Chapter-15: Regret is a Destructive Thing.

Keshav

Can’t breathe. I have never had a problem showing my fake front to anyone. It was the easiest thing for me, and why not? It's something I've had to practice a million times. I never lose control in front of a crowd. Never. But now, here I am, standing in front of so many people and having a fight with my girlfriend. Funny thing, I never realized it. From the moment I kissed her to the moment I saw our kiss stamped all over social media, I kept doubting this relationship between us. Yes, I never said she was my girlfriend or that we have been going out, because I didn’t know it was possible. I was too afraid to let myself think we were in a love relationship.

When she said we dated, it felt like a slap in the face. All the while, I kept doubting her love while she kept trying to be a good partner. I had nothing to say because I really didn’t know she was committed to me. All the while, I kept questioning myself, wondering whether this was real or whether we were real. I kissed her more than once; we were always together, holding hands. How could it not be real? And now that I know she’s always been serious about me, I want to turn everything back. I want to go back and cherish everything we had, more than I already did.

I love her. For a long time now. But is there a limit to how long you need to fall in love with someone? How would I know? All I did was love her. With her, definitions don’t matter, and boundaries shouldn’t exist. Why did I just realize it now? Still, my hand doesn’t move. But as cowardly as I have always been, my hands refuse to move.

Standing in front of so many people has me stupefied. Facing it all again, like it was yesterday, not eight years ago. The déjà vu hits me so hard that I feel like I have traveled back in time, to the day I was standing beside my mom as the reporters pushed their mikes into our faces, firing away questions, half of which I don’t understand because they use pure Telugu. But they all use that one word that I understand. Rape

The eleven-year-old me held his breath as he gripped his mother’s dress tightly in his fist. All he could think about was how close all those bodies were to him, just moments away from touching him, and the thought disgusted him. After that day, everything became a complete routine. Everyone he met would ask him the same question. “How do you feel?” How do I feel? I've lived what could probably be any eleven-year-old's worst nightmare. It's not rocket science, how I feel. How do they think I feel? I just got a second chance at life, which is a good thing because many don’t get it. But who said being given a second chance is what I want? It means that you’ll always have to be careful and live in fear of history repeating itself. There is nothing new to start because nothing has ended, and it will remain so.

It was just a moment, but my resolve broke, but like I said, the past never gives us a second chance because it doesn’t fix a thing, just like I can’t fix what has been done. All I can do is move forward with what I have left. So, like the eleven-year-old inside me, I became a coward in front of my past.

“Aadhi, let’s not do this, okay? Hmm? Let's talk about this later.” It was my last attempt at saving us. I am a coward, and I will remain so for the rest of my life, but I keep hoping that she will accept my cowardice. Deep down, I know the one thing Aadhira can never accept is heartbreak, which is the only thing I am giving her. I am a messed-up idiot who can never overcome the past. No matter how hard I try to get free, the shackles of my past hold me back. Like a bird with wings who cannot fly, all I can do is stand by and watch her get hurt. I let this happen, knowing I am not capable of commitment. I knew this would happen. I saw this coming from a mile away and couldn’t fight it.

I just wished and kept wishing that maybe we could work around this, but this was bound to happen. I knew that one day she would see the real me, and it wouldn’t be pleasant. I felt it the moment I froze and couldn’t breathe—the moment I saw all the people—that I would never change. I have no right to drag her into my life with all this baggage. I was just being selfish, and she deserved better.

In this relationship, she did everything. She confessed first so that I could slowly come to terms with my feelings; she approached me first so that I understood her intentions; she asked me questions, which helped me find answers; she took me on our first date; and she showed me her world. I enjoyed it and felt it all to my core. But I never had anything to give in return. All except one thing. A peaceful life where she never has to face someone else’s past. For all the happiest moments of my life that were given to me by her, I will give her a peaceful life in return. A peaceful life without me.

