hate most about myself sound like good things. But I guess to him they were good things.

So this is the last one I’m gonna write. More than anything I love how you made me feel. You made me feel special I guess. I mean if that makes sense? I know that you probably didn’t even mean to, but I guess that’s really all.

I wish I could tell him how special he made me feel. He could make me feel happy in ways no one else could. I wasn't the freak that looked like a girl to him. I was his best friend and more, and that meant more than anything to me.

I gently put the rubber band back around the notecards and place them back in the box. I look at the box and start to pick up some of the random items.

First comes the mixtape. I picked it up and looked at the note attached to it. Oh my gosh, how much did he do?

This is a mixtape I made you. There are some bangers on there. I put some on there that made me think of you. I also put some on there that you might find relatable; I know how you are Nagi-chan. And I know you probably don’t have anything to play a mixtape, so I also put it on a CD. The songs are the same.

I see the CD. I smile. He really did think of everything. He was right too; I don’t have anything that will play a mixtape, but I assume he did it for the retro aspect. I pick up the next thing. It was his blue Nintendo DS with a few game cartridges next to it, a few I recognize and a few I don’t. There was note taped to the DS. I look at the note.

I played this all the time. You probably will even recognize some of the games since we used to play it together, y'know when we first got to know each other.

I flip it open wondering if there is even still battery left. I open it and the light illuminates my face. He must have charged it. I look at the cartridge inside; it's the first game I ever watched him play on it. I wonder if he did that on purpose, knowing Karma he probably did. The next thing I picked up was a printed out picture of the whole class together. I flip it over, so I can see the back.

This is the only picture I have of all of the class together. I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish I took more pictures of us. If I would’ve known what I know now, I would’ve taken more.

I kind of wish we would’ve taken more too. I would like to have more pictures of him. I only have the few pictures of him that we would take on our phones from time to time. I pick up another one of the remaining items. It was a limited edition copy of a Sonic Ninja comic. It had something taped to the back.

Hey, I wanted you to have this. I know you didn’t get one, so I decided to give you mine. I feel like if anyone should have it, it should be you. I figured you would wanna read it.

I remember the day he told me he got that. I begged him to let me read it, but he said I would get to read it over his dead body. I guess he wasn’t wrong. I didn't even know if I could pick up the next thing.

You left this at my house the day you stormed out. I don't know if you forgot about it or not, but yeah every time I saw it, it reminded me of you; now I hope every time you see it, it reminds you of me. (Also maybe you can get better at claw machines and get your own ;))

That was the Sonic Ninja plush was the second to last thing in the box. I don't think I even want to look at the last thing. I grab it and flip it over.

So this is your valentine's day gift. I know I'm going to want to give it back to you, but I want to write something on it first. I'm writing this as the nurses are checking some vitals and stuff and while you're in the hall. But I just wanted you to know, Nagi-chan, that this is the photo of when my life began, and I'm glad that you let me see it one more time before I went because I know I'm done for soon. Just know I love you more than anything.

I flipped it over and looked at the first photo we ever took together. I could feel the tears pouring. I take the other photo of the class and pin both of them above my desk, so they'll be where I can always see them. I put everything else back and closed the lid. I just sit here for a minute trying to take it all in. I can’t believe he gave me all this stuff. I’m still struggling to process the fact that he's gone and now I have to process the fact that he gave me all this stuff. I'll never figure out how to live without him.

Karma Akabane you will always, and I mean ALWAYS, be the love of my life.