Chapter Thirty-Nine

TW: S/A and S/H

Entry:

I hate it. I hate waking in the morning. I hate when they appear behind shut eyes. But what I hate most is how much I still don't care.

I feel fine. I feel like going about my day doing absolutely nothing. I just don't care. I can't feel, I can't feel. 

Get over yourself. You know what you did wrong. This is for thinking you could do anything. Rip! This is for being naive. Tear! And this is for being yourself. Slash! And this is for never getting help-

Four more to my collection of deserved scars. No, I must have an odd number, just one more-

Phoenix.

--

Two more weeks and Phoenix hadn't said a word. 

Talon had braced for impact, for a storm of anger and sadness- but nothing came. Phoenix merely sat still, a storm brewing in a hollow vessel. No one could reach her; she wouldn't talk to anyone. Phoenix was silent.

Talon made sure to see her whenever he could- after meetings, court appearances, dinner, but his visits were fruitless. Even tonight, as Talon finished his last meeting, he knew nothing would transpire when he found her. The girl who had become enraged when Talon teased her, who had smiled to herself as she dissolved into a book, who fought and dedicated her life to her family, wouldn't express so much as a single word. 

She hadn't cried when Talon told her Cole refused to see her. 

She hadn't smiled when Talon told her Roman was happy she was safe.

She didn't even flinch when Talon brushed a strand of hair out of her face.

Phoenix merely sat there; eyes focused on a spot past Talon's shoulder. Even when his fingers were entwined with her own, Phoenix was unreachable. 

On this night he searched for Phoenix in the library.

It was past midnight and Talon's eyelids weighed heavy, but he couldn't go to bed yet; he had to check on her or he wouldn't sleep peacefully. Soon, Talon was in the library once again, walking straight to where Phoenix spent most of her time. In her favorite sea glass green chair, Phoenix was hugging her chest with her head on her knee, fast asleep. Did she always sleep here now? Could she no longer bear her room?

Dark circles engulfing Phoenix's eyes and deep breaths revealed she hadn't slept in a while, so Talon didn't disturb her. 

She'd catch a cold.

Talon fled the library before returning with a warm blanket from his own bed. He ran up to his tower and back, afraid that Phoenix would be gone when he returned. Luckily when he arrived, Phoenix was still passed out and curled into herself. 

Talon smiled; her mouth had opened a little and a touch of drool rimmed Phoenix's mouth. He flicked the blanket up in the air and laid it over her. 

Then, pulling it up to her shoulders, he whispered into her ear, "This is thanks for when you did the same for me in the hall. I hope your dreams send you to a place of bliss." 

Talon was happy to tuck her into bed, even if the gesture wouldn't receive any recognition the next day. Even if these calm moments were so far and in between that Talon was losing hope in his own abilities. 

Rolling tension out of his shoulders, a yawn escaping Talon's lips, and he dropped his last smile of the day. It was his own rule: always feign easy confidence when in public, as pretending often led to reality. Not anymore. Now, smiling required effort. Now, when the smile dropped, a scream unwound his jaw and threatened to rip his sanity in half. 

Talon's entire face collapsed as soon as he entered his room. His covers welcomed him warmly as he fell onto his bed. Bed, finally, sleep, bed-

Talon stared at the ceiling. His eyes were wide awake. He felt like his eyes were carved from stone, but his brain wouldn't grant him rest.

His family was partially responsible for this. 

His family had lied to Phoenix and sent her on a difficult mission, even inviting her siblings into the thick of it. Talon knew it was no one person's fault, for tragedy required several mistakes from multiple people. What would have happened if Talon didn't fumble with Phoenix's tied hands? Was he to blame as well?

He didn't know. 

All Talon knew was that his family's top priority was getting the crown back, and his top priority was getting Phoenix back.

If only she could see Cole again, be able to feel a sense of home with him. No- Cole would yell at Phoenix, it would be a bad idea to meet. If only Phoenix wasn't forced to work, if only there were no thieves, if only... 

Nothing he thought mattered, though. Talon fell into a shallow sleep, deeply troubled.

#

Talon had one more royal appearance before his day would come to an end. Then he could see her again. He must see her again. His previous meeting ran late so Talon sped-walked through the halls, his stride stretched by stress and his smile spread by sheer habit.