Today was supposed to be the beginning of our third month together, and the only gift I have for her is our breakup. I might regret it for the rest of my life after this, but I am willing to bear it all for her happiness. I must be a thousand times more messed up than 25% of the population in the world, because I managed to convince myself that breaking her heart was the only way to protect her.

I know all of these explanations are just excuses I am giving myself so that I don’t hate myself for doing what I am about to do. They are all just excuses to cover my guilt because I am selfish. And I am doing this because it’s an instinct. I have an instinct to always look perfect; I always save my face because this face is popular not just for its looks but also for its trauma. No one might remember it, but it is something I can never forget, not even for a second. This face has been printed in sixteen newspapers throughout India. Protecting myself and this face is the only thing I know how to do.

This time, it’s not just about protecting myself but also her. As a coward, I do what a coward does. Take the easy way out. The rest of the conversation becomes blurry, as if fast-forwarded.

“Because you are not doing anything. The least you could do is talk to me, Keshav.” Talk to her. Yes, that’s the right thing to do, but I am not one to talk about what is right and what is wrong. All I know is what is completely irrational but actually works. I turn around to leave, as I don’t want to stay a second longer in this crowd. And why the hell is no one stopping us? But then Aadhi grabs my arm to stop me. She doesn’t leave anything halfway, which is something I like about her, but right now, I don’t want her to be so persistent.

“Let go, Aadhi.” I tell her, trying to be calm. But she doesn’t let go because she still thinks things can be resolved. But I just... can't.

“Please, Aadhi. Let go; you will get hurt.” The last thing I want is to hurt her. I am too emotional to be rational at the moment, and it’s dangerous to hold my hand in this moment. I wanted to tell her, but my emotions got the better of me.

“LET GO, AADHI!" Before I knew it, Aadhi lost her balance and was about to fall when someone came in to help her up. As he helps her up, I take the chance to end the thing without any more drama.

“Aadhira!” I say it loudly, catching everyone’s attention in the process. “You and me are not us."

The punch came out of nowhere, and I was on the ground in seconds. It takes a moment to recover from the shock. The guy who helped Aadhira is standing there. Why did he hit me?

“Don’t deny it if you have no guts to admit it.” That is all he said as he walked away, like he didn’t just hit me. I am still on the floor as I look at Aadhi getting flustered in front of all these people. She looks at me, and I look back, having no words left. For the first time, I couldn’t predict her feelings. The way she looked at me was unreadable, and I don’t feel good at all.

I have said and done everything to make her hate me. There is no turning back after all this drama, but my heart still won't stop wanting to hold her back and tell her that everything I said was a lie and that I want us to start again. I want her back, but I can’t have her back. Then, Aadhira walks away, leaving me on the ground, leaving me behind, and leaving me period.

***

Roaming around the campus these days, wherever I go, eyes follow me; whatever I do, attention follows. I am now the popular Keshav, the playboy. Aadhira is criticized for being easy; I just became a jerk. Girls still find me appealing, and I didn’t suffer much, and oddly, that is more painful. Because Aadhi is suffering in my stead. Even though I was popular among girls before, they never approached me. It was only Aadhi who openly pursued me, but now, Aadhi doesn’t look at me while the other girls approach me. How funny.

Athletic body aside, I always knew I had a charming attitude and a handsome face. Even though I don’t have much confidence in myself, I know this face is worth something. To me, Aadhi is the most beautiful creature. I know that is not true; I know it is exaggerating, but to me, she’s the only person I won’t be tired of. I wish my heart was more rational.

Aadhi and I avoided facing each other. We were together for too few beautiful moments, and it turns out that breakups are more painful than one can imagine. I can’t believe how much I changed after meeting her. I don’t like to wait, but every day I find myself waiting in front of her classroom that day and waiting until she arrives, and then I leave before she sees me.

We have known each other for a short while and were together for an even shorter time. In fact, we haven’t done much that would make us a couple. Time passed as I fell into a routine, and each day I tried harder to stay away from her. It's for her own good. I told myself. Time tells me I made the right decision as I watched her get back to her usual self. Only I wasn’t by her side, and instead, he was.

