Out in the Open

The fact that he believed I would be okay with an open relationship made me want to curl up like a puppy and sob for hours. But something within me died that day. Hope. Hope died in me. I have never felt so angry and utterly speechless at the same time. Ravi's mouth continued to move. To me his words were gibberish. I recall he said something as "I think its getting really mundane....." A few statements down he said "You know I would really begin to hate you if I kept doing it only with you. Its the same body, I need some change or I might end up cheating." He then quoted the olden times how kings had many wives and that monogamy is an unnatural concept. Somewhere in the middle he said "You know nah, how much I love you... I don't want to let you go. But if I had sex only with you I would eventually lose interest. You know, same old taste gets boring after a certain period...."

After what it seemed like an eternity, the only sound that came out of me was a very miffed "hmmmh." I don't think I did that willingly. It was a sigh, only with a voice. Not a single drop of tear appered in my eyes although I wanted to scream and destroy every single thing in the house. I walked out of the hall and straight into my room. I fell on my bed, face down. But it was a 1BHK and it was his bed too. I saw his shirts lying around and I suddenly had my life flash around me. The tiny room felt like a coffin that I no longer could breath in. I took my keys, my toothbrush, my phone charger and my night gown, and rushed to the farthest lodge I could find. I needed a separate place. I needed a distraction. I had to reorganize my thoughts. I had no one to talk to, no shoulder to cry on. In the lodge I wept long enough into the pillow. All the bad memories from my childhood gushed over me. How futile it was, I thought, to serve and serve and serve the man only to be told that I tasted the same!

I switched on the television. All the movies on the several channels had the same plot- man cheating on wife and then realizing his mistake, and then the wife eventually forgives him. Across genres- comedy/tragedy/drama, across languages- Hindi/Marathi/Telugu/Tamil, across TV soaps or Web series, everywhere the same old story. It was as if the universe had conspired to train Indian men into becoming the entitled brats they are now. Surfing all channels I finally reached an english music channel. And co-incidentally the song that popped up was "Labour" by Paris Paloma.

As I heard the lyrics and had my entire relationship summarised into two paragraphs of the song, I could not help but jam up the music on my phone and listen to it all night. Indeed, its not a bad thing that our love ended.

That night I ordered everything that I had craved for. He had often told me to avoid oily, greasy food. He always subtly told me to lose weight. But today, I had lost my nerve. I ordered fried chicken, chinese food, Biryani and everything that I missed for months. I gobbled up on the chicken fries, and I greased up the biryani with its thick spicy shorba. I ate all my emotions that night. The song gave me ample of confidence. As its last stanza rose in its tone, my repressed anger crawled all over my skin. I saw myself in the mirror. My eyes stared into my soul, and I promised myself that this would be the last day I cried.

The next morning, although sleep deprived, I returned home with a fresh new take on life.

"Ravi", I poked waking him up. He had slept on the couch with the phone in his hand. He sat up sulking and partially clouded. I sat next to him. I composed myself putting up a brave face."Let's do this."

"You're sure?"

"Totally." I sighed looking at the wall. "You were right, it was gettinng rather boring. Even I needed a break."

Ravi was stunned. Those were the last words he expected from me. He rose his voice to get back. "You think I was boring? What do you mean? You weren't satisfied with all the sex?"

I said nothing and let him deduce all his worst thoughts. Silence. Silence is a very powerful weapon. My mother's tantrums cooled down when I learnt to shut up. Trigger their worst fears and watch them burn. So far he had seen my best side. From now on, I will show what I was actually trained for.

"Tell me, are you really that big of a wh*re? Of course I knew you are. Your flesh is lose anyway. There's a reason they call y' all 'lose women'. I never enjoyed sticking it inside of you. Thank god I decided to open the relationship."

"So what do you want now? Break-up?"

"Bitch..." he said, "you should be thankful that I wanted to stay with you. After all this, who would date you anyway? I mean have you seen yourself? The poor mirror feels embarrassed with the way you dress...."

I self-consciously covered my stomach to hide the folds. He went on talking shit while my ears went numb. My heart had turned to stone and it no longer affected me. He was pissed, all he could do was to try piss me off. I let him go on.

"I HAVE PAID HALF THE LEASE." He said. "So pay me back every month. I will leave once my money is returned. And I will no longer pay my share of rent. Until then we live as couple in an open relationship."

"Fine" I said. "So who sleeps on the couch from now on?"

"Why should I sleep on the couch?"

"This can go on forever. Lets agree we will sleep with our dates."

He smirked gleefully, as if he was going to sleep every night with a different girl. "Fine by me," he said, "I'd be busy everyday. Yah you can take the bed."

"So it is settled then. We'll date everyday. Whoever lands a date can sleep in the hotel, while whoever can't will sleep at home."

Ravi was overjoyed with the arrangement. I excused myself to the bathroom and showered in peace. I let the warm water relax my nerves. I had no plans, but I had feeling of contentment. Ravi had no idea what a huge storm was about to awaken. I smiled, imagining him pissed, defeated, anxious and bitter. I had seen it before- the day I left my mother for good.