On his way to the Throne Room, his foot cramped and his back shot out in pain. Talon's hair had been run through by his fingers until the ends stood on their own, and the circles under his pale eyes had only darkened, he needed to recharge. He needed to see Phoenix. That wouldn't happen until after his duties. The thought of seeing her at the end of each day, even if she was a blank canvas, gave Talon enough of a boost to shake off the pain and waltz into the throne room.

The Queen, King, and his sister were already seated. 

"You're late," the King accused.

"I'm sorry, councilman Frederick held me after my meetings." 

"I suppose this time I'll let it slide; you've been busy."

Talon gave a short bow and took his place on his throne. He closed his eyes. Cool, uncaring, distant, powerful. Narrowed eyes slid open and he smirked towards the entrance doors. The Prince was ready.

"Let him in!" the King yelled.

The two large oak doors parted and light from the hall leaked in, illuminating Greyson's stocky figure. There were no restraints to clatter as Greyson entered. He wore his uniform and a blank face plagued with a frown. In a castle built for comfort, it seemed no one was able to sleep. Greyson treaded up to the podium and offered a bow, his eyes focused on the King and Queen.

"Your majesties," Greyson greeted.

"Rise," the King paused until Greyson had done so. "I do not wish to waste the time of someone who helped cleanup after that night, so I'll be quick. What do you know about that night?" 

An impatient tapping echoed throughout the room as the Prince's fingers danced on his armrest. 

"You were close with the girl I hired; did she figure out anything about the thieves?" the King continued. "Tell us about why everyone was throwing up and why you were in our safe room."

"I know nothing, your majesty," Greyson reported. "All I know is I am nothing but a guard, and I followed you to protect you. Phoenix did the same. I know nothing of the events of that night."

Talon's icy eyes turned deadly as he glared.

"Nothing? Even though there were reports of you and Phoenix watching the vomit transpire by the door rather than reacting and leaving?" the King accused.

Greyson tilted his chin up. Talon always thought Greyson was an honest boy, just riled by emotions and desperate for attention. The smile and slight shake of the head was so calculated, so perfectly innocent, that Talon wondered how badly he had underestimated Greyson.

"I am but a guard, I know nothing but what information you have provided," he repeated. "Perhaps the food was rotten."

Greyson's face of innocence and confusion never quivered, though Talon could have sworn he felt a mocking smile pointed at him.

"Very well," the King sighed in disappointment. "Then you may return-"

"We should question him more," Talon interrupted, convinced that Greyson was up to no good.

The King's hand tapped his temple in thought.

"With all due respect," Greyson explained, "as you said, I was with Phoenix all night. Are you suggesting that she, too, was involved in criminal activity? We were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. We followed you into the safe room to make sure you were okay; we never had ill intentions."

"I see. This matter seems to be settled for now, you may leave," the King declared. 

Greyson didn't waste a second; he bowed and rushed out of the Throne Room- probably to go see Cole. Talon ground his teeth in disgust. How dare Greyson use Phoenix as a cover for his own actions! 

"Well, that was dull," Osprey commented as she leaped out of her chair.

"Not dull, but rather uninformative," the King corrected. "He was obviously not with the party who took the crown if the child's death tells us anything. It would be best to let him go and focus on the crown."

"How are you going to track down your crown now?" Osprey asked. 

Talon shifted in his chair anxiously, his legs were bouncing up and down feverishly. 

"Any ideas?" his father asked her.

Talon couldn't care about this talk, not when he finally had time to go see a Phoenix. He rose from his chair, straightened his jacket, and took a step forward to leave.

"Talon?" his mother asked. 

Talon stopped and turned to look at her pale, smooth face. The royal family had been making public appearances for the past week, and mother had recovered from her chronic headaches. 

"I'm sorry, what?" Talon asked.

The King sighed, "You really must pay attention when I speak to you. I asked if you had any theories?"

Talon didn't want to deal with this, they had councilmen and experienced strategists for this nonsense!

Talon just said the first thing that came into his head, "Just send people out onto the streets to see if they hear any rumors about anything acting up." 

"Good," the King said. 

Osprey shot Talon a glare. He didn't scowl, fearing that if he dropped the Princely mask now, it wouldn't come back on. Talon just had to hold on until he saw Phoenix again. 

