Chapter 7

Kanryou is rarely seen in a bad mood. As his little brother, Hakaru had only witnessed it a few times in the past, so long ago, when they were still students. The older Kanryou gets, the better he is at handling his emotions. While Hakaru knows Kanryou is an ordinary guy and his getting upset is unavoidable, Hakaru still thinks the event to be an anomaly. A rare occurrence. After all, who's stupid enough trying to piss his kind brother?

"Brother, did someone steal your food?"

"What? No, of course not."

"You look like you want to swallow someone as a whole." Hakaru turns to his side, observing Kanryou's expression with his eyes squinting. "The only reason for me to feel that upset is when someone stole my food."

Kanryou blinks once, twice, before letting out a snort. Though it hasn't dissipated his annoyance, he feels slightly better now.

"It's not like that. I just… met an old acquaintance."

"Oh? Was he your enemy?"

"I'm not sure."

Hakaru raises an eyebrow. He had never heard of any bad blood history that Kanryou might have. "What do you mean by 'not sure'?"

"Well… He did something hateful, but I wasn't particularly affected because I was never his target."

"Oh… he picked on your friend or something?"

"You can say it that way."

"Hmm, hmm, I understand. You're always like that, so I get why you're upset meeting that person again." Hakaru nods his head in understanding. "Where did you see that guy? When?"

"In the hospital two days ago." Kanryou inhales deeply. "I helped an emergency patient. Turns out, they are relatives."

"Wow, suck. Does that person remember you?"

"...yeah. He was the one who approached me."

Truthfully, Kanryou thought it was a coincidence. As he wouldn't call himself and Toshiya befriended each other in the past, he didn't think Toshiya would even remember his existence. Toshiya didn't mention anything either, so there was a moment when he thought Toshiya was only showing his gratitude out of politeness. Kanryou was the one who remembered him.

-But… there is something in his greeting that tells me he did so on purpose-

Or perhaps, their awful history was the reason why Kanryou was so malicious towards Toshiya; who knows? The moment he recognizes Toshiya, he becomes suspicious of whatever the man does. He has yet to meet Toshiya again after that one time in the elevator. He doesn't want a second encounter. But with how things turned, it's impossible.

Hakaru's hand waving in front of his face snaps Kanryou out of his wandering thoughts.

"Sorry, I dozed off. What did you say?"

"I said, 'wanna look for fresh air, then? It's your day off, and getting so hung over bad stuff is not good," Hakaru grins. "My treat, how about that?"

"Seems someone just got his salary."

"You bet I am! The project was a big success, and Senri hasn't shaved my head bald. It's a good reason to celebrate."

"I feel like the day it happens is approaching fast."

Hakaru immediately covers his head. "Hoooi! My hair is my tool of bargain! I can't lose it!"

"Relax, Hakaru. You still look beautiful even with a bald head."

"Tsk, how funny. And don't call me beautiful. You're being disrespectful towards my handsome face."

"You're even more beautiful than Miss Rui, you know."

"Hey, don't talk shit about my girl!"

"No, no. I mean…" Kanryou tries to hold back his laughter. "Compared to you, she's much manlier and dependable. More handsome than you as well."

"... that's it. I change my mind. I don't wanna treat you anymore."

"Hahaha, I'm just joking." Kanryou rummages Hakaru's hair. "Let's go, okay?"

.

.

The cafe Hakaru and Kanryou visited was recently opened. As usual, a new place easily attracts the crowd. Putting aside the tempting promotion offered, the brand new interior gives a luxurious vibe to hang out at. It's refreshing.

"I came here on the grand opening day with Senri," Hakaru sips his drink before biting the straw out of habit, "She complained since the crowd was awful. She couldn't hear what I said as there was too much noise."

"Did you go somewhere else after that?"

"No." Hakaru laughs. "I was too busy taking pictures of our food to hear her complaint."

Kanryou sighs and shakes his head. "If you keep treating her that way, I'm not surprised if she dumps you someday."

"Eh, I already made amends. She admitted the place was good. The food was also tasty. She said the next time I take her here, I have to make sure not to come when there are too many people."

Kanryou sweeps his eyes around. "Well… surely, it won't be as crowded after a while."

"That's what I'm saying." Hakaru waves his finger dramatically. "And when the crowds go down, I'll try to take Ei here too."

