An Inexplicably, Unfathomable Feeling

Where does one even BEGIN to understand such powerful emotions akin to what ever this feeling could possibly be.

To be such a failure of a person is possibly the biggest horror I can fathom, I wrote so much just now and poured absolutely everything I have or ever will have into such powerful sequences of sentences. This my biggest loss yet however these feelings will not be stopped unless I die, even then though I might die I would be certain these emotions have already been forever etched into the very concept and existence of this world.

As a child I completely failed to socialize or gaing anything remotely close to a friend, not even a crush, a real one until recently. I moved homes and schools many times, got to highschool and stayed at a single one for some time unlike before and while I was there, at the start of the very first day something in me felt change was necessary and my fourteen year old brain came up with an absolutely genius plan to act, literally just act in a way to fit in. Despite being a failure as a human from the starting line, being alienated from my own humanity in it's entirety, I came across a fitting method to fit in, which clearly reinforced my already blatant lack of identity or character. I'm diagnosed with a handful of terrible conditions and have such a tragic mental state.throughout my entire life I've been less than human in its conventional meaning. I made surface level, superficial friendships, naturally with the situation I am in, and even up until graduation I had no real friends. Not until after, the summer after highschool I had made incredibly unconventional friends. Although in some ways they had saved me I was still fundamentally different. I started medication and therapy then also and that wasn't a remotely hopeful front yet still pushed through. Just some months from now will mark the three years I had lost, nothing to my name, no materialistic things nor sentimental things. I have made zero progress in this farce of a struggle and have been left with such a massive fishure in my very existence. I had options, infinite options, yet chose nothing. Having so much potential but incapable of doing anything. I'm fundamentally less than human. My friends have helped but not nearly enough. I've been blessed in this past month the with the realization that I'm not lacking the one thing I've valued most despite never experiencing it remotely. Although it's forced me to accept hard things about myself I still have accepted them. The one thing I've needed was a specific person thay completes my existence. That resonated with my soul, this man, as a man, I love more than anything I've ever known about this world. To hear his laugh, for him to acknowledge my existence, for him to have trust and faith in me, to accept my unique character and issues while relating to many of these issues, this one human being has completely shifted my entire soul in such a way that I'm constantly on edge yet it being such a good feeling that I don't want to leave. There's many barriers though, I've never met him face to face, for starters. Regardless of all that I need this man in my life in some way. I want to grow closer to him, learn more, I want to help him with his struggles even if only to be there as reassurance. He has single handedly cured my lack of purpose, my void in my existence, there's not a second I don't think about him. I've known him for two or more years and have gotten close to him, but I need more. I am fine with only being friends if it means he opens up properly or we became truly close. There's an inexplicable feeling deep within my existence that must be known, never shamed, always accepted and shared with everyone. To live without feeling this at some point simply isn't possible. At twenty years of age I have finally, truly come to know love. I lost so many powerful words and lost the ability to express a lot of this and this is the second try. Regardless, I want to express this in the most elegant and pure way possible and I've failed that part but no matter what I absolutely will express these feelings. Despite everything all facts considered I have genuinely become something closer to a complete human being. I've genuinely grown to know this man, befriend him, and ultimately come to this paradoxical realization, it's a blessing but a curse. It hit all at once and I accepted it nearly immediately, I'm so unbelievably, unconditionally in love with this person. I am concerned for their well being to no limits, I need them to be ok, struggling and hardship is necessary yes, but unnecessary pain must be avoided. I cannot see this in any way other than my very soul craving another person, my lack of ability to feel emotions properly is almost completely gone and through him I've felt more emotions than what I've felt through myself in my entire life. Not only that but I have gained confidence, happiness, faith in myself and others in general, this unreciprocated feeling is already unfathomably powerful and life changing. One person on my mind so much and dragging me through so many thoughts and emotions shouldn't be this hard to handle, there's so much to consider despite me thinking about this constantly for a month. I have so much to say, so much that I feel, to such an absurd extent that it's making it impossible to think of write anything specific. I'm still unsure if I want to show anyone what I'm writing honestly. This is such a strange experience that it doesn't even feel real majority of the time. There's so much I want to do, so much I need, all pertaining to one person. This feels like a cliche, fairy tale, fiction, this has been thoroughly thought of and foreshadowed/built up. Life is beautiful. It holds so much weight, an unfathomably amazing thing. I'm feeling love, love is what I'm feeling, I'm in love, and I love you. To be a part of this story is everything to me, my life, my future, my feelings for him, I'm thankful. God certainly exists.