Chapter-16: Goodbye, Aadhira.

Vedhansh



Surprises, surprises. Life is full of them. First, I was lectured by Aadhira for not informing her that I was going to my parents' house. I accept that I did it on purpose because I just can’t accept her as a friend. Somehow, she ended up becoming someone close to me, and we are only getting closer. Ever since I took a stand for her in front of that boy, she somehow assumed we were friends and kept pestering me afterwards. That's how much she occupies you if she gets closer, so I wanted to avoid any unnecessary contact with her. Fine, we’ll be friends, just like I am with Rahul, my classmate in Obstetrics and Gynecology.

We are not close, so I don’t get what made her think we are, so much so that she demanded an answer standing in the middle of the break room, where most of the interns spend their free hours. Most of the interns are free during the day, but at night, it becomes hectic since we are close to the highway, and accidents often happen at night by drunk or sleepy drivers. The ER is the busiest at that time, and we take shifts to stay awake during that time. It is also the time when the senior doctors are highly sensitive and annoyed about having to work extra hours, especially the general surgeons.

What’s worse than an annoying patient is a cranky doctor, so we interns try to be careful around them at that time. Apart from our obedience, we also need to be alert and on call all the time, so we end up spending most of our time in the break room because it is the closest place to take rest from the ER. Thankfully, no one was there in the break room when she barged in like she owned the place, since only staff is allowed in the residential rooms and break rooms. If anyone had complained against her ranting so loudly after barging into a restricted area, even I couldn’t have helped her. I am just an intern, and if I raise an issue, I will be damned. We interns are here to learn, after all; we can't make an effort to be on anyone’s bad side.

But that’s not the point; the second thing that surprised me was receiving a strange message from someone I know more than I would like to admit. I spent my Sunday morning contemplating whether it was a good idea to go meet him or to just ignore the idiot. It is a tough choice, and I kept thinking about it the whole day but ended up at the meeting spot anyway, because the one reason I cannot overlook is in that message.

‘It’s about Aadhira.'

So, of course, I went there, like someone who has nothing better to do than have a chitchat with the guy who hurt the woman I like. I like her. The more I say it in my head, the more it becomes a fact. To add to my frustration, that fool was late. No punctuality, what so ever. We stood there in awkward silence for about two minutes before he broke. Of course, he was the first one to break. He holds a good poker face, but he’s still a kid when it comes to being cold, which is something that you can only achieve when you’ve never had a taste of warmth. It also helps that I have more practice and composure when it comes to my emotions, except when it comes to people I love, like my mom and Aarti. The only emotion I fail to control is my anger.

“Thanks for coming.” I look back at him as an encouragement to get to the point. “The reason I asked you to come here is because you seemed to have become close to Aadhira these days. Are you good friends now?"

“No.” He frowns as if confused.

“It didn’t seem like it.” He gave me a pause, as if waiting for me to explain, but I didn’t say a word. “At least she thinks you are good friends, I guess. Aadhira gets attached easily, and you have helped her save face in front of that whole crowd back then, while"I-"pause, where I know exactly what’s going on in that head of his. Regret is a feeling I know all too well. “While I was being a coward, Thank you, because I wouldn't have been able to do what you did that day. But I know why you did that. No guy just hits another guy for no reason.” I calmly stare back at him, trying to intimidate him. I doubt his conclusion, but I guess he is more confident than I thought.

“You love her.” Before I could say anything, he continued. “Don't deny it. Even if you don’t think you do, you’re going to, just like I did. So, I want you to know something so you don’t lose this like I did. I want you to understand how hard it is to come to this conclusion and how much effort it took for me to accept this truth."

***

I was returning home after listening to what Keshav had to say, with my mind full, when I got a call from Aadhira.

“What are you doing?"

“Nothing”

“Are you sure?"

“Yes.”

“Then turn around." I stop in my tracks, and for a second, I feel like my heart is flying up to my throat, and I turn around to scan the area. Where is she?

“I said turn around.” This time the voice didn’t come from the receiver end but from behind me, and my heart stopped—actually, it didn’t. It’s the adrenaline. Ignoring the little surge of whatever spiked inside me, I turn around.

“Hi.” She smiles at me. She shouldn’t have; I don’t like it. Not her smile, but me. I don’t like myself when she smiles. She gives me the courtesy to greet me back, but I just nod my greeting, and she resumes her talking.

