Chapter Thirty-Six

Entry:

I found a journal in the library today, it was different from the others. Instead of describing the author's loss, it described when he first fell in love. I spent all day reading it; nobody disturbed me down here. Not even myself. I felt a rush of excitement as I read it all, but why?

A boy falling in love. 

A great hollow feeling enveloped me after I was done, the journal reminded me of how truly alone I was. I needed something to lose myself in. Something to keep me distracted from my own thoughts. That is what my life is now- finding books, walking in gardens, eating, sleeping, bathing, anything and everything to keep my mind busy. 

I fear that I will never be alone again. 

Phoenix.

--

Inside was red; under was black. Talon groaned as he pulled down the skin from his face with his fingers- the redness from his eyes irked him and the black underneath ruined his picturesque persona. 

For the two weeks since the incident, he had been dealing with the dead, the wounded, and the victimized. His mother and father had isolated themselves. They wouldn't make an appearance for the next week just in case lingering thieves wanted to hurt them. 

In that time, Talon had pulled three all-nighters.

The first one had been the night of the disaster when he was up all night fixing everything so horribly broken. 

The second had been when he and a doctor analyzed Cole and released him. 

The third was the night before getting the news that Phoenix was open for visitors. 

Talon looked up from the note and stared at the messenger at the door. 

"Is this correct?" Talon asked.

"Yes, sir," the messenger replied.

Talon dropped the message and bolted out of his room, dashing down the halls to a spare bedroom he had set up for Phoenix. It had been two weeks, and Phoenix had finally stopped sleeping all day. She had finally stopped feeling so sick she couldn't hold anything down. She had finally been cleared by the doctor to go out and continue living. 

Talon was nervous he'd never see her grey eyes again. Now, Phoenix was awake; now, Phoenix was alive. 

Talon tripped on the rug as he neared the spare bedroom. 

He stopped in front of the closed oak door. Okay, breathe, stop shaking, everything would be okay. Servant's eyes lingered in confusion, it was odd to see the Prince running in the halls and causing a commotion. Talon was too happy and anxious to notice their stares. 

Setting aside all fears, Talon gently creaked the door open.

"Bird-" Talon stopped when he saw a girl standing in front of him, blocking his entry into the room. "Isla?" 

"Prince Talon," Isla curtsied with a soft smile. "Are you visiting Phoenix?"

"Yes, would you please leave?" he asked a little too curtly.

"She said she doesn't want to see you," Isla said in a surprisingly stern manner, "and asked me to make sure you didn't disturb her."

"What?" Talon asked. "Can I hear that from Bird herself?"

"Err, well, she is asleep right now; she is quite tired. Perhaps it'd be best if you came around when she sends for you."

"When will she send for me?" Talon's knuckles turned white as he clenched his fists. 

Just push past Isla and see Phoenix for himself. No, he remained still. Isla had no reason to lie to the Prince; they were on good terms. What had he done so wrong that Phoenix refused to see him? If he respected her wish to be alone, would she come to trust him? 

Talon had waited for her all this time, he could wait a little longer. She had just experienced something horrific and Talon could not judge her for how she was reacting. But still, he wanted to be there to comfort her. 

"Can you tell her I visited? And I'll be waiting for her to send for me?" 

Isla offered a warm smile. "Of course."

Talon stood in the door frame for a minute, his eyes searching the room beyond for a glimpse of Phoenix.

"Prince Talon," Isla encouraged, "I'm rooting for you." 

She gave a wink and then closed the door in his face. Talon had been completely rejected by two girls. One of whom he wanted to see so badly that his knees were shaking.

Fourteen days.

Talon had remained composed, patient, and sane.

Fourteen days of simmering worry only for the door to be slammed in his face.

A tension built in his chest, he was going to cry, he couldn't cry, not in the hall, not in front of people.

He wanted to go find his mother, even though she never said the right things, never provided proper comfort. But he still wanted to sit in her lap. And cry. He was not allowed to see her though, his father said that she was experiencing severe migraines. Plus, Talon wasn't a little boy. 

He needed to blow off some steam, so he trekked down to the library. Flashes of memory eclipsed Talon as he roamed through the bookshelves and past Phoenix's chair. She had been so easy to tease. 

Before Talon realized it, he was standing in front of a wall, a small door in front of him. Had Talon really sought out Roman unconsciously?

Perhaps he truly was still a kid. Child or not, Talon opened the door and was happy no one was on the other side to slam it in his face. He made the journey down the muddy stairs, down until the warm breeze became a dry chill. 