"I will be doing as you suggest, Prince," the King praised. "You'll be kept updated." 

Talon gave a curt bow and took the opportunity to leave. Strolling the streets in hopes of finding something wasn't the best idea, but he didn't care enough to voice anything else.

"Show off," Osprey called out to him as he wandered through the same large oak doors Greyson had just left. 

Talon didn't bother to look back at his teasing sister. Through posh halls and by large windows, he made the familiar trek to the library in search of Phoenix again. It was getting late, and the halls were void of most people. Tap, tap, tap. The noise didn't bother him. 

It felt like ever since that night, Talon was in panic mode. He needed to constantly move his body and keep himself busy to outrun the storm in him. But tonight, Talon walked too slowly, and waves of thoughts drowned him.

He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his wrists, feeling the burn of the ropes that were on him. He took a step forward and thought of the pool of blood from the child's head, staining the soles of his shoes and the hands of Phoenix's shaking body. Talon thought of Phoenix laying on the floor, and the eternal seconds when he thought she had died in that bathroom. Walls danced around him at a pace faster than Talon's own breath.

There was no more denying it. Talon was escaping to the library, not simply meandering around for Phoenix. Upon entering, he marched right over to her spot. She was sitting in her chair, wide awake. She held a book in her hands but stared blankly at the floor. 

Talon felt tears invading his eyes at her silhouette; the mere sight of Phoenix made him relax. If he rested now, he'd be in her company, he'd be okay. He could sleep to the sound of turning pages, her breath, her body shifting in the chair. 

Talon was like a puppy. 

He dragged his feet over to Phoenix and laid down on the ground by her feet. There were no other chairs, and Talon didn't have the energy to go find one and pull it up. She didn't even look at him. Her eyes remained unmoving as she turned the pages in her book. 

Perhaps Talon would finally get a full night's rest. He snuggled up to the base of Phoenix's chair and closed his eyes. A minute of counting sheep passed, or maybe it was an hour, but he was still awake, if only barely. Talon nodded off but was jolted awake by the voices of his memory screaming.

Everything crashed in a destructive tsunami: death, Phoenix laying on the floor bludgeoned, the crown, his parents… the inability to feel safe in his home or keep the ones he loved happy. Before Talon knew it, he was wide awake. Breath in and out- no- not so fast- 

Sobs thrusted out of Talon's body. 

He was as exhausted as a seventy-year-old man visiting his wife's grave, finally given an opportunity to sleep, but only able to cry.

He laid, curled on the floor of Phoenix's feet, and mourned like a child was shot in front of him. The tears didn't stop when Phoenix's hand stroked his hair in a loving way. Like she cared. 

Why was she comforting him? He should be comforting her! 

But Talon couldn't stop, his wall had broken in front of her, as she always was so good at doing. Phoenix didn't remove her hand, even after Talon cried himself to sleep. 

#

Phoenix was consumed to do nothing, driven to accomplish death, and found grasping even a simple idea impossible.

Her brain repeated: read that journal again, and then she was heading down to Roman's library. It didn't matter that the Prince was curled at her feet, she decided to visit Roman now.

Down she went. A drip of water fell onto her nape. She didn't wipe it away. She walked through the unkempt bookshelves as she felt another drop slide down her cheek. Roman was in his favorite nook. 

The old man didn't look up from his chair, and neither company acknowledged the other. Phoenix sank into a seat and opened Stilts' journal, which had been resting on the table beside her. 

"Do you like that story?" Roman asked.

Did it matter? Her brain said read it, and she obeyed. 

"We were both wrong. Neither of us are clever, my darling. We are the scum of the earth."

Roman just declared that Phoenix was the scum of the earth. It sounded right to her.

"Have you been able to grip your conscience yet? Wrap your hands around a solid thought and squeeze out genuine emotion?"

There was a particular spot on the wall. It blended in so well with the rest of the wall.

"That's how it was when I lost Sadie."

Phoenix's fingers twitched in Roman's direction. 

So that's how it was. 

"I am saying this so you will believe what I have to say later, my darling. You were right, Serva is not dead," Roman said. "And neither is Stilts. I wrote in third person, as though they were characters whose story had ended. I have lived a long life of multiple names thanks to that crown. The night of the earthquake—that was the last time I held the Stone and was able to revive. I'm afraid I gave your younger brother a fright when he saw me using his room to leave. His room had a passage to the chamber I used. I didn't realize someone was in there until I had already entered. 