“What are you still doing on campus? Today’s Sunday.”

“To meet a friend.” Keshav Harshvardhan. Friend, my foot

“Then, why didn’t you tell me? You know, I am still angry with you for yesterday; you should at least bribe me to make up, right?"

“You’ll do it anyway."

“Oh-oh-ohh! Don't take my friendship for granted. I might really leave you."

I just look at her. I may not show anything on my face, but the thought makes a shiver run down my spine.

“Fine, let’s go. I will walk you to the main gate.” As we walk, she tells me about her friend, Amarya or something, who keeps talking loudly on the phone with her boyfriend, and how she comes out to take a walk to escape the torture of being a single roommate of a friend in a relationship. But my mind is still stuck on what she said earlier. What would I do if she left me? I really don’t want to know.

In the back of my mind, I knew that I'd never let it happen, but I just didn’t realize that my heart was already out of my hand.

***

A year passed as I became a senior medical student at SRM and started to slowly prepare for the MCAT exam. I scored an eight in IELTS and appeared for the GMAT. Unlike many others who study abroad to settle down there, I am someone who’s solely determined on returning to India. To me, stability always meant home in India. People always tell us to get out of our comfort zone if we want to achieve something, but I believe that if one is comfortable while striving for what he has a passion for, isn’t it just the better of the two? It depends on how people prioritize their comfort.

To me, comfort is a tad more important than plain success. This year has been pretty weird for me. I have spent most of my time with a girl I should avoid, cleared my bank account, and am constantly trying to hold any further expenses. For the very first time, I handed my assignment late, and I have been avoiding any calls from my family for the past few months, which is why I am left with no funds. The moment my father got wind of me attempting MCAT, he threw a tantrum back at home when I visited for Dussehra. The reaction was pretty fast, and he stopped sending money. As a result, I had to take another part-time job to fill my pockets again, which is tough for a medical student as time is the last thing we can afford to waste, especially when you’re aiming to study abroad totally on scholarship.

I am busy fifteen hours a day, out of which eight hours are spent studying. In the rest of the time that I am not busy, I spend it sleeping or with Aadhira. I never thought I would take someone’s advice in love, but the idiot made a point of giving me every hope. This past year was weird but also memorable, because this year showed me where my happiness lies, and it’s when I don’t run away. This past year has been beautiful, and the next will be my last with Aadhira. I might be leaving India at this time, around next year. God, I got attached to her. I like her; I still do, but now I keep asking myself if it is still the same kind of like. Maybe, now that she grew on me and we are friends, my affection is now directed towards my friend and not a lover? Why is it so hard to listen to my heart? Actually, why is my heart silent?

I was so focused on building a good friendship with Aadhira that I no longer know how my heart feels for her.

“Which color do you like?” Adhira asks me while flipping the pages of Davidson's Principles and Practice of Medicine, which she won’t be able to read beyond the table of contents.

“White.”

“What? Seriously, you don’t look like a white person? I thought you liked black, just like me."

“And why would you assume that? And if you thought I liked black, why ask?"

“One, because you have so many black shirts. Two, I asked because you are afraid of darkness."

I freeze. How did she know that?

“Ah! I saw you that day. You were shaking.” I know which day she was talking about. It was around the time we were having end exams last semester when she came to the apartment to study since the library was full due to the swarming crowd of students who were suddenly motivated to study.

When she came that day, the lights went off after it got dark. I was shaking all over and tried so hard not to show it, but I guess she noticed it. I don’t know if I'm happy or annoyed that she’s so observant.

“But why white? Even if you don’t like black, that doesn’t explain why you like white. White isn’t like you."

“That’s why. White is the least predictable color; like a canvas, with time, it can become anything. And I enjoy that unpredictability, just like how you got the wrong idea about me liking black. I don’t do things people usually expect from me."

“Ahh. You're right. Just like you said, you don’t like music. That was unbelievable because you always listened to music. I mean, you have an MP3 player on you all the time. Who would believe you don’t like music? But why don’t you like music?"

“Why are you so bothered by me not liking music?"

“Because I love music. I mean, I am a freaking singer."

“Not everyone who sings becomes a singer."

“Shut up.”

