Chapter Thirty-Seven

Entry:

I awoke from my haze by unyielding fury. Who were those thieves? How could they kill for the crown- how could they kill a child- how could they kill Lucas and Daisy?

I can do so much better than those thieves' disgusting plan. 

I will do so much better, and that's why I stay. 

Phoenix.

--

Phoenix's crusty eyes peeled open, as though it were her first time seeing the world. 

Nothing came into focus as white, bright light burned her vision. Throbbing consumed her head, echoing down her body and beating her heart. Where was she again? She swung her head left and right but couldn't make out anything in the room; everything was a blur. 

A gurgle erupted from her stomach; Phoenix leaned over the bed and hurled. What was happening? Before she got an answer, though, darkness ensnared her mind and dragged her conscience back into sleep.

#

"Phoenix, you finally woke up again! How are you feeling? Phoenix?"

Phoenix shook her head and willed her eyes to open as a concerned Isla came into focus. She sat on the foot of the bed, a hand gently squeezing Phoenix's knee.

"What-" Phoenix tried to say, but her throat couldn't even croak out a sentence. It was as though she swallowed sand. 

Isla sprang up and got a glass of water from the bedside, water spilling over the top as she offered it to Phoenix.

"Drink slowly," Isla instructed. "The doctors cleared you, remember that? You've just been sleeping a lot, and they want someone to look after you. Do you want me to grab the nurse?"

Phoenix shook her head and reached out her hands to grab the glass, but her fingers trembled so violently that she couldn't even hold it. When Phoenix finally grasped the glass, her hands shook wildly enough that water splashed everywhere. Without complaint, Isla took the glass into her own hands and put it to Phoenix's lips. She lifted the glass a little so Phoenix could drink. 

"I sent word to the Prince," Isla said. "He wanted word as soon as you were cleared-"

"No," Phoenix requested, her words quiet but audible. "I just want to see my family. What day is it?"

Isla pursed her lips and set the glass back down. "It's two weeks after the ball."

Phoenix's eyes snapped open wide. "The ball! What happened?"

Isla's eyes deflected to the ground. "Well, you-"

"No, not me! What happened to my family! Cole, Daisy, and Lucas are back at home, right? They're in the Lowlands? What about Greyson?"

"Cole is still at the castle-"

"Why is Cole here?" Phoenix's heartbeat spiked up.

"He was injured. But he's being treated and is expected to make a full recovery."

Phoenix struggled to pull herself into an upright sitting position.

"That's good, so he sent the younger siblings home and stayed behind because he was injured. Were the kids able to make it home safe?" Phoenix's fists gripped the sheets.

Isla looked at Phoenix's tight body and diverted her eyes to the floor. "Phoenix, your younger siblings-"

Tears swelled and Phoenix's whole body felt like it was on fire. A vicious shiver quaked her body. Everything felt so wrong; she felt so weak. Why was this happening? Isla gripped Phoenix's shoulder to steady her. 

"Your younger siblings are safe!" Isla explained. "I got word that they are back at home, they are in a good place and away from any danger." 

Phoenix let out a heavy sigh and wiped her eyes. 

"How about everyone else? What happened that night?" Phoenix asked.

"I'll tell you everything once you feel better."

"Was it bad?" she pushed, laying her head on her pillow to ease her headache.

"Some things transpired, yes, but you need to focus on recovering."

Isla got up to grab a wet towel and placed it on Phoenix's forehead. Sweating, Phoenix was sweating. 

"Why are you doing this for me?" Phoenix asked as Isla wiped her face clean. 

"I just thought that you could use a friend. I can get someone else if you desire-"

"Can I see Cole?" 

"He's still recovering, I don't think you'll be able to see him soon," Isla denied instantly.

After wiping Phoenix's face, Isla settled back down at the foot of the bed. Her skirts cascaded off the edge of the bed and gathered on the floor. 

"The Prince told me to get him once you woke up. Would it be okay if he visited you?"

"Have you been taking care of me for a while?" Phoenix begged for Isla to pick up the hint- stop talking about the Prince. 

