Incoherence of My Earliest Memories(?)

I suppose I'll start out by introducing myself and I guess I'll narrate as if I am merely talking to you directly, basically like a diary if anything, which also makes sense with how i plan on fleshing out these so call 'short stories' if you will, it'll be out of order most likely but pretty much just my memories as they come to me, no matter how old or new they are but incoherence is probably going to be very prevalent in this aforementioned 'diary'.

My name, who I am. I am unsure of that part however my name is simply Giacomo. I am currently twenty and, wait let me check the date really quick, twenty and four, nearly five days old. Not that that matters that much but yes it was just my birthday. Proof of my incoherence already is the fact that it felt like yesterday, now I understand that might be odd and sounds like something an 'old' person would say but whatever, it's true, I guess.

Now if I had forced myself to remember something anything I'd most likely fail miserably but if I had to say it'd be only dating as far back as eight grade. I'm aware that isn't that far back and I'm a bit ashamed of it but yes, eighth grade. My friend and I, Nick, had been messing around outside the classroom waiting for the teacher and i had called him stupid or some shit and he hit me with a wwe style ddt, put my head under his arm facing opposite of me and leaned back dropping me right on my head.

I remember springing right up instantly trying to shake it off, and oddly enough I specifically remember the teacher walking around the corner right then and Nick had simply said "I am NOT getting in trouble for that."

I had dark and blacked out/blurry vision from the hit to my head yet i definitely got right up and walked to the classroom. I remember almost "coming to" sitting at my desk and it had genuinely seemed like I had woken up right then and there, I had minor, maybe could even be considered a major confusion. I simply asked everyone when we had rearranged the classroom and supposedly it hadn't been for months. It was almost like I had forgotten it, most likely due to hitting my head.

Now. I've always had shitty memory, or at least since that moment due to the fact I haven't been able to remember much before that moment since that very moment. I'm unaware of whether or not that might be the cause, but I think it is at least part of it.

There are multiple problems with my memory honestly, there's the fact that none feel like my own on top of them being broken and fragmented only remember very few random things at a time.

I'm utterly incomprehensible, even to myself, I want to pour my genuine feelings onto the page and i had taken a break last night and ended up passing out before continuing this entry (or whatever) but now my feelings are so clouded and melancholic. I feel this overwhelming sadness, maybe it was because I skipped my meds last night but even then, this feeling is something so unfathomably powerful, like a waterfall gushing upon my head, suffocating me, forcing me down. It appears to have come out of nowhere, I've felt many complicated feelings before, but I can't remember it ever being this utterly depressing.

It is killing me, it's close to extreme nostalgia but very melancholic and depressing, maybe this is another one of those minor episodes I've had that my doctor had explained as an emotional flashback, something must've triggered it and now I'm feel these complex emotions, feelings I feel as a child. Something, something that was too much for me to handle before and is still reoccurring because of it. This absolute, overpowering feeling of confusing, dread, sadness, nostalgia, anxiety, I'm so utterly confused and vulnerable at this very moment. I'm afraid someone would talk to me, text me, I don't want that, that'd be too much and i might snap at them, I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to be hurt.

I, I want this to end. Immediately, but I don't know how to make this stop.

Maybe listening to some music from my favorite game but actually no. That might have been one of the triggers to this feeling. i hit play with my headphones anyways as I'm typing this. hopefully it makes a difference. It did. Now I may cry. Its so beautiful but it the most heartbreaking way. The tears are slowy building up i dont want this to continue, im making so many errors while typing this but at this point does it matter. I probably wont post this anyways. I just want this feeling to stop.

My friend invited me to his xbox party just now but i wouldt be able to talk now so i dont know if i should join it. I am so unfathomably scared. Of what? What exactly am i so scared of. Myself, my feelings. this unbearable life of mine, Sure people have it worse but to me this is almost driving me to my grave, almost literally. I regret so much. I dont want to die. I cant fathom it.

Something ive always thought to myself, growing up. I specifically remember multiple times i had thought to myself "who am I" why me, why am i alive, my own sentience is traumatic in a sense, almost as if i cant comprehend beong alive, being myself, who am i actually? What does it mean to be alive, i could never grasp it.

Asking myself this question instantly gives me an out of body experience, I feel disconnected from my own thoughts and body and soul. I close my eyes and imagine myself floating, on my bed, spinning around in a jet black abyss. Almost like im orbiting a black hole. I am not superstitious or delusion, well maybe that second one but could something like that truly been happening? What if that was something supernatural?

What does it mean to be oneself? One whole being? Is there such thing? are we all incoherent beings that merely rebound off of each other, forming each other, holding each other down and bring each other up. Life is like the universe, ever expanding from a certain starting point, that point maybe being God if you will, now that my episode is over ill coherently come back to this point later but as of now think of the world or God as a ball of invisible yarn. We are attached at the waist to said ball and our goal is to, like i said prior, expand. Some have shorter starting points than others, some choose not to expand and make progress, some force their way outwards, while others question the invisible laws of this world, some may even figure something out and go backwards to untangle themselves to make major progress in expansion.

Now the question of God, do I believe, yes. Is there a god, no. most likely not. However, the very fact that we can ask ourselves what our purpose is or whether he exists or not inherently has value, my favorite anime has a character that said something along the lines of "fakes are inherently more valuable than the real thing due to their direct pursuit of being real."

Now i like this because whether or not god exists, believing, false or not has value due to the fact that that very belief would possibly impact the believer positively, so false gods are just as valuable, the fact of faith is plenty.

I, in this short span of time, although didn't figure out who i am or what it means to be oneself, to be alive still made progress and surpassed that episode tenfold. So that is all for tonight I suppose I am alive for now. I will not die anytime soon, so if you read this, thank you and forgive the typos, i won't change them due to it being my pure, incoherent emotions. Yet they were at least mine. This is all for now, ill update you again later this week....

Goodnight. Thank you.