There were a few spots in these underground vaults where Roman usually hid, so Talon started his search there. The first nook produced nothing but disappointed, as did the second. Talon was going to just scream Roman's name as loud as possible after the third one was met with no company, but he refrained from doing so when the fourth had Roman's familiar hunched silhouette.

"Roman," Talon called to the Old Man in his tattered chair.

Roman didn't look up from his book, but Talon still smiled. The old man wouldn't change, would he? Roman would always prioritize these books over people. Talon pulled up a stack of books and sat facing Roman. 

What was Talon doing here? It didn't matter, Talon just needed someone to speak with.

Ever since Osprey and him had been kids, Roman looked after them. He never ran out of stories from another world and would sing nursery rhymes and read chapters from journals- he was a second father when the real one was busy playing King.

Talon studied the man before him. Roman seemed worn since the last visit. Wild hair had grown into a long nose hair, and the wrinkles entombed Roman's eyes seemed doubled. Why did he look as though he had aged twenty years in the last couple of weeks? 

"What do you need, my boy?" Roman inquired, finally setting down his book.

"I just came down here for the wonderful scent of old books."

"Don't waste my time boy, you've always fled to someone when you are feeling down. Your parents are hidden, no? So you came to me, you are adorable, adorable indeed."

Talon let out a small smile of defeat; Roman had managed to see right through him again. 

"Don't say it like I impose my company." An image of Phoenix scowling at Talon with her beautiful face popped up in his mind, but the smile faded as he looked to the ground. "It's Bird."

Roman sat up straight and scooted up to the edge of his chair. "Yes?" 

"She's allowing visitors."

"That is good news, wonderful news--"

"But she won't let me see her," Talon finished.

Roman sunk back into his chair, a hand moving to brush his beard. 

"She is a troubled one, that darling." The old man smiled to himself, as though recalling a memory he. "I dare say she is quite precious to have caught both of our eyes. She is truly remarkable."

Talon looked at Roman for a second in confusion. Roman's behavior had changed ever so slightly; it had become less fidgety, calmer. 

"Did you two get close?" Talon asked. 

"My boy, she has torn right through me. She had taken every one of my souls and thrown them back into my face."

Talon didn't quite understand what Roman meant by different souls, but he nodded in agreement nonetheless. "Everything she does, she does with such passion and raw will."

Roman's shaggy hair became disheveled as he nodded in agreement. 

Little tears clung to Talon's eyes as he sniffled his nose. "How do you do it?"

Roman reached out his hand and stroked the boy's hair. "Do what?" 

"How do you love someone?"

Talon didn't try to hold it back, tears flooded down his cheeks and stained his clothes. He had never fallen in love before. There were always girls he wanted to be with, yes, but he had never loved them. With them, his heart would beat faster, his smile would become more full. But with Phoenix, his heart ached when she was gone, by his side, or just in view. He couldn't stop thinking of her, and he wanted to show her every genuine side of himself. Nothing hurt him more than her refusal to even look at his face. 

Talon was given everything he wanted; he was raised as a leader and trained as a warrior. He had been schooled to read and write, been schooled in history and manners. But he had never been taught how to love.

"Is love always this painful?" Talon asked between jagged breaths.

"In my experience, yes." 

Talon glanced up, his eyes red and cheeks puffy. "How do I make it stop? Everything hurts." 

"You can't make it stop, even if they have died and long since left you…" Roman trailed off.

"However," he continued after a couple of seconds, "I am beginning to experience a new love, a different type of love. There is my love for you, for instance, and the joy of watching you grow."

"Roman, why do you sound so different?" Talon hiccupped. "You sound so normal."

Roman chuckled a little. 

"That is because of this most recent love. A girl has shown me a love I thought I would never have the privilege of experiencing. A love not of eros or desire, not of romance or political gain. She has shown me that I have been lost for so many years, Talon."

Roman moved from his chair and with a heavy sigh, plopped himself onto the ground. Talon got off his wobbling stack of books and sat close enough to touch. 

"She has become a child I want to protect and treasure; she has helped me become found." Roman looked at the book he had been reading earlier with a wistful smile.

"Talon, I have helped raise you and Osprey. She never grew attached to me and you have only visited when you need help. But you are not my son, you are my friend who I have the privilege of taking care of."

Talon let out another sob, and Roman pulled him into a hug and patted his back. 