Isla straightened her shoulders. "Yes, I have. I've been told I'm rather good at taking care of people." 

Phoenix was surprised Isla had put in so much work to help. Did she really feel like their friendship was genuine, or was there something else going on?

"About the Prince?" Isla repeated.

"I don't want to see him. Has Greyson said anything about me?"

"Who?" 

Phoenix flinched back in surprise. "No one."

Greyson hadn't checked on her? No, this was best, Greyson shouldn't see her in such a weak state. Right? Right, he should take care of himself. 

"He's no one," Phoenix repeated. "Would you make sure the Prince doesn't visit me?" 

"Are you sure?" Isla pushed. "The Prince is already on his way-"

A loud chattered as the doorknob jangled. Isla shot up from her spot and rushed over to the door. It swung open, but Isla was standing in the doorframe so Phoenix couldn't see who was on the other side. All she could hear were voices. 

"Isla?" a male voice inquired. It sounded like the Prince.

They spoke in a hushed tone, so Phoenix could only catch a few lines, "...let her know I'm waiting for her to…" "I'm rooting for you…"

What were they talking about? Soon the door closed. No, the Prince, please don't let the Prince see her. Utter relief filled Phoenix when Isla came back inside, alone. 

"I turned him down and told him you'd send for him when you were ready," Isla said. 

"Thank you."

Isla sat back down and they were enveloped in silence. 

"Isla," Phoenix started. Isla perked up and looked at her innocently. "I don't know anything about you."

Isla giggled a little into her hand. "I suppose that's true. But we sure do walk a ton!" 

"Until I feel up to leaving, would you keep me company?" Phoenix was surprised by her own request, but Isla would keep unwanted visitors out.

Isla stopped laughing and gave Phoenix a warm smile. "Of course! I know you're recovering, but this could be a lot of fun!"

"Yeah," Phoenix replied faintly. 

Phoenix could do this Isla the courtesy of getting to know her after she's put so much care into Phoenix's recovery. 

"Did you accept any of those marriage proposals?" Phoenix wondered.

She immediately regretted doing so.

"What? Of course not! After that, I kept…"

Isla rambled for the better hour about how her love life had transpired. Phoenix was remembering why she could never get close to Isla; she talked about such useless things. Who cared if you thought this guy was cute, or if this girl kept popping up? Phoenix understood that it would be Isla would have to marry to stay in court and that dating around wasn't acceptable, but Isla did tend to talk with many gentlemen. Honestly, it would be fine if the stories were short, but Isla was rambling for far too long. 

"So I was thinking about taking a break from talking to boys a little while," Isla concluded.

"I think that's for the best," Phoenix replied dryly. 

Phoenix was afraid Isla would start talking again, so she faked a yawn and let her eyelids begin to nod off.

"Oh! You must be tired. Rest, I 'll be back tomorrow," Isla promised, standing from the bed, and moving to the door.

"Isla," Phoenix caught her just before she left, "thank you."

"You're welcome, Phoenix." 

Isla opened the door and then let out a small gasp. 

She peeked her head back through the door and whispered with a knowing smile. "The Prince is sleeping right outside! Should I wake him and let him in?"

Phoenix brought her hand to her face and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "No, but would you mind giving him one of my blankets?" 

"More than happy to," Isla gushed, coming back inside and grabbing an extra blanket from a shelf. "I'll be sure to tell him this is from you," she winked.

"You really don't have to do that-"

Isla abruptly left her room before Phoenix could tell her to stop. How much longer would Phoenix be able to tolerate her bubbly energy? Perhaps she could learn to like Isla. Even though the yawn was fake, Phoenix really was tired, so she shifted into a more comfortable position and let her mind drift away. Her head throbbed and her stomach felt weak, but she was able to sleep in the comfort of knowing everyone was safe.

#

Isla kept her word and visited every day. She would whisper trivial things in their little white room. It was amazing how Isla could take up such significant time for such insignificant topics. Although it was becoming obvious that Isla didn't really care about talking about the suitors; but her voice changed when she fantasized about the Princess. Phoenix wondered if she knew how obvious her crush was. 

