Chapter 8

When Eiharu returns, Haruna is already back from work as well, struggling to look for her keys while grumbling and pushing the bell.

“Mom.”

“Aahh!!” She drops everything in her hands as she turns around in shock. “Don’t scare me like that!”

Eiharu raises an eyebrow, though he says nothing to retort. As Haruna tries to gather her scattered stuff, he unlocks the door and gets in first to put away his own things before helping her.

“Where did you go? I thought you were home.”

“Minimarket.”

“No wonder no one answers the bell.”

“Mm.”

“What did you buy? Snacks again?”

“Mm.”

“You shouldn’t eat that kind of junk food all the time, Eiharu. It’s not good for your body.”

This time, Eiharu doesn’t even hum as a response. They had this kind of talk a lot, a lot of time already, to the point of Eiharu no longer responding to her gentle scolding. He doesn’t stop buying stuff, and she doesn’t stop reprimanding him about it. However, if he could say an improvement, she no longer raises her voice while doing so despite her blatant disapproval of being ignored.

“Tomorrow is the weekend,” Haruna decides to ignore the matter as well since it’s not important, “and Mutsuo-san said he will come to visit.”

“Okay, what does he want to eat?”

“No need, I’ll prepare it myself.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t just hole up in your room all day. Talk to him as much as you can.”

“If I feel like it.”

Haruna’s eyes are glued to Eiharu’s back as she follows him inside the house. With the limited words Eiharu gave her, holding a proper conversation is hard. Eiharu always sounds upset since he seems like he doesn’t even want to be in the same space as her.

“Are you angry, Eiharu?”

Eiharu turns around in confusion. “No?”

“Do you… hate having Mutsuo-san around?”

“I never said that.”

“You never, but you also never show your willingness to deal with him.”

Eiharu stares at her and blinks once, twice, trying to process her words. From Eiharu’s eyes, he tolerates Mutsuo’s existence more than Haruna herself, and it confuses him why she thinks he dislikes the older man. Haruna didn’t date much after the divorce because she was traumatized, so she didn’t introduce many of her dating partners. So far, only Mutsuo is serious enough. And so far, only Mutsuo that Eiharu didn’t find repulsive. He actually likes the older man more than he ever shows.

“If you want me to talk nonstop with him whenever he is here,” Eiharu inhales; he tries to speak as softly as possible, “I can’t do that. I don’t know what to talk about, and you know I can’t start a conversation.”

“But you can try to socialize with him more. If we… when we decide to… you know,” Haruna hesitates to say the word, “and if you keep acting like that, don’t you think he’ll feel unwelcomed?”

“Did he ever say that?”

“No, but…”

“I don’t hate him, Mom. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“But still…”

Eiharu gives her an unreadable expression. He observes Haruna’s unusual fidgeting and understands what she is unwilling to say openly. To rebuild a family is not an easy task. Since Haruna thinks she has found someone to fit the bill, Eiharu probably becomes the most significant obstacle she has to deal with. It’s not wrong, but Eiharu dislikes being the reason his mother stops herself from getting her happiness.

Eiharu leans on the fridge, pondering whether he should say something or not.

“Honestly… I think Mutsuo-san is a good guy. He is much better than the others. You two should get married already.”

“Huh?”

“I’m not a kid anymore, Mom. Even if I am, I won’t throw a tantrum just because you remarried. If you want to stay single, okay. If you want to remarry, I’m also fine with it.”

Haruna is speechless. She will not lie; she knows Eiharu has things he wants to say but chooses not to. She is hard-headed and always tries to shut Eiharu’s voice down. As much as she tries not to, that part of her is hard to control. As a parent, she keeps thinking Eiharu knows nothing because he hasn’t lived as long as her nor experienced the cruel, harsh world as much as her. She has to keep guiding Eiharu, mainly since Eiharu chose to be a shut-in. She knows better. She needs to know better.

“It’s because of me, right?”

“Eh?”

