She Called Me a Hero

Once the paperwork was completed, I dashed to my nasty locker, searching for my last prescription painkiller from when I was kicked in the rib cage. Jackpot. I popped the pill like candy and decided it was time to walk around the ER and pronounced, "I'm gonna show the ER that security had not gone on strike." Chester saw right through my charade and stated, "Don't blow it with Roxanne," followed by odd kissing facial expressions. I tried to ignore the statement so as not to encourage it, but I couldn't help but laugh. As expected, Jacoby bellowed, "Let me know if she's single." I returned with, "Wrap up your divorce first, tiger, and then I'll find out if Shawna is single." Shawna was a reasonably large female who could bench 200 pounds and had the patience of a Rhino. All he could come up with was, "Fuck you," his favorite retort, and I made my exit.

I searched for Roxanne and found her in Pod A, the psychiatric pod. As I walked up, she looked up from her phone with a large, warm smile and stated, "I'm glad you caught that guy because he's committed to the state mental facility." I answered confidently, "I would not have been able to if it wasn't for your words of encouragement." Her response was her cute little laugh accompanied by her luscious smile. I thought I said to myself, "I love her laugh." but her face blushed, and I clearly did not say that to myself. As I was trying to find a way to dig myself out of this hole, emergency tones blared out of my radio. The dispatcher stated, "Security has been requested to tower A, floor four, room thirty-three, for an agitated male attempting to stab staff with a spoon." Roxanne retorted in a rather enticing tone, "Go save the day, hero."

I took off, headed for the elevator, and got in the same elevator car as my two counterparts. Chester taunted, "How did you jack it up this time?" I knew those two slackasses were watching me on the camera and must have seen my oh shit look. I responded, "She called me a hero, so I must have jacked something up correctly." Jacoby exclaimed, "Shawna was watching you two the entire time and was looking at you like a piece of meat." I responded with, "She's all yours, tiny." Before he could retaliate, the door opened, and now it was all business.

As we marched towards the room, we heard, "You Nazi scum can't keep me locked up in this concentration camp." Several nurses were holding the door shut, and we lined up at the door. Chester ordered, "Lay down on your bed and put the spoon down." The response was, "You're not going to take me alive, you SS cocksuckers." I hadn't heard that one before. We let the door swing open, and a spoon flew at my face, going mach 10. I was the tallest by five inches, so naturally, every type of matter, consistency, and flavor headed for my face. Chester and I gently put the confused, pissed-off 105-year-old on the bed while the nurses applied a Restraint Vest. I told the man that my grandfather served in the army and listed his rank, regiment, and job. My grandfather returned from the grave to save my ass again, and, as usual, it did the trick. The man correctly introduced himself, "Good morning, soldiers. My name is John, and thank you for liberating me from the work camp. I'll calm down if you give me some jello." Who knew that Jello could end world wars. Chester went to grab the jello, and I picked up the engraved silver spoon off the floor and asked John, "How did you get ahold of this fancy spoon?" He responded, "The Nazi leader let me keep it because it's one of the few things that I have from my late wife." I said, "I'll give it back to you if you promise not to chuck it at anyone." He said, "I want you to have it private. You'll put more use to it than I can." There was no way I could keep it, and I started to say, "Sir, there's no way I can acc...." He calmly interrupted. "Son, I want you to bring it safely back to the States and show it off to your honey." I smiled, and he continued with, "Thank you for joining up, son, and saving my old ass." Due to a heart defect, I had to take prescription meds that made me ineligible to serve in the military, which I had always wanted to do. Hearing Johns's comment, as misguided as it was, was one of the few times someone made me feel truly appreciated. Before leaving, with the spoon in hand, I said, "I'll see you stateside." He nodded and went to work on the jello that Chester had brought.

I finally decided it was time to eat dinner or breakfast. Being on a night shift schedule alienated me from social norms, such as accidentally telling people "Good morning" at six in the evening. The cafeteria cook, Mitchell, was one of my favorite people to see at the hospital, and if I showed up with a black eye, I would get an extra serving of whatever I wanted. He said, "You looked real, studly while chasing after the guy from earlier." I always enjoyed Mitchell's flattery and asked with a smile, "How did you find out about that because you were already on shift." He said, "I have my sources," and held a finger up his mouth while making a shh sound. However, he slid a note on the counter that beamed "ROXANNE" and strutted away. I returned to the office to eat my delicious meal of tri-tip and mashed potatoes to eat like it was my last. I finished and made a break for the door when the other two were preoccupied so as not to get a lecture. I will make another run at Roxanne and see if I can successfully screw up again.