The doctor checked in one last time, and said Phoenix was all good. But Cole wasn't healthy enough to see her yet, so Phoenix decided to stay in bed, safe from the Prince's company. 

"Can I send for Talon?" Isla asked once more.

"May I see Cole?" Phoenix countered.

Isla's eyes fell to the ground. Isla never appeared melancholy except in these moments, except when Phoenix mentioned her family.

"You mentioned he's recovering, so he must be good enough for me to see," Phoenix pushed.

"No. He needs more time," Isla held her ground.

"I need to hear what happened that night, how he got hurt." 

"I can't do that," Isla started, tears dangling in her eyes.

"Why not? Why are you the one crying? I'm the one who feels like crying!" Phoenix shouted. 

No- calm down- don't yell at the one woman who had ever been kind. 

"I'm so sorry," Isla hiccupped between sobs.

"Why can't I see him? Where's Greyson? Has the Prince said I can go home?" Phoenix pushed.

Isla got up and sobbed herself out of the room.

Why did she get to leave? 

No, the doctor had cleared Phoenix, the consuming stress was just psychological.

  But what reason did Phoenix have to be so anxious? All Phoenix wanted to do was bang her head against a wall until the stress was beat out. Even without hitting a wall, her head was foggy with uncertain thoughts. 

Was Cole in the same condition as her? Was Greyson so busy he couldn't meet her? Why did the Prince linger by the door like a lost child? 

Phoenix didn't know, but she didn't like it. Everything seemed out of place, and Phoenix knew nothing. 

She knew nothing. 

The door creaked back open, and Isla popped her head out from the hallway. She lowered her head and gave a small curtsy. "I'm sorry for that."

"It's okay, I shouldn't have yelled."

Isla nodded curtly and wiped invisible dust from her skirt, making sure she was pleasantly presentable. Her feet tapped on the floor as she strolled back to the edge of Phoenix's bed. 

Once back into her usual demeanor, Isla continued with their conversation, "Where was I? Oh yes, when I was walking in the gardens and Sir Thomas came up to me with a rose-" 

"Shut up!" Phoenix snarled. 

Phoenix took her hands and slapped her forehead to make the constant throbbing become a sharp sting. 

Isla's eyes snapped to Phoenix's. Her stare was wide. Oh- Isla was scared. Phoenix felt her chest expand with a sharp inhale of breath. Good. Isla should be scared of Pheonix right now.

"Why do you babble about such useless things!" Phoenix screamed. "We were having a serious conversation; you left the room crying! Stop pretending that everything is okay and normal when it's not!" 

Isla's mouth dropped open in another sob. 

"Just let me see Cole. Let me see my family!" Phoenix pleaded.

Isla shook her head as Phoenix reached out her hand and grabbed Isla's. 

  "Please," Phoenix's voice broke.

Isla shook her head again violently, lips sealed in a tight line to keep herself quiet. 

"It's Cole!" Isla finally confessed. "He asked that you not see him under any circumstances." 

What? 

"Is he okay? Has someone checked his head?"

"Phoenix," Isla explained. She sent a squeeze through their conjoined hands. "Cole said he would 'rather watch her death again' than see you." 

At that last line, Isla released their connection and covered her mouth, her eyes wide in shock.

"Who's death?"  Phoenix demanded. "Who's death!"

Isla was consumed with tears, ugly snot rolled out of her nose and as she helplessly rubbed her red eyes. "I can't, I'm so sorry, I just can't," she sobbed. "Let the Prince see you, he'll explain everything." 

Ask more- keep pushing for answers- Isla was breaking. No. If Phoenix asked anymore Isla might have a panic attack. 

"Why do you want me to see the Prince so badly?" Phoenix tried to lowering her voice.

