Chapter 12

“Here’s the thing, Ei,” Hakaru decides to continue speaking, seeing Eiharu in deep thought, “most of the time, as the stressful event finally passed, you’re aware you were simply overwhelmed, and things weren’t as uncontrollable as you previously thought. I know you’re an overthinker, you also know, and I can’t change that. But I believe you can prevent your brain from panicking.”

“...how?”

“You had experiences. No matter how small and significant, all the moments in your life weren’t your first time anymore. You went through those terrible moments. You passed the scary situations, and you experienced them until the end. Maybe it made you sick, it made your stomach churn, and you finally took some time to let go. But let me ask you, do all of your experiences give you pain and shame?”

Eiharu lowers his gaze. Sure enough, his fear and shame were uncontrollable when it was still time. Slowly but surely, he felt less shameful and afraid at a different time flow from one event to another. He would regret some things but also let go of other things. At times, there are insignificant details he already forgets even though he was scared shitless at first.

“No, they don’t,” Eiharu answers meekly. “Not all things were painful or shameful.”

“See?” Hakaru smiles. “And since this guy was your acquaintance, a good one, I’m sure he wouldn’t bother about how you reacted after so long not to see each other. I’m sure he didn’t expect you either.”

“I don’t think he remembers me.”

“Maybe he didn’t, but he will. He will slowly remember you as you two catch up with your lives.”

“But… I don’t want to. I had no good memories about those days.”

“Not even with him?”

Eiharu hesitates. “With him was… the only exception.”

“That’s what I thought. You cherish your time with him that much. I’m sure there are also memories about you that he still remembers.” Hakaru gently pats Eiharu’s arm. “Believe in yourself more, Ei. You’re not that bad, trust me.”

Eiharu inhales deeply. He still has doubts; he still thinks about ‘what ifs’ and ‘buts,’ but he is no longer as panicking as an hour ago. A tiny part of him was relieved to see Kanryou because he had always thought he would meet a stranger instead of a familiar face. Kanryou is the only one he still regards so highly of all the people he still fully remembers. Eiharu freaked out simply because he was ashamed of himself. Compared to Kanryou, he looks so tiny and insignificant. However, he always thought that way about himself anyway.

“If… If he contacts me, should I…”

“Give yourself a chance; it’s okay. I’m sure a decade is enough to change people, so it’s fine if you feel guarded. Who knows his adult version is no longer as kind as back then?”

“What do I do if he isn’t the same person anymore?”

“If you can tolerate his changes, there’s nothing wrong with being friends. If not, then you have the right to cut ties with him completely.”

“But…”

“Don’t be scared, Ei. You and him are both adults. Neither of your priorities is the same anymore. Not everyone should stay with another every time.”

Eiharu thinks about Hakaru’s words carefully. Hakaru is right; no one owes the other about the past. Time moves on, and people change. If the current Kanryou is no longer the same as he remembers, maybe it’s time for him to let go of the memories.

“Okay…” Eiharu inhales again. This time, he feels slightly less burdened even though it hasn’t disappeared yet. “I’ll wait and give myself a chance. But I still won’t reach out to him first. If he still doesn’t contact me after some time, I’ll take he is the one who doesn’t want to.”

“That works as well.” Hakaru claps his hands. “Okay, let’s forget the hard stuff and eat first. You haven’t even finished your bread.”

“Ah… yeah.” Eiharu stares at the barely-bitten bread in his hand. “Thanks.”

“I would be happier if you ate your food.” Hakaru smiles. “When you need someone to talk to again, don’t think twice to contact me. I can’t promise I’ll always be available during working hours, but since we’re on our days off, I’ll free my schedule for you.”

“What schedule do you have on your days off anyway?”

“Hah, don’t underestimate me. My day is always packed with stuff.”

“Like what?”

“Gaming time, reading time, movie time, strolling time--”

“You’re just bored to death, huh?”