"You believe me now, don't you see? We're idiots. The Queen did nothing but take the Stone. I need that Stone to live- don't you see! She wanted to live forever, so she kept it on hand and used it once. But she was smart. She used it outside the castle, so no one would catch her quake. She only got headaches when she lost the Stone because she hadn't been using it much. But me? Look at me! I've aged back twenty years. I need that Stone to live. I fought with her, but she insisted on trying to use the Stone on herself. She had no malicious intentions- they were only as selfish as my own. She never experimented on anyone, I just made that up to push you forward. I just wanted to stay alive. Phoenix, I lied to you." Roman stood from his chair and crumbled onto the floor.

He knelt and he lowered his head. "I just wanted the crown so I could live. The Queen refused to give it back, so I commissioned you. I am terribly sorry, so, so horrified at my own will." 

Roman bent his head onto Phoenix's lap and cried. Was this where Talon learned that trick?

Phoenix decided that she should at least look up from the journal and see the sobbing man before her. So, she spared him a glance and then looked back to the wall. She had been wrong this whole time. The only negative thing about the crown's power was the people fighting for it, and she had contributed to the brawl. 

"I am telling you this because you are important. The Stone," Roman hiccupped, "the Stone only works on one person at a time. It was me or her! And it's so delicate, if you drop it, it'll shatter and lose its power. I'm sorry! I was never able to live my life with Sadie, but if we had a kid, I would be honored if they were like you." 

Phoenix patted Roman on the head on instinct, and then walked away. Was every wall here the same?

#

Talon was startled awake by a door slamming shut. He spotted Phoenix coming back from the underground library. What was she doing?

Talon pushed himself off the floor and chased after her. Just strides behind, Talon followed Phoenix as she made her way through the endless halls. Beige, portrait, color, antics- a clock injecting nerves into Talon's body. 

Where was Phoenix going?

She walked down the halls and then turned to retrace her steps, stared right through Talon, and walked past him. She paused in front of closed doors and make large loops around the Great Hall. Antics, color, portrait, beige. 

Did she have a destination in mind? 

After an eternity of mindless walking, her footsteps finally stopped. Talon hesitated around the corner, lingering behind, not wanting to frighten her peaceful pause. Soon, a second pair of heavy footsteps sounded. 

"Hey, beautiful," a buttery voice called, "do you need help finding your way around?" 

There was the sound of a large thump against the wall, and Talon's shoulder vibrated against the wall. 

"Come on, cutie. How about we head back to my room, you look bored. Want to have some fun?"

Talon waited for Phoenix to punch this disgusting man's stomach, or for a slap across his hideous face, or curse him away. Nothing came. Instead, clothes shuffled and Talon popped out from the corner.

One of the councilmen, in his late thirties keeping a beard to his chin, had Phoenix pinned back against a wall and had slid his hand over her long dress to grip her ass.

"You bastard!" Talon snarled. 

The councilman looked up and an instant smirk spread across his face. "What, Prince? She's yours?" Phoenix's dress wrinkled as the councilman gave a tight squeeze.

"No, but you can get your disgusting hands off her. Now!"

The councilman let go of Phoenix and took a step back with his hands in the air.

"We were just having a bit of fun, no worries. Besides, if she hated it, she would have just said so."

The councilman chuckled to himself and walked away, whistling with a hand in his front pocket. He would be kicked off the council, that Talon was sure of. 

Talon whipped his head to Phoenix. "Are you okay?" 

She looked up at Talon and straightened her dress. 

"Bird, you need to fight back."

What would've happened if he had not been there? 

"Bird, you need to be more careful-"

But Phoenix had already pushed herself off the wall and walked right past Talon, heading in the opposite direction of the councilman had taken. There was no swing of her hips, no puff of her chest, or picking up her feet. Her gait was one of a rag doll. How could Talon reach her?

Perhaps she couldn't be fixed.

No! Talon slammed his fist into the wall. The wall crumbled in return, offering a visual to his crushed spirit. The pressure building in his chest overwhelmed his aching knuckles. 

Talon refused to give up. Phoenix would be better soon.