Isla sniffled. "Do you remember when you extended the Prince's invitation to me? I had a great time, and he was a surprisingly gentle boy, not at all who I thought he was. Did I mention how after that a bunch of marriage proposals began to come? My father-"

"Why do you keep on doing that?" Phoenix growled through a disgusted scowl. "If you refuse to answer my questions, you can at least explain why you are so persistent in talking about useless things."

Isla sighed and folded her hands into her lap. "You've been through a lot, I thought that if I kept on talking and distracting you, you'd be able to recover faster. I thought you just needed someone who you could talk about something other than missions and injuries."

While Phoenix's anger didn't go away, it subdued. She always thought that Isla was an innocent person, ignorant and out of touch. But was it all in consideration for her?

"Really?"

Isla gave a shy nod. "I don't even really care about all this boy stuff, I just thought it was light enough to have fun with."

"You are surprisingly well-intentioned for a lady of the court. Do you mind talking about anything else for a while? Like who died?" Phoenix requested as kindly as possible.

"I can't tell you that, just trust me, I can't. The Prince will explain everything. And is it that bad? To be frank, I haven't done much with my life, so there's not much more for me to talk about," she admitted. 

"Tell me about everything that you think is interesting," Phoenix suggested, understanding that no matter how much she asked, Isla was not going to tell her anything. Was it worth seeing the Prince? 

Isla ended up talking about random things like her favorite foods or about the first time she came to the castle from the Highlands. She shared the basic outline of her life, beginning to end. Isla had led a simple, privileged existence. Sheltered with money and pretty boys, a life that was not inherently wrong, there was more to her than Phoenix had given her credit for. Phoenix especially liked hearing about the time she accidentally beat a suitor in a game of archery, and he yelled at her for being unladylike.

"What about this new fondness for the Princess?" Phoenix asked. 

For the first time since talking about her love life, Isla blushed.

"I think it's just a coincidence, but she keeps running into me during my walks. I'm not sure if you two would get along well or hate each other, but she's filled with a fierce fire that can seem rude or arrogant. Yet when she talks about her love for the sun or her favorite dresses, anyone could tell that she's a huge romantic and softie," a fond chuckle escaped her. "I just really like seeing all her layers."

"You're not at all how I originally pictured you," Phoenix stated, just a little bit impressed with her.

"I'll take that as a compliment. Now! I have shared my life, so will you listen to what I say next? The Prince is exceptionally anxious. Will you at least let him see you?"

Phoenix sighed, hot breath spilling from her mouth and rippling her shirt below. 

"Only if Greyson comes, too." 

"Really?" Isla asked with a sparkle in her eyes.

"Yes, but please tell him it'll be a short visit."

"Of course!" Isla exclaimed, bolting up from her spot and moving towards the door.

"Wait," Phoenix called, "you're not going now, are you?"

"I don't know who Greyson is, but I'm sure the Prince does. I'll be back soon," she declared with a wrinkle in her smile. 

Isla just didn't listen, did she? 

It didn't matter if Phoenix felt numb or if she couldn't remember that night, because Greyson would be coming to see her soon. She just needed to see Greyson. 

It only took seven minutes for the Prince to come sprinting into the room. 

Phoenix's eyes widened in surprise as he bent over and huffed. He looked up and opened his mouth to say something, but couldn't because he was too out of breath. Behind him, Greyson and Isla strolled in. Phoenix smiled at Greyson, but his eyes slid to hers with a frown. A pit dropped into her stomach. Had she done something to upset him?

"Bird," Greyson acknowledged, moving over to where the Prince was.

The two boys stood side by side, towering over Phoenix as she sat up. The Prince finally caught his breath and knelt on the ground so he was at eye level with her. 

"I've made sure to keep their flowers fresh, you can visit them as soon as you like," was the first thing that came out of his mouth.

Phoenix's eyes lit up and her heart fluttered. "Are you letting me go back to the Lowlands to see my family?" 

The Prince's face collapsed and he turned to look up at Greyson. Greyson's mouth was agape and he looked at her in confusion. Both the boys then turned to Isla, who averted her gaze to the floor.

  "I couldn't do it," she whispered in an apology.