“...yes.” Hakaru suddenly grabs Eiharu’s hands. “I’m boreeed! Play with meeee!!!”

“When will the new project start?”

“Not before another couple of weeks.”

“And you expect me to accompany you for a whole couple of weeks?”

“Ugh… five days a week?”

“Once per two weeks.”

“That’s literally today! Why are you so mean?!”

Eiharu ignores the dramatic cries and just munches his bread. Observing, his eyes sweep the whole place, and he finds the cafe is cozy enough to spend his time alone if he gets fed up staying in his own room.

“This is a good place,” Eiharu comments in a low voice, “not too far from my house.”

“Isn’t it?? I had to check the whole area within a kilometer radius.”

“...you know you didn’t have to go that far, right?”

“But it’s our first hangout outside of work-related stuff. Of course, I have to put on effort.”

Eiharu looks at him. Indeed, on such short notice, Hakaru shows up dressing stylishly. While Eiharu knows Hakaru always dresses nicely, it makes him aware that he barely looks presentable in his current outfit. His appearance was even more unruly after he rushed to leave the hospital building and deal with the panic.

“...I don’t even match your energy.”

“You’re a hundred years too early to match my energy,” Hakaru dramatically shakes his head, “I don’t really mind, though. So you shouldn’t think much about it.”

“You were the one who said that first impression matters.”

“And this isn’t our first meeting. Relax, we’re just chilling in a cafe, not on our way to see the Prime Minister of this country.”

“Still, look at you.” Eiharu inhales. “Even if I try to dress better, I have nothing good to wear.”

Hakaru tilts his head. “If you want to upgrade your wardrobe, I don’t mind giving you a hand. The thing is, you don’t want to.”

“Yeah. It’s a hassle. A lot of money is spent, yet I won’t wear it often.”

“See?” Hakaru giggles. “You’re fine like this. You showered and still wearing clothes, so I won’t comment. If you show up naked, I’ll call the police.”

“Between us, you’re the one who would likely do so.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?! Hey!!”

.

.

Eiharu opens his eyes, staring at the blurry sight of his room’s ceiling. After he parted ways with Hakaru, he immediately went home and took a long shower. The cold water running down from atop of his head kept him awake for a good while. He felt cold--he still feels cold, but his body thoroughly refreshed.

He was much calmer than when he left the house that noon. Good thing that when he checked his phone, Haruna didn’t text or call; it meant one thing not to think about. Whether it’s because she is busy with work or he didn’t push her buttons, he doesn’t now. He doesn’t want to think about it.

-Yukisada… Kanryou-

A name Eiharu will never forget even though the face has become a blurry memory now.

Eiharu still remembers the smile Kanryou always gave him—the polite yet genuine smile which is hard to forget. Back then, Eiharu was a grumpy teenager with a permanent frown in between his eyebrows. He always looks at people suspiciously, thinking they approached him to pick a fight or scold him, reprimanding him for things that weren’t his fault. Young Eiharu distrusted people too much, and Kanryou wasn’t an exception.

However, as distrustful as he was, Eiharu was weak towards kindness.

Eiharu was aware that he wasn’t special in Kanryou’s eyes. However, in a situation where everyone alienates him, Kanryou’s gentle approach makes him so, so gullible. He hated going to school so much, but he couldn’t just stop coming. He had no good reason to tell Haruna; he wasn’t so ungrateful to just waste his mother’s effort paying his tuition. However, between the empty house and the school building, for Eiharu at that time, it was just moving from one hell to another. And Kanryou’s bright existence in that moment was his only salvation.

-Does he… remember about that?-

Eiharu unconsciously curls his body and rubs the scar on his wrist. It’s been a decade. He could no longer recall the full details. However, his shame and fear are still vividly carved into his nerves. The more he tries to forget, the more his head insists on remembering. Each time the memory suddenly pops into his mind, he will shiver, quiver, and curl as if trying to protect himself from the invisible danger.

