Chapter-11: Nothing Feels Righter Than Us

Keshav

Distance. I've lost the concept of distance with her. I stay away, and here she is, sitting right beside me. I turn away and still feel her close. I turn over and get caught up in her smile. My eyes are helplessly stuck on her, my mind doesn't listen to me and my hands don't restrain. My body is betraying me.

We are not meant to be. Yet, here we are, sitting side by side, one day away from the summer holidays. Yes, another semester is ending, and we're still where we were a year ago. Slow doesn't even cover what we are doing. I can't pull away from her, nor would I push forward in this relationship. It feels like we are stuck in an infinite loop of a single state.

If we are not quite lovers, not just friends, then what are we? Why do I like this? I am a person with good control over myself, but since I met her, I haven't kept a single promise I made to myself. For the first time, I am not winning, and I am not losing either, but why do I feel this sense of loss every time I am with her? With each day passing, I feel her feelings diminishing towards me, which is a blessing. It helps me get over her. But the war inside me only multiplies.

I don't want to win her, but I can't lose her. When did I become so indecisive? Right, since I met her. I know that the more I love her, the more I have to lose. Then, why am I not able to reach out? I am losing the fight against myself. I just can't lose her.

My entire life, I have never desired anything with this intensity. This is love. That's what I said to myself until a while ago, but now? Love doesn't cover what I feel for her. Why? Even though we did nothing special, nothing grand happened between us, yet my feelings intensified. What is making me love her so much?

"You." The voice snaps me out of my stupor. For a second, I thought I said the last part aloud, to which she responded, but then she smiled and waved a hand before my face, and I realized she was just trying to get my attention.

"Yes?" I give a genuine smile.

"When is your train tomorrow?" I am returning home tomorrow. This will be the first time staying at home after they got divorced, which I am actively trying to avoid thinking about. Yes, the divorce trials happened during the Pongal holidays. While everyone celebrated the festival, I celebrated their divorce. The divorce was finalized after I returned to campus, which was good because I don't want to be there when they quarrel for the last time. It was decided that I was better off staying in my childhood home while my parents moved out. My grandmother decided to move in with me to keep me company when I came back for the holidays. So, tomorrow, me and my grandmother will have the house to ourselves.

"Six in the morning."

"Hmmm. I am leaving at 5." I already know that. That's why I booked my ticket for six. I can send her off before leaving.

"Oh. That's good. Let me send you off then." She gives me that cute, knowing smile before turning back to talk with the others.

We are sitting in Java Green, having our last meal on campus this semester. My last meal with Aadhira this semester I ordered a Margherita pizza for the both of us with a lot of cheese. She loves cheese just as much as she loves to have it with Sprite and lots of gossip. That brings a smile to my lips, and I chew on yet another bite of the pizza. The chatting goes on, and Aadhira tries to involve me in the conversations as much as possible, even though I don't mind sitting idle. She became fast friends with everyone I know. So much so that they invite her to dinners along with me. She's a social butterfly like that, and who wouldn't want to be friends with her? She has a lot to talk about and will never let you feel alone. She has a habit of making her presence known.

For the rest of the dinner, I sat back and watched her talk as I got lost in the song being played. 'Teri Yaadein' by Shrey Singhal

***

I don't remember closing my eyes, but by the time I opened my eyes, I was still in the canteen, sitting in my seat, but everyone else was gone, except Aadhira. I get up and tap her shoulder. She's been looking at her phone and looking at me while tapping. Again, she smiles. It's her natural instinct to smile as soon as she makes eye contact with anyone.

"Get up. Let's go; it's too late," she says.

"Where's everyone else?"

"They left. We should leave too."

We leave together, and I don't know why, but my body felt jittery, and I suddenly don't want her to go. The closer her hostel gets, the more uneasy I feel.

"Let's take a walk to the lake," I suggested.

"Are you sure? It's late. I don't think it would be good if anyone saw us." Yes, it's not the safest idea, but I am done playing safe. I can't let her go—not just from her home but from my heart too. She must stay. I need her to stay.

At that time, I could feel my resolve breaking. There were a lot of cracks from previous months, but right now, all of it is breaking apart. To fill the awkward silence, I say "Tell me about your family."

"Ah. I already told you about them. Both my parents are teachers. They moved to Vijayawada from Kurnool after they got married. They had me in their 4th year of marriage and always wanted to make me a doctor, but finally decided that if not a doctor, engineering is good enough. I always wanted to be an artist, but my parents never took it seriously. Maybe it's because I never took it seriously myself. I always had so many interests when it came to the arts that it was hard to choose between them."

"There must be one of them that you can't compromise with, right? Something that you must do?"

"I don't know if I feel that way about it. I just like all of them. Singing, drawing, painting, sports, and whatnot. I always liked to do things in person." She shrugs in nonchalance, but I can't help but think she's not saying everything. But since she doesn't want to share, I let it go.