“Don’t deny it if you have no guts to admit it," were the first words he told me as he stood over me after punching me for hurting the girl I love more than anything else.

I don’t really know what exactly happened or how they know each other, but somehow they became close, and it’s probably because of their mutual distaste for me. There is one other truth that I have recently come to know. One that I wish I never knew. I have always had an inkling, but I wasn’t sure because Aadhira was so dedicated to us. But now that I watch her being close to another man, I can’t help but notice the similarities.

The way she is with him says a lot more than what I am willing to know. But this frustrating feeling is also related to how similar the situation is. One terrible incident, one big fight, and I was left alone with my pain. I regret it so much, but then again, I regretted it the moment the words left my mouth. How did we get here? And why? Now that I taste the pain, I wish I never loved. I wish I never had to face this again. I want to let go because that is the right thing to do, but love is not a question of right and wrong, but about our actions and decisions.

As much as we avoid each other, we still cross paths once in a while, and when I look into her eyes, I used to see the pain there. At the beginning, the pain in her eyes tormented me, but it also gave me hope that maybe I could turn everything back and win her back, but as the days passed, the pain started to fade, and that should be a relief, right? But why does my pain only multiply? That’s the thing about hope. Along with time, it fades.

As time flew, I slowly stopped going to her class every morning, but that didn’t do much to comfort my heart. Aadhira’s pain is slowly dissipating, and somehow, as she gets used to her life, I grow uncomfortable in mine. That’s how my second year of college ended.

***

A few months later...

I sit in front of my laptop at my desk, contemplating what to do. I am two weeks away from finals, and I just got an offer from Mayan, a startup company, from our fourth-year students. It is a funded project that they want me to take part in. This is the moment I should be happy about. I have put in my every effort and worked hard enough to avoid feeling anything. That was always how I dealt with pain, since the day I realized I was different from the other kids. As I grew up, I tried my best to fit in, but no matter how much we try, it’s impossible to win people as long as they keep their opinions to themselves.

So, I gave up pleasing others but took their fake closeness to my advantage. I never let them dislike me; I do my best to look like I value them and their friendship. I know I am being fake to them, but so were they. To them, I was just a popular guy who studies well and helps them with the exams, so I decided to play the role for them. I helped them enough to make them feel my kindness, but not enough to make them think I was a pushover. I do it all just enough for them to want more, and I let them need me.

I was practical. I was distant. I was clever. I was perfect. Now? I don’t find myself perfect anymore. I still handled things just like I used to, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about myself because my definition of perfection has changed since I met Aadhira. All along, I had just one question: All these days apart from her made me realize I always had the answer with me but refused to listen to it because I was afraid I’d lose her to this answer. But now that I lost her, the answer has become a neon light in my mind, disturbing my days and nights. So, looking at this offer, the hesitancy became heavy on my conscience. I just have to make one decision, but I need one more answer before making the decision.

One week is all I need. So, a week it is. Every day, I found her. In the class, the java green and the corridor. On the first day of the week, she attended all her classes and had her breakfast in the canteen. Later, she sat in the library with Vedhansh for a whole three periods, and they studied. She didn’t say a thing, and that’s unlike her. The guy dropped her off at the hostel, and she went inside while he went back to wherever he came from. The second day, she kept smiling through the class, and it wasn’t fake. It had been so long since the last time I saw her smile genuinely. After the classes, I lost her to the crowd and saw her again at lunch as she was going towards the mess, so I went there but didn’t find her. I went back to the hostel to eat a banana. I was upset because I didn’t get to see her much today. Funny, because it was never this hard to find her.

Day three, she attended all of her classes, and I didn’t loose her this time, not even once. After classes, she went outside campus, and I couldn’t bring myself to follow because I had no right to invade her privacy, so I stayed back. She came back to the hostel at seven in the evening, and the guy, Vedhansh, dropped her. Day five, she was back to her routine and went to the classes and then straight to the hostel, but unfortunately, she saw me, and I think she was kind of aware of how often I am around her these days. I am not a stalker; at least I don’t want to look like one.