Kanryou gives him a look. He often heard about this coworker from Hakaru and Hakaru's attempt to make him socialize. From Hakaru's story, Kanryou thinks this Ei guy isn't a bad person, just awkward and reserved. However, there should be a limit on how hard-headed a person can be. Besides, Hakaru means well and hasn't crossed any boundaries while trying to befriend the guy. As a brother, Kanryou worries that the Ei guy's lack of apathy will hurt Hakaru's kindness.

"Is he still rejecting you?"

"You talk like I endlessly confessed my undying love for him." Hakaru laughs. "But you're right. He hasn't relent. How many years has it been? Two? Three?"

"Don't you think… it's time to stop? If he doesn't want to despite your effort, I don't think you should continue what you've been doing."

"Nah, it's okay. Like I always tell you, he's not a bad guy. I just want him to open up a bit more to me."

"But… it's been so long, Hakaru. You'll get tired eventually."

"But I'm not tired yet, Brother. I don't want to give up yet."

Kanryou rests his chin on his palm. If he thinks about it, Hakaru is the same as him; they are both relentless and determined. Hakaru isn't as ambitious as Kanryou with his life goal; he is near-sighted regarding his own future. However, Hakaru loves the journey he walks on while heading towards the invisible goal. He loves picking up small things, and he cherishes the connection he builds on his way. This Ei guy was probably unfortunate, as Hakaru had already set his eyes on him. But if Kanryou thinks about it carefully, that Ei guy needs someone persistent like Hakaru in his life.

"He's lucky to know you, Hakaru. I hope… he realizes it soon."

Hakaru grins happily. "It's okay, Brother. It's not completely fruitless. Though still baby steps, he opened up towards me more than before."

"Oh?"

"He was quite snarky when the deadline was near. After the project ended, we chitchatted, and he apologized. He said he had been having nightmares, and it affected him."

"That's too bad. Is he okay now?"

"Not sure. I mean, he said the nightmares stopped, and he tried to catch up more sleep while he could."

"I see. If he's distressed, it would be hard for him to sleep peacefully."

"That's what I said to him." Hakaru shrugs nonchalantly. "I even offered to accompany him, but he refused. That guy, geez…"

"Huh?" Kanryou frowns. "How are you going to accompany him?"

"Staycation? I can watch him sleep. You know I'm a perfect guard."

"...No wonder he said no."

"Hey, that's the best I can offer! I even told him I would pay the hotel fee myself, he just needed to come. Besides, a sleepover is fun."

"At times, I wonder how your brain works…"

At times, Kanryou wonders why Hakaru is his little brother.

=====

The blur ceiling greets Eiharu the moment he opens his eyes. His neck and back feel sore from his bad sleeping posture. With the air conditioner working on that chill morning, he curls under the blanket, resulting in stinging pain around his joints as he tries to stretch out his limbs.

Just now, he didn't remember having any dreams.

After being haunted by the awful memories of his past, seeing no dreams feels like the salvation he needs. Being sleep-deprived is his day-to-day situation. He can stay awake for the whole twenty-four hours despite being so sleepy. But that condition prevents him from getting productive, so all he can do is lie on his bed and contemplate his awful life choices.

Still half-awake, Eiharu checks his phone notification. Aside from the usual updates from his social media that he ignores, a few new chats from Hakaru consist of photos. Since he can't see the pictures Hakaru sent through the notification popup, he momentarily ponders if checking the message right now is the right idea.

But, in the end, his curiosity wins over his fear.

[The new cafe I told you about], was written, followed by a picture of Hakaru's selfie in the said building, [Let's go together when it's less crowded]

Eiharu swipes the pictures, looking uninterested. The place looks cozy and awesome, but the crowd in the background makes him scream 'no'. He heard about the recently opened place; it's all over social media, after all. No wonder it attracts so many people when it finally opens to the public. Eiharu isn't adventurous as he hates foreign places. Aside from the hospital, the only places he often visits are the nearest minimarket and coffee shop to his house. As much as he wants to try visiting more sites, he chooses not to.

[Are you still there?]