"Let's sit here for a while," I suggest as we reach the lake. She looks around in hesitation and then nods in agreement. We sit down in the grass. Not long ago, I had a panic attack right here, and she helped me calm down. Even though I don't remember the details, I remember her touch and her eyes very well. That day, she broke yet another barrier to my trust. I don't know how, but things she does as common courtesy still make me feel special.

"What are you going to do in the summer?" She leans back on her palms and stretches her legs in a relaxed movement. Actually, my grandmother, who is supposed to stay with me, used to stay in Vijayawada. She is my grandfather's sister on my father's side. She stays with her son and daughter-in-law. A year ago, her son left to go abroad, and she's been staying alone ever since. She asked whether I wanted to spend some time with her before she moved to Vizag, and I said yes. Aadhira doesn't know that I am going to stay in the same city as her this summer. It's a surprise.

"I haven't decided yet. What about you?"

"I am not going anywhere. Going home is a vacation in itself. I just want to relax at home and forget about college."

"That could be hard because we still have to complete the online courses mentioned in the curriculum before they close it."

"By the way, have you submitted the semester project?"

"Yes. Long ago. Isn't the due date a week ago?" I asked. I have personally seen her work on the project. Didn't she submit it? Did she forget to submit?

"Yeah. I submitted it, and your name didn't seem to be on the list. So, I wondered if you forgot or failed to submit it."

"oh, ok. No worries, then. I hope I can relax in the holidays."

"Me too. I am afraid I'll sleep through the holidays." I just laughed in response. Aadhira likes to be in bed. It's not like I know it from experience, but whenever we chat or talk to each other on the mobile, she's usually in bed or on her room's balcony. I also know that she doesn't use her desk to study, which only leaves her with the bed as a study place. We stay silent for a while, enjoying the cool breeze near the lake. Aadhira is now sitting with her arms around her knees and her legs folded upwards. She swings slowly as she hums to herself.

"It feels so peaceful here." I look at her calm, serene expression, and I smile at how nice this feels. To be with her like this. You rarely see Aadhira sit back like this. She's always so energetic and doesn't stay in one place. Maybe in love, the more you know about her flaws, the more you fall for her. Everything I once thought was not a good trait looks good on her. Things that I usually do not pay attention to look more visible and highlighted on her. Like the bracelet she's wearing today, the way she matched her Kurti with her bottom and her dupatta, the earrings she wore that have these small-sized ruby-like stones on them, and the way she left her hair loose.

If the old me heard my thoughts, he wouldn't be able to believe that I could have such passion for anything, let alone a girl. I watch her face as she looks at the lake in a peaceful posture, and as the cool breeze touches her hair, making it blow around her face, she pulls her legs closer as she shivers. If I had a coat on, I would've offered her, but I am no hero, and this is not a movie, unfortunately enough. I am wearing a t-shirt and jeans, and hence, I have no clothing to offer her to warm herself.

But still, where there is a will, there is a way. People in love do act crazy sometimes. Perhaps that is why I did what I did next. I moved closer to her, closer than we ever were, right behind her with my chest touching her back. I feel her stiffen, and I hesitate. What am I doing? How can I just touch her like that? Am I just her friend? But that's the problem, isn't it? We are not just friends. I can't be just her friend. That's when my boundaries broke, and so did my resolution. I warp my arms around her, pull her against myself, and... wait. I am so sure she's going to push me and slap me, but I am ready for it. I have no regrets.

I wait for the blow, but it never comes. Even though she didn't resist, the air around us gets awkward, but I can't let anything ruin this moment.

"Do you feel warm now?" This could be romantic if we were in a relationship, but we don't even know what we are.

"Urgh. Um, I think so." A million doubts follow her non-answer. Am I making her uncomfortable? Is what I am doing right? Even if it's wrong, can I regret it? What is going on in her head? What does this hug mean for us? If it wasn't for her body that I could feel against mine, my brain would blast away with these questions. But I can't concentrate on anything with her so close, and there is a serious communication issue between my mind and heart. Meanwhile, Aadhira goes completely silent and refuses to look at me.

"Aadhira, look at me." I hate the awkwardness between us. I want us to be comfortable again. She turns her head slowly and looks at me with an equal amount of hesitation and questions in her eyes. "Are you comfortable?" I think I saw her cheeks turn slightly red at the question, and I am not even sure if I am right, but I think I saw her blush, and I know very well why that happened because I am blushing too, which is more embarrassing than the awkward silence. I know she can feel my body heat on her, and so can I. I can feel my body getting aware of her body's touch and heat; the feelings only urge me to pull her closer. The action brings our faces so close that I can feel her cheeks against my lips. She finally looks at me, and I can't move my gaze away from hers.

And then the inevitable happened. I kissed her. My hands got tighter around her as I pushed my lips against hers. Call me a pervert, but I have imagined kissing her a million times, and none of them felt this good. Somehow, she managed to make it better than my imagination. I held her tightly against myself to feel more of her, and she still didn't push me away. I don't know if that's because she's too stunned or if she's okay with it, but I can't doubt what's between us, nor can I push her away anymore. This is bound to happen. It is inevitable. Is this wrong? I don't care, because nothing feels righter than her lips on mine. Nothing feels righter than us.