Day 6, she missed the first class, and I don’t know where she is. She came to her second class, and something didn’t feel right. Her next class was with me, and I found her absent-minded, and she kept looking at her phone. After the class, the lecturer wanted to talk with her, and they talked for a while before she looked at her phone, probably some notification, and took off in a hurry. I couldn't help but go after her. With just a day left, I can’t lose her. She ran all the way to the hospital, and my heartbeat started to go out of control, and it’s not because of the running. Why is she going to the hospital? She talked to the receptionist about something before she started walking inside in quick steps. She went into a room that didn’t look like a ward, and I stood outside.

“Where were you all yesterday? I called you, messaged you, and you didn’t reply."

“I went home.” That voice...

“Fine, but you could’ve told me so, Vansh.” was Vansh’s. My heartbeat, which until now has been beating fast, is now slow. It was too slow, as if it were stopping.

“I didn’t have my phone on me."

“You could’ve called from another phone. Or at least tell any of your friends. What's so damn hard about one message or one call?"

“Stop yelling. This is a hospital. And why are you so worked up?"

“I am worked up? Do you know that I just ran from Teck Park to the hospital, leaving my lecturer’s mouth hanging open as I left, while he was trying to make me understand how I shouldn't neglect the class after spacing out in the class just because of your message?"

“Why?”

“Because I was worried? You are my friend, Vansh. Of course, I'd worry about you."

“Friend? Fine, calm down, and take a deep breath."

Aadhira said something, and he replied, but I can't hear what they’re saying. I felt as if my ears were blocked, as if they were just protecting me from hearing further. My mind is blocking out both the conversation and my feelings. All I heard was my slow heartbeat as I walked out of the hospital. That night, I couldn’t sleep. They’re friends. That's what she said too, but I couldn’t handle that memory. There was one thing I never considered when I broke up with her.

What happens if she ever dates another guy? Will I be able to handle it? I followed her for almost a week to find the answer to one question, and today I have one more to add. I went back to classes like a zombie, not really paying attention to the class or to the people around me, which never happens. I am always aware of people around me because that's the only way I can observe them and make them let their guard down.

I went back to my room. Mine. Somehow, it was very comfortable to think she was mine. She's not an object to belong to someone, I know, but neither am I, and I belong to her too. I think I now know what it means to belong to another person. The only thing that ties down people and makes them feel like they belong is home; she is that. My home. A place where I can hide from the world and be myself without any caution. Regret is the most destructive thing I know, and now I am prey to regret.

I wish I held her hand more often, kissed her one more time, hugged her a lot, and felt her till the end. I should’ve stopped her from taking a step away from me. I should’ve held on. I didn’t deserve it, but I should’ve cherished her since I got her anyway. I should’ve done better for this relationship since she deserved better. It is because I wasn’t enough; I should’ve been the one putting in more effort.

Instead, I let her go. I couldn't sleep throughout the night, haunting myself with all these thoughts. We have known each other for a year, and still, I don’t have enough memories with her, and the ones I do have were all from the month we dated. Our time was too brief, and I regret that I was too conservative from the beginning. I should’ve confessed my love as soon as I realized it.

I thought too much then, and I don’t know what to think now. So, I went back to follow her again, like an alcoholic addicted to booze. Just like she always does, she attended all of her classes, but she met him again at the library. They studied, talked, smiled, laughed, and teased each other, and I could tell that she was never this comfortable with me. I hate it because I know I was the one who filled her with this anxiety.

That’s when it hit me. The answer, and the answer was never with Aadhira. It was with Vansh. For a week, I saw her but didn’t notice him. For however many times I saw him, he never smiled; his face is always so serious that a smile looks weird on his face. It's so weird that I don’t know how I missed it. He smiled at her. A well-known grim medical student smiled at Aadhira. Now that I look at them together, I know what to do.

So, I went for him.