Eiharu typed in his reply, not expecting a response on time. I already left long ago, but I'm still in the city. Do you want to come? My brother is with me]

[No way I will]

[Change of pace, Ei. You have been sleeping for days, haven't you? You need fresh air]

[I plan to go to the minimarket]

[Just there? Come with me]

[I won't]

Hakaru replies with a sticker, and Ei stops responding to the message. He puts away his phone and gets up, stretching his limbs again. His neck doesn't sting anymore, though the soreness remains. Rubbing his eyes trying to push aside his drowsiness, he drags his legs to the bathroom, sitting under the shower. With warm water rushing down his head, it's harder for him to keep his eyes open. However, his mind slowly cleared off. After a few days of feeling like shit thanks to the nightmares he had, his energy is still depleted. But as Hakaru said, he needs a fresh air.

-I guess… I'll take a little detour to the minimarket-

Haruna is still working at this hour, so he doesn't need to ask for her permission to go out. It's not like he needs to, but Haruna will always ask where he is heading, and he isn't in the mood to talk to anyone yet. After getting out of the shower and changing his clothes, he stares at his reflection in the mirror.

-I look like a ghost-

Haruna often says he looks like a walking zombie, especially in a bad mood. Eiharu doesn't care about his appearance, albeit he is grateful because his skin condition isn't bad. It's just rough from lack of attention. He thinks about doing something to his face but ponders too much about the effort he needs to make over something he is barely grateful for. Wearing a mask is easier, faster, and cheaper than adequately caring for his skin.

-Why do I even think about this?- Eiharu snorts and puts on a mask, -Ah… maybe because I'm reconsidering accepting Hakaru's offer-

He can't always lie; he sometimes wishes he had enough courage to leave the house more often, to go further than the usual minimarket and imprint his existence on the earth. Eiharu loves having a mindless stroll, letting his legs bring him whenever as he dozes off. However, with his mind being that mean, he can't be mindless as part of his body works. The unnecessary negative thoughts will occupy his mind faster than he breathes.

There were times he desperately wanted to be normal. He longed for the moments when he had more confidence, better self-esteem, less anxiety, and, if possible, not being depressed almost 24/7. There were happy moments in his life, too, but it disappears as quickly as it happens. Small, mundane things that made him smile, Eiharu always tried to remember those fleeting moments as much as possible. He can say he improved compared to years ago, though he isn't pleased about it yet. It's not enough.

Now, standing in front of one of the vending machines at the minimarket he often visits, he once again lets his mind wander.

"Oh, I haven't seen you around lately, young man." The owner, an old lady with a contagious smile, snaps Eiharu out of his thoughts. He bows his head as a silent greeting and smiles back, though he isn't sure she can see it through his mask. "I'm getting worried that something might happen to you. I haven't seen your mother passing either."

"I'm fine, just work--I mean, I had something to do. As for my mother, she is busy in the hospital."

"Is that so? Don't overwork yourself, okay? Also, tell your mother I said hi."

Eiharu nods and watches the old lady walk toward her house next to the mini market. Since Eiharu was a little boy, their conversations were always that short. Time passed, the once small shop grew into a mini market, the kind lady's hair almost entirely turned white, and Eiharu also got older. However, unlike the store and the old lady, he doesn't feel any growth in himself.

While filling his basket with snacks and stuff, he notices the cashier is someone he never seen before. Another new employee, perhaps. The one standing behind the cashier changes a lot; Eiharu doesn't bother remembering their names because he doesn't even speak aside from the 'thank you' word. Small, unnoticeable changes always happen around him. While it doesn't generally affect his life, sometimes noticing makes him a bit sentimental. He doesn't know why.

After paying for his things, Eiharu takes a different road. He rarely walks through this side of the neighborhood. Within ten years, changes are bound to happen. He recalls the missing details he saw in his childhood. The buildings which were here and there are no longer the same. The once familiar road somehow feels slightly foreign, but he still recognizes it by heart.

-Eiharu, how long are you planning to live like this?-

Haruna once asked him that. He didn't answer as he didn't know what to say. No one wants to stay unhappy. Humans are supposed to grow along with time.

-You can't stay like this. Don't you want to live your life fully like others?-

Well, who doesn't? Eiharu wants a normal life, free of the invisible chains holding him down. He wants to see his mother happy. He wants to live with her happily. He… wants to be happy. But it feels like he is asking too much. It feels like happiness is something he never deserved to have.