“I know about it already. Mutsuo-san had expressed his intention of marrying you long ago. But you can’t accept his proposal because you’re worried about my reaction.” Eiharu inhales deeply. He rarely talks to his mother this much about this kind of sensitive topic. It’s tiring him. “As long as you’re happy with him, you’re sure he is the right man, and I never see him mistreating you or making you cry; I have no complaints. You don’t need to cater for me as much as before.”

“That’s…”

“He treats you better than me, isn’t he? Unlike him, I can only make you sad and angry. It’s more than enough reason for you to be with him.”

“Eiharu, I…” Haruna lowers her gaze, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You know I dislike hearing your apology.”

“That wasn’t my intention, Eiharu. I admit I often lash out at you, but…”

“It’s okay, really. Let’s not talk about it. You don’t need to keep apologizing since I also never say sorry to you.” Eiharu shakes his head. “I’ll be in my room, as usual.”

And Eiharu leaves just like that--as always. He isn’t used to speaking his heart out, and it’s tiring him. It makes him guilty of being honest no matter how hard he tries to sugarcoat his words. It doesn’t matter even if no harm was done in the gentle confrontation; as long as he needs to speak out his thoughts, the fear of offending the other party always follows.

-In the end, I’ve always regretted to speak out. And the last part was unnecessary-

There are a lot of moments when he needs to be honest. Each time, the guilt and regret creep from his legs and paralyze his mind. It’s not his fault, and no one was harmed; he repeatedly reminds himself, and it still doesn’t help. If being honest torments him that much, no wonder he always chooses to keep silent. However, who can understand him if he says nothing?

There is this saying: when you’re getting used to being alone, the existence of other people will become a bother.

In a way, Eiharu believes so. He never experienced any solid attachment to human relationships in general, so he can’t really compare which is better. Being alone with his thoughts is dangerous; he is fully aware of how deadly it is to let one’s mind occupy the brain too much. However, human scares him like no other. It’s better to draw a line. It’s better to stay away.

But he also knows there are people like his mother who can’t stand being alone. Haruna refuses to let him out of her sight because of that reason, yet utterly oblivious to her fear. She will complain all day about Eiharu, but the moment Eiharu leaves his usual spot longer than usual, she will rant about him wanting to leave her alone. It wasn’t always the case; Eiharu just loved his solitude too much. Unfortunately, Haruna doesn’t understand that. And her crude words hurt him more often than he ever let out.

-It’s not like I want to leave her alone, but…-

It took Eiharu a really long time to understand himself. His distress, his severe anxiety, and his unwillingness to socialize, all first stemmed from his relationship with Haruna. In his childhood, he often heard mothers from the neighbourhood whispering to each other about Haruna’s failure as a mother. Many blamed her as the cause of the messy divorce. If only she were more patient, they said. If only she were more obedient, if only she thought more about little Eiharu’s future, and so on.

Eiharu thinks it’s better like this; just the two of them without his neglectful father in the frame. Haruna isn’t a perfect mother. She made many unfixable mistakes. The domino effect of her parenting method has led Eiharu to this situation, and Eiharu wouldn’t pretend it wasn’t Haruna’s fault. However, it doesn’t mean he feels nothing when he hears awful stuff said about her. He still loves her, nonetheless. He still wishes for her well-being and happiness. Like how Haruna’s past mistakes made him this kind of person, he also aware having him as a child must be a burden. To be so powerless to protect his mother from her surroundings, Eiharu has been feeling guilty since he was a child.

-We both made mistakes, and we still have no idea how to fix it-

Eiharu inhales deeply. His heartbeat is still pounding madly from the little confrontation from before. His body is still panicking despite looking so undisturbed. This clash between his outer appearance and his inward condition is the reason why no one believes him when he says he might have a mental breakdown.