-“Don’t you know, Yukisada-kun? He likes you.”-

Eiharu’s eyes shut tight. He frowned and covered his ears, trying to block that poisonous voice from his brain. Eiharu barely remembers Kanryou’s voice, but that person’s remains clear. The pain, the shit Eiharu has to endure for years because of that person, as if he didn’t have enough humiliating Eiharu in front of his classmates and teachers. He even had to spew the secret Eiharu told no one about; his feelings toward Kanryou.

-That bastard…-

Eiharu never stops cursing that man who made him like this. He doesn’t want to remember him, but his burning hatred does the opposite. Eiharu hasn’t let go of his grudge; he doesn’t want to. He cursed that man’s life, praying for misery after misery to befall him so he would taste the suffering he caused Eiharu. Never in his life had he loathed someone that much; oh, he couldn’t even describe how his blood boiled whenever the thought about that man occurred.

But… besides that, Eiharu also fears him.

Eiharu hates him with all his beings but also fears him the most in this world.

-Enough… stop thinking about that bastard… it isn’t worth it…-

Eiharu takes deep breaths, feeling his chest pounding from anxiety. It feels like Hakaru’s effort to ease him has ceased into thin air. His courage from before, his willingness to deal with Kanryou once again, if the chance permits, also disappears.

-Maybe it’s better if we don’t meet again. I don’t want to risk him recalling that moment-

But, now that he knows Kanryou is within his reach, Eiharu can’t help but hope for a second meeting. He wants to see Kanryou. Deep inside his heart, he wishes nothing had changed between them. If Eiharu can relive the moment in the past when they almost become friends, Eiharu feels like he can move on.

-But… isn’t that mean I’m using him?-

Eiharu inhales in frustration. His body turns cold, and he shivers, feeling all the hair on his skin stand up. He ends up curling even further, ignoring the discomfort around his joints. He didn’t realize he was no longer rubbing the scars on his wrist but rather scratching it. When he noticed the numbing pain, the area had turned red and scaled out.

According to the articles he read about how to deal with anxiety attacks, distraction often comes as the first thing to do. Eiharu, before recognizing his mental problem, always tries to distract his mind from things that trigger him. However, he has stopped doing so recently and is just letting himself feed his negativity. He feels too exhausted to work on it.

-Back then… I had the same thought-

Back when he felt the whole world was against him, Eiharu had the same thought. He was tired. He wanted things to end. He wanted to close his senses and never wake up again. Though he no longer has that thought, the sensation remains. The situation where he thinks he better disappear hasn’t really changed, even if he believes he has a better situation now.

His phone vibrates near him. Through the pop-up screen, he blurrily recognizes the icon. It’s Hakaru.

[Are you home now, Ei? Have you showered?]

Eiharu doesn’t feel like replying, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to be alone yet. Forcing himself to respond to the text took much of his energy, but he had to. Or else he might do something stupid later on.

[Mm.]

[Good to hear. I just arrived at my brother’s apartment.]

[Mm.]

[You should come with me someday. He has a nice place.]

[No, thanks.]

[Figured you would say that. I’ll introduce you to him someday.]

[No, thanks.]

[I also figured that answer.]

After that, Hakaru replies with so many cute and funny stickers. Eiharu doesn’t respond to any of it, though his lips are slightly curved, seeing his screen spammed with so many.

[Enough. I’m going to sleep.]

[Okay, then. Good night, Ei.]

Eiharu scrolls back up to reread their previous messages. Meaningless chitchat they did, the stickers Hakaru sent in bulk that filled up his inbox have become a regular thing. No one communicates with him as much as Hakaru, and he is really glad Hakaru hasn’t given up trying to befriend him. Even though Hakaru’s bright and cheerful personality sometimes annoys him, Eiharu no longer avoids it.

-Back then, if I had a friend like this… would the thought of ending my life ever occur?-