***

“You know who’s a woman’s best friend? Footwear. The biggest reality for a girl growing up is when she wants to visit her friend's house or go somewhere, be it during the day or night. The first answer would always be no. ‘No, it’s too late. It's not so good outside.’ ‘How can you go alone? The situation is not good outside.’ ‘Stay home; going out is not safe.’ ‘Not a good idea.’ The problem is, even when you are allowed, you will have to answer so many questions. I read something in a pamphlet once. Nice shoes take you to nice places. I have always wished there were shoes that would just magically take me wherever I wanted to go, no questions asked. I wish there were shoes that my parents wouldn’t question. Footwear has a very unique way of comforting you. When they snug around your ankle, making you feel comfortable and safe. When you are a girl, everyone suggests taking someone along when you go out. A pair of shoes you like are your best friends because they are the ones you feel comfortable taking along. If only shoes come with protection gear."

“So? Which ones are you going to get?” I ask Aadhira while looking at a wall full of female footwear. Though not a thing she says makes sense to me, and she has been blabbering for 15 minutes now, I can't say I am that bothered.

“The rose pink one," she says.

We purchased the black one at the end and had dinner later. Aadhira is now very much herself and talks until my ears fall off. No offense, but she talks way too much. I mean, who would say so much about the role of footwear in a woman’s life when she just has to choose one? What irritates me more is that I don’t mind wasting my time with her chatty attitude.

I like spending time with her, no matter what she makes me do. Last Sunday, she took me to a freaking amusement park. I hate amusement parks; they're so childish, but I ended up enjoying them. I enjoyed it when she kept screaming on the roller coaster. I enjoyed it when she held onto me tightly in the scary house, and I enjoyed it when she laughed like a madwoman whenever I bumped into her car at the bumper cars. I enjoyed it way more than I should. I don’t remember my Sundays being this exhausting, not even after studying the whole weekend.

“So, if you score enough, you’ll be studying abroad by next year?” Aadhira asks as I drive us to the campus. We take off our ID cards whenever we leave campus. That way, no one can tell if we are students. After the dinner, we walked around for a while in the park and lost track of time. So, we are rushing back to campus before the hostel is closed.

“It could be possible."

“Is there a way you can stay back? We have good medical education here too, right?"

“It is true to an extent, but the difference between the education I would get abroad compared to here is way too much for me to disregard it. I love my country, but I know better than to continue my studies here, considering what I am expecting from my career. I have planned this long ago; it can never change."

“So serious?” She turns to look at me and does so for a while and then. “Fine. Do whatever you want."

And I did. I got an admission and left a month and a half after my graduation. Before leaving, I tried to confess my feelings to her, and here’s what happened.

I had a rose in my hand and another in front of me; the rose in front of me was Aadhira. I am never one to go big on occasions. To me, since it is a matter of my life and the girl I like, I need everything about it to be simple, like this single-rose confession. All I am going to say is ‘I like you’. Wait, maybe I should say how I think that I like her because she... what am I even saying? Shit, how am I going to confess?

“Now you’re graduated, and you’re about to leave. You must be really happy because I won’t be bothering you anymore. But remember that you have to always pick up the call on the first ring, or I am going to blow up your phone with calls. I won’t bother you too much, but when I do call you, just know it’s important."

“What would that important thing be? The death of the ozone layer?"

“No, worse. My wedding.” Then she breaks out laughing at her own joke, but I don’t. Yeah, there was one thing I didn’t think of before deciding to confess my feelings. What would I say to her? I am leaving the country in two weeks. What am I going to say? I am leaving the country, and I don’t know when I am going to be back, but I want her to wait for me when I don’t even know how she feels about me.

Just like that, I pulled out the rose, placed it in her hands, and said, “My parting gift."

“Just a rose? Are you kidding me? You are going to the UK, and all you can afford is a rose? Now, I am seriously worried for you. How am I ever going to find you a girl when you’re like this?” and she dramatically places her fisted left hand on her forehead, like the 90’s heroines used to. Wow, her brain works in all directions. Getting me a girl and getting married—does she ever quit dreaming? But from what she said, I can tell she doesn’t see me as anything more than a friend. That's why, again, I take a step back.

One step at a time. He said, but I didn’t even take one step forward, and I am taking ten backwards. I will see her again sometime. I will be back. Goodbye, Aadhira.