-Ah, as if I have the right to say it since I have never professionally diagnosed-

He wanted to check. Still, he never went to a psychiatrist because of things and others. Or psychologist, whichever he should. For nearly two decades since he was aware of his problem, he never found any solution to fix himself. The first and last time he accidentally voiced it out, it turned so severe that he hated doctors altogether.

-Doctor, huh…-

With Haruna working as a healthcare person, that area is something he often visits against his will. But he made sure not to place himself in a condition that made him an official hospital patient, no way.

-That guy… I wonder which hospital he works at-

‘Eiharu,’ gentle knocks on his door startled him, and Eiharu’s calm heartbeat rose again.

“Yeah, what?”

‘Are you sleeping? Can we talk?’ Not even waiting for him to reply, Haruna already swings open the door. “Say… when you send us our lunch on Monday, can you stay around for a bit?”

“What for?”

“There is someone I want to introduce.”

Eiharu frowns, then squints his eyes suspiciously. “Who?”

“Someone I work with. Oh, don’t worry since he is a guy, not a girl.”

“...why shouldn’t I be worried?”

“Why should you? It’s not like I’m trying to match you or something. It’s just a friendly introduction. You don’t have a friend, do you?”

“...you don’t have to rub it on my face.”

“That’s not what I mean, no.” Yet, Haruna is clearly holding back her laughter. “You see, there is this young doctor I work with. He is around your age, and he’s nice. I told you I want you to socialize more, and he said he doesn’t mind helping out.”

By then, Eiharu’s mind was already filled with all the embarrassing and humiliating things Haruna had told this particular doctor, which made him not want to see that person even more.

“What did you tell him?”

“Nothing?”

“No way.”

“Why are you being that skeptical? I know not to run my mouth too much.”

If there is a lie Haruna always tells, it would be the misinformation about Eiharu’s condition. He won’t call himself ‘sick’ or the likes, but he despises how Haruna always blabbers about him like he is a disabled person--or worse, a mentally ill person. Well, it’s not like she was wrong, but the way she speaks about him sounds like he is insane and needs to be sent to the asylum.

“Look, I know you’ll get angry if I decide things without asking you first, and that’s why I am asking now. But you still look angry.”

“My face is always like this, but don’t change the topic. What did you tell him?”

“Nothing.”

“Mom, what did you tell him?” Eiharu purposely emphasizes his words.

“Why are you-- Sigh, fine. He accidentally heard me talking to you on the phone, and we talked a bit. But I swear I told him nothing. I only said you made pocket money by cooking for us, and he asked about your age, and I told him the truth. He didn’t ask anything else, so I didn’t tell him the rest.”

Eiharu squints harder. “He didn’t ask?”

“No, he didn’t.” Haruna shakes her head. “I was puzzled, too. Normally, people would ask many things, but he didn’t. He said it’s not his place to comment since he didn’t know your circumstances. After that, I was simply chatting with Mutsuo-san about you making friends. He happened to hear our conversation. Mutsuo-san suggested he talk to you, and he agreed as long as I told you the plan. He said he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by doing things behind your back. Isn’t he a good guy?”

Eiharu knows Haruna has no reason to lie, but that kind of perfect guy sounds too good to be true. Either he was simply trying to be polite, or he has ulterior motives. But if it’s the latter, for what reason? What is he trying to gain?

“... I’m not good with dealing with that kind of people.”

“As if you ever deal with people.” Haruna scowls. “I already told you, so there is nothing to hide. You don’t have to befriend him right away, Eiharu. Just say hello for now, and if you think you don’t want to befriend him further, that’s okay. At least you two have met.”

Eiharu’s frown hasn’t disappeared. He is clearly unwilling, but knowing how annoying Haruna is when pestering him, dealing with it for days until he agrees is even more annoying.

“Ugh, fine.” Eiharu groans. “I’m just gonna show myself, okay?”

“Yes, that’s enough! Thank you, Eiharu.”

“Mm.”

He already hates going to the hospital, and Haruna just gives him another reason to feel frightened about the incoming days.