"Phoenix is like you, headstrong and witty. But she does not rely on me like you do, I rely on her. She is like a daughter I released into the wild who came back to take care of me in old age. I love you Talon, but we both know you would never do that."

Talon opened his eyes and smiled a little. "I know." 

Talon did know. He had never taken care of another person like Phoenix did, he was always able to be with someone for a short while and move on. 

"How do you care for someone you love and make them love you back?" 

"In order for love to work, you need patience, kindness, and the determination to be happy with them," Roman chuckled a little to himself. "And I suppose in your case a better sense of humor."

Although it was intended to be an insult Talon laughed along, his tears finally stopping their flow. 

"Just be there for her and behave," Roman concluded, like a father chasing away his daughter's date. "And don't you dare hurt her." 

Talon dipped his head. "I will make her smile again," Talon swore. "I will make her so happy that she'll cope with unnecessarily sarcastic comments and poorly thought-out insults." 

Talon couldn't see Roman's face, but he imagined Roman was smiling. 

"Rise your head, my boy."

Talon did as he was told. Roman smiled and stood, stretching out his hand. Talon clasped it with his own and joisted himself up. 

"You are a good kid when you behave," Roman teased. 

"And you are a good mentor when you keep your wits about you."

The two men smiled at each other's ridiculous and horrible personalities. After they acknowledged each other one last time, Roman turned to sit back in his chair. Like a wound-up doll reaching its end, Roman reset into a resting position. He would not become alive again until someone would come and wound him up. 

"Thank you," Talon whispered. 

Navigating through the bookshelves and climbing back up the stairs, Talon made his way back to the surface of the real world.

"You're crying," a familiar voice noted.

Talon glanced up to see Osprey leaning up against a bookshelf. She wore a yellow sundress with a high leg slit and low neckline. 

"What are you doing here?" Talon asked.

"I'm serious, Talon. Are you okay?" Osprey pushed herself off the shelf and walked over to Talon. "Did you talk with that old man?"

Talon's scowled at her rude tone. "Yes. You don't have to be concerned, your genuine nature is freaking me out." 

Osprey laughed a little. "Ah hah! There he is."

Talon wiped his eyes and tried to hide a smile. 

"How have you been holding up?" he asked his younger sister.

"I'm bored. I can't have a normal conversation with anyone. They all just talk about that night and gossip about what could have happened."

"Do you know what happened?"

"Don't insult me by pretending I can piece together this whole riddle myself," she interpreted.

Talons supposed he was used to talking with Phoenix, who always bounced ideas around. 

Osprey and Talon meandered towards the library exit. Light feet slowed their pace as Talon thought about the inevitable work awaiting beyond. 

"I still don't understand the throw-up," Talon shook his head in thought.

"But that's not why you were crying, was it?" Osprey inquired.

Talon didn't reply. 

"Is it that girl you've been lingering around the library for?" 

His eyes twitched to the side.

"So it is her. What happened? Did she die?"

"No; she's almost done with recovery and will be fin." 

"Then what's the issue?"

"I obviously don't want to talk about it with you," Talon sighed.

"Yeah I know. Want to fight it out?" 

A whole-hearted smile cracked Talon's features as his eyes swept over Osprey. 

Osprey looked at Talon and asked, "What?"

He lifted his chin and met her eyes. "You're actually nice, in your own weird way. I'm feeling a lot better, thank you. There's no need to cheer me up." 

For a flash of a second Osprey wore a relieved face, but it was quickly put up with a cool demeanor. "I wasn't trying that hard." 

Talon joined back up with her pace and they continued to walk in silence. Both had the habit of keeping heavy thoughts and speaking light words, but this time they were simply silent. If they talked, his sister would become that freelancing petty annoyance once more, and he the easily irked big brother. 

"I'm going to stop here," Talon said right outside Phoenix's door. 

"Okay," Osprey agreed, averting her eyes to the ground.

"Thank you, O."

"Just don't say I don't do anything for you," she replied, leaving Talon and continuing to walk.

Talon couldn't face being shut out by Isla again, so instead he slid down the wall and onto the floor. It was well into the evening; the halls were empty. Talon had missed another dinner, but he couldn't find the will to care. 

Quiet consumed his mind.

Behind the door, faint whispers were exchanged. Talon couldn't make out was said, but it sounded like Isla and Phoenix chatting. Phoenix's voice became a distant hum as Talon's eyes slowly closed.

Starving, clad in a tear-stained shirt, Talon eventually fell asleep to Phoenix's blurred voice.