"Do what?" Phoenix pushed, her joy flipping with her stomach.

"Bird, how much do you remember from that night?" the Prince tentatively asked.

"Do you remember any of it?" Greyson enunciated.

Something awful must have happened to warrant this reaction, but what?

"All I remember is saying goodbye before the ball, and then I woke up with a bandage wrapped around my head. I still feel dazed, and the doctor said I had a severe concussion that led to a small coma, but I'm okay now. What happened, how did I end up here?" 

The Prince scoffed in disbelief. 

"You want to know how you got that bandage? Tell her, Greyson," he commanded. 

Phoenix's mind desperately searched for anything bad that might have happened, but nothing worse than waking up confused popped up. She didn't recall anything horrid, and her mind wouldn't lie to her, right? 

Right?

Greyson remained standing, towering above Phoenix. He let out a shaky sigh. "It started when we followed to royal family through the tunnel …"

As Greyson kept talking, the anxious warmth in Phoenix's chest steadily cooled into a numbing sense of deep and distant dread.

"I'm sorry you missed the funeral," the Prince offered after Greyson finished.

So that's how it was? 

Phoenix wonder if it was true. 

Perhaps, perhaps not. 

Was the room always this fuzzy? It may have been, but she could be wrong. Was she always such a coward that she blocked something as important as the kid's lives from herself? There was no point crying about it, it was her fault, after all. Phoenix felt no pain at all, what a monster she was.

The Prince shifted in his seat. "How are you feeling?"

Phoenix slowly turned her head to face him and then looked down at her hands. The Prince was holding her hand. Phoenix looked up at Greyson. His eyes burned into hers. Now Cole blamed her for this mess and refused to see her. That was fine, she guessed.

Everything was fine, Phoenix supposed. 

"I brought you this," Greyson broke the silence. He reached into his jacket pocket and set the journal he had bought her, along with a pen, beside her bed. "I'm taking care of Cole, so I won't be able to take care of you anymore."

The Prince shot another glare at Greyson. "You never took care of her, you only ever laid all your insecurities on her."

"At least I was able to protect her that night."

"Protect!" the Prince yelled. "You could have killed her, you-"

"Stop it," Isla hissed in a small voice from the corner of the room.

Both the boys closed their mouths and looked back at Phoenix. Watching them fight was funny. Who were these people and why were they here? The Prince grabbed her hand again. Okay.

"Wrinkles, say something," he pleaded.

Phoenix didn't want to say anything, she didn't want to do or see anything. Perhaps if she didn't do anything, then it wouldn't be real, and it would go away. 

"This is pointless, I have to go check on Cole," Greyson excused himself, leaving the room.

"I'm here, Wrinkles. Remember? When you break, I'm here."

Break? Laughable. Phoenix was fine, who had died again? Oh yes, the kids. The kids were dead. 

"Please, just look at me," the Prince tried.

Isla stepped forward and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Let's give her some space." 

The Prince didn't look away from Phoenix for a couple of seconds. If she stayed still, he would leave. After a minute of nothingness, he left with a lowered head, dragging his feet. Isla showed him and herself out, and Phoenix was alone again. 

Dust sure was funny when it floated so meaninglessly in the sun, wasn't it? 

Phoenix laughed a little. Dust, human skin, age, and an annoyance to clean. Dust! What even was dust?

Phoenix chuckled to herself. How stupid dust was! How wicked it was to sneak into every nook and cranny! How weak to be blown away by a single feather duster! How weak, how ridiculous, and absurd.

Phoenix's rolling laughter died and she was left in silence once more.

Stupid dust, floating freely and baking in the sun. She envied it.

Her head flopped to the side and she looked at the journal. Phoenix grabbed it and sat it on her lap. She didn't know how to keep a journal. Perhaps if she wrote what she thought, with no concern for the contents or aesthetics, it could work. She took the pen and put it into her right hand and hovered over the first blank page. 

They were dead, her family was killed because of her. 

And so she wrote, 

"I'm ready to die…"