Chapter 4

There are too many times when Eiharu thinks he put no effort into looking alive, which is true in a sense.

When he opens his eyes, his bedroom is as dark as usual. The fatigue is creeping into his being barely washed away, and he knows he already needs to push himself to face the day. His scattered brain cells haven’t fully returned yet, still giving him disorientation about what time at what day right now. Downstairs, he can hear a faint ruckus, probably caused by her mother. If she isn’t alone and she isn’t with Eiharu, there is only one person allowed to enter their house.

Eiharu tries to get up but gives up as fast. It’s a good manner to show his face in front of that person, but knowing doesn’t help give the needed push. And since he is half-awake, he is twice as cranky as usual. Surely, he can’t show his annoyed face to a guest, right?

-A guest… probably not-

He can’t really consider that person a guest anymore. But to say that person is part of the household isn’t quite right either.

‘Eiharu, are you awake?’ A knock on his door followed by Haruna’s soft voice, ‘Mutsuo-san is here. Let’s have dinner together.’

-Dinner… today’s dinner, or next day’s?-

Eiharu checks the time on his phone screen. The date hasn’t changed, meaning he only slept for three hours. His mother returned from work on time with that person, which explains why his mother didn’t comment about no food on the table.

-Come to think of it, I haven’t eaten since last night-

No wonder his stomach protested at the thought of dinner. He isn’t in the mood to speak with anyone, yet the painful sensation coming from his stomach is hard to endure. The longer he postpones, the more trouble he needs to deal with later on, Haruna’s scolding included. As much as he doesn’t want to, he has to get down now.

“Good morning, Eiharu. Though it’s night now.”

Heavy voice yet said so softly. This gentleman sitting on the dining chair is the epitome of big Hello Kitty. Since Eiharu rarely meets anyone, he doesn’t have enough people to compare. All he knows, this person’s personality betrays that rough appearance.

Mutsuo Hagino looks like a delinquent; a big body, stern eyebrows, a rough visage, and sharp eyes. But when he smiles, he looks as innocent as a newborn baby. His personality matches that smile so much that one will wonder which is the true him; a gentleman, or a delinquent.

Eiharu constantly got reminded of a cute bear he often sees online whenever he sees Mutsuo smile. Of course, he was scared of the older man the first time he visited. Eiharu will hide inside his room, avoiding contact as much as possible despite Haruna urging him to show himself. It took some time before Eiharu could physically be in the same room with Mutsuo without wanting to leave. After all, seeing how the man shows great care towards Haruna, Eiharu knows he will have to accept the man to be part of their family sooner or later. Besides, compared to his own father, he prefers Mutsuo more.

“Morning, Hagino-san,” Eiharu whispers his reply and sits in his usual spot; next to his mother across the table.

“Good morning, Eiharu," Mutsuo observes him closely. "You look sick. Are you okay?”

“Probably just lack of sleep.”

“Oh… deadline?”

“Mm.”

“I see. Get a rest as soon as you’re done with work.”

“Mm, thank you.”

Compared to Haruna, Mutsuo is a lot more understanding. Eiharu still limits his words, but his casual chitchat with Mutsuo doesn’t annoy him as much as with Haruna. He doesn’t feel tired as fast as usual from having an obligatory talk with the man. Mutsuo is a good listener, after all, unlike his mother.

“Eiharu, do you even wash your face?” Haruna puts their plates on while glancing at Eiharu’s unfurled hair. “At least wash your face, will you?”

Eiharu just hum and starts eating. He has good food, but he has no appetite. Haruna’s chitchat with Mutsuo becomes the background sound as his mind is dozing off.

-Come to think of it-

Just now, he dreamt about the past before waking up. No wonder his mood becomes sour again. It’s been a while since he had such a dream, but it affects every aspect of his being whenever it occurs. He hates it but has no idea how to avoid it.

“What’s with that face?” Haruna nudges his elbow. “Mutsuo-san bought it for us. You should at least be thankful even if you don’t like it.”

“Who says I’m not thankful?” Eiharu frowns in annoyance. “My face is always like this.”

“You frown too deep.”

Eiharu is pissed, but he decides to say nothing. However, it’s not his mother if she can let it stop right there. There will always be a way for her to turn a small matter into a huge problem and somehow blame him. Even Eiharu already gets tired of it, and he wonders why she hasn’t.

“You don’t even say any gratitude.”

“Thanks, Hagino-san.”

“It’s nothing.” Mutsuo knows it will become another banter, and he doesn’t wish to see it when Eiharu is clearly on the verge of lashing out. “It’s okay, Haruna. Eiharu is tired, so--”

“Mutsuo-san, you spoil him too much. He’s home all day, what is he tired from?” Haruna turns her head to Eiharu again. “Why are you glaring at me like that?”

“Because you accused me, what else?”

“Is that how you talk to your mom??”

-Always, whatever I say is always wrong-

Eiharu throws her the last glare before getting up and returning to his own room. He doesn’t even finish the food on his plate.

“I’m not done talking to you, Eiharu!”

