The thoughts of realisation

As things happened over the months I have yet not write about other interaction since all the interactions were the same . Now it's the holiday, I have text him less. I missed when we text a lot but things happened somehow . Sometimes I really wished that I'm not the one who always texts first .

I'm not that type of person who knows how to keep a conversation going but looked like to me 'him' he knows how to keep the conversation going. I thought about he would if he wants. There was this one time I had felt some kind of weird sad feelings as I saw him talking to other people just fine. I wished he would do the same but then I could only daydream about it.

My feelings towards him was confusing and I had always tried to avoid it but as these past months, I came to my realisations that I have been liking him without realising it. I always thought I would not have these such feelings towards him but it came anyway.

I know I can't control this feelings even though I like him I would rather let it be a friendship than a relationship. He's a good friend and I wouldn't want to lose him because of such feelings I have.

I remember telling him that I get easily attached ,he advised me not to be so easily attached since it would be hard to let go. He told me he would just let go of the person if the person wouldn't want to be with him in such any connection he had with them.

Right in the moment now, his advised was right but there was something about the advise that didsn't seem right to me . If you love that someone you wouldn't let it go easily until you have your own satisfaction as in comfirmation that person weren't really the person you were be with.

Sometimes if I ever fell hopeless I would searched something that would relate in the situation I am in. I know it's ridiculous to do things like but at least I won't kept guessing myself.

I recalled that I searched about liking someone unexpectedly, when the result were shown most of it I really felt it.

There was one that I really felt it where it mentioned, one of the hardest feeling is when you accidentally liked a friend. You can't decide because you'll have to choose between two risks,confess but there's a 'chance that they would stay away from you' or 'keep them and just let your feelings towards them fade'.

Between those two option I chose the second one since I cherished the friendship and I'm afraid to lose it. People say it's better to do than later before you might regret . Even though I hope the feelings would fade away but there is a little hope that I would wait.

Due to that I felt confused would I really want those feelings to fade away or confess but have to wait a little longer.Though I'm his senior he is good in his studies while I'm trying to survive for certain subjects which is mostly all the subjects I took.

There was this time, the day was parent teacher meeting, I got my result and I was not happy about it yet I expected it would turned out that way. On the same day , he asked about my result but I was too embarrassed to show him .

He kept insisting that I show him and told me he won't judge it.Then I made a deal that he has to show his result too. When he saw his result I was amazed how well he did in his academics. I hesitated for a bit but at last I showed him .

I really felt embarrassed but I guessed he comforted me by saying that my subjects were way harder than his. Those words kind of really made me good a little bit and he encouraged me to keep trying.

During those days before holiday came, the interaction I had with him,I could only think of was me as usual greeted him bye after school if I ever saw him.Now I thought about it I don't think it was counted as an interaction more like just a passer-by moment.

Despite knowing him in real life I felt that I had only known him from online and never meet outside online. Of course , I ever meet him and talked to him but the type of talk would be like 2 to 3 words and that's it.

I'm still puzzled by the fact that I could talk to people without feeling awkward but when it comes to him the awkward was there existing between us like a wall .Whenever I tried to talk to him my mind went blank. I guessed we both more comfortable to communicate by texting.

By texting I could think for long of what I'm about to send and could be more careful in what I'm about to send.Plus, I really like to send stickers whenever I text . Before those realisations came to me I asked him if he ever thought I might like him.

He replied no.That time I was relived to see the replied because he might thought I liked him because I couldn't stop thinking about. He asked why did I asked, I said because I was curious .The way I thought I might keep it platonic but I didn't. As there is a saying " it will come the less you expected" . Sighed to me.

I just hope during the holiday I might slowly gather up some courage to talk to him in real life without feeling awkward .