Of course, it won’t be enough to stop him from slamming the door. A perk of being an adult, he can openly get mad at his mother now, and she can’t hit him under the pretext of being disrespectful. Eiharu can hear the upset murmur from his room even though he can’t make out the inaudible words. Whatever, he is grateful he is too tired to be in another banter with her.

-I’m tired, he sighs, but she’s right. Why do I even feel tired if I’m home all day, rotting in my room?-

He admits, he rarely has a proper talk with Haruna. Their communication is so, so awful, almost no dialogue between them ends in a good term. Eiharu is aware something needs to change if he wants to repair his relationship with her. But it’s useless if she doesn’t want to do the same. Though, the last part is merely Eiharu’s guess since as mentioned, they never properly converse.

-She still treats me like a kid who needs to be punished-

When they barely have time to be with each other, such a problem occurs naturally. Eiharu sees Haruna as a demanding elder who nags him constantly, while she sees him as a kid who needs his parents for everything. They were never trying to look from the other’s perspective.

Eiharu closes his eyes. He feels terrible leaving in the middle of dinner that way, especially in front of Mutsuo who came to visit. It isn’t very pleasant to be seen in that position. It reminds him of how the mothers from the neighborhood will silently judge him for misbehaving. He hates how his mother doesn’t hold back from humiliating him in public, as if she takes pleasure from scolding him in front of an audience.

His heartbeat is still thumping madly from irritation and shame.

-It’s always me who needs to yield because I am the kid, and she is the parent-

Eiharu doesn’t want to be highly respected like what Haruna used to say. He doesn’t even need to hear an apology when Haruna makes mistakes. He just… wishes to be treated like a decent human being; not a troublemaker, not a kid who needs teaching. He wants Haruna to see him as himself.

Then again, which one is himself?

Eiharu never knows either.

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Eiharu’s vibrating phone snaps him out of his thoughts. He blinks a few times while his hand roams the bed looking for his phone. His eyes blur from drowsiness, and he barely sees the number shown on the vibrating alarm. He swipes the screen to turn it off, feeling irritated.

Always, a forceful wake will set his mood sour. He is not an office worker nor a student, so pretty much, he doesn’t need an alarm to wake himself. And knowing how cranky he is whenever he is woken up by force, it’s better if he sets none. But for him, the alarm does nothing but a reminder of the time. It’s like small leverage he has to stick to reality.

-Five in the morning, Mom should be downstairs getting ready-

And Eiharu can hear the faint commotion from the kitchen downstairs. When Haruna isn’t busy, she usually prepares breakfast and her own lunch. Whether she makes enough leftovers for Eiharu is a mystery every time. It’s not because she doesn’t want to feed him, but Eiharu doesn’t always want to eat what she makes. Most of the time, his appetite is super specific, and eating something his tongue doesn’t want only sets his mood even lower.

Remembering how he left the dining table last night, he thought Haruna wouldn’t leave him anything to eat out of annoyance. It always happens; Eiharu doesn’t feel bad or anything about seeing the empty fridge.

-If I were in her position, I would get upset too-

Not once did Eiharu ponder why he is this understanding. He tries not to get angry a lot towards people as he tries to understand the reason behind their actions. Towards Haruna, perhaps his position as her child and his fear of getting severely scolded, he endures it more than anyone.

Yes, he is scared. This is something his mother never realized because she sees him as disrespectful; Eiharu is extremely afraid of her getting angry. Eiharu doesn’t see the fault in his usual tone and speaking manner because he mirrors what Haruna says to him. That’s the only way of conversing he has known since he was young. He is cranky because Haruna acts that way. He glares and frowns because Haruna often shows that kind of expression to him. He speaks rudely because Haruna usually raises her voice in his childhood. When Haruna complained, he wasn’t sure what he did wrong because… that was all he knew.

Eiharu closes his eyes. His heartbeat is thumping madly again. Remembering the fight from last night triggers his anxiety. He’s scared thinking about the blatant unfriendliness Haruna will throw him. He’s scared of having to face her sulking. But apologizing is out of the question, at least verbally. He knows how to try to make up, but he does not do so by his mouth.

-The more we caught in a banter, the more I didn’t want to get out-

His biggest problem; is being so avoidant even after the smallest clash. Nothing he hates more in this world aside from confrontation. Eiharu is too used to turning blind eyes, pushing things aside, and ignoring all his problems no matter how enormous it becomes, no matter how much trouble he has to deal with in the future.

-It was just a small bicker-

Haruna probably isn’t even mad anymore, but he won’t find out unless he gets up from the bed and comes to speak to her. Instead, he lets his imagination dance and thinks about the worst thing possible. In a way, his tendency to hide rather than face the problem makes him cowardly and childish. Being an adult means facing the world, and Eiharu refuses to do so.

-No wonder she thinks of me as a brat, because I am a brat-

Eiharu rolls on his bed, burying his face in the pillow and curls. Not yet, not now. He isn’t ready to do anything; not facing his mother, not working. He wants to curl under the blanket and probably pass out from suffocation. That way, he can forget his distress momentarily without feeling guilt or remorse.

But... can he? Can he stop feeling guilty?

Of course, he’s aware doing so won’t help him feel better.

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